AIBU to consider IVF again at 44?

[ConsideringIVFAgain]

Has anybody done it?

I’m a SMBC so no chance of trying naturally. I always dreamed of having two children when I was younger (and assumed I would be able to find the right partner and do the traditional marriage and kids). As it is I have one amazing DC by donor sperm that I had on my own at age 41. My DD is now 3 and as she is growing more independent and we meet more and more of her peers at groups/nursery who have siblings, I’ve started to long again for a second child. So just before I turned 44 I transferred my last frozen embryo from the IVF round that gave me my DD- but it sadly ended in an early miscarriage.

If I had a partner I’d try again naturally without hesitation, but I don’t know if I am being selfish trying for a sibling for her at my advanced age with IVF. I was successful first time with her (beat the approx 28% odds I’d been given), but this time I only apparently have about an 8% chance and I will only be able to do the one round again, as there is only 1 vial of sperm left from her donor.

The one IVF round will also take a lot of my savings - so although I am mortgage free, have a steady job/good maternity leave etc, it will mean fewer extra “treats” for her like holidays etc for a while. And although I would do all the pre-natal tests if I got lucky a second time, I understand they aren’t fool- proof and that there is a higher risk of disability for children born of older mothers; so is it worth the risk of a disabled sibling, as that wouldn’t be fair on DD once I’m gone…

But my DD has no other family apart from myself, my parents and my older sibling (she is the only grandchild), so although DD is happy as she is and isn’t asking for a sibling now, she might really appreciate having one as the rest of her family gets older; as well as me wanting another child for myself.

YABU- the chance of success is tiny, spend your time and money on the child you are already very lucky to have.

YANBU- you don’t know unless you try and there are risks for everything.

Definitely give it a try. Sounds like you would regret not doing it.

If you're mortgage free etc then sounds like finances aren't a real issue.

Plus there's no comparison really if you're thinking sibling Vs holiday.

I’d go for it in your situation. I think you’d regret not

NHS has an age limit of 42, there must be a reason for this?

Thank you for the help ❤️ My heart says go for it. My head says £10 000 for only an 8% chance, you could invest that for DD instead; plus what if her sibling was disabled and I’m probably only going to be around for another 40 years or so…
It’s a tougher decision than I thought it would be.

If you are using donor sperm, why not use donor eggs too and further your chances

YABVVVU. Do not waste your savings on something that has a low chance of success. Save them for your daughter's future. She will need them if she does not have a family around her to help.

I think the key thing here is, if something happened to you, would you have solid and reliable and capable relatives or even close friends who could care for her?
I know death in pregnancy and childbirth is rare, but it is still a risky process at times so think that's something you need to have thought through.

That aside, I would definitely go for it...as an only child with limited family and has really struggled with it, I always say yes to these sort of posts.

Adopt?

I voted YABU, but only you can make that choice. But that’s easy to say from the outside looking in.
I genuinely understand the urge to have more children and it’s so difficult to ignore.
But with your own eggs, the chance of success is teeny and the risks of pregnancy are higher over 40.
Plus (personally) I’d want to leave my child bearing years on a positive note (your DD) rather than the likelihood of infertility or possibly miscarriage or other complications.

I wouldn't risk changing your life as it is.
If you had a child who had a disability, it would change DD's life completely.
If it fails, the money is gone, you might need the money down the road.

How would you manage a 3yo if you had a difficult pregnancy? Or a very colicky refluxy newborn? I have 3 myself and really struggled with those times when my OH worked away. Do you have a lot of support?

I dont think I'd risk it, if you did have a disabled child and couldn't work, then your DDs life would be turned upside down. Equally I'm an only child and always longed for a sibling even as an adult. Are there any other family members you're close to, cousins with children? Otherwise she will be quite alone when you go. Very tricky decision.

I think in your position I would be grateful for what you’ve got. I wouldn’t risk another pregnancy at your age .

I would not go ahead. 8% is just too low odds.

Have you considered adoption?

Thanks again all. The reason for the age limit of 42 on NHS is that it’s such low odds after that age. Some private clinics will take you up to the age of 45 and there has been success stories at 44 (including some famous ones) without donor eggs, just as you’d expect really since women do have healthy babies without fertility treatment even at 45, 46 or older (my grandmother did).

