Did DP overreact?

[TipsyPlumUser]

My fiancé and I went to the pub after work yesterday, each just had one pint. We were on great form, talking about a venue we’ve found and are happy to wait for however long it takes to save for it. We have a lot of banter between us, eg he knows there’s certain things I find gross and he will enjoy saying them to watch my face.

His pet name for me is silly pants because I’m clumsy and make lots of faux pas all the time.

After the pub we went to the nearby supermarket. As we walked in he said ‘I really love this supermarket,’ to which I responded ‘good for you,’ and carried on prattling on.

He said ‘why do you always piss on my parade?’ I laughed as it’s the sort of thing we would say in response to the other as part of our silliness. But his face changed and he looked angry.

i was previously in a very abusive relationship- I had to spend time in refuge- and so the shift out of nowhere panicked me. I said ‘are you joking?’ And he directed us down a quiet aisle where he said I was pissing on his parade and he doesn’t like it. Again, not expecting any of it I said ‘are you being serious?’ Not in an incredulous tone, I was saying it in a ‘oh no, I didn’t mean it like that’ sort of tone… he paused, said ok, if you didn’t mean it you can give me a cuddle and a kiss to make up for it.

At that point I didn’t want to as none of what was going on made sense and I felt really unnerved. We walked to the car in silence and he only spoke to me as we pulled up outside the house. He does have form for that- only speaking to me before we get somewhere to smoothe it over, and his daughter was over last night.

When we got in I poured a wine and he said maybe I shouldn’t have a drink considering. I said I’m an adult and would like a glass. I said he made me feel like things from mv past and he said I should blame my past not him, he has to walk on eggshells etc.

i brought up how he also is too interested in my counselling sessions and if I tell him about something I find useful he will go online, research and debunk it. He said his degree was in psychology and it interests him.

was I completely out of order?

Well this sounds like a relationship that should definitely go to the next level and marry one another. Or not

I really love this supermarket,’ to which I responded ‘good for you,’ and carried on prattling on.

what a peculiar response from you. Rude actually .

When we got in I poured a wine and he said maybe I shouldn’t have a drink considering. I said I’m an adult and would like a glass.

difficult to comment but it is concerning that you were stressed and your immediate response is to drink alcohol

how old is his daughter ?

It's a fucking supermarket. If anyone said, 'I really love Asda' to me, my face would be 'ok then!'

I think it’s hard to advise. If you felt uncomfortable, then you felt that. But I do wonder how much of that is because of your history and how much is the dynamic of your current relationship.

My instinct initially would be to say you ribbed him and he took offence, but then he was happy to dissipate the situation where you wanted to drag it over the evening.

What did you "carry on prattling on" about?

You absolutely cannot bring up your past relationship and judge him by it. That’s your issue to sort. It’s a red line. He cannot go through his life having to be careful he doesn’t say something which you take the wrong way.

Your response to his comment was flippant and rude, despite his comment being weird about loving the supermarket. Him demanded a hug and kiss when you were feeling off was out of line. And silent treatment over something so small is also out of line.

Just doesn’t sound like you get really get on. Someone has mentioned your previous threads and hinted that this is a bad relationship. Maybe you should reflect on that?

On the face of it, you were being jokey and he got offended. Not necessarily a big deal but he made it one. Does he really think you always piss on his parade? Silent treatment is a big red flag. Debunking what you say isn't great. Are these indicative of his general attitude to you do you think?

If he has a psychology degree, he should know NOT to try to weasel out what you're saying in your counseling sessions. He doesn't respect confidentiality and that is a giant, giant red flag. I think he's trying to find out if you've recognized he's emotionally abusive yet.

His debunking of techniques you find useful is also another giant red flag. He's tearing something you find supportive down.

He doesn't respect your autonomy, shown by him negging you having a simple drink after you got home. Also shown by his trying to find out what you're talking about about in counseling. Also shown by him enjoying saying gross things you don't like to see your reaction.

His saying he has to walk on eggshells was what is called DARVO. It's a technique used by abusive people to play the victim. I hardly see him walking on eggshells when he's saying gross things to you he knows you don't like and tearing down techniques you've found supportive.

His change of face in the supermarket, my thoughts are he thought you were a bit rude and he's trying to scare you

You need boundaries with this guy ASAP. No questions about your counseling. Those sessions are private. Do not share anything about that with him. Those are private. You can't be really open in the session if you have to worry about reporting to your fiance after.

