AIBU to consider IVF again at 44?

[ConsideringIVFAgain]

Has anybody done it?

I’m a SMBC so no chance of trying naturally. I always dreamed of having two children when I was younger (and assumed I would be able to find the right partner and do the traditional marriage and kids). As it is I have one amazing DC by donor sperm that I had on my own at age 41. My DD is now 3 and as she is growing more independent and we meet more and more of her peers at groups/nursery who have siblings, I’ve started to long again for a second child. So just before I turned 44 I transferred my last frozen embryo from the IVF round that gave me my DD- but it sadly ended in an early miscarriage.

If I had a partner I’d try again naturally without hesitation, but I don’t know if I am being selfish trying for a sibling for her at my advanced age with IVF. I was successful first time with her (beat the approx 28% odds I’d been given), but this time I only apparently have about an 8% chance and I will only be able to do the one round again, as there is only 1 vial of sperm left from her donor.

The one IVF round will also take a lot of my savings - so although I am mortgage free, have a steady job/good maternity leave etc, it will mean fewer extra “treats” for her like holidays etc for a while. And although I would do all the pre-natal tests if I got lucky a second time, I understand they aren’t fool- proof and that there is a higher risk of disability for children born of older mothers; so is it worth the risk of a disabled sibling, as that wouldn’t be fair on DD once I’m gone…

But my DD has no other family apart from myself, my parents and my older sibling (she is the only grandchild), so although DD is happy as she is and isn’t asking for a sibling now, she might really appreciate having one as the rest of her family gets older; as well as me wanting another child for myself.

YABU- the chance of success is tiny, spend your time and money on the child you are already very lucky to have.

YANBU- you don’t know unless you try and there are risks for everything.

Glad that you have come to a decision, even though it may always feel like a wistful topic for you.

Remember that every family shape has its advantages and disadvantages: even the ‘gold standard’ of two children, two years apart (insert eye-roll smiley here!) means that they will be taking GCSEs and A-Levels in the same year. Talk about stress!

Enjoy time with your DD x

I very much agree with this position. My parents weren't older (average age really). However we are a very small family. I only have two cousins, and we aren't close at all and I did see much of them in childhood. I would love some family of my own generation to be close to and share memories with. As an adult I feel very lonely, and almost in a constant state of anticipatiory grief. I don't have children of my own either, as I would be an older parent too now, and would likely only have time for one child. I don't want to put a child into the same position as me.

Having said this though, I am doing my best to build my life up in other ways. I have some close friends and am working on establishing more connections. No doubt your daughter will do the same.

@Strawberriesandpears do you live near your cousins? If you do it might be worth reaching out to them and suggesting a catchup, dinner or something.

But I also think for the next generation today's children friends will be their family because many will be far away from cousins if they even have any

We sadly have absolutely nothing in common. Even if we did, I don't think they would need me in their lives. They are close as siblings and also have plenty of other family of their own.

I do have some good friends who are also only children, which is lovely. However I am still sad I have nobody to share family memories with.

YABU. Using donor gametes is cruel - it’s all about you, not about the child who grows up not knowing half (or all!) their family and genetic history. Egg retrieval has hugely damaging consequences for young women’s health. You have a healthy child- be grateful and let this go.

I would just stick to what I have if I were you and not take this kind of gamble. To spend so much money is shocking to me when you have a beautiful child already.

I’ve just seen your update. I think that this is a sensible decision giving your circumstances. I have one dd and they’re a teen now and we have the loveliest and closest relationship. She’s a really nice grounded kid with lots of friends. As she gets older her world will open up with school and clubs. My dd has rarely said she’s bored or lonely. Now she’s older we take a friend on holiday with us which is bliss!

Who will take on your children if you die suddenly? Who will parent and love them? That’s the kind of thing you need to be thinking. Not wanting to join the sibling club in mums groups

You haven’t read my posts otherwise you would realise I used/would have been using donor sperm rather than donor egg. I wouldn’t use donor egg, but only because I personally think it would be unfair for any potential siblings to be “different” from each other (since DD was from my eggs) - not because donor gametes are “cruel” in themselves.