The problem is that success at my age with IVF usually means 4, 5 or more cycles which I can’t do. Donor eggs is also a no go for me unfortunately- I’d absolutely have done it if needed for a first child and then a sibling, but I don’t like the idea of my DD and a sibling having different circumstances that could cause resentment. I’ve been lucky and have easily been able to make contact with the sperm donor - he seems lovely and open to contact with DD in future if she wants, but what if the egg donor didn’t want contact with her sibling? That might be horrible for him/her.

Adoption might be tricky for the same reasons, plus everything I’ve read says it is harder to do as a single parent because you are “competing” with 2 parent families (unless you are willing to take on a child with additional needs which probably wouldn’t be fair to DD).

We are lucky enough to have lots of support - her Grandparents live in the same village and are in reasonably good health so she sees them every day and she adores my sibling, who although they live further away has said she would have my DC if something happened to me.

But I think I’ve talked myself out of it, haven’t I? 😢 Essentially I’d likely be spending £10K and nearly all my savings just for peace of mind that I’d done everything I could … where as I could have given that investment to DD in the future instead. She does have 2nd cousins closer to her age, but they live in another country so we only see them occasionally. I’ll have to hope she is less of an introvert than me and makes lots of friends/has her own family.

Don't worry about DD being lonely, she has a full circle of family around her, she'll meet many best friends, invest in relationships, there is 1000s of only DC today, if they're lonely, they'll link up.
I have a few friends with only children who are now teenagers, they have a great bond, the teenagers have good friendships.

In your place, I'd spend the money on investing in your daughter's future.

This of it this way: there is a 92% chance that you will spend all that money on that cycle and it will come to nothing.

I briefly consided ivf when I was 41 but dismissed it as too much of a gamble when I saw the odds (think its's 11%). It just seemed like throwing money away. So an 8% seems far too unrealistic to hope for success, especially with just one cycle.
The chances would be better with a donor egg but I wasn't keen on that as I think a big part of the strong bond I have with dc1 is because of our genetic similarities.

Only children are so common these days that I don't think it should be a concern. For adulthood I definitely don't think it's a problem (speaking as someone with 3 siblings but nc with any of them and I get all the support I need from DH and friends).

Loving being an only child does seem very dependent on personality - at the moment my DD absolutely adores being the centre of 3 adults world (plus my sibling when we see her), she doesn’t even like sharing my attention with our pets, so who knows how bad she would be with a sibling 🤣 It is the future possibility of loneliness I worry about, so thank you for kind words @EmeraldShamrock000

Thanks @Galloppe It’s great to hear from someone who was in a similar situation. Did you have any regrets as your DC got older about not trying for a second child? Or was it fine?

In some ways I wish I was 45 (so a clinic wouldn’t take me) or that final vial of donor sperm had gone so I didn’t have this possibility. That will happen soon enough, I just have to keep telling myself that in the meantime it still wouldn’t be the right thing to try.

Did you freeze your eggs when you were younger OP? If not I wouldn’t bother. That money will be very useful as DD grows up

@ConsideringIVFAgain
My good pal froze her eggs at 37. She’s 45 now and about to give birth to her 2nd child.
First round lucky both times. Try it! you never know…

I also want to offer a view on siblings: They’re not always great and sometimes awful. I know many siblings who have fallen out for life. The single children friends I know have a great circle of friends and enjoyed being only children. So there’s no guarantees!

Only child. While I may have liked a sibling as an adult, I loved my childhood as an only child. I have a massive circle if friends and constantly form new bonds, and will never be alone.

Op i really wouldn't
Your DD is just 3 so not quite at the stage of swimming lessons and multiple other stuff going on (Guides, Dance, Sports)

Trying to manage multiple kids at different ages and stages different drop off and pickup times life just becomes hectic.

You can really enjoy your DD growing up. Holidays days out, cinema, shows easier to focus on one child than 2.
Not having a second parent means you can't do the you take one, I'll take the other.

There is also the thing of uni and early career having a baby at 45 means your 65 when they are 20, you might be ready to think about retirement but you still have a child to fund, if they are at uni or on apprentice wages.