My life is a shit show please help

[Lucy2586]

Ok, so my DD is awaiting ASD assessment I quit my job because I knew high school would be a huge deal and I would have to navigate it.

Just So happens she stayed at her dads on Tuesday he took her wed and she flipped wouldn’t go in told her step mother when she breathes in her heart hurts. She told her you have to go. My DD rang me accidentally it must have been near the school and heard her dad say you’re not normal i am walking away from you and never coming back. Obviously I flipped and said you’re a fucking child abuser, he said no you’re a bad mother you bought her phone and she is brain washed.

had 3 attempts today to get her into school even the teacher couldn’t but made sure to let me know that the school attendance person would come and I’d be trouble. So I made a doctors appt. He said she is having panic attacks and at this stage it’s a losing battle she needs a couple of weeks of work sent home then try again.

He sent my Dd out of the room and said did you leave him because he’s a coercive controller and I said yes. He said j want you to come to me tomorrow. He said you are in tears blaming yourself and it’s not your fault. Your daughter has not said a single word not give me eye contact and is rigit. You have her in for an ASD assessment and j can see you have tried everything.

Now her dad has changed his phone number, cut of my child support and said he wants nothing to do with us because I have caused this. What kind of father does that to a twelve year old with a younger sister? I am adrift

Hello OP

I always pop up on these threads, just to tell people, they are not alone, there are thousands of us in the same boat (or have been, we are thankfully out the other side).

Firstly, let me direct you here: https://notfineinschool.co.uk/

It’s a place filled with help, support and resources. There is also a FB group, so come and join us!

Secondly - it is the responsibility of the LA and the School, for your child to get an education. This is not on you, they are the professionals, and they need to do their job. Do not withdraw your child from school, as they will drop this responsibility like a hot brick.

On EHCP .. if school won’t apply for one, do it yourself, directly with the LA. Your child’s disabilty is impacting their ability to access an Education. Please don’t fall for “bit they are working at the right level” or “they are ok when they are in school”.

Lots of schools are not able to cope with young people with EBSA. We were the same. ASD girl, wheels started to drop off in Y8, didn’t really attended at all in Y10 & Y11. With CAMHS for 3 years, eventually diagnosed at 17… but started on Sertraline at 16, which was a complete game changer. DDs school was really supportive, and have now completly changed how they manage people like my Daughter … and all for the better.

Please don’t make it into a battle, it’s not your job to force her in - that will make the whole thing worse. You are her cheerleader.

DH found it really difficult - turns out he’s ASD as well! They get on great now, and never said anything bad to her, but I knew he was fustrated.

These dark days will pass. Exams, GCSEs etc, can be done at any stage in life. DD is 19 now, in college doing something she loves, a lovely person, great company.. who cares what that she missed most of high school, a scraped a few GCSEs.

There is a SN board by the way .. full of helpful tips

I second this. This group has completely opened my eyes to alternative provision when my DD refused school.

OP, your DD is going through a lot right now. Mental health is just as important as physical health. You sound like an amazing mum to your DD and your GP sounds like an amazing help too

@Lucy2586 just so your expectations aren’t raised. You might struggle with an EHCNA at the moment because the local authority need evidence that the school have provided a graduated response and support from their own resources to agree an assesssment. It sounds as though your DD has had limited attendance for a while which will have prevented the school from doing this. They don’t sound very supportive at all though. It might be worth looking at other schools that might have more focus on wellbeing and talking to them to see if they can suggest a way forward if home ed isn’t an option.

Check what the school is recording the absences as. It should be coded as I.

Request an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

The only lawful test for an EHCNA is a) has or may have SEN, and b) may need special educational provision to be made via an EHCP. Anything else, such as requiring the school to have completed 2+ APDR cycles or to have already spent £6k is unlawful.

