She's gone and spread an awful lie

[Sugarspiceandeverythingnice]

So I've been married for almost 15 years me and my husband have kids together, generally have a happy marriage, the odd argument here and there but we are I would say in a good marriage. I've always been very involved with his family, they are very traditional in their views. We also spend alot of time there, some by choice but also because they run a business together so we are involved in each others daily lives.
My husband has one sister who is 10 years my senior and she recently got married. We've never really got on, she has a very strong personality but I've always kept it civil and havent ever really had any big fallout with her. My husband and her do not get on at all and rarely speak. She's gone through abit of a rough patch recently and had to have an operation which I was supportive over because as a women I do understand. The day after her op I saw her husband at a family event and asked how she was getting on to which he told me she was really struggling mentally to come to terms with things so I suggested maybe seeing a councellor (I sent him a link for a specific faith based place in our area while he stood next to me) once he left the venue he then sent me a message to say thanks for the link, please can you not let sil know we've spoken about this or you know how she is as when I go see her it's better for her to explain rather than me saying I already know everything. So I messaged back saying okay no problem with a closed zip emoji and that was literally all.
Once she's come home a few days later (I did go see her with her nieces and nephews, with a bouquet and some chocs-all was pleasant) she's gone through his phone for whatever reason she had and has seen this message. She's then proceeded to call every member of my in laws including her mum and dad, my husband, her brothers and my other sils that I have been messaging her husband with no context or any evidence at all just that weve been messaging while I'm at work so I have no idea what's being said. My in laws then confirm that yes we were speaking at said event (my husband was not there that day he had to go somewhere so just me and the kids went). Then when I leave work my mil has called me and said can I go over as she has something very serious to talk to me about, I decline as I've just finished work and need to get home to my kids and I will come later when I'm free. My husband then calls me and says go straight home do not go to mils or answer anyone's phone and hell speak to me when I'm home. So obviously now I'm confused as to what's been going on. Tbf to my DH he was relatively calm when he asked had I been messaging my bil... And I was like no I haven't but heres my phone if you don't believe me and he said nope I believe you I just need to know what was said or what's going on so I explained and went to show him the messages and he really was very shocked that she's made a fuss over this as he thought we'd had some back and forth convo. BTW she has form for this and has done something similar before (not to me). He's then said to me he's spent the day defending me to his family and I've completely lost it at him at this point saying I'm done with his family and that they should have supported me as they all know me very well and not even entertained or enabled his sisters behaviour and if anything she should have confronted her husband and it should have had nothing to do with me.
It's now been a week and i called his family that day when I found out what she was accusing me of and basically told them all to piss off but honestly I am done with his whole family this was one of many things and I just can't believe they would even entertain that nonsense. They all know what I'm like. I just feel really down like I've given them my life for the last 15 years and not one of them stood up for me. It's really resurfaced alot of emotions and all the stuff that I've always let go for the sake of keeping peace but this time I can't shake off the feeling.

Was SIL implying that you're having an affair with her husband? To be quite honest, it does sound as if you're very involved with your husband's family - if he doesn't get along with his sister, I'm not sure why you make such an effort with her? It's very dramatic to say you've given your life to them for 15 years - that was your choice and you didn't have to be so involved with them all. It's fine to say you've had enough of them, they sound like a lot of hard work. Just take a step back and let your DH deal with his family. What they think of you is not your problem.

Yes what else could she be implying. I really have given them 15 years of service. Done alot for them all and this isn't the first time something has happened and they've all come together as one so I suppose theyve never really seen me as part of the family.
He wants me to apologise to his mum for the tone I used with her and hes happy for me never to speak to his sister again just doesn't want me to fall out with his mum but actually shes just as bad and has always enabled her daughter as she's the only girl in the family.

What you have been accused of is totally outrageous! I think you deserve an apology first! Your SIL sounds like a basket case!

I would put distance between you and your in laws. I would make it clear you will not obstruct your DHs relationship with his parents but you are completely stepping back. Your DH needs to deal with things with his family and make it clear they are in the wrong and they need to approach you and apologise (and mean it!) otherwise lasting damage will be done and all your relationships will be affected!

Your husband told you to go straight home and he will speak to you when he gets home like you are a child in trouble

I would not be letting this go at all

Apologise for your tone with your mother in law if indeed it was harsh. Limit your conversation to that and walk away. In the limited contact you have to have with them in the future treat them as you would work acquaintances, polite but superficial.
They all sound pretty horrible but keep the high ground. Let your husband maintain what relationship he wants with them.
I'm sorry this is where you are with your in-laws after 15 years, but put no more energy towards them after this.

Im confused. If SIL read the messages and you were forwarding a link for a counsellor to help her - why would. She think that meant an affair - was it clear in the texts you were sending it was for her benefit. Has her husband told her that you were concerned and trying to help?

what motive would she have to assume an affair?

I've encountered something similar but with family friends. I have an option to expose the lie and that person for what they are. I know that no matter how heart felt an apology will be from the people who believed this, it won't mean anything. They believed I was capable of doing what I was accused of and that will never be undone. They never questioned it. I will expose her when the time is right but it won't restore things to how they were before.

