Page 3 | Do you think it’s unfair to send one child to a private school or an expensive extracurricular activity while not offering the same to the other?

Fabrikick · 12/09/2025 08:30

Mommyfor4 · 12/09/2025 08:26

I can't understand how anyone can even ask such an immoral question?!!?? CHILDREN WILL ALWAYS BE TREATED EQUALLY!!! It should go without saying! I know that unfortunately this is not always the case. It makes me both sad and angry.

We have 4 children, 3 of whom are biologically ours. In addition, social welfare has placed a child with us who was 6 months old at the time. Even though he is not biologically ours, we ALL still consider him as our own. Our own children always introduce him as their brother. Our biological children are all adults now. Yet, for example, at Christmas, birthdays, etc., we have always made sure THAT EVERYONE RECEIVES A GIFT OF BROADLY EQUAL VALUE, also placed with us, (now 8 years old) which we consider as our own. I couldn't think of giving him less because he is not biologically mine.

Mother's love is not tied to biology. The unequal treatment of children leaves deep scars on a child!!! It should be banned!

Treating children equally doesnt always mean the same though. It should for 'fun' stuff, but if children have additonal needs etc then sometimes by spending money on support, education etc actually gives them a more equal chance at life.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 12/09/2025 08:33

Very much depends on the circumstances. I was bullied really badly at school and had severe depression. My parents scraped together the money to send me to a small private school for the last two years to get me out of a really bad situation. My sister did not have the same problems and was fine all the way through state school.

herbalteabag · 12/09/2025 08:35

KpopDemon · 12/09/2025 06:33

We have an inverted situation - dc1 is academically gifted and goes to an excellent all-girls state secondary where she is aiming for 9s at GCSE (and likely to get a good clutch of 8s and 9s in reality). We could not have afforded to send her to a private school at the time she needed to apply and why would we, when she has a fabulous free education on our doorstep? We boost her with extra curriculars, nice vacations, private dental work etc. So she is living a very good life.

Ds2 came along later after an age gap and an upturn in our family finances. Ds2 is not academically inclined and there are no great options for mixed/boys’ secondary school locally. We could now afford private school for him.

It was actually my dd who said that her db will need to go to private secondary if he is to have any chance of a good education. We are considering it. We know it isn’t “fair” but nothing in life is fair. We give dd a very good life and we will subsidise her at uni, buy her first car, give her a chunk of cash for her house deposit. Over the years we will make it up to her perhaps not exactly same in £££ but definitely in support and guidance too. I am trying to decide: Will ds2 appreciate us sinking “his” money into his education? Once it’s spent there won’t be as much left to help for, for example, set up in a trade or start a business.Or should we accept he’s going a non-academic route in life and throw our cash into investments so he has those to fall back on in adult life?

I don’t want to create reasons for one sibling to resent another. It’s a hard choice and we would have to be very mindful of the risk dc1 becomes bitter about it when she realises that part of her own inheritance will be spent on her db, in effect. But then again it’s our money and our choice how we invest and spend our money.

I’m still very torn because I know it’s unfair but the reason for it are based in logic.

I also have a large age gap and had a situation where eldest kept insisting youngest should go to private school to do as well as possible. Eldest did well at uni but had mediocre GCSEs and decided his sibling should have the best chance possible.
We didn't go for it because youngest didn't want to and was adamant he wanted to be with his friends, but eldest didn't view it as unfair at all.

stichguru · 12/09/2025 08:37

Are you meeting all your children's needs to the same level? If you are you are being fair. You wouldn't deny a child medical treatment because their sibling didn't need that treatment, or refuse to buy a child say gluten free food, because it's more expensive than the gluten alternatives that you buy their sibling. If one child's needs are being well met in state school, and the other child's aren't, then sending one child to private and not the other is fair.

TheaBrandt1 · 12/09/2025 08:38

Exactly three. That’s the situation for the families I know. Younger Dd diabetic and struggling with mean girls older super healthy with great friends and teachers at state. No way did the older resent the younger going to private school.

It’s quite childish and binary to insist “all equal all the time”. Life isn’t like that. It’s not like doling out treats to toddlers when all has to be equal it’s more nuanced.

Mydoglovescheese · 12/09/2025 08:45

As a teenager I’d asked for music lessons for years but my parents couldn’t afford it, so refused. My DSis is 5 years younger than me and when she wanted lessons our parents were in a better situation financially so she had lessons. For a long time I was resentful but then somebody asked me if it would have been fair for my DSis not to have lessons just because I couldn’t.

I think you need to weigh up the reasons why you would like to give the DC different opportunities and be prepared to explain it to them when they are old enough to understand. However, there is likely to be major resentment issues to deal with.

