to think that sometimes you should send the letter or message (versus no contact)?

[LoisLaneKent]

So after a break up the line is always to go complete no contact and be strict with it. I follow this advice.

4 months ago my ex blindsided me at a time when we were due to move in together, had recently discussed having kids in the next few years etc

He did the actual break up over a video call which felt impersonal and disrespectful. I had suffered a bereavement 3 days prior which meant I was numb, in shock and annoyingly pleasant to him during. He never contacted me again.

I wrote a letter to him, saved to my laptop. And 2 months later I think - why did he get to inflict that on me when I could barely react and I never got to get these things off my chest? I personally think it would have impacted him if he heard the hurt he had caused. Is it really always healthy to go complete no contact and let the person off the hook?

I truly hope that sending it brings you what you hope for. @LoisLaneKent

Don't do it.

Move on. Be free of his crap.

I think though @Lemsipcoldandflu it’s about what makes a difference to me and not to him

i’ll think about it further over the weekend and decide.

My relationship of 5 years ended over the phone. Like you, I was completely blindsided. I felt I was too nice on the phone in the moment as I was in shock. About a week later, I found my anger and fired off an email telling him exactly what I thought of him. I felt so much better then and we have had no contact since. It would have eaten me up if I didn't.

I think it’s yourself you’re mostly angry with, for having not expressed your actual feelings at the time. I imagine the bereavement contributed to why he broke up with you when he did, and why he didn’t do it in person — he had decided for whatever reason that he didn’t want to move in together, and was worried about having to be supportive in the wake of your loss in a way that would continue the relationship.

You know yourself best, I suppose. For me sending an angry break-up letter four months late wouldn’t be empowering in any way, but if you genuinely think you would benefit from it, do it. Just make sure you’re not doing it in hope of sparking a reaction from him, because you’re likely to be disappointed.

If it was a week or two ago, I’d say go for it. After four months I wouldn’t, as I wouldn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I was still hurting.

He has moved on. Painful though it is, you need to do the same.

I really feel for you OP, what a shit thing to do to you, you deserved better.

I understand why you want to send that email, but I think its a bad idea-

You are naturally viewing how receiving this letter would be received by the person you thought they were/if you received it, with care and love for you, or if vice versa, for them.

This person has shown you neither by the way they treated you.

They may not even read it, never mind respond. It is unlikely to get you the response you are hoping for-them to understand the pain they caused-because they have already shown they lack empathy by doing this to you.

Hold your head high, don't send the letter, and focus on healing yourself. You deserve better and have had a lucky escape from a cold fish.

If he cared more about you than himself then he would have anticipated the pain he was causing you was worse than the discomfort he felt and he did it anyway.

It hurt you. As he knew it would.

Reopening the wound and getting no meaningful feedback from him (which is obviously what will happen given he did it in a way that made it easiest for him the first time round) means you will be hurt all over again.

Nothing has stopped him getting in touch to say sorry, has it? And he hasn't. He's moved on. Men always move on quickly.

Imagine sending that and finding out he's already out on the scene or with a new girlfriend. You'll be mortified.

Currently you're grieving and sad. In a while you'll move to angry and then you'll be glad to reflect on your dignity and know you didn't give him more of your tears.

No good will come from it.

I can see why people find this cathartic. If you feel you need to do it, do it. Particularly if someone has behaved in a reprehensible way (cheating etc).

But the harsh reality is that the person receiving the note/letter no longer cares. If they cared, they wouldn’t be breaking up with you. So there is no point.

Where this gets problematic is people tell themselves they want “closure” but what they actually want deep down is some sort of reaction, an epiphany and a realisation that they have made a mistake.

The truth is that the other person doesn’t think that they have made a mistake. Having someone you have chosen to finish with berate you about poor conduct tends to reinforce your belief that you have actually done the right thing, you have “dodged a bullet”.

So all you are doing by writing and sending something like this is reinforcing your own weakness in the relationship and cementing the other person’s conviction that they no longer need you.

I think you should sent it. It doesn't matter whether he reads it)responds/ignores it. What matters is that you get to say your piece.

I have an ex that dumped me and then blocked me. I never got the chance to tell him what I thought of him as I was so shocked in the moment. I have no way of contacting him but if I did, perhaps I would send a letter too. People should be called out on their behaviour.

He cannot fix your feelings and closure only comes from processing them. That is a very sad reality that we only fully experience being hurt by others. The people who break your heart can’t fix it. The pain comes from dealing with the new reality.

