AIBU to consider IVF again at 44?

[ConsideringIVFAgain]

Has anybody done it?

I’m a SMBC so no chance of trying naturally. I always dreamed of having two children when I was younger (and assumed I would be able to find the right partner and do the traditional marriage and kids). As it is I have one amazing DC by donor sperm that I had on my own at age 41. My DD is now 3 and as she is growing more independent and we meet more and more of her peers at groups/nursery who have siblings, I’ve started to long again for a second child. So just before I turned 44 I transferred my last frozen embryo from the IVF round that gave me my DD- but it sadly ended in an early miscarriage.

If I had a partner I’d try again naturally without hesitation, but I don’t know if I am being selfish trying for a sibling for her at my advanced age with IVF. I was successful first time with her (beat the approx 28% odds I’d been given), but this time I only apparently have about an 8% chance and I will only be able to do the one round again, as there is only 1 vial of sperm left from her donor.

The one IVF round will also take a lot of my savings - so although I am mortgage free, have a steady job/good maternity leave etc, it will mean fewer extra “treats” for her like holidays etc for a while. And although I would do all the pre-natal tests if I got lucky a second time, I understand they aren’t fool- proof and that there is a higher risk of disability for children born of older mothers; so is it worth the risk of a disabled sibling, as that wouldn’t be fair on DD once I’m gone…

But my DD has no other family apart from myself, my parents and my older sibling (she is the only grandchild), so although DD is happy as she is and isn’t asking for a sibling now, she might really appreciate having one as the rest of her family gets older; as well as me wanting another child for myself.

YABU- the chance of success is tiny, spend your time and money on the child you are already very lucky to have.

YANBU- you don’t know unless you try and there are risks for everything.

I don't think I'd do an egg collection at 44, most clinics don't offer it so it's additional expense from the get go. Personal odds are never exactly the same as average for age but they have to be quite reduced at that stage.

Similar to you I have one child from IVF at 40 although my daughter is only a few months old. I'm lucky enough to have frozen embryos to try for a sibling but if they aren't successful I wouldn't go through stims again.

You need to balance out the chance of success versus the impact on your daughter. Only you can know if you need to try before you can give up on the possibility of a sibling.

I conceived naturally at 44, had ds at 45. He is now 17. It's been plain sailing for us. If you have the resources to raise a second child, then give it a go.

Just be prepared to work hard at your fitness because you will need it. I'm 62 and still park run & swim, and work full time. Raising teens is physically demanding when you are in your 50s & 60s, we are touring universities at the moment.

I'm not trying to put you off, I've loved every minute and have a happy confident ds, You have backup care for if you are ever ill. But it is an 18 year project, minimum.

Essentially I’d likely be spending £10K and nearly all my savings just for peace of mind that I’d done everything I could

I would pay £10k for the peace of mind. I know myself too well - I wouldn't rest for the 'what ifs', would struggle to put it behind me and move on. I'd rather be £10k down than angry at myself or obsessing over if I made the right choice for the next five years.

Only you know how important that peace of mind is to you.

Where does the 8% come from? HFEA statistics are 5% live birth rate for 43-44.

I wouldn't, if it means you could do fewer nice things for a while. To me it would feel like throwing thousands of pounds in the bin that should be spent on your daughter.

Very unlikely you have a successful pregnancy given those chances. Plus they might not even get on.

Yes funding.

I wouldnt go ahead 8 percent is very low, what if the child is severely disabled? you only have 3 adults in your family you will struggle and then your dd will struggle and could end up having to look after disabled sibling when your gone.

I would invest that 10k in your daughter. take her traveling when shes a little bit older, show her the world.

Op another thing is if your ill or need hospital treatment even for a few days who will look after your children?

Your 40s your parents are probably edging towards their 70s.
In their 70s they are probably fine to babysit one child for a few days.

In 10 years time your kids would be 13 and 9, so still too young to be left home alone over night, parents pushing 80 they might not be fit or capable of looking after two children who potentially bicker at those ages.

It isn’t just funding though it is. It’s because the likelihood of success is low and so it’s not worth wasting such limited funding on it.

I had a second, partly to give my daughter a sibling as there are no children in the wider family. My second is an autistic boy, with whom she has nothing in common. It’s like having 2 only children and trying to to balance their differing needs is very hard even with 2 parents (no family help). But that’s my experience, yours could be entirely different.

Having a sibling isn't a guarantee they will have a close relationship in the future. I have two brothers and none of us particularly keep in contact with each other and we all live in different countries!

Yes because of funding. They have to draw the line somewhere.

Yeah… where the success rate starts to decline faster. Glad we agree

OP to echo one of your comments here, one of my best friends did throw £10k at wanting to be sure she’d tried everything and it didn’t work (at age 42) and she does regret it now, it’s such a lot of money and she’d already spent so much on IVF already at that point. She’s had counselling since and wishes she’d just done that in the first place knowing her odds (as an aside she’s found the counselling very very helpful in moving on/accepting this part of her life is done)

It’s so difficult and I’ve seen how much she’s suffered so wanted to send love to you, whatever you decide

I could've written this post except it was a colleague not a friend.

I wouldn’t criticise you for going for it though. I understand.

It's such a gamble at your age now. I'd be most worried about the increased risk of having a disabled child - how would you cope as a single parent with a small child, little family support, and being older too?