PS. It turned out OK, I found a way to learn as an adult and now we can both play.

BananaPeels · 12/09/2025 08:48

Mydoglovescheese · 12/09/2025 08:45

As a teenager I’d asked for music lessons for years but my parents couldn’t afford it, so refused. My DSis is 5 years younger than me and when she wanted lessons our parents were in a better situation financially so she had lessons. For a long time I was resentful but then somebody asked me if it would have been fair for my DSis not to have lessons just because I couldn’t.

I think you need to weigh up the reasons why you would like to give the DC different opportunities and be prepared to explain it to them when they are old enough to understand. However, there is likely to be major resentment issues to deal with.

PS. It turned out OK, I found a way to learn as an adult and now we can both play.

Honestly if I were your parents I would have proactively sat down and explained this to you. I would also have costed up the full cost of the lessons your sister is going to get and gave you the money. It is then yours if you want to take lessons now as you are older or invest it in something else but it recognises that you missed out.

Chompingatthebeat · 12/09/2025 08:48

Lafufufu · 12/09/2025 06:36

You really shouldn't be.

My parents raised me and my siblings with several principles but one we heard a lot was "fair doesnt mean equal"
As children we eyeballed but its true.

I find this modern parenting insistence everything he precisely equal so babyish.
When my kids share snacks the baby discreetly always gets the bigger half /portion because hes underweight.

This and your situation are both excellent examples of fair doesnt mean equal.

Edited

Show quote history

Does that apply to inheritance as well

Mugfills · 12/09/2025 08:48

I've never seen it happen the way you describe. IME where one child was privately educated and other not it was either because one child passed the 11+, so private education was deemed necessary or because finances changed so private education (or extra curricular activities) became possible for younger children where it wasn't for older ones.

I can't imagine deliberately setting out to create such and imbalance.

Sharptonguedwoman · 12/09/2025 08:56

MyLimeGuide · 12/09/2025 07:11

Absolutely YES unfair.

Well….. I went to a good grammar school, my brother had all sorts of challenges my parents struggled to meet (1970s, things were different). Went to a state secondary, truanted, parents in desperation moved him to a local private school to try to help him. The reason being the private school would at least ring them if he walked out. Not everything can be fair and equal.

Cinaferna · 12/09/2025 08:59

KpopDemon · 12/09/2025 06:33

We have an inverted situation - dc1 is academically gifted and goes to an excellent all-girls state secondary where she is aiming for 9s at GCSE (and likely to get a good clutch of 8s and 9s in reality). We could not have afforded to send her to a private school at the time she needed to apply and why would we, when she has a fabulous free education on our doorstep? We boost her with extra curriculars, nice vacations, private dental work etc. So she is living a very good life.

Ds2 came along later after an age gap and an upturn in our family finances. Ds2 is not academically inclined and there are no great options for mixed/boys’ secondary school locally. We could now afford private school for him.

It was actually my dd who said that her db will need to go to private secondary if he is to have any chance of a good education. We are considering it. We know it isn’t “fair” but nothing in life is fair. We give dd a very good life and we will subsidise her at uni, buy her first car, give her a chunk of cash for her house deposit. Over the years we will make it up to her perhaps not exactly same in £££ but definitely in support and guidance too. I am trying to decide: Will ds2 appreciate us sinking “his” money into his education? Once it’s spent there won’t be as much left to help for, for example, set up in a trade or start a business.Or should we accept he’s going a non-academic route in life and throw our cash into investments so he has those to fall back on in adult life?

I don’t want to create reasons for one sibling to resent another. It’s a hard choice and we would have to be very mindful of the risk dc1 becomes bitter about it when she realises that part of her own inheritance will be spent on her db, in effect. But then again it’s our money and our choice how we invest and spend our money.

I’m still very torn because I know it’s unfair but the reason for it are based in logic.

In that situation, I'd hesitate. If he's not super academic, he may be better off at a local state school, with tutors in core subjects, and set the money aside for helping him launch into adult life - driving lessons, car, apprenticeship, flat deposit etc. You could spend hundreds of thousands and he'd still get a handful of average GCSEs and have no interest in 6th form if he just isn't academic. He might even feel bad if everyone around him is achieving and he's constantly bottom of the class, whereas in a state school, he might be more in the middle.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 12/09/2025 08:59

KpopDemon · 12/09/2025 06:33

We have an inverted situation - dc1 is academically gifted and goes to an excellent all-girls state secondary where she is aiming for 9s at GCSE (and likely to get a good clutch of 8s and 9s in reality). We could not have afforded to send her to a private school at the time she needed to apply and why would we, when she has a fabulous free education on our doorstep? We boost her with extra curriculars, nice vacations, private dental work etc. So she is living a very good life.