Breaking up hurts, there is no way to prevent that, if he had broken up in person it would have hurt, if he broke up at a better time, it would have hurt.

As sad as it is to deal with because ultimately he is what caused you to feel the pain he is not responsible for your feelings, you are.

If it genuinely didn’t matter whether the ex read it or not, the OP would be writing a letter for herself and burning it. She’s very clear that she wants him to hear her hurt, and thinks there’s a good chance he will respond with ‘compassion and regret’. In which case I agree with @Thepeopleversuswork — four months on, he’s likely to think ‘I was right not to do that in person!’ and ‘Whew! Dodged a bullet there.’

He was within his rights to end a relationship that he wanted to end. He didn't have to do it in person or in a long-drawn-out way. There's no easy way to say to someone that after several years, you don't love them any more and want to be with them. Who cares if he did it on Teams?

Splitting up with someone is saying that you're no longer going to be their main emotional support person.

I agree with the poster above saying what you actually want is for him to see and acknowledge you and help you process how bad it feels and for him to think he behaved badly and feel bad. But he didn't behave badly. It is agonising for you and I'm so sorry that you suffered a breakup. But he didn't do anything wrong, nor should he need to do any more emotional labour with you. He's politely resigned that job.

If you want to send the letter because you believe it will make YOU feel better, then send it

Of course I don't know you, but ime I find that people usually send correspondence to elicit a reaction of some sort, from the other person. Correspondence isn't usually sent in a vacuum with no expectation or hope.

If you have expectation or hope of a reaction or emotion from or within him, then don't send the letter

You absolutely do not sent the letter. It smacks of desperation and he will definitely show it to someone and they will have a laugh about it , please do not do this to yourself.
Write it, get it off your chest and bin it

@CancelTheTableAlan well actually he told me he did still love me during the break up! Which only increased my confusion.

I disagree there’s not a good way to break up because my in person break ups have led to a kinder and more civil end. I think fondly about those people and remain friends with one. He was someone that avoided conflict so it’s not a surprise.

@whimsicallyprickly i honestly don’t care if he replies. But I would like him
to hear what I have to say before I finally move on.

that said the main thing giving me pause is what @Fifthtimelucky said - it will tell him how much I’m still hurting 4 months on. I am starting to come through it slowly though.

I agree with this. Given his behaviour you are well rid and I think sending something 4 months on makes you look a bit obsessive, sorry. I’d want to do the same as you btw, not judging, I just think he doesn’t sound very nice so unlikely to care and then you’ve put your feelings out there.

I think women are socialised to be agreeable and not feel our own anger. So, the anger can take a while for us to even feel.

Send it if you'll feel better but block him straight after. Don't say anything you'll regret, focus it on how cowardly and contemptible his method of dumping was, not the actual breakup. You deserved better than that after a long relationship. He's a piece of shit, not for ending a relationship he no longer wanted to be in, but for doing it in such a pathetic way.

@SquirrelosaurusSoShiny I agree anyone has the right to end a relationship - but it was the method.

we had been making plans for the future. I always thought he was a wonderful person and never thought he would hurt me like this. The last person I thought would.

I think you need to say what you need to say. It doesn’t matter whether at the time or later. I would do it in person not by email.

Could you send it, but make the focus the indignation and disappointment you still feel about how callously he treated you at the time, rather than how you’re still hurting from the actual break-up? That way you retain more dignity. You could say you’ve got over the break-up itself but still feel he was very wrong in the way he did it, and as you were too shocked at the time to think clearly you want to tell him now. But you need to think about how you will feel if you get no response at all.

By the time a person has decided to break up with you and psyched themselves up to actually tell you, they are usually unreachable. Their only aim in the break up conversation is typically to get through it as quickly and easily as possible so they can move on to their new person/freedom.
Some spend a bit of time trying to leave the impression theyre a good person, so may indulge you a little and use a few more words. But bottom line is, they want you in their past asap. So as the person on the receiving end all you can achieve with your honesty about how you feel is to make them a little more uncomfortable during that conversation, and possibly get it off your chest. However, you won't change anything. Your words will have no lasting impact. And the relationship will be no less over. You can't let someone off the hook, because they're not on it. They're gone.

@Nothinglikeagoodbook ive written it already and that is the focus. I talk about the hurt in past tense as well. It’s still just sitting in draft.

in hindsight I think I should’ve just sent it 2 months ago before more time passed.

They may perfectly well be a good person, though! They just don’t want to be in a relationship with you any more. That doesn’t make them ‘bad’, it just makes them leaving you, however they do it.