Do you think it’s unfair to send one child to a private school or an expensive extracurricular activity while not offering the same to the other?

[lolstevelol]

This has come up in family debates over the years, where the eldest child is sent to a private school or given the opportunity to do an expensive extracurricular activity, such as karting, but there isn’t enough money left to offer the same to the younger siblings

It could be a scenario like this…..

My friend has two DDs. The eldest got into grammar school, the youngest didn't. The local state comp doesn't have a good reputation. So it's not possible to treat them equally. The eldest goes to the excellent grammar school and the youngest goes to either the mediocre comprehensive or the expensive private school.

What is the fair answer here?

@KpopDemon I was your eldest DD (sort of - my state school was rubbish but I was academic so still got all A's and A*'s). My brother was being horrendously bullied in state and my parents could only afford 1 of us to go, I had absolutely no issue with the money being spent on him, I didn't need it, he did - end of story.

Although my parents didn't take that as his 'share' - we both, quite rightly, got equal support with driving lessons, uni costs etc. Its not your DS's fault that there isn't a decent boys school nearby, and your DD didn't make her excellent school happen - unless it's a grammer and she worked exceptionally hard to get in? So should he be 'penalised' for money spent by you to give him an education equal to his sisters?

Also, education doesn't always predict future outcomes, at least 80% is intrinsic - a bright and motivated child will do well anywhere they are happy. My brother, equally bright but far less motivated got much worse grades at private than I got at a failing state, and earns much less now than me. This is a conversation for your DS - where does he see himself at 20, 30 etc, and what support to get there.

If it's any consolation, this is exactly what happened with me and my sibling. 8 year age gap, family in better financial situation by the time sibling was coming up to secondary. I did really well at a mixed state school and got into a good uni, sibling was starting to struggle with focus at state primary and didn't get into any of the good state comps nearby, so our parents decided to put them into private. They went on to achieve excellent grades at GCSE and A Level, as well as a first at university.

I've not been jealous or upset at any point as I think our parents' reasoning made sense, and I've not lost out on anything. Sibling needed the extra boost at school age, I didn't. Also, as you are saying you'll do, our parents have tried to "make up for it" by covering some of my milestone expenses as a young adult even though I never expected them to "balance the spend out" because I didn't feel like anything was unfair. But it made them feel better to be what they thought of as fair to both children.

Edited to add that my sibling also got financial support from our parents towards a house purchase but they felt it evened out because sibling moved away from the South East so had a much, much cheaper first time purchase. As far as I'm aware, sibling doesn't resent parents for getting a "smaller share" of deposit contributions, they are quite level headed (probably thanks to the good private school they went to?!) and appreciate that any contribution was given at all.

Similarly, my DH's parents have recently insisted on giving DH a lump sum. They contributed to our first property purchase about 8 years ago as well as DH's sister's first purchase recently. But at the time we bought vs when DH's sister bought, they were more financially stable, so it seems they felt bad about how "little" they contributed to DH. DH argued that they didn't need to (I agree with him) because any help was appreciated back then and we are l ourselves are more financially stable because of where our careers are now and the fact that we are in our 30s, but they still insisted for "fairness."

Yes, of course, under normal circumstances, however if one DC was gifted academically and go karting was a school activity, then I would send them.
I would do everything in my power to support the other one by other means.

I think all kids should be considered equally and then allowed what can be afforded within reason to meet their needs. I am the eldest of 6, I did alot of dance as a child/young adult and it was expensive. My sister was into art and photography, younger sister also did alot of dance but also piano. Brother was v computer literate even back in the day and was afforded IT stuff that helped him progress with things related to that, including gaming but also did piano. Another brother was capable but struggling with school and transferred to private for 6th form(with some bursary) youngest at one point was at boarding school (again with some bursary) and heavily into a particular sport (related to school hence to that school) the three youngest had many a ski holiday and trips with school - the older ones didn't. The younger ones had more financial support at Uni. But the older ones got more state support. We all came out with hobbies and and an education.

Opportunity can vary and support can vary and it doesn't really need to be even handed financially, although opportunity should be (it isn't always provided by ££)

You don't need to spend the same amount of money on your children or in order to be 'fair' but what you have described suggests that the parents 'used' all the money up on one kid and there was nothing left for the other. This is clearly unfair.

I think it depends. Ideally things should be fairly equal in terms of finances but DC should go to the best school etc for their individual needs (where this is possible financially). Sometimes that might be state and sometimes private. Also, if one DC has an expensive hobby and the other enjoys less expensive hobbies but both get to do all the hobbies they want to do then I think that's OK. Things don't HAVE to be exactly equal financially. My brother had a scholarship to private school and I didn't (both went) but he didn't ask for the savings his scholarship had given my parents for example.

If there's a big age gap and the first DC happily goes to state and by the time the second one is old enough, there's the money for private then I'd do that but discuss with the eldest the reasons for the difference in education and how you would allocate some of the extra money for their future (uni or house etc) so that they would also benefit from the financial upturn.

The way I see it, you get 10 years longer with your parents. Money can't buy you that.

We have one child in private secondary. They are autistic and weren’t coping at all in state secondary. Mainstream private school has literally saved their life. Their sibling goes to state secondary like any other kids. The state school child appreciates this his sibling needed private school to cope, whereas they are much more fortunate to be able to cope in a rowdy, chaotic state school.