Ds2 came along later after an age gap and an upturn in our family finances. Ds2 is not academically inclined and there are no great options for mixed/boys’ secondary school locally. We could now afford private school for him.

It was actually my dd who said that her db will need to go to private secondary if he is to have any chance of a good education. We are considering it. We know it isn’t “fair” but nothing in life is fair. We give dd a very good life and we will subsidise her at uni, buy her first car, give her a chunk of cash for her house deposit. Over the years we will make it up to her perhaps not exactly same in £££ but definitely in support and guidance too. I am trying to decide: Will ds2 appreciate us sinking “his” money into his education? Once it’s spent there won’t be as much left to help for, for example, set up in a trade or start a business.Or should we accept he’s going a non-academic route in life and throw our cash into investments so he has those to fall back on in adult life?

I don’t want to create reasons for one sibling to resent another. It’s a hard choice and we would have to be very mindful of the risk dc1 becomes bitter about it when she realises that part of her own inheritance will be spent on her db, in effect. But then again it’s our money and our choice how we invest and spend our money.

I’m still very torn because I know it’s unfair but the reason for it are based in logic.

If your son isn't all that 'academic' and you think he might be better off pursuing a 'trade' rather than university, why waste any money at all on a private school for him?

They don't neessarily provide a better level of education (and don't even have to hire properly qualified teachers!) and it seems unlikely that they'll be well set up to encourage/ motivate someone to become eg a plumber, rather than focussing on A level results/ their position in some school league table.

Surely you'd be better off exploring what kinds of career your ds is actually interested in, and look for ways for him to get work experience/ make contacts in that direction? if you feel rich enough to invest £ in it, then buying him a van and tools in the future might be much more useful...

cd

Tiswa · 12/09/2025 09:05

OwlBeThere · 12/09/2025 06:38

Yes. I do. Not offering all your kids the same advantages is baffling to me. Unless it’s an unforeseen loss of income or similar.

Because sometimes offering your children the same advantages in life is choosing different things for them.

the worse thing you can do for you children is treat them as a homogeneous lump rather than individual with individual needs.

education/extra curricular what works for one won’t work for the other

if the decision is made just because it’s the eldest or favouritism that is wrong.

looking at the needs of an individual and deciding what is the best for them

Lafufufu · 12/09/2025 09:10

Chompingatthebeat · 12/09/2025 08:48

Does that apply to inheritance as well

Show quote history

Controversially I think yes.
There are obviously cases where its brutally wrong and one child is heavily favoured but in most cases life is much more messy and nuanced.

For myself... I can see the very clear wealth gap between myself and youngest sibling who is 8 yrs younger.
If they were left a larger inheritance by my parents and it was discussed ahead of time i'm not sure I'd be particularly salty...I'd want to see them fed and housed.

And Fwiw you can break your back go be fair and still be 'wrong'.

We all went to private schools to "be fair". It was financially VERY hard for my mother. The older kids inc myself had 50-90% scholarships and were girls.... youngest had zero scholarship and was a boy (costs more vs girls)
His education actually cost about 8x what mine cost YET youngest sibling has bitched for over a decade that they didnt have the same opportunities as I went to a better school (they were sat for 8 schools and failed the exams for all but 1 so...)

My mother herself will even admit although she aimed for parity the youngest got more resources (time, attention and money). All siblings bar youngest would say we were treated fairly - youngest firmly believes i am "the favorite" and they were hard done to 🤷🏻‍♀️
Bizarrely I still wouldnt begrudge him a larger share but... My poor mother 😅

usedtobeaylis · 12/09/2025 09:15

Not inherently. My brother went to a private school, I went to a state school - I didn't want to go to a private school in a million years. He was on a scholarship anyway, which I would never have won (I did sit the exam to shut my dad up and was offered an assisted place which we couldn't afford much to my relief) but it still sucked up scarce finances for uniforms etc. Activity wise none of us got to do any so there was no imbalance there. It really depends on the set up, how the children feel, if something is at the expense of someone else.

usedtobeaylis · 12/09/2025 09:17

Chompingatthebeat · 12/09/2025 08:48

Does that apply to inheritance as well

Show quote history

I will never understand people quibbling about entitlements to someone else's money

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 12/09/2025 09:20

verycloakanddaggers · 12/09/2025 06:22

It depends on why, sometimes a different school environment is necessary for a child to thrive, in those situations the whole family would benefit from one child getting more support.

Sometimes one child has a genuine interest in something that costs more.

If it is just favouritism then that's a different matter.

There's an important distinction between equity and equality.

This.

One of my DC is at a private school (that unofficially caters to SEN) because they weren't coping at state.