Being an only child of older parents was shit when I was younger and even shitter as a young adult when everyone died. Older parents who were also only children and both died by the time I was mid 20s. When I was a child, all the adult family around me were quite old and there were no other children. It's horribly lonely now having no family, no one to tell me family stories and to reminisce with.

I think having an only child is fine when you have siblings who you are close to who also have children. Family is so important.

In your situation now, you need to focus on creating a support network for your daughter, friends who can be like family. If you died, what would happen to your daughter? Who would she live with? Would she have people around her who loved her? What about when she's a young adult? Will she have family friends around her who she has a strong connection to?

My suggestion would be to roll the dice, but consider using medicated IUI rather than IVF. Your cycle would be stimulated by medication and then use a trigger shot to ovulate. Introduce the sperm and see if the two can meet. It is much lower tech but an absolute fraction of the cost.

That way you have used the sperm, taken the opportunity and will never have the regret of not trying but will also have kept a good portion of your savings intact. If it is meant to be, it will happen.

Most importantly I wouldn’t get hung up on the idea that your DD is alone or ‘needs’ a sibling. I remember seeing a school-run friend posting on social media. My friend and her husband were always taking their daughter out and about at the weekends - you could tell that they were making the most of every moment and just enjoying her company. I had always done the outings with my DC but certainly took a leaf out of my friend’s book in terms of her positive attitude.

It’s naturally hard right now when you are surrounded by cute babies and toddler siblings, but I think that the advantages of smaller families tend to show up a bit later, when you can really devote time to supporting your child’s activities and interests. If you want to spend every weekend geocaching or devote your living space to musical instruments, you can. But you are never, ever ‘torn’ between two commitments. Children in one-child families can have very happy childhoods!

Best wishes.

Not a chance I’d be spending that money for my own ‘peace of mind’ when the chances of success are so low.

Invest the money in the child you have.

Could you compromise and do IUI with the donor sperm? Then you've had a go but not spent all the money.

I think at 44 your chances are low and there is no guarantee your daughter would get on with a sibling. Plus two kids are just a lot more work than one.

Personally I found that at 44 the feeling of wanting another child got really strong. I really wanted it. At nearly 47, I'm now so glad that I didn't have one, I can't imagine still having a child in nappies etc. I think it it likely your biological clock just ringing out hard. In my own experience, which is very different to yours, it will pass.

I appreciate where you're coming from, I was in the same position in my early 40s.

One small child, massive desire for a second, but my only option to concieve was IVF.

I thought long and hard and finally decided against it because I knew that going through the IVF rollercoaster , especially at 40 plus, would not only take it's toll on me, but it would also take some of my attention away from DS and distract me from enjoying this time with him.

Would I have preferred him not to be an only child? Yes, but I have been able to afford a life and an education for him that would not have been possible if I'd gone down the IVF route .
Has he been affected by being an only child? Of course not.
Do I still feel wistful sometimes for the second child? Yep, not gonna lie, but I don't regret my decision not to pursue it.

I found IUI to be a waste of time. Most private clinics probably don't offer it. My local NHS stopped offering it to women over 40.
Its certainly not worth gambling a last vial of donor sperm on.

I also found it to be very stressful. Much more stressful than IVF. But maybe after 4 rounds of IUI, over stimulated ovaries, a chemical pregnancy, waiting 3mths for MH reasons, cycles landing at Christmas 'Oh we don't do IUI in December' I was ready to give up. By the time I did IVF I was very much if it works great if it doesn't, it doesn't.

For those who asked - the 8% chance for one cycle is personal to me, rather than the general 2% - 5% one at 44. The slightly better odds are probably because my IVF worked first time at 40/41 and I also come from a long line of women who had healthy pregnancies in their mid forties (admittedly after some losses too) - so I would probably eventually be successful too if I was able to keep trying naturally. But the chances of a single medicated IUI working are even smaller than IVF, as I would very likely need multiple embryos in order to find one “normal”/euploid one.

Thanks very much for the advice all of you. I’m sorry some of you have been in this situation too ❤️ but thank you everyone for sharing your experiences, it really does help.

I think I’ve decided not to go ahead. The major positives of a sibling which my DD may appreciate when she’s older (at the moment she really isn’t bothered as she just wants all my attention!) and my own strong desire for a second child seems to be strongly outweighed by the practicalities- the risk of a possibly disabled child on DD, having only one average income and that money then having to be shared between two, the likelihood of aging parents being less able to help in an emergency in future (or me needing to help my parents a lot more before my child/ren are fully grown themselves )…

I won’t lie and say I’m not really upset and still so tempted but my head says it’s just not meant to be (maybe if it was, I wouldn’t have had the chemical pregnancy 😢). I will do my best to be to give DD the best life I can and try to encourage her to make lots of friends, thank you again ❤️

I did at 43. Do it now though. If you’re worried about your eggs then you could use donor eggs. But don’t wait. It’s not too old to have a baby at all, I’m fitter and stronger than all the other school mums and I’m at least ten years older than most!

Op that sounds like a wise decision. I'm glad you've taken on bored people's comments

The other thing id thought about was if you build good relationships with your DDs friends parents you have a good chance of children doing sleep overs, effectively building a village around you both. That also means you have someone to lean on should you be ill or whatever.

Give your DD the best life you can both have.