Ultimately, the duty to ensure DC unable to attend school receive a suitable full time education lies with the LA. This should be provided as soon as it becomes clear 15 days will be missed. The days don’t need to have already been missed or consecutive. And provision should start by the sixth day of absence. IPSEA also has a model letter for this. The school doesn’t have to send work home if DD can’t attend school. Even of they did, the LGO has established work sent home does not relieve the LA of their duty.

Thank you everyone is weighing on me seeing her struggle.

So I had a doctor call me
today and admit she knows nothing about this sort of thing. I must have sounded so rude but I said I need to speak to someone who does. The conflicting information is mind bending. Obviously this a quite big issue how come as a parent you are left alone to navigate it.

I wouldn’t trust the GP practice to give you accurate information about the law surrounding EHCPs, s19 provision or the recording of absences/sickness returns. Many do not understand the law. Similarly don’t believe everything the LA or school tells you. LAs often act unlawfully and some schools do too &/or repeat the LA’s unlawful policies.

Start by reading IPSEA and SOSSEN’s websites. Also the SENCOP, the working together to improve school attendance guidance, and the arranging education for children who cannot attend school because of health needs guidance - you can find these on the government’s website.

You can get her to do something even if it’s not exactly what they are currently doing at school.

get some ks3 workbooks you should be able to find some quite cheaply, prob even get some from marketplace

schedule the day so she does a couple of hours from the workbooks in the morning.

then a break

then something physical. Maybe start couch to 5k together.

then in the afternoon do arts and crafty stuff, cooking get her preparing dinner, you should be able to freecycle fabrics. I know I have loads of odds and ends I’d be happy to donate.

then let her chill.

So who can you believe? So if I drag a distressed child out of my car and drag her into school I won’t get into trouble. Seems like this no win every way you turn

My second paragraph directs you to where you can find accurate information,

I wouldn’t be dragging DD out of the car and into school. Not at all.

I just don’t understand why they all do not work together. Surely that’s in the best interest of a child. Well for now I am going with the GP and the school will just have to accept it.

If I was you I’d try to start the EHCP assessment application process as soon as possible. It can be done by the school SENCO if your think they would be willing to but if not you can apply yourself. It’s a long process but it is so valuable to making sure adjustments are in place to help your daughter at school or an alternative place. You don’t need a diagnosis to apply so you can do it before she has an ASD assessment. IPSEA or contact are both really useful and have phone lines were you can talk through the situation and they’ll give you advice on what to do and help filling out the forms.

https://www.ipsea.org.uk

https://contact.org.uk/about-contact/contact-us/

also if you’re on Facebook there’s a group called SEN parent support group who give great advice and lots of templates/info.

we are going to try again on Monday, take her to school at 9.30 to go to sen department first of all. The welfare officer said she could have ODD but I don’t really agree she does have meltdowns of course after feeling so stressed in the school situation but she has very strong morals for a child and hates to see injustice. So confusing and I am feeling anxious about Monday.

One good thing is I have took her for fresh air every day etc but she is very very bored now. My parents are totally baffled by this but they are in their 70s. They are convinced shes being bullied but I don’t think it’s that either.

It doesn't sound like ODD at all.

She's having panic attacks, not being deliberately hostile and argumentative with adults in her life presumably?

Do you have a local autism charity to you? I would look into it and if you do get in touch with them for support.

Her dad does not even believe she has autism bevause he hasn’t took the time to research as I have and until 10 there were signs but not glaring but he basically spends a few hours a week with her.

She is so wonderful and quick witted and I love you so much but right now is a real struggle. I am going to look into everything I can to help my precious girl. I think I have managed to get through to her today that we have to get her in to see the Senco team at school and we can get her the help she needs.

Read up about regulation. Until you are calm she can’t be. Have you been assessed for complex pts? Sounds like it could help. Check it out, very close to asd in its presentation.

I think I do have that from what her father put me through years ago. if I had been able to move on completely from the man it would have helped but I cannot and he is pretty much a vile person.

I can only imagine. But you know now so you’re in control of working through it. You can do it for both you and your daughter.