My other dc wouldn't like it there and is happy at their state school.

If they weren't I'm not sure what we'd do. We couldn't afford to send both.

BananaPeels · 12/09/2025 09:20

usedtobeaylis · 12/09/2025 09:17

I will never understand people quibbling about entitlements to someone else's money

Show quote history

I will never understand people quibbling about entitlements to someone else’s time, attention, fairness and love. you should be grateful your parents simply gave you life. Anything else is just a bonus.

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 12/09/2025 09:22

If it's because of money, then yes.
I did know of a case where only one went because that school was the perfect match for one child (smaller classes and extra help), but the science opportunities offered at the local state school were better for child 2. Child 2 could have gone to the private, but didn't want to, and thrived in the state, with the provisions which were better suited to his interests and talents.

CasualDayHasGoneTooFar · 12/09/2025 09:23

@lolstevelol What do you think?

ThisCyanPoet · 12/09/2025 09:27

My aunt was given these opportunities as a child and my dad was told they couldn’t afford to do the same for him, not even one single extra curricular club. He found it hurtful and resents not only his parents, but his sister for it.

She never did anything with those opportunities. He has a successful career and always stood on his own two feet, whilst she can’t even hold down entry level jobs and still relies on them to fund her life.

She got everything as a child and all the attention as an adult. Now they are older, they look to him to look after them and her! I couldn’t do that to my kids, it doesnt just affect their childhood, but it would likely stay with them for life.

StrawberrySquash · 12/09/2025 09:27

Circumstances change so you might assume you'll have enough cash, but by the time they hit school age it's not possible. And I wouldn't necessarily want to move the older one.

Also kids are different and I knew a family where the eldest wouldn't have coped in a normal state school, youngest was fine. So the eldest went private. Lots of people send their children to different schools because that's the right school for that child.

Scottishskifun · 12/09/2025 09:28

I think this very much depends on the circumstances and reasons behind it and its too much of a loaded question without examining finer detail.

If a child was struggling with state school system, refusing or failing for whatever reason and there was the opportunity to send one to private school which was a setting that was suitable for them to ensure they didn't fail/drop out completely then yes I would do it in a heartbeat.

But I would also ensure the other child was supported and do my best to equal it out at a later stage.

What's fair and equal isn't always the same thing and is dependent on need.

I've had friends send 1 to private school because of ND and the other remaining in state school and actually other then a slight annoyance in the amount of holiday its worked out the best for both children.

dontcomeatme · 12/09/2025 09:29

KpopDemon · 12/09/2025 06:33

We have an inverted situation - dc1 is academically gifted and goes to an excellent all-girls state secondary where she is aiming for 9s at GCSE (and likely to get a good clutch of 8s and 9s in reality). We could not have afforded to send her to a private school at the time she needed to apply and why would we, when she has a fabulous free education on our doorstep? We boost her with extra curriculars, nice vacations, private dental work etc. So she is living a very good life.

Ds2 came along later after an age gap and an upturn in our family finances. Ds2 is not academically inclined and there are no great options for mixed/boys’ secondary school locally. We could now afford private school for him.

It was actually my dd who said that her db will need to go to private secondary if he is to have any chance of a good education. We are considering it. We know it isn’t “fair” but nothing in life is fair. We give dd a very good life and we will subsidise her at uni, buy her first car, give her a chunk of cash for her house deposit. Over the years we will make it up to her perhaps not exactly same in £££ but definitely in support and guidance too. I am trying to decide: Will ds2 appreciate us sinking “his” money into his education? Once it’s spent there won’t be as much left to help for, for example, set up in a trade or start a business.Or should we accept he’s going a non-academic route in life and throw our cash into investments so he has those to fall back on in adult life?

I don’t want to create reasons for one sibling to resent another. It’s a hard choice and we would have to be very mindful of the risk dc1 becomes bitter about it when she realises that part of her own inheritance will be spent on her db, in effect. But then again it’s our money and our choice how we invest and spend our money.

I’m still very torn because I know it’s unfair but the reason for it are based in logic.

Agree with this 100%. Equity over equality.
My parents had a similar situation, me and my DB were born while my dad was still an apprentice, then 10 years later they had our DSIS and their finances were ridiculously better. Has she been given more in life? Absolutely. But we don't begrudge her that or feel resentful. It's life 🤷🏻‍♀️

OneAmusedShark · 12/09/2025 09:29

Depends on the child.

If you have one child that is flourishing in a state school and another that is
struggling either because they can’t keep
up or are getting bored because they’re too bright, I don’t see the problem
with sending the second child to a private school if you can afford it (speaking as someone who can’t!) in order to ensure they reach their potential.