Your ideas are at least 20 years out of date - the recent research says donor conceived young people do at least as well as their peers emotionally, educationally etc as long as they are told early and it isn’t a “secret”. Donor conceived young adults from SMBC actually apparently often do better than most of their peers from conventional families- likely because they never have to deal with parental splits, which happen so often.

We are in touch with my DD’s sperm donor - he is in his late thirties with a wife and children of his own (who know about the donations) and did it because his family strongly believe in helping others and one of his own siblings needed a donor to conceive. He is happy to be in touch with DD, and DD seems not at all bothered that she doesn’t have a “Dad” in her life - she sees her Grandad everyday and has other male role models in her life.

Fair enough to say I should let having a second child go at my age, but please don’t post uninformed generalisations about donor conception - done the correct way (telling the child early, contact with donors, responsible informed donation) it isn’t at all “cruel”.

I have already said I have a sibling who would take my child/ren if I died. We are close, despite them living a few hours away, so discussions have been had, the Will is done etc. As a SMBC I made sure of all that before I had my DD.

I have a lot of friends who are only children, none of them have any regrets.

FWIW I have a sibling who’s a lot younger than me and while we are reasonably close now, we weren’t as kids because we never overlapped in interests. No guarantees that siblings will like each other!

And my other FWIW, my dc wanted a sibling but now, as a teen, says she prefers being an only because she doesn’t have to put up with a younger brother or sister, and it’s more peaceful! She and I also have a lovely close relationship and go away together and spend time together doing sport, shopping, playing games… I have more resources for her and I know I do a better job than I would if I had two.

Wishing you peace with your decision. The benefits will show themselves in time.

Thank you very much all who have posted about the benefits of only children ❤️ It really does make me feel better.

If I am honest with myself, I do think my DD would be happier throughout her childhood being an only child - she wants every adults sole attention, has never asked for a sibling and at this early age (well aware it will likely change later) even generally prefers to play with adults or on her own, rather than with the other kids at nursery. There would also be close to a 5 year age gap by the time a baby came, so they probably wouldn’t have anything in common until they are older. I also realise if using my head rather than my heart, that I would likely be a better parent to her with no more children- less likely to be tired or too busy for her, more money/opportunities to give her etc.

It’s just getting past the urge to do it again for me - first smiles, first steps, first “Mummy”, and this time hopefully do it better/ more mindfully with less of the “New Mum” panic I had first time around. And of course the worry that when DD is an adult, she would actually appreciate having a sibling, even with a larger than average age gap.

But I do think I am too old to try again now and it isn’t worth the risk and cost - so thank you again for all who have shared their experiences and advice.

I’m a SMBC and would love another child but finances prevent it. Have you considered linking up with your daughter’s siblings from the same donor? My son regularly meets up with his brothers in London and it’s a really special connection. You can easily provide family, you just need to look for them.

Thank you - that’s a really good idea.

How old is your son if you don’t mind me asking? We are actually in online chats with some of her “diblings” parents (who are in various different countries -though there is one dibling in the UK that we have found so far). But even though I have shown her pictures of them, she hasn’t really shown any interest yet, so perhaps she is too young at the moment? But hopefully in the future…

ETA: Just realised your username. Is your son 3 too? I can totally relate to the difficulties of the “threenager” bit - I’m still waiting for it to ease (though to be honest, the terrible twos weren’t often fun either) - it’s part of the reason I delayed trying for a second child as it hasn’t always been easy. If your son is 3 and interested in his diblings, perhaps my DD is just too self centred at the moment rather than too young as such 🤣

Op you've absolutely made the right decision. Enjoy your DD and have lots of fun bringing her up. Shes getting to a great age to do lots of fun activities cinema, panto, days out to zoos and theme parks!
Even reading books together ❤️

I have 6 year gap thanks to PCOS.
When they were around 5 and 11 we'd end up going to cinema to watch different films the oldest to watch a 12a and the youngest to see a U or PG.

I don't know how you'd manage that with two kids and a big gap on your own.