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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that sometimes you should send the letter or message (versus no contact)?

72 replies

LoisLaneKent · 12/09/2025 18:38

So after a break up the line is always to go complete no contact and be strict with it. I follow this advice.

4 months ago my ex blindsided me at a time when we were due to move in together, had recently discussed having kids in the next few years etc

He did the actual break up over a video call which felt impersonal and disrespectful. I had suffered a bereavement 3 days prior which meant I was numb, in shock and annoyingly pleasant to him during. He never contacted me again.

I wrote a letter to him, saved to my laptop. And 2 months later I think - why did he get to inflict that on me when I could barely react and I never got to get these things off my chest? I personally think it would have impacted him if he heard the hurt he had caused. Is it really always healthy to go complete no contact and let the person off the hook?

OP posts:

WatchingTheDetective · 12/09/2025 19:02

I agree with you. People think that being ignored is worse, but it usually just lets them off the hook. I think it's much better to write a short message to tell them, rather than just blank them.

Hankunamatata · 12/09/2025 19:05

But your breaking up. There isn't a good way to do it. They dont really care if you get it off your chest or say your bit as they are breaking up with you.

nomas · 12/09/2025 19:09

You absolutely should get your feelings off your chest for closure. Then you go no contact.

Is it upsetting you? Tell him what a dick he was.

nomas · 12/09/2025 19:10

Hankunamatata · 12/09/2025 19:05

But your breaking up. There isn't a good way to do it. They dont really care if you get it off your chest or say your bit as they are breaking up with you.

It doesn’t matter if he cares, Op should do it for her own closure.

Original poster

LoisLaneKent · 12/09/2025 19:15

nomas · 12/09/2025 19:10

It doesn’t matter if he cares, Op should do it for her own closure.

Show quote history

This is it - he avoided doing it person I believe because he didn’t want to see or feel the pain he was causing. And then never spoke to me again. We were together for years!

im torn because my pride doesn’t want him to know im still hurting 4 months later - on the other, I never got to say my piece and I’ve found that very hard.

the idea would be to send one email

OP posts:

Original poster

LoisLaneKent · 12/09/2025 19:19

@Hankunamatata I really disagree there is no good way to break up. He should have done it in person.

OP posts:

AnotherNaCha · 12/09/2025 19:19

I agree with do it. As long as you can then move on, you’re not waiting for a reply or to get into any discourse. I believe in calling this shit behaviour out, otherwise it just enables more of it.

nomas · 12/09/2025 19:22

LoisLaneKent · 12/09/2025 19:15

This is it - he avoided doing it person I believe because he didn’t want to see or feel the pain he was causing. And then never spoke to me again. We were together for years!

im torn because my pride doesn’t want him to know im still hurting 4 months later - on the other, I never got to say my piece and I’ve found that very hard.

the idea would be to send one email

Edited

Show quote history

Email is fine too. What worked for me was calling him and getting it off my chest.

ElfAndSafetyBored · 12/09/2025 19:24

I think if you feel you’ll get closure then you should do it.

Pride is a strong feeling, it can be very positive, but can also be destructive.

As you feel torn about it, could you include a bit about how you know it is temporary pain as it hurts a bit less each day, so he knows the hurt he caused but that you are on the mend.

It might not feel like you are at moment, but I truly hope you are on the path there and can see that it is better now than when you have two under 5’s to share with this man.

I’m really sorry. After those discussions it must be crushing. I hope you have good friends to get you through it.

Weepixie · 12/09/2025 19:25

Do it Op, get it of your chest now of it will haunt you for years. Yes. It could be that as time passes you might be okay, but there is also the chance it will still be there eating away at you. Save yourself the years of it eating away at you and deal with it now.

I speak from experience.

All the very best to you going forward 💐

ElfAndSafetyBored · 12/09/2025 19:25

AnotherNaCha · 12/09/2025 19:19

I agree with do it. As long as you can then move on, you’re not waiting for a reply or to get into any discourse. I believe in calling this shit behaviour out, otherwise it just enables more of it.

I agree with this too.

Original poster

LoisLaneKent · 12/09/2025 19:27

I am tempted because I can honestly say it’s not about him replying or getting into a discourse. It’s about having a voice and telling him the hurt he caused that I’ve had to live with all summer.

