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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you leave someone who..

67 replies

Wanttobeanonhere14 · 10/09/2025 16:10

You’ve been with for 4+ years. They’re kind caring generous attentive great with the DSS/DSD great career want to get married, but…
they have a really high sex drive to the point where they can sometimes sulk if they’re not getting enough (eg 4/5 times pw isn’t enough). It’s been this the whole time and makes me feel cold. Spoken about it and it has slightly improved but I know there’s now underlying resentment on their part.
AIBU or short sighted to end what is otherwise a brilliant relationship for this one reason.

We’re late 40’s and the thought of another few decades of this fills me with dread.

OP posts:
didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 10/09/2025 16:14

Would I be with someone who the thought of spending the future with fills me with dread?

No.

Rallentanda · 10/09/2025 16:15

I would not continue with that. Sorry.

It’s the pressure and resentment. That’s not a way to treat a partner. Life gets complicated and sex falls down the list of priorities. How the partner with the higher sex drive behaves is so important. He’s shown you that already.

(but I’m a random stranger and obviously projecting a bit.)

Meadowfinch · 10/09/2025 16:17

Your dread or their resentment will kill the relationship eventually. If you have what you consider to be a healthy sex drive, and he's not happy with it, then end it.

Living under constant pressure is not viable

AnotherExpatKiwi · 10/09/2025 16:17

Absolutely not. You’re not his wank sock or sex toy.

GardenGaff · 10/09/2025 16:18

I’d imagine the ‘slight improvement’ in sulking would quickly decline again once you’re even more committed by being married, or for example a period of ill health results in less sex, etc.

I hate any kind of sulking anyway, but sulking about not enough sex when you’re having it 5 times a week, would kill my sex drive stone dead.

Zimunya · 10/09/2025 16:19

High sex drive - fine. Sulking when you say "no" - really not fine. How old is he - five? I wouldn't want a man-child who didn't respect my body and my choices.

UnimatrixZeroOne · 10/09/2025 16:25

This situation is not going to change. Move on.

MathsMum3 · 10/09/2025 16:28

You've been together 4 years - has it always been like this? What about before you were living together? I think it's perfectly typical that frequency dwindles after the first flush of getting to know each other. Not always, but often. So if you used to have sex every day, and that went to 4-5 times a week, and that's still too much for you, I can understand he might not be happy with that, but the sulking is a no no. Time to have a grown up conversation about it, and if you can't arrive at a compromise you're both happy with, might be time to end it.

outerspacepotato · 10/09/2025 16:30

Your sex drives are incompatible and he gets coercive about it.

Yes, that's split territory.

Hatty65 · 10/09/2025 16:30

Yes. I don't tolerate people who sulk for any reason. I didn't deal well with them at primary school. As a fully functional adult I won't bother.

I'll be honest, he wouldn't have lasted 4 years with me. First time he sulked because he didn't get his own way he'd have got a strong warning. Second time, he'd have been dumped.

AltitudeCheck · 10/09/2025 16:34

Sulking and using your 'fear' of his moods to pressure to have sex you don't really want? Happy to have sex (jerk off inside you) while you grin and bear it and let him get it over and done with?

This isn't a man who values you as a person or has your best interests at heart. Get rid of this one, you deserve better.

ginasevern · 10/09/2025 16:35

If his behaviour fills you with dread for the future, then it's a no brainer. Don't hang on hoping he'll change because that's highly unlikely. In fact, he's more likely to go looking for sex on the side and then blame you.

Itsanewlife · 10/09/2025 16:36

I imagine things won't be like this for a couple of decades - first because your sex drive (which I imagine peri menopause might be impacting) might change, and second, his will too, and body parts/hormones won't always function like they do now.

I think how you're dealing with the current incompatibility - resentment on his part, dread on yours - is more of a red flag than the issue of sex. The other things you mention - "kind caring generous attentive great with the DSS/DSD great career want to get married" - are not things one should take for granted (just look at the relationships/divorce/separation threads for perspective). So perhaps address how you deal with differences and find ways to communicate effectively with each other (obviously sulking is silly).

