Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that my husband was tactless and inappropriate?

61 replies

Footache12 · 12/09/2025 19:23

My father is quite elderly and health has been failing for a few years now. Fair enough, I’m pragmatic about death and I know that it will inevitably happen and I’ve accepted that.

Last week he was admitted to hospital and it wasn’t looking good, and Dh and I spoke about it at the time. However (thankfully), it transpired that it was an easily treated medical issue and my father is now at home recovering.

Dh came in this evening and started, out of the blue and in an extremely blasé tone, telling me that he had been asking at work today about what would happen with his critical workload if my father passed away and he had to take emergency leave. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know it’s something he had to ask, but AIBU to think that it’s hugely tactful and inappropriate for him to bring it up with me out of the blue like that, with no context, in such a blasé way?

For context, he’s normally a decent and sensitive person but has form for occasionally misreading a room. Also, he does tend toward pessimism and has form for writing people off as dead in a weird hushed, rushed way (not sure if I’m describing that accurately, think hushed conversations on the phone with his mum using overly morose and dramatic language like ‘it’s not looking good’ etc).

I’m very pragmatic about death and not prone to being emotional, but this has really annoyed me. However, I’m also on my period so not sure if I’m just being overly moody.

OP posts:
pilates · 13/09/2025 13:47

@Footache12 glad you have had time to dwell on this. I think your DH was being thoughtful in that he wants to be with you through a difficult time.

DoYouWantTheHouseTour · 13/09/2025 14:30

He sounds the pragmatic one out of the both of you..

FlipFlopVibe · 13/09/2025 20:13

Last week he was admitted to hospital and it wasn’t looking good, and Dh and I spoke about it at the time…

…(not sure if I’m describing that accurately, think hushed conversations on the phone with his mum using overly morose and dramatic language like ‘it’s not looking good’ etc).

Kindly you said the same thing in your opening of your post - “it wasn’t looking good”. It’s a gentle way of saying you were preparing for the worst.

Connectingconcrable · 13/09/2025 20:15

I can’t see a problem here @Footache12 .

NewPoet · 13/09/2025 22:25

Hardly "out of the blue" or "without context", is it?

busymomtoone · 14/09/2025 09:09

Firstly sorry to hear about your father , but glad he’s recovering. You’re bound to be feeling a bit fragile and sensitive. I’m not one to give men the benefit of the doubt- but in this case I think your husband sounds golden! He waited until your father was recovering- then informed you ( albeit perhaps clumsily) that he had already given work the heads up if he needed time off what happens with his workload. That shows he’s ready to take time off to support you no matter how busy he is at the time - whenever the inevitable happens ( hopefully further into the future). Comes across to me as trying to reassure you he will be by your side regardless. I suspect some men would exhibit ostrich syndrome in these circumstances - so seems like a walking green flag !

Notmyreality · 14/09/2025 09:39

Fabrikick · 12/09/2025 20:53

I didn't ask, thanks for wasting your time drafting a condescending reply. He could have just asked what the process is for emergency leave, and more importantly, he could have just kept it to himself for now. Plenty of places struggle if someone is unexpectedly off, its nothing new or special and only ever heard men describe their work as such.

Well I’m female and my work/role is business critical. Happy now?

Doorbellsandknockers · 14/09/2025 09:41

In a way I'd be glad he's planning ahead. He could have been more tactful though.

InterestedDad37 · 14/09/2025 09:57

You've described your DH as pragmatic, but erring on the side of pessimism - sounds right from what you've said.
I honestly thought you were going to say that he'd asked your dad about his will, or something like that!
I'd say he was just being prepared, and there isn't much of an issue.

FeetLikeFlippers · 14/09/2025 15:53

It sounds like your father’s recent illness has made DH think about how he can support you when your elderly father does eventually die. I don’t see how that can be a bad thing. Unless there is some background you haven’t mentioned I think you’re being over-sensitive.

Labelledelune · 14/09/2025 15:53

Mountains and molehills come to mind.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page