To feel sad some women are forced to go back to work

[JTT95]

I think it is messed up that these days a lot of women have to go back to work after maternity leave whether they like it or not. It seems like everyone is sending their babies to nursery at 1 or even earlier. I know that some women want to and are happy to go back but there are many women who are heartbroken to leave their babies so young. I wish it was like the olden days where a man’s wage was enough to suport the whole family.

I'm sure many men would also like to give up paid work once a baby is born. So why don't they?

A nursery isn’t bringing them up - that’s the role of parents. A nursery provides high quality childcare whilst the parents work. It’s not a workhouse.

She didn't say anything about it being socially unacceptable, just that she was sad for those women who find leaving their babies and going back to work very distressing. Maybe it didn't bother you, but it does upset many.

@JTT95

Because people’s opinions and feelings differ. For some it’s normal, for others it’s heartbreaking. It’s not that deep really.

It’s deep enough for you to have started a long thread on it though…

Seriously I am not minimising the real dilemmas that women face here. Its hard.

But “heartbreak”? People work in fantastically demanding circumstances. They work after painful divorces, with cancer, they work after DV and rape, move halfway across the world and have to leave their families.

Why should the process of leaving a child with a trusted professional childcare provider be considered so uniquely hard and traumatic that it requires another adult to support the mother full time and indefinitely.

If people have the resources to do this all power to them but the ludicrously over emotional language does nobody any favours.

I don't think it's sad at all. I think it's sad if a woman gives up her career and relies on a man.

I honestly would have loved to have taken time off to be with my babies but I got 5 months for each. Was pretty depressing and I don’t have overwhelming fun memories of pumping milk before and during work and surviving with only a few hours sleep and working a day In The office. Needs must though.

Of course it doesn't give you special rights and of course, if you have children you should pay for them.

I personally find it unfair that people dont have more of a choice, but thats just me and my opinion. I absolutely didnt/don't feel ready to put my baby in nursery, so I didn't, I wish others could have that choice, if they want to.

It doesn't, sorry, I thought this thread was specifically for SAHMs. If men want to be SAHFs and the partner is ready, willing and able to return to work and financially provide, then of course they should have that choice!

This is an interesting perspective - what would ‘true choice’ for men look like?

The concern does seem to largely only be about women not having a choice.

Men are forced back as early as 2 weeks. Obviously they haven't given birth and they aren't breastfeeding but 2 weeks? That's awful.

More should be done for both parents to be able to spend time with their DC's.

@SouthLondonMum22 Totally agree. When I returned to work from mat leave part-time my husband took one day off a week when I was working to spend with our daughter (his first and last!) It was of course unpaid but he did it for a year and would have jumped at the chance to keep doing it had it been financially viable for us as a family. On the other hand, I was keen to get back to work!

I've posted above as apologies, I thought this thread was about SAHMs specifically. I personally wouldn't see leaving my baby at nursery the same emotionally as visiting the dentist, but I do see your point, that at times we all do things we dont particularly want to do. All I'm saying is that in an ideal world, I wish people (male and female) had more agency. We all view it very differently and its an emotive topic, I apologise if I've upset anyone. Imo its such a short amount of time, 4 yesrs, in the grand scheme of a working life that we have this choice, its a shame it isnt a choice for some.

Couldn’t agree more.

I was very sad when I had put DD in nursery at 1 and go back to work. Hated it - obviously not helped by the fact I didn't love my job...
I find people being scathing about views like mine quite annoying. I don't have to be ashamed of wanting to be with my children when they're little, and it's not an attack on anyone else's position. Most of my friends with kids have gone back to work and have children in childcare and I fully support them, as they do me.
Honestly, mumsnet can be so fucking horrible about SAHMs.

Very similar to us.

DH took 4 weeks off with DS and 6 weeks off with twin DD's. He struggled not having more time off with them.

But with respect and kindness, it can be equally horrible about working mums.

Theres a reason why so many of us (on both sides of this debate) feel so triggered by this. It’s the lack of choice and the judgement. And it definitely isn’t a one way street.

At least you're never told that you don't raise your children which has happened at least twice on this thread.

People can absolutely be horrible about working mums too.

Yes, but she’s talking about the women who feel forced to go back and are unhappy leaving their children so young.

@SouthLondonMum22 Ah bet he loved being around for them as much as he could ❤️ My husband just desperately wanted to be with her as much as possible because he loves being a Dad more than anything in the world but unfortunately knew our daughter would be his only child.
I think in an ideal world both mums and dads couls share in that first precious year at least.
On the other hand I would never want to be a SAHM!

I completely agree, I think its awful that paternity leave is 2 weeks (and for some even less) My partner didn't have any paid paternity leave (thankfully hes changed jobs now!) I hope new charities like Dad Matters make a difference to men at such a time and I hope longer paternity leave becomes more widespread.

True feminsm is accepting that most women go through pregnancy, labour and birth and often breastfeeding. This has a profound effect on the body and bonding experience with the child. It’s therefore understandable that a lot of women don’t feel ready to go back and may prefer to wait until their child is more independent. Either they do it or someone else has to.

I hope longer paternity leave becomes the norm too. It will be good for both men and women.

I think there have been discussions around this recently havent there?

@Newsenmum For me, feminism is accepting/appreciating that men can be equally as good caregivers as women. My husband shares childcare of our daughter equally because he is as just as good a dad as I am a mum.

Yes. Some MPs are pushing 6 weeks of paternity leave at almost full pay.