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Original poster

DP giving me sore head with his rants

101 replies

italiansummer1 · 12/09/2025 11:19

On holiday with DP and away from usual stresses. He seems to go on and on whenever I say something he doesn't like and it's very noticeable when we are away on holiday without other stresses. It just turns into a rant when I make a passing comment and I'll then have to apologise and ask him to stop as he's giving me a sore head. I'll give a few examples of interactions just in the past day

  • we went to go for a takeaway coffee and our usual shop was closed. Across the street was a takeaway place with smoothies, frappes and also said coffee. I said let's just go over there. It turned into a 10 mins rant of the fact they don't do coffee it's all ice creams, is a frappe the same as a coffee etc. We then walk around for ages and decide not to get a coffee as he didn't just want any old coffee.
  • we were having a chat about friends dogs and I made a passing comment that the dog would be sleeping in my bed if it were just me on my own. Turned into a 10 mins rant how I will ruin my dogs behaviour and be a terrible owner and I have no discipline over our dog - basically berating me for saying it.

I know these are really stupid examples but I feel like I need to watch everything that comes out my mouth or I'll be subject to a rant or put down. This is a daily occurrence. How would you respond to this other than just not bloody speaking at all?

OP posts:
MorrisseysMisery · 12/09/2025 20:28

OP is my DP..... your DP too?
My DP loves to go on an unbridled rant, it's been nearly 20 years now.
I recently had to be rather firm and tell him enough was quite enough.
He was ranting about his friends controlling relationship and I told him it was absolutely none of his or my business to be discussed and opined upon.
I now just give "The Look" especially in public.

AmyDuPlantier · 12/09/2025 21:11

Well I responded by becoming slowly a lesser version of myself because even the smallest things became subjects to moan about; Starbucks is expensive and sells stupid drinks and the service is rubbish and….it just sucked the joy out of the day.

Went for lunch today with my new lovely kind positive happy partner and it was so simple and lovely and fun; that’s basically how I responded.

Laurmolonlabe · 13/09/2025 18:05

I think your DP is under huge stress at work- my partner got like this when his work blew up- ask him about how it is going and look into getting him some help- my response was to start nagging him to take early retirement, he resisted for 3 years but has been brilliant since he retired.

Festivespirit85 · 13/09/2025 18:08

When he does it again say "Oh will you STFU! You may like the sound of your own voice and negativity but I don't!" Then walk away. If he sulks leave him to it.

ShortAndIntense · 13/09/2025 18:26

He sounds like Angry Frank from that old show Harry Enfield and Friends. That character goes on rants about hypothetical things that haven’t even happened. The example you gave about the dog made me think of this.
It’s totally not fair he’s treating you that way.

MaddestGranny · 13/09/2025 18:27

I consider whether he's somewhere on the autism spectrum.

Not that that means you should put up with his behaviour.
Reassess your life, OP. You may need to walk.

Miaminmoo · 13/09/2025 19:02

Have you tried just telling him to Fuck Off?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/09/2025 19:16

italiansummer1 · 12/09/2025 11:37

Yep I have told him and how it's making me feel that I have to watch what I say but he just shut ignored and then did the same again the next day. Good idea about the headphones and just walking away as might get the message through to him

Show quote history

Switch record on your iphone next time he does it and play it back to him when he starts denying it.

MoominMai · 13/09/2025 19:21

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/09/2025 11:24

I would not be able to stay with someone like that

Nope. My ex became like this after a year of fake good behaviour. Anything I said he had to have the opposing view which I don’t mind as it can result interesting conversation and maybe one of us learn something. But he was just always in rant mode and would get in a mood if I dared reply with an observation or fact that challenged his logic. I like to use my brain and have challenging conversations but he had a real aversion to it and I’ll be honest even though he was a handsome fun guy other times - every time this happened it gave me the ick and made me feel disrespected and I just could t see beyond it once it happened a couple of times and didn’t want this to be my future so off I went.

Twinkylightsg · 13/09/2025 19:25

I'd prob say calm down don't get your tits in a twist it ain't the end of the world type comment everytime which I do to my OH if he tries to start a rant and I'm tired. Not that he would ever rant for 5min let alone 10.

Treviarpelli · 13/09/2025 19:57

smashinghope · 12/09/2025 12:00

OP i had this, well something similar - DP was always angry, not in an abusive way just always uptight.

