My life is a shit show please help

[Lucy2586]

Ok, so my DD is awaiting ASD assessment I quit my job because I knew high school would be a huge deal and I would have to navigate it.

Just So happens she stayed at her dads on Tuesday he took her wed and she flipped wouldn’t go in told her step mother when she breathes in her heart hurts. She told her you have to go. My DD rang me accidentally it must have been near the school and heard her dad say you’re not normal i am walking away from you and never coming back. Obviously I flipped and said you’re a fucking child abuser, he said no you’re a bad mother you bought her phone and she is brain washed.

had 3 attempts today to get her into school even the teacher couldn’t but made sure to let me know that the school attendance person would come and I’d be trouble. So I made a doctors appt. He said she is having panic attacks and at this stage it’s a losing battle she needs a couple of weeks of work sent home then try again.

He sent my Dd out of the room and said did you leave him because he’s a coercive controller and I said yes. He said j want you to come to me tomorrow. He said you are in tears blaming yourself and it’s not your fault. Your daughter has not said a single word not give me eye contact and is rigit. You have her in for an ASD assessment and j can see you have tried everything.

Now her dad has changed his phone number, cut of my child support and said he wants nothing to do with us because I have caused this. What kind of father does that to a twelve year old with a younger sister? I am adrift

Girl youre better off without him

Make sure you've applied for dla, carers allowance, the relevant universl credit and housing help and apply to the cms

Block and move on, he doesnt want your daughter

Us mums have to be strong in the face of a man like this xx

Thank you, I know I just don’t feel strong right now. He has tormented me for ten years I left when she was 2 because I knew I did not want her to live that way. I thought it would have very little impact if she only spent 2 school nights a week but it’s hard.

Do you believe your daughter's difficulties are due to ASD or due to/worsened by any emotional abuse from her father? Don't know the situation so don't wish to be offensive.

Ok, she is completely struggling in mainstream school. If you are not working could you home school her? Even if it’s temporary until the situation calms. Her dad leaving is probably a good thing in the short term at least because she needs consistency, she needs routine to feel safe and if she doesn’t feel secure at her dads then at school it’s a lot to put on young shoulders. Once her home life is calm you can broach going back to school, I work in a school and see this a lot.

as for CM I would suggest that you go for collect and pay I think it’s called where it is taken from his wage and 20% extra which is the fee. Or if like me my abusive ex stopped at Christmas and I decided not to ask for it because I didn’t want him having a monthly reminder we exist. Never saw him again.

I think your daughter needs consistency and to feel safe in a school environment which she currently is struggling with. I also have a son with profound disabilities and I’m prepared to homeschool him if school can’t meet his needs.

I am not sure anymore. She has never said a bad word about him really so I did not have any concerns. I made sure to keep contact as low as possible and I fought tooth and nail for him only to have 2 nights. School nights but after what I heard and the way he said it I was throwing up. Dry heaving. It had a visceral effect. He now knows I am actually on the war path so he has disappeared. Could this be trauma? My poor girl. I could not stop contact because he didn’t ever do anything but he has been so abusive to me.

The doctor has recommended work being sent home for the next two weeks and she will do it. She works hard at school bit is totally overwhelmed right now.

Sorry I accidentally voted you are being unreasonable you’re not and your ex is a fucking arsehole chase up the money owed for you children

Right now i don’t care about money. How long has he been treating her this way? She always came home happy. Occasionally had a grumble but always wanted to go. Last year though she said I don’t want to go because of my periods so she didn’t for 8 months but he kept texting her I have now realised asking where I was. She is 12 now so I’d nip out for an hour or 2 and he blasted me. I told the doctor and she your daughter is 12 you can do that. He has utterly undermined my confidence when I am the one that does everything.

We had an awful break up. He had moved someone into my home within 3 months had a baby right away and the baby was wearing all the clothes I’d bought for my DD. I absolutely love that little girl now so so much. She is adorable and almost 9 so how do I navigate her not seeing her beloved little sister.

I think you need to breathe, this didn't happen overnight and it won't be unpicked overnight.

Your GP sounds like they've got the measure of what's going on, press school for support, see if you can get signposted to any other relevent support. Kids will say and do what they need to to stay safe, and if that means pretending all is fine when she's at his, then that's what she will do to keep the peace between you. Because when you're in conflict, she doesn't feel safe.

