Would you leave someone who..

[Wanttobeanonhere14]

You’ve been with for 4+ years. They’re kind caring generous attentive great with the DSS/DSD great career want to get married, but…
they have a really high sex drive to the point where they can sometimes sulk if they’re not getting enough (eg 4/5 times pw isn’t enough). It’s been this the whole time and makes me feel cold. Spoken about it and it has slightly improved but I know there’s now underlying resentment on their part.
AIBU or short sighted to end what is otherwise a brilliant relationship for this one reason.

We’re late 40’s and the thought of another few decades of this fills me with dread.

Sulks if doesnt get sex? 🚩🚩🚩

You’re not sexually compatible and he’s not emotionally mature enough to either a) compromise on the balance of an otherwise excellent relationship and b) regulate his emotions like an adult.

Bad news all round.

Oh god, you should not have to put up with that!
A friend of mine has just left her H of 30 years for the same reason. She just can’t cope anymore. She kept thinking his sex drive would diminished with age but it hasn’t and she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life worrying about him sulking because his sex drive is a lot higher than hers.

This may be a glib comment but it hits home. You are literally a wank sock - he’s probably thinking about a random girl at Tescos checkout while he’s doing it, or the latest porn video he watched the night before (or that afternoon…).

*its always been about 4-5 x pw, various times, which I enjoy but then he feels it’s never enough."

we do have words at the time when I say no and it ruins the time.

You will never have enough sex for him. And he feels entitled enough to use your body how he pleases to argue about you saying no. That's the deal killer right there, his entitlement and he basically doesn't believe you have body autonomy.

Don't count on his sex drive decreasing with age either.

Why would you even consider staying in a relationship that has any element to it that ‘fills you with dread’? You’re not sexually compatible, and his reaction to rejection is sulky and brattish; of course this isn’t going to work longer term.

Because the rest is so good wondered whether anyone would come back and say hang in there, with stories of it changing!
or alternative viewpoints that I’m not seeing

we don’t live together

I find this staggering. Don't live together. No shared kids.There's no impediment to a quick WhatsApp Message right now: "Sorry, it's been great but we're not compatible. I wish you the best, we should return each other's stuff next week. X".

The OP might as well say "I hit my hand with a hammer every day at 3pm. Should I stop?" Yes! Of course you should!

If this was a marriage with shared property and two shared young kids it would be a nightmare, but it's not.

This is what I’m worried about

It won't change. His biological 'requirements' are pretty much constant. The one thing that might change is your libido will likely drop with age.

Its not the sex drive. Its the fact he feels entitled to it and makes you feel under pressure.
Its a quick way to disconnect a woman from her own sexuality if you feel you have to perform

It sounds like couples counselling would be a good shout here. It’s ok to have different sex drives however it’s not ok for one to make the other feel bad for theirs.

Counselling with give you both the tools to think about the situation from each others point of view and also learn how to communicate about the topic and retrain your brains as to how to think about sex together.

Nope

But ultimately either one will be having too much sex and one will now be having enough. One or both will.be miserable. No amount of counselling will deal with that

These two just aren't meant to be together.

There’s two ways this pans out OP. Either you have sex you don’t want, or he’s sulking and arguing with you several times a week for saying no.

Both are forms of abuse. End it.

Reading all these is letting me know what I already know deep down but it’s really bloody hard!

That's compatibility. You're both happy with the situation. Me & BF have sex far far more often than that and we're both happy with it (because we are well matched, sex is a priority and a hobby for us). Neither of us would be with someone with much lower sex drive.
The difference is not a problem but the sulking and his reaction to it is, OP. So on that basis alone, time to end it.

The difference is not a problem but the sulking and his reaction to it is, OP. So on that basis alone, time to end it.

The difference would.still be a problem.even if there was no sulking.

If he's sexually coercive, that's abuse and it's generally accepted not to do joint counseling with someone who's abusive. She can't be open, for one, and that renders counseling useless.

A guy with this level of entitlement to another's body is not going to change through counseling. Sexual coercion is really deep seated.

Well if he was happy with masturbation to close the gap no it wouldn't be a problem. Why do you think it would? Though tbh I'd much rather be the person who doesn't have the sex they want to have than the one who for whatever bizarre reason believes they should have sex they don't want to have.

The sulking is a choice.

It is a weapon through which he wants to manipulate you.

He might want to have sex every day but no one is entitled to sex at all.

Lots of people may have desires that are not being fulfilled - be that for sex, sunshine, chocolate, power, uninterrupted sleep or some niche kink.

We may not choose to have that desire but we are able to choose how we respond to it not being fulfilled.

If his interest in you is reliant on having sex four or five times a week, then he is actually interested in you. Over a long period, even couples who both have high sex drives at the start may face periods where one person is unwilling or unable to have sex (eg, illness, chemo, recovering from a car crash etc, grief). Imagine having chemo and having a partner sulking because you weren't allowing him to penetrate you.

Don't tell yourself he wouldn't do that - cancer nurses will tell you that many relationships end when a woman is the one unwell as the men leave as they don't like not being the priority where as women rarely leave their unwell male partners.

Luckily all these problems evaporate as.soon as they split up.

You don't live together but sex 4_5 times a week still isn't enough? Any man who sulks when you say No when he's having that much sex has a problem. He may have lots of good qualities but they'll fade when you can't ever sleep in the same bed without being pestered or sulked at every night

This is my view He’ll be the one losing out because I don’t give in and do it if I don’t want to because it’s not like he’s deprived. We’ve spoken about it loads and he says he’ll be fine with it and he’ll manage his frustration but I can tell he’s just holding back feeling wound up, I can feel it.

someone else said that feeling like you need to perform kills a sex drive dead or something like that which is what I’m starting to feel now.

It’s been good to hear others views on this

I would be out the door so fast my feet wouldn’t touch the ground. Gropers and sulkers don’t turn me on.