Do you think it’s unfair to send one child to a private school or an expensive extracurricular activity while not offering the same to the other?

[lolstevelol]

This has come up in family debates over the years, where the eldest child is sent to a private school or given the opportunity to do an expensive extracurricular activity, such as karting, but there isn’t enough money left to offer the same to the younger siblings

School - yes very unfair
Activities - I think that depends on if what each child wants to do. My eldest does karting. His sibling is 4 years younger so not yet into any hobbies but when the time comes, we will do everything to afford her the equal opportunity her older DS had. We spoke about it before we even started DS karting.

I think it’s unfair, but I know a lot of families that do it. Examples being one passed the 11+ and one didn’t so the one that didn’t went to private school. Or one child wasn’t progressing well at state school so that one went to a private school.

Yes it’s unfair, and I know quite a few families where this caused massive long-term resentment despite there always being ‘reasons’ for the unequal treatment.

My niece goes to private school and her brother goes to state. The difference is that nephew is at a good state boys school which caters to his hobby. My nieces only school option is the state version of St Trinians and she was bullied and her mental health was suffering. Sis and bil moved her to a private school. They offered my nephew too but he refused.

It has worked out fine as he is off to Harvard via his sport/hobby pretty much all expenses and tuition paid. He wouldn’t have had that opportunity at a different school.

As someone who went to state school with a brother who went to private school, I honestly can't understand all the "unfair" and "life-long resentment" comments.

Surely it's only unfair if both kids WANT to go private and the parents' circumstances are exactly the same?

Otherwise it's just silly hyperbole. I liked my state school, came out with top grades, went to similar RG uni as my brother. Why would I have any resentment about my parents' financial circumstances changing?

Yes, I agree with that. This isn’t that situation though and that’s what I’m replying to.

Yes. I don’t understand why any parent would do that.

I spend different amounts on all of my children. Treating them fairly doesn’t mean spending the same amount of money on them.

I think there’s an awful lot of nuance in most decision making. My children have very different needs and wants and we do our best to meet all of the first and a relatively decent amount of the second. Our daughter is more expensive as she’s a dancer and all her classes are pricey. My son does football and taekwando - much more budget friendly but a huge investment of our time as he has to get driven to everything. My daughter loves the theatre and musicals and such so I take her to loads as I love it too. My son would rather stay home and watch Star Wars with my husband - he’s again cheaper but isn’t getting any less of our time and he doesn’t want to go to the musical anyway.

So yes our children have different amounts of money from us but that’s not really the whole story or a fair assessment of how much we love or take care of them.

With the go-karting thing, each child should get the same amount of opportunities, but they don't have to be exactly the same options as people are different.

If the first sibling tried football and loved it, then the second should also get the chance to try football but shouldn't be forced to keep attending if it isn't their thing just because the older has a strong preference/already goes so it is easier for lifts, they should get to go to a different hobby of similar time & money value if they prefer.

That is a good point @PurpleThistle7 DS loves watching sport and we decorate and did up a room with tv reclinable sofa etc and he watches a lot in there with DH.

then DD and I go out to the theatre, sometimes for lunch/dinner or too the shops. He had an initial investment then she is getting money spent on trips

No because hobbies are based on interests. My DD has two expensive hobbies, my son has one and they both have a few cheap ones. As long as the opportunity is there so the other knows that should they also want to do something they could that's fine. Having one expensive hobby and saying no to the other child isn't fair.