I put up with it fir years and it was grinding me down to the point i felt like a former shadow of myself with him.

One night i spoke to him, i calmly told him how deeply unhappy i was, i told him how it makes me feel, how anxious i had become and how ultimately i was so over him,, and how he behaved that i couldn't see a way forward.

I think it gave him the shock of his life, he agreed, said it was 100% his fault and he would change and make an effort, he reassured me how much he loved me.

From that day its been a complete turn around, god i look back and dont even know how i done it.

We both made a change that day and we have went from strength to strength.

Gosh, I’ve literally had a similar conversation about two weeks ago, so far so good but it is early days. We’ve been married almost 3 decades but I seem to have found my backbone and am pushing back against him more than I ever have as I have had enough

Kelamo · 13/09/2025 20:30

leave him!

k8jr · 13/09/2025 20:34

I think it's concerning you feel you have to censor yourself.
Do you feel like he just likes to have a moan or is he being deliberately condescending and rude to you? You used the term berating, which is not the way a partner should be speaking to you. 🚩
He sounds like a know it all, and that would grate on me.
Is this a recent change in behaviour or has he always been so negative? Have you had a proper conversation with him about it?

fetchacloth · 13/09/2025 20:52

I used to be married to someone like that and it totally did my head in.
He would have had an argument with a sat nav if he could 🙄

Cherrysoup · 13/09/2025 20:56

Is he a long term partner? I just couldn’t tolerate this. Is he training you to shut up?

Sadworld23 · 13/09/2025 21:32

How old is DH? My DH started like this and few years ago, now approaching aged 60 I wonder if he has a form of dementia called FTD. And I know to not really comment on anything, just agree and maybe add, oh yes there's alot of that, or yes you see it all the time etc.
Oh and it's exhausting listening to the rants, I actually self harm to avoid chipping in.

FinallyHere · 13/09/2025 21:35

Another vote for walking, rather than staying to hear his tedious rants.

illfittingtrousers · 13/09/2025 21:51

Short term, I would just take the piss every time and have a few one-liners ready. Like

”alright Gary, you’ve made your point, I don’t need a podcast about it”

or

”do I need tickets for this performance, or…?”

or

“mm, yeah, that’s all really valid and interesting”

or

”cool story bro”

but, really, long term, just get rid.

ImGoneUnderground · 13/09/2025 22:23

smashinghope · 12/09/2025 12:00

OP i had this, well something similar - DP was always angry, not in an abusive way just always uptight.

I put up with it fir years and it was grinding me down to the point i felt like a former shadow of myself with him.

One night i spoke to him, i calmly told him how deeply unhappy i was, i told him how it makes me feel, how anxious i had become and how ultimately i was so over him,, and how he behaved that i couldn't see a way forward.

I think it gave him the shock of his life, he agreed, said it was 100% his fault and he would change and make an effort, he reassured me how much he loved me.

From that day its been a complete turn around, god i look back and dont even know how i done it.

We both made a change that day and we have went from strength to strength.

Great answer, the weird 'rants' about a possible future imaginary dog, & having 'proper coffee & frappes' is surely a big issue (as its really such a small issue), it would have probably made me do a U turn & not look back - but if you believe you have a future together, then this is surely worth a try.... speak about it when calm (not mid rant), or even write it all down (or eg show him this thread) - if he still doesn't see where you are coming from, then I would take the 'life is too short for this crap' approach, & throw this one back? Good luck 🌹

Isinglass20 · 13/09/2025 23:20

Or say every time ‘whatever’ and walk away. And then make that permanent.

SiameseBlueEyes · 14/09/2025 02:40

Why aren't you divorcing him? It sounds exhausting and unpleasant. I think life can be hard and your spouse should "have your back" but it sounds like the worst bit of your life is this ranting horror.

Skybluepinky · 14/09/2025 08:32

Kick him to the kerb and move on.

Dimdam · 14/09/2025 09:32

Nope, wouldn’t put up with it just as I won’t put up with nagging. You want peace in your life and someone to enhance it not drag you down.

He sounds unhappy deep down and he’s taking it out on you by being passive- aggressive, life is too short to be dealing with people like that

Skodacool · 14/09/2025 10:32

I certainly wouldn’t be apologising to him. You have every right to express a view; he’s the one who should apologise for being abusive.

Woompund · 14/09/2025 10:34

Why are you still with him? Why are you putting up with this shit?

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