Have you ever been a bully? Why?

[Sophiehoney]

This thread, if there's any interest, might get dark so this is just a trigger warning.

The recent thread about someone being contacted by her school bully was really long and I noticed a few people sympathising with the bully and at least one person admitting that they were bullies.

I suspect there probably were a few more people that bullied people but didn't admit it.

Name change if you must but I am just genuinely interested - if you were a bully, why did you do it?

Or if you're not a bully, feel free to give your reasons why you think they do it!

Absolutely this! I agree 100%!
I actually don't care what they're going through at home,or what's happening in their life to make them take it out on other people. I see the damage that it's done to my daughter, both physically and mentally, and 7 years on, she only has one friend. She's lonely but she doesn't trust people. It absolutely breaks me to think that some people can make you feel so bad about yourself that it stays with you forever.
Meanwhile, the bullies are on social media with their holiday pics, nice cars, good jobs,babies....probably never even giving my daughter a second thought or what they've done to her!

I suspect they struggle to keep up the facade even now. Hence all the protestations about get regretful they are. Also bullies are almost always narcissists, so the mea culpa will partly be about ‘oh look at me, over here, I have a story to tell, aren’t I so amazing for recognizing that I was a bully’.

Honestly they are totally transparent and shallow. We can all see through it.

I think the whole bullies are victims too makes it even harder to do anything about it. When you are encouraged to see both sides it obscures the shittiness of the original behaviour. As an adult I see that I’m expected to understand the other person’s pov and also consider if I’m ‘oversensitive’ in a situation where there is bullying behaviour because in general people dealing with things are lazy and selfish and avoid conflict. So if there is any way to make it all go away as a two sided disagreement or a personality clash then that is taken.

I used to see this in schools sadly as well as the main focus was to try and get the bully and victim to make and accept an apology and then say they were mates. Horrible.

I can’t say I’ve never bullied anyone as I’ve probably joined in on piss taking and not known the whole story but I’ve never targeted someone and attempted to make their life a misery for my own amusement. I was bullied relentlessly as a small child due to my red hair and I can see how even though I stood up for myself my home life made it difficult for me to do that consistently enough to get left alone. I’ve always told my dc to hit back (even though they won’t) and I don’t bring them up in an abusive environment and any hint of bullying I deal with via parents or school and luckily so far everything has been nipped in the bud.

My dc have this inner self confidence that I am so pleased that they have but I could weep for the little girl I was who had that opportunity ripped from her by home and school. I am a very successful adult and I’m outwardly confident, attractive (so I’m told), have the marriage and 2.4 kids in the detached home, a good social life etc etc but that feeling that I’m never good enough and no one really likes me just won’t budge sadly.

@looselegs

Yes - our experience too. Those poor little bullies are having great lives without a backwards glance. It’s grim.

Yes, of course it is, as I said I was also very much on the receiving end at the time and know how bad it can be. My BMI was 25.1 in Y10 and Y11 at school and I was called fat or thunder thighs almost every day by a handful of boys. My confidence was shot to pieces, I didn't trust boys my own age at all, and it took years to rebuild my self confidence and actually believe people when they said I was attractive.

Looking back as an adult, I'm amazed our tutor was able to be so professional when he spoke to us. We certainly didn't deserve him being calm and professional. But his way of dealing with it did work.

I've been on both ends I think. I was definitely bullied to some extent, I think this is because I was the 'poor relation' with the in crowd so I would go along what they did not to be ostracised. I grew up in a house where it was pretty much survival of the fittest. My own DD was severely bullied in high school and it has affected her choices in relationships and self-esteem. She tries to rescue people and in-turn is treated badly. It breaks my heart the position she is currently in