I sent one of mine private and not the others. Originally we moved them and left the older sibling in the state school because they were happy and thriving. Both went to state secondary and we moved the younger back to private when we realised the (absolutely brilliant) state secondary wasn’t working for them. It transpired younger had ASD and ADHD and we were close to total school refusal and off the scale anxiety in the state school. The private school meant their mental health improved and they were happy and could learn due to the pastoral care. Eldest was offered private 6th form but declined to stay at state school.

Both are now at RG unis but state school child has better GCSE and A level results. State school child has done every activity and extracurricular they like and we made a vow to always say yes.

Generally yes. Though that said the school should suit the child and I think getting a scholarship to a good school is acceptable even if siblings don’t. Hobbies should definitely be able to spend same amount in each child, though depending what hobbies they have there may be a difference by the simple nature of the activity (ie: we have one in motor cross and one in dance, motor cross is more expensive.)

I believe in fairness when it comes to money spent between children not equality. Eg parents who can afford to do so should absolutely be encouraged to send their child with SEN / Disabilities / a particular talent to private schools that would benefit them. They can then adjust their estate to benefit their other children in different ways.

This happened in my family. The brother and sister in question were supportive of the reasoning behind it however, it was about personality and what was available locally (single sex), it wasn’t a money/prioritisation of the eldest or the boy thing. The privately educated one got a very good job, married someone with the same very good job, and is now a very happy stay at home parent. Their younger sibling also has a very good job and has no plans of having children and is smashing their career goals. Both were happy then, and are happy now. Sadly I’m the poor relation and cannot relate to a lot of what I’ve just typed 😅

My ds is at private.school. just gone into year 11. My dd has just started year 7 at state.

Reasoning

Fees have gone up at lot in the past 4 years. Was circa £1670 a month when he started and now £2300 a month. (Fee rises and VAT) If it was that when ds started he wouldn't have gone. We dismissed one school at the time as it's fees were too much.

DH got made redundant now has a job but is earning about £120k a year less.

DD has a very expensive hobby £800 a month

Not sure it's fair but can't get blood out of a stone. Ds is leaving and going to state 6th form.

The amounts of money are irrelevant. What's relevant is whether both children get roughly equal amount of the things they need/ want.

DS has swapped to rugby this year. I have been pleasantly surprised to discover it is cheaper per year than the sports he played last year. I have not downgraded DD's activiteis to be "fair" nor have I told DS he MUST do something else so he can have the same amount spent on him. Both DC are doing activities they enjoy and are happy with.

But if I allowed DD to do an activity but told DS there was no money for him, that WOULD be unfair.

DD2 chose a private secondary. We had mentioned the option to DD1 but didn't actually take her to look at any. DD2 knew of a specific school and asked to go. At the time DD2 started we also offered DD1 the opportunity to move but she chose not to. It's very hard to be totally fair, I feel we did the best we could under the circumstances but with hindsight I would have taken DD1 to see more options.

Well of course it is.

I think the private school is unfair but Expensive extracurricular seems a bit different if it’s for a shorter period. I’ve often paid out for one child to do something for a few terms. If another child was keen then I’d pay for them to do it at the same age. Fair doesn’t necessarily mean equal but it balances out in the longer term.

It’s not always about money. I have one in a state grammar and one in a private school. It’s pretty common amongst their classmates. The state grammar is higher performing than the private school. In fact, it always comes out as one of the highest performing state schools in the country. It’s the most academic school within reasonable travelling distance for my DS. It meets his needs and that’s why we chose it.

Because my children are individuals with different needs not as I said a homogeneous lump all treated the same.

fair and equal are not the same. Children deserve what is right for them - if by treating one the other doesn’t get what they need is different

DD went to grammar DS the idea was floated about private school as it happened the local comprehensive suits him down to the ground. He hates extra curricular stuff so DD also get a lot of dance etc.

both are happy both feel their needs are met that is what is important. If he has bombed out of the school and needed either private or online private schooling I would pay in and instant and DD would understand entirely

I personally don't agree with privatised education in general, but I think it's only something I would do if I had the means to offer the same to the second child, or if they had no interest and had different needs then I would probably try to find equity in it by adding more to their long term savings or providing them with an extra hobby or similar and giving the other child the option to continue with the one they enjoyed which is more costly or switch to two cheaper hobbies. I think it's important children learn the value of money in that respect. I think it depends on the needs of the children and how it impacts the family unit as a whole.

My sister 3 years older went to grammer school. I didnt pass the grammer school so i went private. My younger brother also went private as he didnt get into grammer school. My parents obv didnt wish us to to local state. We all went state primary. I dont feel ny sister had resentments she did better academically and actually out of us three she did more fancy school trips abroad. But we all had outside extra curricular . Families need to make decisions on each child.

Example one
Child 1: went to local comp, was happy, had friends, was popular, picked everything up in class, sailed through GCSEs.
Child 2: went to local comp, unhappy, lonely, lack friends, bullied, classes went too fast, struggled to learn, only got weak passes in a handful of GCSEs

Example two
Child 1: went to local comp, was happy, had friends, was popular, picked everything up in class, sailed through GCSEs.
Child 2: went to small private school; was nurtured; was happy; had friends; was helped to learn well with TAs, passed GCSEs well.

Anyone who says that example one is fairer, is like child 1 and thinks that anyone who isn't doesn't deserve a good life.

Fair doesnt mean equal.

My parents have always needed to give more money to my sister. That's totally fine, she needs it more in many ways. They give more practical help to me. It's not equal, they are looking to give us each what we need/is best for us.

Having said that, its hard to imagine spending the staggering amount that is school fees on only one unless there is a very good reason e.g. excellent SEN provision, a particularly musically gifted child....