To think that my husband was tactless and inappropriate?

[Footache12]

My father is quite elderly and health has been failing for a few years now. Fair enough, I’m pragmatic about death and I know that it will inevitably happen and I’ve accepted that.

Last week he was admitted to hospital and it wasn’t looking good, and Dh and I spoke about it at the time. However (thankfully), it transpired that it was an easily treated medical issue and my father is now at home recovering.

Dh came in this evening and started, out of the blue and in an extremely blasé tone, telling me that he had been asking at work today about what would happen with his critical workload if my father passed away and he had to take emergency leave. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know it’s something he had to ask, but AIBU to think that it’s hugely tactful and inappropriate for him to bring it up with me out of the blue like that, with no context, in such a blasé way?

For context, he’s normally a decent and sensitive person but has form for occasionally misreading a room. Also, he does tend toward pessimism and has form for writing people off as dead in a weird hushed, rushed way (not sure if I’m describing that accurately, think hushed conversations on the phone with his mum using overly morose and dramatic language like ‘it’s not looking good’ etc).

I’m very pragmatic about death and not prone to being emotional, but this has really annoyed me. However, I’m also on my period so not sure if I’m just being overly moody.

True, i dont understand a simple phrase (or i just know what men are insinuating when they describe their work as such).

No! I think it’s weird and he seems to be making it all about him.

He’s planning to be there for you when the time comes. That’s very pragmatic of him.

With respect, you’re not as pragmatic here as you think you are. It’s an emotional time - that’s ok. Talk to him about it and let him know that you actually do need some emotional support here and now, as it is affecting you (as is totally normal and understandable).

It's a business expression. It means that his role in the organisation is critical, ie operational. If he can't be there, they need to plan for that. With a holiday, say, that is planned. Obvs for illness that can't be planned, but there will be contingencies in place. Such as for this unplanned absence.

Business critical is totally normal phrase. Eg running payroll and paying bill/suppliers. Often only one person who knows how to do it in smaller organisations, so everything could fall apart very quickly if that one person was off suddenly without planning.

I didn't ask, thanks for wasting your time drafting a condescending reply. He could have just asked what the process is for emergency leave, and more importantly, he could have just kept it to himself for now. Plenty of places struggle if someone is unexpectedly off, its nothing new or special and only ever heard men describe their work as such.

I think it's good to have these conversations sooner rather than later. My mum became ill very suddenly and passed away shortly afterwards. My dad had cancer a few years later. Neither of my parents were elderly and I was in my 30s. It was really helpful knowing what time off my husband was entitled to so I could focus on helping my parents.

Exactly. And the emotionally intelligent thing to do is check the systems, and forewarn work that you might be needing some personal time off in the near future.

The recent scare has brought it to mind and he is taking steps to make sure he is prepared if the worst should happen. It's good forward planning and will minimise the stress to you both when the time comes. He's actually being very caring and sensible.

Dh came in this evening and started, out of the blue and in an extremely blasé tone, telling me that he had been asking at work today about what would happen with his critical workload if my father passed away and he had to take emergency leave.

Am I the only person here who thinks your OH’s employers should not be asking him to solve their problem. If he has to take emergency leave then they have to deal with that. They should have contingency plans to deal with any of their key/critical staff are off sick, leave, have emergency leave, etc. It’s not his problem to solve. He may be able to suggest mitigation but maybe he should ask what they would do if he had to be hospitalised with no notice ? At least they have some forewarning he may need to take emergency leave. I definitely think it’s insensitive of him to discuss it with you unless he is in a position to say he has had discussions at work and there are plans in place in case he has to tale emergency leave and you don't need to worry about whether he will be able to support you.

Apsolutelly right thing to do as a partner. Except the last sentence - sensible and caring thing to do is not to mention it. There are far too many reasons why someone facing loosing their parent just don't have mental/emotional capacity and time and space for that. Coming from someone who lost both parents, one of the last things you want to hear is how it affects other people's lives, workloads, schedules, emotions, etc. It's about OP and her father not her partners plans even best intended. OP, I wish you many more days with your Dad and sending you strength ❤️

He sounds lovely @Footache12. He wants to be there for you if something was to happen and is being practical about it. Nice to read a thread here where the man is a good, decent guy and you can tell the OP that she's being unreasonable. But you are emotional so it's understandable.

OP I agree with other posters that what he’s done does seem entirely pragmatic and along the same lines as you say you are approaching the inevitable.

I’d also point out that you’ve suggested he writes people off and had contacted your mum using dramatic language like it’s not looking good. Yet this is exactly the phrase you used in the OP to describe the situation at the time.

i wonder if what you are doing is telling yourself you’re being very pragmatic about it but actually pushing down some of the worry, concern and raw feelings and directing them at your DH?