No, I think it is possible to regret behaviour when younger that you wouldn’t engage in now. I do believe in rehabilitation. I personally regret being mean to people but as I said, I was also being bullied and in my experience, that’s often the way. It’s how some people make themselves feel better and cope.
And from your post you seem to suggest that bullying is a rare thing as it separates bullies from “nice people”. At my school, there were some kids who were bullied by everyone, that is to say, the whole class would laugh at them, nobody would sit with them at lunch, nobody would be their friend or stick up for them. No, not everyone was the instigator but they will each have contributed to that kid having a shit time at school. But I don’t think the whole class was full of fundamentally evil nasty people. It’s because people are weak and self serving. It’s easy to say that you’d stand up to bullies, that you’d never join in but the reality is that most wouldn’t stand up to them and very many, especially those who don’t have a strong inner confidence, would go along with it, laugh or support the bully in other ways. As you get older it becomes easier to assert yourself but there are a lot of people out there who do regret their behaviour.

This has been interesting to read. Do you think more girls bully than boys or roughly the same or less? My memories are that more but am thinking that’s probably because it’s just what I was aware of rather then generally what happens.

I think girls are less likely to engage in physical bullying. They’re more likely to engage in psychological torture and I think it’s that which can have a really damaging impact, often more so than physical bullying. Boys are more likely to be physical bullies but I think both sexes are equally likely to be bullies. I also think for both it’s often not picked up on as it’s dismissed as play fighting or friendship fall-outs.
I’ve also seen plenty of girls bullying boys and vice versa.

No that's just an excuse for bad/bullying behaviour.
Not everyone bullies those less powerful than them nor do we all pass our stress, upset, pain or jealousy onto those below us. Nor is there any excuse for doing so. If you can't handle the stress or pressure at work or school that's a you problem that you need to find a fix for that doesn't involve abusing someone else that you perceive as weaker.
I do agree that bullying is the wrong term to use abusive would be more accurat. I would go as far as saying that all bullies are abusers and their is never an excuse for their behaviour

I have never bullied anyone but experienced what I can now recognise as low level bullying in secondary school although at the time I didn't think it was bullying. I moved to the secondary school with one friend from primary school who very quickly fell in with the "popular girls". I was much quieter, enjoyed school and learning and did my best not to get in any trouble at school, no rule breaking, uniform always pristine which wasnt the norm at the school I went to in the late 90s where most kids were wearing their school ties short, short rolled up skirts etc, I guess the other kids just saw me as a bit odd . The other kids would generally just isolate me, not include me in conversations etc. but there was no specific name calling or physical bullying, which I think must have been influenced by the girl I moved up with in primary school who didn't have much to do with me anymore but stopped the "bullying group" from picking on me, she would still speak to me etc and she was the "leader" of that group so to speak.

There's a bullying problem at my DD's school, with my DD's friend group being the target, and pretty much the entire school joins in, including girls that I know well, and know they absolutely aren't awful people, they are nice, but they are terrified of becoming targets too so they join in (with the shunning side of things, they aren't shouting horrid things like others do but its still so hurtful). One girl didn't and she became a target too, this was even after she had joined in last school year, so those girls see what happened to her and don't want to risk it for themselves.

But who do you classify as bullies though? Would you class someone laughing at what the bully says and offering support/encouragement as a bully? Or is it just the ringleader? Because in my experience it was the supporters that hurt me a lot more than the instigator. I felt betrayed because these people had been nice to me in other contexts yet now they were laughing at me. Whereas I knew the ringleader was just a loose canon with her own issues. And I know I also supported bullies because I didn’t want to be the target and it seemed like being mean to people was the way to earn respect at my school (though very short-lived respect).

Yes that was pretty much my experience too. Maybe it depends on what school you go to but there are (or were in my day) many places with a strong culture of bullying. It was normalised. Nobody got expelled for it or even told off but it was there every day.

I really hope the children of bullies are bullied so the parents can see exactly how they've treated people and their long lasting effects.

I still live in my home town and I see some of them in town. I can't bear it and have had to leave shops when I've seen them. You can't help but look at their social media and they're all engaged/married and got kids. And then there's me, stuck in life knowing that I'll never have that.

