Asking for help with housework as a SAHM with 1 yo & 3yo

[Anonymous23458d]

I asked my husband for help today. If he can do more when he finishes work with household things as I'm finding it really tough doing everything with a 1 yo and 3 yo. The 3yo goes to preschool two mornings a week and in that time sometimes I can get tea on in the slowcooker but other than that not much else. Husband will do the pots in the morning and occasionally take the bins out and occasionally put the washing away only if I ask. He works from home so its not as if he has commute time. He doesnt do anything to do with the household after work he will put one child to bed but doesnt like bathtime. And never does anything on the weekend other than putting a wash on now and then when his kit needs washing. I asked him for help on message today and he sent me the below. Am I wrong for requesting him to help with housework in the evening and at the weekend?

So does your husband do none of it? Fine if you want to be some man's skivvy, wouldn't be for me

Has he done a day on his own with them. When my daughter was ill and my school had OFSTED in he took the 2 days off with her. He appreciated just how much hard work it was so much more. (He is pretty good anyway). If nothing else its worth a go.

How is that gaslighting?

She said that her husband worked away for 6 months of the year. He literally can't help at home during those 6 months.

You need to go back to work so you can get your ducks in a row and leave him. He's disgusting.

And the other 6 months? Also I wouldn't have kids with someone who would be away 6/12 per year, see also anyone in the armed forces

I used to work from home, my late wife would always ask to go out because I'm at home.... My boss rang one day as we walked round Asda, he understood the situation as long as my work was done. When we had kids, I had 2 months at home, I also did all night feeds,.nappies etc so my late wife could sleep and the same with baby 2 who was and still is seriously disabled.

My wife would put the washing on during the day, I'd sort it out at night, load the dishwasher, iron my own shirts (yes I'm that.old).

Cooking we shared as I was better at a.few.things and it made.sure.she rested. Wash his kit either on a high temp to shrink it OR if it's white, accidentally chuck in something red just in case the colour runs.

Now days, there are no gender roles because if you wasn't there, he would be doing it all himself and 11 years as a single dad, it's bloody hard.

He needs to get his head out his backside and step up

I feel the same way.

Well you did marry him. Interesting to know if you ever discussed parenting before your sweet children were born?

I presume when you say "his kit" in the wash, that he has sport/gym during the week? So if he can get time off to enjoy himself, then so should you. You both need to sort how you can fairly share household tasks and childcare and stick to it. If you can establish a set routine as much as possible, life should be easier.

No. I divorced him for being shit all round but that was fine as I was financially better off than him. I hadn’t given up my independence to be his skivvy. I don’t actually mind housework though and still do the majority share now, as I said. I don’t think it’s a big deal.

Big enough deal to offload him

I work too btw always have except mat leaves. But my husband does his half of everything. Or he'd not be here.

Go back to full time work, put the kids in childcare, make him pay and when the kids are a bit older leave him. He’s a horrible misogynist.

I didn’t divorce him over housework, that didn’t and doesn’t bother me. I really don’t understand the huge fuss about chores. Maybe I’m just odd for enjoying it, I like my house neat and tidy, I don’t need someone to do that for me. My husband and kids tidy after themselves ( this is easier with older kids for sure) it’s really not divorce worthy imo. In the OPs instance I’d be wanting more bedtime help in the week and some ironing / sorting / dinner making but if I didn’t have a job I would absolutely not mind taking on 90% of the house and child stuff. That would be my contribution.

I am currently a SAHM to two children as well. And I feel the same! I honestly think we are just the default parent….whether we work or not! It’s your husband’s house as well, and he should help! You aren’t expecting him to do it while he is at work (that’s why you are home), but absolutely, when he finishes for the day or it’s the weekend, he should be doing his bit too.

She wants making comment about other six months and that's your choice. Not sure I could do it either but lots of Mum's do it as its a good wage. Some are on rigs etc.

I was a sahm, when Dh was in the house everything was split 50/50. That included a lie in for each of us on the weekend, one on one time with the children too. It is called being a team. I had time to batch cook food because Dh was with the children, this in turn made our evenings easier, we did bath time together, one of us bathing them, the other getting pyjamas/nappies ready etc. After all it is 2025 not 1950 so your Dh should be parenting.

Stop calling it help, helping implies it is all your responsibility. It isn't. He is an equal parent in this. Whilst he might work and be unavailable for periods of time during the day, when he is available he should be doing half of everything.

OP has your "D"h ever had both children on his own for any length of time? Ever had to figure out how to go for a poo without the other parent being available to watch them? Make a meal whilst making sure they don't hurt themselves or each other? I think it is time this happened.

It isn't for the woman though when she shares a home with a man, it should be as much his responsibility when he's home.

Those text messages would be divorce worthy for me.

I’ve not once said his behaviour isn’t shit, but those messages don’t cover either of them in glory! I don’t think housework is actually the root cause issue here. It’s about respect more generally.

Gosh, hes a dick isnt he? I have an 11 month old and my partner would never, ever speak to me like that if I asked him for more help. As it is, he does all the cooking and we share everything else, naturally I do more day to day.

You dont have to accept the bare minimum, even if it is "more" than other generations got, what a ridiculous attitude!

Is money tight for you? Was he on board about you becoming a SAHM? Did you paint a picture that he expected you to do it all if you weren't working? Sometimes not having the same expectations of parenthood can cause friction
But why on earth are you texting each other like kids when you are both at home! Sounds like communication has broken down and that you both need to think about how you can fix that for the sake of your kids. They should be the focus
Do you think you might have post natal depression and need some help with mental health and overwhelm? Might he be depressed or simply resentful trying to work at home with noisy kids in the background? Might he be worried about losing his job or the increasing costs of two kids on a single wage? You are incredibly lucky to be able to afford it.
Could you work weekends to get yourself out of the house for a break and give your OH a taste of what its like have the 2 kids on his own. He might be more understanding and have more respect after that for the difficulty of kids that age.

For context I have 2 boys, they were incredibly busy at that young age and could not be left for 5 mins so I understand how much work little kids are. I worked full time from when they were 6 months old though, no choice to be a SAHM. We had to split chores 50 50 every evening and weekend. My husband is no good at having conversations when he is unhappy about something, he sulks or strops. I have to be the adult and start the conversation to clear the air so we can agree a compromise. Have an adult conversation, with a mediator if needed and try to agree a way forward that suits you both

Christ what an absolute asshole. Mine used to say things like this when I was struggling in the depths of sleep deprivation. He wouldn't lift a finger. We split when our kids were that age and he moved out. It was still hard because of the workload that comes with kids of that age. But it was still endlessly easier without him and we were all soo much happier!!! Men like this are not compatible with family life. They want a maid and bring nothing but misery. Funnily enough when he started having the kids on his own he soon learnt how tough it was and began telling me how much respect he had for me. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Eww throw the woman hater in the bin.

That's awful!

Get rid of him and hire a cleaner to help you.

Wow. That message is far deeper than the usual and just as wrong, ‘you’re not working you can do it’. I’d tell him I want a real man and start getting my ducks in a row.