Page 3 | Would you leave someone who..

Wanttobeanonhere14 · 2025-09-10T15:10:58+00:00

You’ve been with for 4+ years. They’re kind caring generous attentive great with the DSS/DSD great career want to get married, but… they have a really high sex drive to the point where they can sometimes sulk if they’re not getting enough (eg 4/5 times pw isn’t enough). It’s been this the whole time and makes me feel cold. Spoken about it and it has slightly improved but I know there’s now underlying resentment on their part. AIBU or short sighted to end what is otherwise a brilliant relationship for this one reason. We’re late 40’s and the thought of another few decades of this fills me with dread.

WhatNextBanana · 11/09/2025 08:21

AltitudeCheck · 10/09/2025 16:34

Sulking and using your 'fear' of his moods to pressure to have sex you don't really want? Happy to have sex (jerk off inside you) while you grin and bear it and let him get it over and done with?

This isn't a man who values you as a person or has your best interests at heart. Get rid of this one, you deserve better.

This

Munchyseeds2 · 11/09/2025 08:24

Yes I would end the relationship

ShodAndShadySenators · 11/09/2025 08:37

he says he’ll be fine with it and he’ll manage his frustration He actually said that, that he'll manage his frustration?! Hell's bells, talk about manipulation...

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 11/09/2025 08:41

Wanttobeanonhere14 · 11/09/2025 08:14

This is my view He’ll be the one losing out because I don’t give in and do it if I don’t want to because it’s not like he’s deprived. We’ve spoken about it loads and he says he’ll be fine with it and he’ll manage his frustration but I can tell he’s just holding back feeling wound up, I can feel it.

someone else said that feeling like you need to perform kills a sex drive dead or something like that which is what I’m starting to feel now.

It’s been good to hear others views on this

He isn’t actually taking no for an answer now, because he’s sulking and making you feel bad. So what makes you think he will never step further over the line?

Northquit · 11/09/2025 08:44

You'll be losing out on peace and love. Knowing someone is unhappy because you're incompatible in terms of satisfaction is bad for you.
You'll be living a life of guilt and misery.

You don't live together so how on earth do you find the time ? Is it his priority when you meet up?

I really couldn't be arsed with it all.

ShoeeMcfee · 11/09/2025 08:46

Absolutely not.

edited to say, I mean I would absolutely not stay.

Mrsmunchofmunchington · 11/09/2025 08:59

I think you should end this now.

In the future (if not already) you will end up accepting him using your body for sex when you don’t want it.

I have done this in order to try to keep someone I really loved and it was soul destroying.

I still think about those occasions sometimes. Laying there, feeling myself floating above my body, distancing myself from the intrusion.

I had basically agreed to rape.

I sometimes wonder how any man can enjoy sex that he must surely be aware that the woman doesn’t want but of course we know many men (if not the majority) just want sex irrespective of real consent.

As a woman the thought of coercing a man into sex would never cross my mind and would both embarrass and revolt me.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/09/2025 09:04

Sulking is emotional manipulation to try and get his own way. He is trying to coerce you into sex. Which is not OK. The fact he is like this when you have sex frequently anyway is worrying, his expectations are all wrong and seems like he feels ultimately that he has a right to use your body as he wishes. As others have said, what happens when you get older / lose your sex drive in menopause / have a period of ill health? Sounds like he would be unbearable. And if he said 'no that's different as you can't help it' that shows he is capable of controlling his reaction

ChocolateCinderToffee · 11/09/2025 09:09

Leave. Once you get to the menopause you are likely to find your own libido changes. If you want less sex or none, this guy isn’t going to deal with it, is he? He sounds like a jerk.

Account734 · 11/09/2025 09:41

Yes, I'd leave because being used as an unwilling blow up doll is completely disgusting to me. A man who sulks because he can't use a woman's body as he wishes when it's not what she wants is foul. He has no respect for you.

Branleuse · 11/09/2025 09:50

If he has lots of other good qualities that you value, I think you have nothing to lose by laying it on the table exactly how his sulking over sex is making you consider ending things. That you want him to do the work on himself. That you love sex with him, but you aren't a machine or an object, and you dont want or expect anyone to try and negotiate when you aren't in the mood. Its not a democracy. Its your body and no is no. Non-enthusiastic sex is shit, and unwanted sex is rape.
If he cant get the message then he needs to go.

EaglesSwim · 11/09/2025 10:36

Branleuse · 11/09/2025 09:50

If he has lots of other good qualities that you value, I think you have nothing to lose by laying it on the table exactly how his sulking over sex is making you consider ending things. That you want him to do the work on himself. That you love sex with him, but you aren't a machine or an object, and you dont want or expect anyone to try and negotiate when you aren't in the mood. Its not a democracy. Its your body and no is no. Non-enthusiastic sex is shit, and unwanted sex is rape.
If he cant get the message then he needs to go.

There are many, many things that can be changed or be easily sacrificed. Mismatched sex drives is not one of them. They need to split now, being together will make one or both of them miserable. The fact the word "dread" is used shows it already is.