OP, if people believed there is something between you and BiL, they believed you would do that. Some may be ashamed and embarrassed by this error and it could still affect how they are with you.

I hope you can smooth this over the best it can be. I'd also stay clear of the SiL in future. Don't offer yourself to people who will throw it back at you. She doesn't deserve you care or your thoughts anymore x

Playing Devil’s advocate, maybe he was trying to protect her from what the in laws would have said to her on the phone if she’d answered their calls?

But that could also be read as - her husband called and warned her not to go over/get involved so he could protect her from having the whole shitshow sprung on as an ambush at the inlaws, and deal with any conflict as a united couple (and according to the OPs account he automatically belived in, supported and defended her despite not having seen the messages)

I would do zero to help them at all. No contact. Sod your husband if he wants you to continue being used and abused by his family. The more you give to them the more they will take advantage and the more resentful you will get. It seems you have gained nothing from being so accommodating to them. If your husband doesn't talk to his sister I don't know why you have tried to get in with her. Now its all been thrown back in your face.

I'm afraid it's a case of no good deed ever going unpunished. You intended to be helpful by sending this counselling link to your BIL; but even without any suspicion of goings-on between you and him would your SIL appreciate a) his discussing her mental wellbeing in a social context; b) your both deciding she needs counselling?

And given her fragile emotional state, what is she going to make of a message that says "don't tell her for gawd's sake" followed by your reply with a closed zip emoji?

If she has made the massive leap to a conclusion that you and BIL are having an affair, that's irrational. But it's not irrational for her to be pissed off that her husband is disclosing information that should be confidential, and then keeping that a secret, and you know that she was pretty wobbly to start with.

Then again, your MIL summoning you to an inquisition is way over the top, and the rest of the family piling on is completely crackers, and so, on the whole, if you decide that this is not your circus and not your monkeys I don't see how anyone could blame you. Maybe it's long overdue.

I think you've misunderstood the husband's actions. He was warning the OP not to take any calls from his batsh1t family (who had been calling him all day) and especially not to go anywhere she was invited by them, and he would explain once he got home. He wasn't siding against her.

I would not be apologising to mil, can’t believe he is even suggesting that. can he not stand up to his parents?
I would not stop my husband having any relationship with any member of the fAmily obviously, but this would be the end for me. Why did bil not back you up?

Sod that for a game of soldiers. OP doesn't need to apologise to anyone!!

I read it completely differently as in 'my family is bonkers, do not entertain them at all, go home where you will be safe and I'll let you know what is happening when I get back, be careful'

What is the accusation? Has she explicity voiced concern over an affair?

Was it that you and he were discussing her mental health (although you really weren't, you responded kindly and appropriately by sending the link) and she feels her privacy has been violated?

Either way she's a 'mare. No need for any of it.

Honestly, this all sounds terribly enmeshed and claustrophobic and more than a bit mad. I message two of my BILs all the time and have managed not to fall onto their genitals.

Yeah, this is the context:

Then when I leave work my mil has called me and said can I go over as she has something very serious to talk to me about

He is saying “don’t go! It’s a trap! I’ll explain when I get home”

SIL sounds unhinged and probably took offence in your therapy sessions suggestion so decided to get revenge.

😂😂

I don't think he was telling me not to go as he wanted to tell me off I think it was more to protect me from a showdown occurring and if this is what I was being accused of I think he wanted to be the one to tell me first and rightly so rather than me going to his mums and having to justify myself and I think he probably knew id end up slapping his sister.
I'm not ready to call his mum yet I will eventually but I think that anger has turned more into hurt now. Hurt that any of them would do that knowing exactly what their sister is like and more hurt that after 15 years they really don't know me. Tbh I'm not even surprised at his sister because she has form for this and used to do this kind of thing when I was newly married and would tell his mum id been sitting in the driveway for over an hour having a private convo with someone and the list goes on.. I've never liked her but have always kept it civil for the sake of family peace but not anymore. She doesn't get away with it again.

Don’t apologise. He should be telling his mum she owes YOU the apology.

Personally I think that DH should take your phone, show MIL the messages & demand that she apologises to you. She probably won’t though.

Either way, take a step back. Don’t refuse to see them but be too busy or develop a strategic migraine if required. Have nothing to do with SIL.

It sounds like your DH is supportive but doesn’t want to cut off his whole family over his sister’s batshittery. Don’t let them come between you, in fact it might be best if you both agree to drop any discussion about it for a few days while you both calm down.

Definitely! Make his mum come grovelling to you if she wants a relationship going forward, otherwise she and the rest of the family will always feel like they have the upper hand. Knowing you’re happy to walk away rather than endure any more BS from them will likely get them all behaving much better long term.

Assuming they want to continue seeing as much of your kids as possible, they have much more to lose than you do from a relationship breakdown, so don’t give away that advantage.

Put your time and energy into the other people in your life OP, your family-in-law sound awful!