DP giving me sore head with his rants

[italiansummer1]

On holiday with DP and away from usual stresses. He seems to go on and on whenever I say something he doesn't like and it's very noticeable when we are away on holiday without other stresses. It just turns into a rant when I make a passing comment and I'll then have to apologise and ask him to stop as he's giving me a sore head. I'll give a few examples of interactions just in the past day

• we went to go for a takeaway coffee and our usual shop was closed. Across the street was a takeaway place with smoothies, frappes and also said coffee. I said let's just go over there. It turned into a 10 mins rant of the fact they don't do coffee it's all ice creams, is a frappe the same as a coffee etc. We then walk around for ages and decide not to get a coffee as he didn't just want any old coffee.
• we were having a chat about friends dogs and I made a passing comment that the dog would be sleeping in my bed if it were just me on my own. Turned into a 10 mins rant how I will ruin my dogs behaviour and be a terrible owner and I have no discipline over our dog - basically berating me for saying it.

I know these are really stupid examples but I feel like I need to watch everything that comes out my mouth or I'll be subject to a rant or put down. This is a daily occurrence. How would you respond to this other than just not bloody speaking at all?

OP i had this, well something similar - DP was always angry, not in an abusive way just always uptight.

I put up with it fir years and it was grinding me down to the point i felt like a former shadow of myself with him.

One night i spoke to him, i calmly told him how deeply unhappy i was, i told him how it makes me feel, how anxious i had become and how ultimately i was so over him,, and how he behaved that i couldn't see a way forward.

I think it gave him the shock of his life, he agreed, said it was 100% his fault and he would change and make an effort, he reassured me how much he loved me.

From that day its been a complete turn around, god i look back and dont even know how i done it.

We both made a change that day and we have went from strength to strength.

Have you been together long? Also, had he always been like this or is it a change in personality/behaviour?How old is he?

If it's a change, I'd be worried about dementia or a brain tumour and be recommending a visit to the GP.

If he's always been like this then I think it's time to let him know how awful it is to be around him when he is behaving like this and if it doesn't change, he'll be single.

As OPs have suggested, when he stats on a rant, just remove yourself from his vicinity. He'll soon get the message, or he won't and then he doesn't get you to rant at.

Good luck, OP.

That sounds exhausting, you have the patience of a saint. I’d start a fight to end up not speaking and get a few hours of peace away from him. Awful.

Excellent advice!! I live with a ranter and I tell him straight away that if he's going to rant about something he already ranted about it's no. If he wants to rant about something else I have got 20 sec then he's on his own. He finds me rude and uncaring for not wanting to listen to him but I just tell him that I'm here for him if he needs emotional support for real issues but I'm not going to let him agress my ears for nothing. That's when I put my podcast into my ears and turn up the volume.

I think with some people it can just be a bad habit. They enjoy ranting. My DH does, increasingly as he gets older.

I wouldn't write the relationship off just yet. You've told him (once?) that this sort of behaviour annoys you. Keep telling him. Tell him more firmly. Use consequences such as spending the following day away from him, being very clear that it's because he's driving you round the bend with his rants.

It isn't acceptable behaviour. You need to find out whether he cares enough about you to change it. My DH has toned it down quite a lot since I made it clear I wasn't going to tolerate it.

How bad is he at home?

Next time just walk over to the other coffee place while he’s ranting and just say ‘well I’m getting a drink’ or whatever the situation is. You don’t need his permission.

in all other situations just walk away from him or start looking at your phone.
If he thinks it’s rude, so what. He’s having a go at you over ridiculous tho gs, including how you treat an imaginary dog you don’t own. You don’t need to put up with that.

Just yawn really big and loudly, then walk away.
And don't go back.

My DH has the occasional Basil Fawlty moment and I've just learnt to tune it out. It did, when he was severely depressed, turn into an almost 24 hour thing - but he was ill and that was part of how it manifested itself - I developed a bubble wrap around me metaphorically.

But if it's not just occasional, and he's not ill and getting treatment - I'm struggling to see why you are still with him.

It will be having an effect on you.

He sounds like an utter loser - are you going to spend the rest of your life learning how to put up with this shit?

Why are you with this twat?

I wouldn’t put up with that.

Just being with your partner isn’t supposed to be this hard or this miserable.

If you’re always treading on eggshells, watching everything you say, and are never able to just have a nice time and a normal conversation with him, what on earth is the point?

Everyone enjoys a rant every now and then and YMMV but if it’s directed at you personally I’d consider it abusive.

Any of us can fall into shitty behaviour without noticing, but how he reacts after you mention it to him will tell you what you need to know, really.

It is him that needs to change not you.
If he will not be more sociable and kind to you or other people. Maybe you consider putting him Off-Hire.
Next!

Sounds like you’ve reached the point I got to with my ex. I realised every time I spoke it started him off on an argument. I stopped bothering to speak unless I had to as a sort of survival skill - but that turned into an argument about me never talking. It only got worse.

Seriously, get a dog, let it sleep on the bed (mine do, perfectly well-trained) and it's very pleasant and warm.

Lose him somewhere...

Honestly on both occasions I would have told him to shut up and piss off if he was going to berate me like a child. He sounds like a nasty bully and you sound a bit spineless ((re the coffee) why an are you apologising for just making a helpful suggestion?). Headphones/ walking away is all very well but sometimes you just need to give as good as you get if you want someone to respect you.

Urgh, why are you putting up with this? Just leave!

I would dump him.

This is so clever. Mother bear wants to bake arctic panda a celebration cake.

I would be going with the dog option.

Have a read about how to Grey Rock.

How would I respond? I would tell him to STFU and walk off and if he carried on doing it I would dump him.

Life's too short for this crap. You deserve better.

Ugh, get rid. Life is too short for this nonsense. Do not marry him or have kids with him.