Original poster

Wanttobeanonhere14 · 11/09/2025 10:47

Branleuse · 11/09/2025 09:50

If he has lots of other good qualities that you value, I think you have nothing to lose by laying it on the table exactly how his sulking over sex is making you consider ending things. That you want him to do the work on himself. That you love sex with him, but you aren't a machine or an object, and you dont want or expect anyone to try and negotiate when you aren't in the mood. Its not a democracy. Its your body and no is no. Non-enthusiastic sex is shit, and unwanted sex is rape.
If he cant get the message then he needs to go.

I’ve done this and said I’m ready to end things so he then says he’ll manage his frustration around it and apologies explains how he’ll deal with things in a better way but we’ve had many talks in the past about it and he says the same things so I’m the idiot for hoping it will change because he is who he is/wants in the same way that I am. There’s a mismatch.
Crunch time is now because in a couple of years our respective children will have left home and that’s the point that we said we’d live together so the dread feeling is because I’m thinking ahead to imagining what it could be like if we shared a bed every night!

Mind made up, thanks for your views, I’m ending it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wanttobeanonhere14 · 11/09/2025 11:22

MoominMai · 10/09/2025 17:02

I had the same issue with an ex. Absolutely fantastic, charming, handsome and fun to be with in the daytime but every single night he wanted it and was gung-ho with it to so not particularly pleasant for me. It got to point where I felt more like something for him to just use for his own pleasure as there was no real connection and I honestly think any body would have done. It got to the point of me being almost in tears at the thought of this being the rest of my life (late 40s) as there’s no compromise with him. If I didn’t want it, he’d sulk and would use it as ‘evidence’ of me having an affair. I was v conflicted as he was otherwise just the best BF I’d ever had but this Jekyll and Hyde aspect was just unsustainable for both my physical and mental health so I did reluctantly call it a day. But it did hurt knowing he would always put his sexual needs always ahead of my emotional needs. Eg the day of my BIL funeral where he had died young only 39 from a cancerous brain tumour which gave him just a short last 6 months of life plus he left behind a devastated 5 and 10 year old and was a very hands on fabulous dad so I was upset on many levels. Well he’d been fantastic and driven me 3 hours to attend and I’d booked us a hotel for the night and I just wanted him to hold me that night and be mindful of how I’d likely be feeling - hardly takes an Einstein. So he held me but then to my huge disappointment just turned into full on sex, it was obvious I was reluctant from my body language but knowing how moody he could get and I felt he probably thought I owed him for the long drive down, I just let it happen but was very upset indeed and I think though the break up took another 12 months, I really struggled with that particular memory.

Edited

Sorry you had this awful experience

OP posts:

outerspacepotato · 11/09/2025 12:48

I’ve done this and said I’m ready to end things so he then says he’ll manage his frustration around it and apologies explains how he’ll deal with things in a better way but we’ve had many talks in the past about it and he says the same things so I’m the idiot for hoping it will change because he is who he is/wants in the same way that I am.

He's not going to change. Don't listen to his words. You have 4 years of actions telling you otherwise.

He feels entitled to use your body when he wants. He gets frustrated and sulky and you have words when you say no. He doesn't accept that you have the right to say no to sex and tries to get you to change your mind.

You would be foolish to move in with him with this level of sexual incompatibility and the fact that he is coercive regarding sex.

If you become ill or your sex drive lowers, he won't care. He will still want more sex than you. I think his coerciveness will damage your sex drive by turning any physical affection into something you avoid and dread because he will want sex that you don't. It will damage your self esteem because he will guilt you.

What do you think he would do if you tell him moving on is off the table?

YodasHairyButt · 11/09/2025 12:59

Wanttobeanonhere14 · 11/09/2025 10:47

I’ve done this and said I’m ready to end things so he then says he’ll manage his frustration around it and apologies explains how he’ll deal with things in a better way but we’ve had many talks in the past about it and he says the same things so I’m the idiot for hoping it will change because he is who he is/wants in the same way that I am. There’s a mismatch.
Crunch time is now because in a couple of years our respective children will have left home and that’s the point that we said we’d live together so the dread feeling is because I’m thinking ahead to imagining what it could be like if we shared a bed every night!

Mind made up, thanks for your views, I’m ending it.

Edited

Show quote history

He’s had his chance to change then hasn’t he? And proved that he can’t do it. You’re absolutely doing the right thing, hard as it feels. You deserve to be happy.

Summerhut2025 · 13/09/2025 22:08

Is there really any women out there who would want to have it that much? Does he think he would get it as much off anyone else? I don’t think so. My man likes sex alot but no way would I do 4-5 times a week, he’s lucky you are agreeing to that!
is he taking testosterone or steroids? Those things annoyingly make them more horny.
i would tell him your weekly limit and that he can wank the rest of the time if he really needs it, if he doesn’t accept that or sulks finish it. He’ll soon come running back agreeing to your terms when he fails to find another woman who will give it to him as much as you.