She's gone and spread an awful lie

[Sugarspiceandeverythingnice]

So I've been married for almost 15 years me and my husband have kids together, generally have a happy marriage, the odd argument here and there but we are I would say in a good marriage. I've always been very involved with his family, they are very traditional in their views. We also spend alot of time there, some by choice but also because they run a business together so we are involved in each others daily lives.
My husband has one sister who is 10 years my senior and she recently got married. We've never really got on, she has a very strong personality but I've always kept it civil and havent ever really had any big fallout with her. My husband and her do not get on at all and rarely speak. She's gone through abit of a rough patch recently and had to have an operation which I was supportive over because as a women I do understand. The day after her op I saw her husband at a family event and asked how she was getting on to which he told me she was really struggling mentally to come to terms with things so I suggested maybe seeing a councellor (I sent him a link for a specific faith based place in our area while he stood next to me) once he left the venue he then sent me a message to say thanks for the link, please can you not let sil know we've spoken about this or you know how she is as when I go see her it's better for her to explain rather than me saying I already know everything. So I messaged back saying okay no problem with a closed zip emoji and that was literally all.
Once she's come home a few days later (I did go see her with her nieces and nephews, with a bouquet and some chocs-all was pleasant) she's gone through his phone for whatever reason she had and has seen this message. She's then proceeded to call every member of my in laws including her mum and dad, my husband, her brothers and my other sils that I have been messaging her husband with no context or any evidence at all just that weve been messaging while I'm at work so I have no idea what's being said. My in laws then confirm that yes we were speaking at said event (my husband was not there that day he had to go somewhere so just me and the kids went). Then when I leave work my mil has called me and said can I go over as she has something very serious to talk to me about, I decline as I've just finished work and need to get home to my kids and I will come later when I'm free. My husband then calls me and says go straight home do not go to mils or answer anyone's phone and hell speak to me when I'm home. So obviously now I'm confused as to what's been going on. Tbf to my DH he was relatively calm when he asked had I been messaging my bil... And I was like no I haven't but heres my phone if you don't believe me and he said nope I believe you I just need to know what was said or what's going on so I explained and went to show him the messages and he really was very shocked that she's made a fuss over this as he thought we'd had some back and forth convo. BTW she has form for this and has done something similar before (not to me). He's then said to me he's spent the day defending me to his family and I've completely lost it at him at this point saying I'm done with his family and that they should have supported me as they all know me very well and not even entertained or enabled his sisters behaviour and if anything she should have confronted her husband and it should have had nothing to do with me.
It's now been a week and i called his family that day when I found out what she was accusing me of and basically told them all to piss off but honestly I am done with his whole family this was one of many things and I just can't believe they would even entertain that nonsense. They all know what I'm like. I just feel really down like I've given them my life for the last 15 years and not one of them stood up for me. It's really resurfaced alot of emotions and all the stuff that I've always let go for the sake of keeping peace but this time I can't shake off the feeling.

I wouldn’t have anything more to do with them unless I got a very good apology from them.

If MIL didn’t like your tone then perhaps she should not have wrongly accused you of something horrible with no grounds whatsoever.

The MIL hadn't done anything, just said she needed to talk about something serious, she may have just been intending to get the OP's side of the story having been told a tale by her DD. It might have got nasty but it never actually happened.

Has your DH set his family straight with the specifics of the message? Why the hell hasn't BIL done the same?

Don't message your MIL, she owes you an apology – if you contact her, it'll seem like you are grovelling to her. I'd never speak to SIL again either.

She didn’t think it. She deliberately lied to make her parents and the rest of the family hate OP. In order to understand toxic family dynamics you need to grasp toxic family behavior.

Funny how so often the reasonable person is supposed to sit back and take the abuse for the sake of keeping the peace while everyone else enables the abuser. She may be the main problem, but they are also a big problem. I think you’re perfectly justified in having nothing to do with any of them.

More fool you then. You’ve wasted 15 years on people when you could’ve invested that time in yourself, your professional development your part time.

Ugh. What is it about some sons and mothers? Seriously, you have nothing to apologise for. She was the one who accused you, believing SILs lies.