I would love it if my high school bullies apologised to me because it means they've acknowledged it. I was never physically bullied but a group of mean girls in my form made everyone's life hell. They would constantly make fun of me but not exactly to my face. They'd be sitting at the table next to my table speaking so loudly and just being awful humans.

you'll always get bullies on these friends making excuses for their behaviour. They never take accountability and never acknowledge how messes up someone can be decades later. There is no excuse for bullying. It's usually the ones with a bad home life getting bullied than the one actually doing the bullying.

I detest bullies and I detest bystanders. I detest them even more when they work in the NHS. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with them, or why they behave like it or why they get away with it but they do. There’s certainly two different sides to them. The face and behaviour they show to the public and the face and behaviour they don’t show to the public. Nasty, vindictive people protected by those at the top. Some victims of bullying die by suicide but the bullies don’t care. Bullies only care about making others feel small and having a laugh at their expense. When one victim goes, they find another.

Nursing is supposed to be a caring profession but there is a culture of bullying. It starts from the top and filters down to the bottom.

“An independent culture review commissioned by the Nursing and Midwifery Council (NMC) (NMC) in July 2024 found the organization had a toxic culture marked by racism, discrimination, and bullying, leading to safeguarding concerns and the deaths of six people who had been under or recently concluded fitness to practise (FtP) investigations. The NMC's review, conducted by Nazir Afzal OBE and Rise Associates, accepted the report's recommendations for change, and the NMC has since published a comprehensive three-year culture transformation program to address these issues and establish a more positive and inclusive environment.”

https://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/health/top-nurse-leaves-job-after-31285526

I agree with this. A lot of bullies are just vile narcissists and never change. Like the bully in the other thread, they’re not sorry for the harm they caused but they do just want to have a chapter closed for them so they don’t have to feel guilty any more.

But I honestly think a lot of people join in with bullying because they’re weak and want an easy life, and want to fit in with a crowd and not be bullied themselves. And they’re able to temporarily push any empathy for their victim out of their minds when they’re joining in the bullying, only for it to resurface later. All bullies are cowards.

People can do disgusting things and feel genuine regret and shame later on. Lots of people do evil things as kids and still deserve redemption if they genuinely recognise the horror of their actions in a way that is not self serving - if they want to lead harmless and decent lives from now on. There are never excuses for bullying and they’re not entitled to their victims’ forgiveness. But I think you can behave in a horrible way as a kid and grow up enough to be a ‘nice’ person later.

Not been a bully, but I was bullied quite badly for most of y4. My teacher ended up getting the sack and the school apologising to my parents. Looking back now, still genuinely have no idea why they did it. It was a group of girls, who were popular and basically the whole class shunned me. We had been friends in y3 and were again in 5/6 but y4 was horrific. I think they got caught up in the group mentality and enjoyed the power they weilded over the rest of the class. There was a ringleader who the others were definitely scared of. In later years one of them told me she was scared she'd be next if she stood up for me/said something. I reckon a few of them felt like that.

The ringleader had a perfectly nice life, but was quite spoilt which didnt help her general outlook.

One of my bullies had a shit home life

Her and her brother came from a broken home and both parents had a string of new step mothers/fathers and the kids where an afterthought

My parents are married,had money,took us on holiday every year,own their home,my father had a new motorbike every 3 years,I had horse riding lessons and my parents didn't spend every night in the pub like hers did

She was jealous of my 'happy' home life-this is a girl who used to shit in adults shoes,lies spilled out of her mouth and she'd steal all the time from them

What she didn't know was it was all smoke and mirrors

My mother is a narcissist,my father enabled her in what torture she felt like inflicting at any one moment and she made me the scapegoat

They made me be a carer from a young age to my darling grandad (I lived with him from a young age) and that made me a target ('ewww,you wipe and old man's arse!')