Beamur · 10/09/2025 16:38

I think this level of incompatibility would be a deal breaker for me.

Itstwelveoclocksomewhere · 10/09/2025 16:54

I would not stay with someone who wants sex far more frequently than I do.

Original poster
Wanttobeanonhere14 · 10/09/2025 16:55

Taking in all responses -

we don’t live together, have children so don’t want to blend but we stay over at each others homes through the week when we don’t have our respective children.
its always been about 4-5 x pw, various times, which I enjoy but then he feels it’s never enough.

@Itsanewlife pointed out that all his caring qualities are not to be taken for granted with which I agree and is why it makes it more difficult.

But can’t see a way around as it’s been the full 4 years he’s been like this. doesn’t sulk all day but we do have words at the time when I say no and it ruins the time. By morning it’s fine, but then it’s on my mind that I feel like I ‘have’ to be up for it the next night and this causes me stress.

OP posts:
EaglesSwim · 10/09/2025 17:01

Of course you need to split up, you're not compatible. No joint kids?

Just walk away.

MoominMai · 10/09/2025 17:02

I had the same issue with an ex. Absolutely fantastic, charming, handsome and fun to be with in the daytime but every single night he wanted it and was gung-ho with it to so not particularly pleasant for me. It got to point where I felt more like something for him to just use for his own pleasure as there was no real connection and I honestly think any body would have done. It got to the point of me being almost in tears at the thought of this being the rest of my life (late 40s) as there’s no compromise with him. If I didn’t want it, he’d sulk and would use it as ‘evidence’ of me having an affair. I was v conflicted as he was otherwise just the best BF I’d ever had but this Jekyll and Hyde aspect was just unsustainable for both my physical and mental health so I did reluctantly call it a day. But it did hurt knowing he would always put his sexual needs always ahead of my emotional needs. Eg the day of my BIL funeral where he had died young only 39 from a cancerous brain tumour which gave him just a short last 6 months of life plus he left behind a devastated 5 and 10 year old and was a very hands on fabulous dad so I was upset on many levels. Well he’d been fantastic and driven me 3 hours to attend and I’d booked us a hotel for the night and I just wanted him to hold me that night and be mindful of how I’d likely be feeling - hardly takes an Einstein. So he held me but then to my huge disappointment just turned into full on sex, it was obvious I was reluctant from my body language but knowing how moody he could get and I felt he probably thought I owed him for the long drive down, I just let it happen but was very upset indeed and I think though the break up took another 12 months, I really struggled with that particular memory.

5128gap · 10/09/2025 17:06

You might as well. Because one or the other of you will end it, so you might as well take control and do it on your terms. There really isn't any compromise when want person wants daily sex and the other dreads it. So one or other is going to be unhappy until one or other decides they can't live like that any more.

CurlewKate · 10/09/2025 18:43

Would I be with someone who doesn’t know what “no” means?
Avsolutely not.

Dweetfidilove · 10/09/2025 18:45

We’re late 40’s and the thought of another few decades of this fills me with dread.

Yes.

JHound · 10/09/2025 18:46

We’re late 40’s and the thought of another few decades of this fills me with dread.

This alone does not bode well for the future.

Katheclepto · 10/09/2025 18:49

In these situations is a wank not sufficient?! I’ve never understood it! Me and DH have sex maybe 1-2 times per week and are late 30’s! I’m just not in the mood for more than that and he isn’t bothered either he said. He also doesn’t wank so assume he doesn’t have a high sex drive. Not one of those women who says he doesn’t wank because I’m naive, genuinely I’ve asked him and he said he just doesn’t feel the need nor have the time!

TheOneForMe · 10/09/2025 18:50

I can’t stand sulking. You are filled with dread when you think of the future with him. You know you can’t stay with him and be happy.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/09/2025 18:51

I would not stay with a sulker or anyone that felt entitled to my body on their schedule.

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