I could get over sil’s behaviour because she’s clearly not in a good place, and there was potential for misinterpreting those messages. And honestly bil shouldn’t be discussing her behind her back.

Mil has massively messed up in the way she handled this and I think your dh was right to step in. But I’m not sure why he thinks you owe her an apology? I wonder though if he’s also asked her to apologise to you

Honestly they sound like a petty and foolish bunch of people. Have nothing more to do with them, if that's possible.

I have almost nothing to do with my in-laws. Its fabulous.

Yes he has set them all straight but again he shouldn't have needed to do that, they should have just realised that this was one of her batshit moments and completely nipped it in the bud there and then and I should have been none the wiser. I've been married to their son for 15 years and we have 5 kids together, the thought shouldn't have even crossed their minds regardless of what she said especially with no evidence.
I'm not even sure my BIL knows, I doubt she's told him I went through your phone.

But then she should be angry with her husband I only asked how she was doing and he could have said she's fine thanks for asking but I'll let you both catch up when you go visit her later.

This is how I read it

Totally bizarre that nobody at all has spoken to the BIL to ask his side of it.

Yes and it maybe how he meant it but it isn’t how she took it - the OP chose those words and the fact she wrote them like that indicates that is how she felt

I also got the feeling you were being chided like a naughty child by the whole family, although your husband seems to have been OK once he understood what had happened, and he did say he'd already been defending you even before he heard what happened first hand from you. I didn't take it as anyone suggesting you'd been having any kind of affair with the BIL, but just that the two of you were discussing sending SIL to therapy, which sounds like it's not something she's willing to consider (and anyway would not be great to discuss at length without including her). If they were suggesting an affair, that's pretty gross!! But in any case, it's SIL who's upset so I'd think her real beef is with BIL, not you.

Having been caught up in this kind of battle-shittery with my in-laws, I can honestly tell you I have never felt such peace since the day I decided ”enough” and took a giant step back.

I am no longer involved in the drama, the arguments, the events which take more organisation than peace-negotiations because no one wants to sit next to each other as they’ve always fallen out 🙄, and the LIES. Oh. My. God. The lies. Plus the expectation they can say anything and do anything and yet always be forgiven for their bad behaviour.

One day I decided not to forgive. And there was push back, a lot of push back. But now there’s just peace, even more so now that the in-laws are starting to need care and all their children are scrabbling to give reasons why it shouldn’t be them helping out.

Finally, no one expects anything from me and it’s blissful.

Apologise? I think not! Your SiL has been a complete trouble maker and your MiL should know better.

Step well back and have nothing to do with them and make sure your DH supports you.

Its all on them IMO.

Is the BIL in trouble too? I feel like that's relevant, if not then I wouldn't be speaking to them again.

No, it is how she took it. She has even clarified that he was protecting her from the showdown.

OP I have no advice but this is a horrible situation and I really don’t think you have anything to apologise for. Does your DH not agree that YOU are the one owed an apology from his family?

You need to have everyone in the same room and show them the messages and the context. They will see how batshit SIL is.

DH should be telling his family he expects them to apologize to his wife not the other way round. Interesting how OP is expecting to keep the peace but the minute she pushes back against this batshittery she’s the one made to apologize.

i totally understand and sympathize with you.
I’ve had similar situation recently with a friendship group , not my family, so not as bad, where one woman and her lies and overreacting has ruined the whole friendship group and the hobby we all took part in, successfully, and for over 4 years. I thought the woman knew me well enough to know I would not use the phrase that I was supposed to have said , but clearly she chose to believe the other person and the fallout has been rotten.

Stick to your guns OP , you, like me are not the one in the wrong here.

Yup. He needs to stand up for you. Tell them all you are guilty of is respecting bil wishes to not tell SIL about a private conversation in which he was concerned about her because she has a tendency to overeact- case proven- and that he won't be seeing any of them unless and until they apologise.

Don’t apologize, you are the one who should be apologized to !!!

Sounds like the SIL’s husband needs to grow some balls and speak to his wife……explain what the messages were about and confirm that the OP was genuinely being concerned about her. FFS, why are some people so bloody confrontational???