Tell her she doesn't need to go, and you will back her up with whatever her decision is, it sounds like the wheels were going to come off with her relationship with her dad at some point and that might be now. Ask her what she needs and listen, you sound like a loving mum who cares for her very much, and has tried to do the right thing, splitting from an abusive partner while obtaining the best outcome for your DC is an incredibly difficult line to walk, you have done your best.

That was a perceptive and caring doctor - I hope you can see them tomorrow.
It is an absolute nightmare trying to get a child to school when they're refusing to go. I've been there. Sympathies. Schools can be extremely unsympathetic and are obsessed with attendance stats.
Has the GP given you any sort of sick note for your daughter? If not get one tomorrow, get the school off your back.
Two weeks home-working sounds good - it'll give you and your DD a breather.
Don't blame yourself and don't let your ex blame you.

Very good question

Something to raise with professionals

So sorry op
What a fcker he is

I know he was a fucker since the day I left hospital with her and has been a fucker ever since. Something will have to give now. He is petty tyrant. I’d put strawberries in her packed lunch and because he had nothing else on me he’d say why would you buy tinned strawberry. Do they even exist? Every single thing and I have stayed single with her and full focus but never enough.

Yes he has has. He said a couple of weeks of work sent home. I couldn’t even pretend there were about 8 tears coming out of each eye and he knew my ex was bullying me. He knew I was blaming myself and he knew I was a good mother and that was validating. X

Thank you, it was hard very hard but I knew I had to go. I didn’t have anywhere I went to my mothers and quickly moved within 2 months and worked my arse off to provide. The shame does not lie with me

Been feeling so anxious, school said the doctors note did fit the criteria to warrant work being sent home. So what do I do with her all day? What if the education man comes out. Her head of year was quite cold when everyone has been quite understanding. Got another doctor calling me tomorrow and I called the early learning team.

I am just calling anyone I can to get help. Any of suggestions?

What to do with her all day? I would do something really nurturing with her. She's having panic attacks at school and her father has just rejected her (admittedly he's blaming you but I doubt she'll see it that way).

My rule when DD is unable to get into school is she has to try a little schoolwork and do some physical exercise. Some children can't manage that, if I had to pare it down further I'd try to keep some physical exercise in, even if it's just a walk to the shop.

I'd try to get her to do the school work while you do admin or housework in the morning. Keep food to her favourite / safe foods, watch repeats of her favourite shows in the afternoon, things that are really comforting - treat her like you would if she was off school with a bad cold, but still able to do some work in the mornings.

Who to speak to - you might get better advice on the EBSA Support Thread on the SEN boards.

You report her absent every morning due to mental health issues. This should not be marked as an unauthorised absence and if it is, fight it. Mental Ill health is classified in the same way as physical ill health.

After 15 days of absence, the local authority have a duty to provide an alternative provision - likely to be work sent home.

I ended up home educating my daughter in the end, but you do not have to send her in and you cannot be fined unless the absences are marked as unauthorised (they should not be!) and you will need to argue this.

Thank you I have been ringing every morning. I am concerned that I do not have the skills to home school. I cannot afford a tutor I had to leave my job. I will do absolutely anything I have to but the head of year was dismissive and made me doubt what that doctor said. Surely I should take a doctors advise over a teachers.

I understand, but there are plenty of free resources or platforms that follow the curriculum for less than £20 a month.

Home ed might not be right for you, but keep her home, report mental health every morning and contact the local authority after 15 days x

A month really? I didn’t know anything about that. She is massively overwhelmed by the size of the school and I cannot carry a child in who wears a shoe size 2 bigger than mine. She is really struggling.

Have you applied for an EHCNA?

No I don’t know what that is.

It won't help in the short term but may in the long term so you may as well get the ball rolling now, when you have a bit of headspace.

It's an Education Health and Care Needs Assessment. The local authority psychologist will come to the school (or home) to assess your DD's needs to see if your daughter could get an EHCP which is a legal document on measures that should be in place for her at school. If she can't cope with the school environment it's also what you need to get her into a more suited smaller school environment, at least theoretically.

You could ask the school to support you with it, or Google local support groups.

The school won’t send any work at the moment so I can’t get her to do school work.