Asking for help with housework as a SAHM with 1 yo & 3yo

[Anonymous23458d]

I asked my husband for help today. If he can do more when he finishes work with household things as I'm finding it really tough doing everything with a 1 yo and 3 yo. The 3yo goes to preschool two mornings a week and in that time sometimes I can get tea on in the slowcooker but other than that not much else. Husband will do the pots in the morning and occasionally take the bins out and occasionally put the washing away only if I ask. He works from home so its not as if he has commute time. He doesnt do anything to do with the household after work he will put one child to bed but doesnt like bathtime. And never does anything on the weekend other than putting a wash on now and then when his kit needs washing. I asked him for help on message today and he sent me the below. Am I wrong for requesting him to help with housework in the evening and at the weekend?

Oh OP, he wants a traditional and submissive housewife . He’s not going to change and if that’s not what you want to be you might have to be on your own. You’ll certainly not miss anything and he’ll realise what an easy life he had

I’m very sorry you’re in this situation. This person is not a partner to you and is not a good parent in that new role modelling terrible behaviour. The housework is not YOUR housework and the children are not YOUR children. They are both joint responsibilities, of which you do more of during the day. Presumably his attitude in the text message is not going to change, so you will either have to accept the situation or change it by asking him to leave.

You married a misogynistic guy who thinks household work is for women. He wants you to be a trad wife so he can be a spoiled, lazy man who does nothing to keep his home nice or engage with his children.

Put the kids in childcare and get a job. Don't be a sahm to a misogynist.

Wow. That's awful. I'm sorry OP.

Why isn’t he doing half of all chores at the weekend?

God OP I am sorry he’s an absolute dinosaur.

I think you need to get a job asap, start saving and plan to leave him.

He is a terrible role model for your family.

What were the earlier messages OP?
Whilst I clearly don't agree with what's been said, it looks to me like there is more.context to the actual message thread?

Divorce him now it will only get worse. How long have you been a SAHM- get that CV sorted. He thinks if he goes to work you do literally everything around the house and with the kids.

So he’s being unreasonable for not helping.

But more broadly - I think it’s probably massively unhealthy for everyone to all be cooped up in the same house 7 days a week.

I think most couples are going to argue about managing of housework etc when they have two children this age - it’s really hard.

Cmere you're not working in the mines. You're at a desk dickhead. You can manage a few pits and pans of an evening. I promise if the situation arrises that you have to go out and hunt and kill dinner I won't ask any more of you. Prick.

All joking aside you need to go back to work. I'm SAHM, and a constant row is how I feel vulnerable and he's almost offended by it. His full salary goes in the bank account, we both get equal spends for our own accounts. We get equal nights out. He is very clear to the kids that I am vital to our family and my contribution is equal to his. I couldn't make myself vulnerable for someone who isn't a top human being.

We did fight like cats and dogs when the kids were babies though. This strikes me as one of those times he needs a bit more solo parenting.

Put him straight in the bin.

I'm a SAHM of young children, 2 at school and 2 not yet, and when my husband isn't working (at his job outside the home) everything is 50/50 and I mean everything. Housework, childcare including nights, cooking, laundry, mental load (although I have to gently guide that one so not really!) etc. Tbh I don't do a whole load of housework when I'm home alone with the kids except for general cleaning and tidying up after us throughout the day. Your responsibility when you're home alone with them is keeping the kids safe, happy, fed etc. You aren't responsible for everything while he swans about "paying for everything so you have the luxury of staying at home". This isn't the 1950s.

This is a contentious topic on Mumsnet though and I've been called lazy for this in the past 😂 But others have applauded it. Strange place.

Stand your ground. You're not a maid.

When he said instead of just communicating in a kind manner you instead be nasty and aggressive what did he mean by that? I'd like to see the rest of the appropriate convo

Oooh OP .... he sounds like my husband, with exception that I do work and financially contribute. He still wants keeps to do all the chores.
He sounds unreasonable in my view. He should be helping g you as yo8 have 2 little ones and it is very hard for you to do chores on top of that !

Your work as a SAHM never ends, so he needs to understand that parenting responsibilities are shared and chores (more or less). Is he willing to look after kids more?

I think Monday to Friday he is relatively reasonable for expecting you to do the house stuff ( aside from bedtime ) but at the weekend he should be doing his fair share. You can bin him, but then you’ll definitely have to go back to work full time. I’d never be a SAHM it’s just too risky imo, I’ve always had my own independence and would never need to stick around for this kind of rubbish behaviour!

You're wrong for remaining married to the Andrew tate coded loser

With a 1 and. 3 yr old? Do you have children? At that age I still had 1 in nappies, both walking, eldest with a tendency to try to run off of out fo the house and both kids needed a lot of interaction and exercise.

By the end of May leave I was back at work too but even when not at work why would I be cleaning, cooking and parenting 24/7 including night feeds for youngest at that age, while he works 9-5onday to Friday? Absolute nonsense

You need to go back to work and start to make a plan for your future. He thinks supporting you to be a SAHM has bought him a 1950s housewife, his attitude is never going to change.

Yes I had two kids 2 years apart, at this time in my life I also had a full time job and a husband that spent 6 months a year working abroad. It’s is hard work no doubt but I honestly do think that if you elect to stay at home that throwing some washing in, cooking dinner and wiping up / hoovering / bleaching the toilets isn’t the end of the world! I always had time for these things , the kids were somewhere safe. When stuff needs doing I just do it! Tbh I probably didn’t have the energy to make a fuss about it but it never felt like a big deal to me like it does to many SAHP on MN.

He’s a misogynistic asshole. He has zero respect for you. You'll need some serious counselling to work this out, that’s if you even want to.

He sounds like a total arsehole tbh.

He's gaslighting you. My situation is very similar to yours, apart from my husband.

The understanding is that both me and my husband have a job to do between 9-5 and outside these hours everything is split 50/50 as in neither of us stops until everything is done. Otherwise my job would be 24/7 and his would be 9-5, hardly fair!

If I was you I would just do what you can manage and leave the rest. He'll pick it up if he's bothered enough. Other than that, pay for help if you can, laundry service, cleaner etc.

But if I'm being completely honest, he doesn't sound like the type of man I'd be comfortable being financially dependent on.

Utter bastard! He won't change.

I would normally reccomend therapy individual/couples counselling but that only works with someone wanting change or at the very least willing to hear your side.

I'm not sure you can work with him at all. He is so entitled. He has such disdain for you. Is he completely checked out of the relationship too? Emotionally wise I mean I imagine he still thinks he is entitled to sex. Has he always been like this?

Ergh so sorry op I would be looking to leave the relationship.

I'm a sahm so I look after the children and do housework/gardening effectively 9-5. The same as DH works.

Outside of those hours we share the tasks. Generally I cook and he cleans, he does bathtime and I do bedtime. He sorts DC's breakfast and I make their lunchbox.

I wouldn't be happy for him to do nothing to help all weekend - both partners need down time.

However - DO you complain a lot? Do you appreciate what he does do? Does he have a stressful job with very long hours or something?