And as a side bar, I am female and my job is business critical. We have contingency plans in place for emergency leave. I don’t know why previous poster seems to think this is a male thing…

once a dog of mine had a large cut needing stitches, i bathed it, it was only the skin & very little blood, went to vet with her & was just holding her as he was going to stitch just under local anaesthetic. Then i fainted! has never happened before or since but made me realise we don’t know how we’re going to react in new &/or extreme circumstances.
So don’t worry OP, just let DH organise himself (no skin off your nose anyway).
Sorry your DD has had this episode, hope you’re all feeling better soon.

Not just you. Thought that was a bit off myself.

If he’s usually “decent and sensitive” I’d be inclined to put this down to him being proactive in getting clarity on how he’ll ensure he’s available to provide you emotional and practical support when your DF sadly passes (hopefully many years hence). I suspect it’s been on his mind with the recent hospitalisation. In the same way this recent illness has reminded you that your lovely Dad won’t be here forever, it has likely given him the same jolt. Whilst the timing and delivery could have been better, I don’t think you can give him too much of a hard time over it.

I send my best wishes to you @Footache12 My Dad has a number of serious health conditions including diabetes, a heart condition (he’s had a triple bypass, on angina meds and has a pacemaker), has a type of blood cancer (myelodysplastic syndrome) and also familial high cholesterol from a faulty gene (which he very generously passed on to me and my two brothers - cheers Dad!). He was also recently in hospital for a week with a bad bout of D&V which, due to his other issues, led to jaundice/kidney problems and impacted his blood levels so badly he had to have a number of transfusions in addition to the antibiotics etc. Seeing him so poorly in his hospital bed really shook me. Whilst my Dad has always joked that he didn’t think he’d live long enough to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day (2019 thankfully🥰) and he’s more than happy to have made it to his early 70s, I think it scared him a little too. I spoke to my DH and am committed to doing everything to spend time with and enjoy my parents (Mum has some health problems too) for as long as I can.

Glad your Dad is feeling better.💙

You don’t think you also might need time off if your fil died? I certainly would.

I think his delivery was probably insensitive but the intention behind it was good

No, I wouldn’t. I really don’t understand why the op’s husband is doing this. He seems self important and as if it’s all about him. If he really needs to forewarn work that he might need a day off to attend a funeral at some point in the next few years, he could make discreet enquiries at work, he certainly doesn’t need to mention it to op in such an insensitive way. Yes, she is worried that he might die soon but he could live a good few years yet and it’s weird for her husband to start planning - it’s not his father fgs. She didn’t ask him to make arrangements so why is he telling her this? I am sure his work can make arrangements to cover him at short notice without the world coming to an end. I find it a bit ghoulish - as if he wants to focus on death and a potential crisis - and what the op says about the way he talks to his mother backs up this perspective.

Am I the only person here who thinks your OH’s employers should not be asking him to solve their problem.

They're not are they?

He asked them?

telling me that he had been asking at work today about what would happen with his critical workload...

I agree with you Op that there was no need for him to say anything to you.

Sounds like a great husband if he’s already planning on how to support you with something horrible in the future.

Am I the only person here who thinks your OH’s employers should not be asking him to solve their problem. If he has to take emergency leave then they have to deal with that. They should have contingency plans to deal with any of their key/critical staff are off sick, leave, have emergency leave, etc. It’s not his problem to solve. He may be able to suggest mitigation but maybe he should ask what they would do if he had to be hospitalised with no notice ? At least they have some forewarning he may need to take emergency leave. I definitely think it’s insensitive of him to discuss it with you unless he is in a position to say he has had discussions at work and there are plans in place in case he has to tale emergency leave and you don't need to worry about whether he will be able to support you.

Where has the employer asked him to solve their problem? He has identified a gap and asked what the plans would be, essentially informing them they need to make a contingency plan. And yes, that contingency plan could be used in any short notice absence.

I think he was probably trying to provide reassurance to OP that he has been proactive about ensuring he will be in a position to help and support her as needed. Being 'blasé' about it is simply not making a big fuss, casually mentioning that he has started the conversation.

Any mention of your father potentially dying is bound to be upsetting but, in this case, it seems like your husband was letting you know that he's flagged to his work that this could happen and he's put them on notice that if it did he'd be expecting to take time out to be with you. It sounds quite a kind thing to do to me. He might have been a bit clumsy when he told you but, and I mean this kindly, pretty much any way he said it would have made you upset, just because of the nature of the topic.

Meant to pop back on here yesterday to say thanks for the perspective everyone, I had a suspicion that I might have been being unreasonable.

Similar situation here. I was glad he had an action plan to be with me when the worst happened. Sorry but I think you’re being over sensitive.