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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that my husband was tactless and inappropriate?

61 replies

Footache12 · 12/09/2025 19:23

My father is quite elderly and health has been failing for a few years now. Fair enough, I’m pragmatic about death and I know that it will inevitably happen and I’ve accepted that.

Last week he was admitted to hospital and it wasn’t looking good, and Dh and I spoke about it at the time. However (thankfully), it transpired that it was an easily treated medical issue and my father is now at home recovering.

Dh came in this evening and started, out of the blue and in an extremely blasé tone, telling me that he had been asking at work today about what would happen with his critical workload if my father passed away and he had to take emergency leave. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know it’s something he had to ask, but AIBU to think that it’s hugely tactful and inappropriate for him to bring it up with me out of the blue like that, with no context, in such a blasé way?

For context, he’s normally a decent and sensitive person but has form for occasionally misreading a room. Also, he does tend toward pessimism and has form for writing people off as dead in a weird hushed, rushed way (not sure if I’m describing that accurately, think hushed conversations on the phone with his mum using overly morose and dramatic language like ‘it’s not looking good’ etc).

I’m very pragmatic about death and not prone to being emotional, but this has really annoyed me. However, I’m also on my period so not sure if I’m just being overly moody.

OP posts:
JustTalkToThem · 12/09/2025 19:26

Gently and with understanding, you're being a bit emotional here.

I'd much rather my DH makes it clear to me that he'll be available in that circumstance than not, and it wasn't in any way inappropriate.

Noagency · 12/09/2025 19:26

He's probably been ruminating about it so much that it was right at the front of his thoughts. It's not the best way to go about telling you (which he could save till he absolutely needs to), but I'd suggest it shows he's concerned and and wants to be there for you.

nomas · 12/09/2025 19:28

Perhaps a little soon after your dad’s illness, but I would be glad that my husband is ready to take emergency leave to support me in that situation.

I think you should take the positive. He would be likely be hurt if you took it another way.

Hankunamatata · 12/09/2025 19:28

He is planning incse something happens in the future. I dont see the issue

Entree · 12/09/2025 19:29

What you interpret as "blase" may be him making sure that he knows how to support you when, as you put it, the inevitable happens.

If you can be "pragmatic" about death, why can't he?

Arlanymor · 12/09/2025 19:30

He's waited until your dad is safely at home and it's the weekend. I don't know what a 'blasé tone' is to be honest and I am not sure of the ideal way to broach the topic with you... you said that you are usually pragmatic and I think that is just what he is doing too, being pragmatic. I think it's a logical and sensitive thing to have ascertained following the scare and shows he is putting supporting you and your father above everything else. Kindly, I think you are probably still a bit fraught from the events of the past week and 'what could have been' meaning your emotions are a bit close to the surface still, which is understandable.

pilates · 12/09/2025 19:31

Sorry, I can’t see anything wrong with what he said 🤷🏻‍♀️

Permittedperson · 12/09/2025 19:31

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong but I think your upset is understandable.

AnotherNaCha · 12/09/2025 19:32

I was ready to auto press YANBU before reading, but actually I think he’s being a good partner by looking into this, and it’s uncomfortable to relay at any time so probably just blurted it out.

The upshot is that he is looking out for you and to support you, not trying to be insensitive

honeylulu · 12/09/2025 20:08

His delivery was a bit blunt and could have been more sensitive but the fact that he is giving thought to and planning to ensure he can be present to support you and offer practical help is actually very thoughtful.

I dont think it would occur to my husband to think about taking time off if one of my parents was critically ill/died.

Notmyreality · 12/09/2025 20:11

No he’s done nothing wrong and I don’t see an issue with any of the things you’ve raised.

Owly11 · 12/09/2025 20:16

No idea what this thread is about. Why does he need to take time off when your father dies? Surely it’s you that will need to take time off work?

Rosesfornoses · 12/09/2025 20:16

He sounds like a well meaning and thoughtful husband.

CopperWhite · 12/09/2025 20:22

You are feeling sensitive. There is nothing inappropriate about what your DH said. Death happens, it should not be offensive to talk about.

Childanddogmama · 12/09/2025 20:24

Owly11 · 12/09/2025 20:16

No idea what this thread is about. Why does he need to take time off when your father dies? Surely it’s you that will need to take time off work?

To support his partner????? Seems very caring

DaisyChain505 · 12/09/2025 20:26

You’re feeling understandably sensitive but he didn’t mean any harm. If anything he’s showing you that he’s thinking about how best he can support you when the time comes.

ShodAndShadySenators · 12/09/2025 20:26

He sounds considerate and caring and prepared to support you when it is anticipated you'll need it. It's never a comfortable discussion to have so maybe he's got the timing a bit wrong, but I don't think he's actually done anything wrong here?

I'm glad your dad has picked up again, it's a worrying time

Anonymouseposter · 12/09/2025 20:29

Childanddogmama · 12/09/2025 20:24

To support his partner????? Seems very caring

It's good he's thinking he might have to take off. Many spouses/partners only take the day of the funeral off. At least he intends to offer you some support.

Wildgoat · 12/09/2025 20:30

I mean this gently I don’t think you have accepted it, nor are you pragmatic about it, and that’s understandable.

Worriedalltheday · 12/09/2025 20:32

Owly11 · 12/09/2025 20:16

No idea what this thread is about. Why does he need to take time off when your father dies? Surely it’s you that will need to take time off work?

You can’t find one reason?

Fabrikick · 12/09/2025 20:34

You mean you weren't hugely comforted by the fact he has asked his job about what he would do about his super important and heavy workload? I agree with you it wasn't tactful at all, it doesnt sound malicious either though.

Entree · 12/09/2025 20:36

Wildgoat · 12/09/2025 20:30

I mean this gently I don’t think you have accepted it, nor are you pragmatic about it, and that’s understandable.

Very well put. It's all very well to conceptually know that a loved one is nearing the end, but it's very, very different to face the reality. And your DH's comment has made you do that.

Be kind to yourself OP, but also be kind to your DH. He's only doing what he thinks is best and supportive.

Allthefruit · 12/09/2025 20:36

I think he was trying to show that he wanted to support you?

Allthefruit · 12/09/2025 20:37

I didn't take any time off when DH mum died Blush

Entree · 12/09/2025 20:40

Fabrikick · 12/09/2025 20:34

You mean you weren't hugely comforted by the fact he has asked his job about what he would do about his super important and heavy workload? I agree with you it wasn't tactful at all, it doesnt sound malicious either though.

I don't think you understand what "critical workload" means.

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