They had money because they didn't spend it on us and if it hadn't have been for my grandad,I would have been even more neglected

He paid for my horse riding lessons and other essentials for me (it stopped when he died and i had to find money for food,san pro and school uniform/books)

We grew up and left school,both falling pregnant with our dds within months of each other-the father is her school boyfriend who would shove his hand between my legs and smirk and if he got a chance,he'd go for a nipple and squeeze (hes her perfect match)

They brought up their dd to be exactly the same as themselves,the dd bullied my dd just because she was my dd

At one point her dd grabbed my dd and pulled her shorts and pants down in front of the whole school,school suspended her and i was walking home with a shaken dd and heard the other mother telling her dd that she'd done a 'good job' and did she want a treat on the way home?

They are adults now and her dd is still the same and is dragging up her dc to be exactly the same as her parents

The mother is a mental health nurse now-but it's still there,bubbling away under the surface,I know she's bullied more than one person out of their jobs

So yes they may be unhappy and maybe neglected,but so was i and I've never bullied anyone in my life

Some people are a mix of sadness and pure evil

I was hauled in to the headteachers office for bullying once, in primary school. I was outraged at the injustice of it, as I genuinely didn’t, and don’t, believe it had been bullying but on reflection, I could see why the other girls mum had been upset enough by her version of events so as to complain to the school. I had been horrible to this girl often, but it was very much a two way street, started by her. I just hadn’t complained.
With that being said, it made me reflect on bullying and what side of that coin I really wanted to be on, and I made it my mission throughout secondary school, and beyond actually, to step in where I could and where necessary, and to include those who were being excluded or felt on the outs. I could still be a sharp tongued, sarcastic little cunt, but I like to think I helped one or two people along the way. I certainly don’t think I added to anyone’s misery anyway.

It still breaks my heart now, and I know it still bothers her.
The school were brilliant and dealt with it as soon as I spoke to them. They went to each girls lesson and pulled them out there and then. The bullying stopped immediately but they never really got any punishment for it and the damage was already done.
I just wanted to go to the school and slap them all!

I think, though, some people are viewing the idea that something unfortunate is causing the bully to behave in a certain way as an "excuse", when it absolutely isn't. It's a reason they need to look more carefully at why they are the way they are.

Saying some people are "just nasty" is far more of an exoneration. If they really are "just like that", I guess what can they do? But usually they aren't. Usually it is a misdirected attempt to make themselves feel better by making someone else's life worse. Or an attempt to scare people into leaving them alone by covering up the bete noir in their own life.

You see this with mums in nursery or early year's school groups. More often than not there is a subtle push at the outset- usually within days - to identify "the problem kid." This looks like a form of policing "kindness", but in fact it's just more bullying, again born from vulnerability. After years at the school gates, you start to realise the problem kid one year would have been nowhere near being problem kid in another class, but its somehow important to the parents to find one because if one isn't established there is a risk their own dc gets given that role. We are never more vulnerable than when our dc are vulnerable.

People are nasty because they have chosen an inappropriate outlet for what is really bothering them underneath. If people are encouraged to ask themselves what it is in their life that makes them feel the need to hurt others, it's a step on the right path to understanding that the bullying isn't the salve for that hurt. In fact, mostly it makes it worse, as bullying is very often a playing-out of self-loathing, or at the very least of buried insecurity.

Does that absolve the bully from responsibility? No, of course not, It points to the fact they need to work on themselves rather than hitting out. It pins the issue squarely as a "them" problem.

Yes, its certainly true that some people react very differently to sadness or difficulties in their own life; it makes them more empathetic.

You should feel proud that you fall on this side of the equation. I think its the genuinely stronger people who do - even though superficially they might appear less "fiesty."

Not sure I agree. I think behaviours like bullying tends to repeat itself. These things aren’t left at the school gate.

Anyone weak enough to have bullied is likely to feel weak again and resort to the same tactics again in later life, especially in the workplace and social groups.

So yes, some people can and should be defined by their bullying.