I feel he took away my option to voice my feelings by giving me a quick call and disappearing.

OP posts:

Damnd · 12/09/2025 19:28

No I don't think it's worth the loss of dignity. Whatever you say will unlikely have as much impact as you imagine it will. They no longer care or they wouldn't have broken up.

MeganM3 · 12/09/2025 19:29

4 months post break up is a really agonising point to be at. I think it’s probably the worst bit. Could you see how you’re doing in another 6 weeks time. And if you feel the same way as now, then contact him and say your piece. But you might feel differently by then and have detached a bit more and be glad you didn’t contact him.
My advice would be to just wait for now. Focus on other things. You really are in the difficult patch.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 12/09/2025 19:29

It just depends on the situation

In this one, i'd write a letter telling him about himself, the bellend

LetGoLetThem1234 · 12/09/2025 19:31

Okay, so you send a message. Then what?

Say he doesn't read it, how will you know? Or he reads it and that's all he does. No response. How will you feel?

Will you be looking for a response?

What if he's indifferent? You broke up 4 months ago. Why now?

winter8090 · 12/09/2025 19:32

There is never a good time for a break up and I’m sorry it happened at such a bad time for you.

What would you what to achieve by making contact? Closure comes from within.

I have one thought …. And it’s that how you react and behave in a break up will stay with you much longer than the actual break up. True of any situation.

nomas · 12/09/2025 19:32

LoisLaneKent · 12/09/2025 19:27

I feel he took away my option to voice my feelings by giving me a quick call and disappearing.

Yep he gets to pretend that you’re fine and what he did was fine. Take your power back and confront him.

Weepixie · 12/09/2025 19:32

Okay, so you send a message. Then what?

Who knows? Does it matter?

The op sends the letter and that’s it.

KittyHigham · 12/09/2025 19:36

I personally think it would have impacted him if he heard the hurt he had caused.
I doubt that very much! It would only impact him if he loved and cared about you. His abrupt ending of the relationship and his choice of video call demonstrates that he does not care about your feelings. Reading a letter from you won't cause him pain. Sadly its more likely to either irritate him or confirm that he did the right thing.
It's really tough @LoisLaneKent but doing nothing is absolutely the best thing. Do you really want to leave him with a permanent record of you at your lowest and most vulnerable? Why would you? Dont give him that privilege.
Talk to your nearest and nearest, or a counsellor if you have things you need to come to terms with. But not him. He won't feel regret or guilt or compassion. If he had compassion he'd have acted differently

KittyHigham · 12/09/2025 19:49

nomas · 12/09/2025 19:32

Yep he gets to pretend that you’re fine and what he did was fine. Take your power back and confront him.

Show quote history

What power is being reclaimed? OP has no power over what her ex does or feels. She will never know whether he put the letter in the bin or took it to the pub and shared it with his mates or whatever else. She'll never know if he felt sad, happy, exasperated, amused ...

The potential to keep the distress going is far greater than the likelihood of 'closure'.

Original poster

LoisLaneKent · 12/09/2025 19:59

@KittyHigham I still believe he did it that way because he wanted to avoid the pain of doing it in person. I believe he did care but wanted to avoid what he was doing to me.

he took all my power away and that’s why im leaning towards sending it like @nomas says

OP posts:

Original poster

LoisLaneKent · 12/09/2025 20:01

The ‘power’ for me is transmitting that message to him directly. I thought I was going to spend my life with this person and I think this IS my closure.

I behaved with complete dignity during the break up as I essentially said ok
goodbye and didn’t cry. I was also numb from my bereavement so couldn’t respond properly back then

OP posts:

Original poster

LoisLaneKent · 12/09/2025 20:02

How do we know someone won’t feel compassion or regret? I was very close to this person and I believe he might. Regardless its not why im considering sending it

OP posts:

Lemsipcoldandflu · 12/09/2025 20:06

I don’t think the letter would have made a difference. If he was willing to end a relationship via video call just after you list someone close to you then he clearly didn’t care to begin with. It’s a wasted effort and stops you pouring your heart out to a knobhead

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