I think you've found another abuser who hides it better. He negs you, he tramples your boundaries, he's controlling, he tries to tear down your supports. I think he'll try to stop your counseling at some point.

I'd be gone.

I think it’s reasonable to be irritated by your comment, even if you do normally have that sort of rapport. My husband is very jokey but it drives me mad at certain points - sometimes, I would just like a normal, boring chat without the need to insert stupid jokes everywhere.

However I think this issue is a red herring - I am actually really concerned by the other things in your post. I have a hunch that your partner is a wrongun.

I think @outerspacepotato has completely hit the nail on the head. He's shitting himself that your counselling is going to show him up for the abusive twat he really is. And he was definitely trying to scare you by doing the emotional switch flick. I remember that kind of thing well and just how scary it was to be on constant tenterhooks in case he all of a sudden did a switch. Please be careful and I'd definitely be getting ready to leave

She’s over 18

just the one child?

i don’t think so, not in the context and he said while was talking so I said it as an off the cuff response to him jumping in with something random while I was answering a question about his children’s logistics

Op, if you are absolutely honest, and no judgement, do you have a history with leaning on wind when you’re pissed off about something and for it spiralling?

He had asked me a question about his children’s logistics, I was answering that when he made the comment about the supermarket so I just continued on

I don’t know what this means

Having looked at your other threads, I think you need to just hit pause on this relationship. You've been through one hell of a lot. This guy doesn't seem to be helping does he? Keep on with the counselling. Look after yourself. Maybe consider knocking the drinking on the head for a while too?

The background on your relationshit 😯

He's also controlling as in doesn't want you to have a night out with coworkers and sexually coercive.

Run.

He does have form for that- only speaking to me before we get somewhere to smoothe it over

That's your answer OP. If you get the silent treatment a lot then you are in another abusive relationship. Just a different type of abuse but still psychologically as bad. It is a known thing that an abused woman has a high chance of walking into another abusive relationship unless she does extensive therapy. Start with The Freedom Programme and find some boundaries.

No, it isn’t fucking concerning. And neither was the OP rude to jokingly say ‘good for you’ when her fiancé praised a bloody supermarket. It’s a completely normal bit of jokey conversation that normal couple would have.

OP, your fiancé’s behaviour worries me. He sounds manipulative and controlling. I’m particularly worried about his over-interest in your therapy and the fact that he constantly wants to undermine the progress you and your therapist have made by proving it ‘wrong’ with his ‘research’. That’s a really insidious form of control/manipulation. Particularly from a man who knows you have been in an abusive relationship.

Not mad keen on him highlighting your clumsiness/occasional mistakes by calling you ‘silly pants’ either.

If I were in your shoes I would be thinking very carefully about whether I carried on with this relationship because I think you’ve spotted some red flags here.

You’ve started multiple threads about this relationship.

You really shouldn’t consider marrying someone you need to start multiple threads about.

@TipsyPlumUser I've just seen your other threads about your relationship.

OP, your partner is not a good man. Please, please end this relationship. He is controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

You have only been out ONCE without him in your two-year relationship, which was with colleagues, and he 'needed a lot of reassurance' before he 'let' you go, and then got angry with you because you got home at 9pm rather than 8pm.

He doesn't respect your boundaries and privacy at all - eg, you didn't want his teenagers wandering into your tent without knocking because you have a health condition you wanted privacy for, and he refused because you have to be 'mum and dad' (even though they're almost adults and you've only been with him two years) and that apparently means you aren't allowed any privacy for yourself from them, ever.

When you are struggling with your PTSD, instead of being comforting you he keeps on and on at you to make you talk about it even though that makes you worse, and then gets angry when you tell him to stop.

When you don't want sex with him, he gets angry and tells you that you have to have sex because he claims that making a jokey / flirty comment earlier in the day equates to a promise of sex that night and that therefore you are 'teasing' him by not having sex later - and coincidentally you've noticed that he mostly does this after you've been at a family event together. So basically he becomes sexually possessive and manipulative every time you spend time with anyone who isn't him.

Oh, and he also regularly gives you the silent treatment and generally patronises you and treats you like a child.

You've had a horrifically abusive relationship and you also had a horrifically abusive and chaotic childhood. He knows this and he is deliberately preying on your vulnerabilities. He is a vile man.

Please, please, please leave him. He's controlling and abusive in a horribly manipulative way and you should absolutely NOT be marrying him. Seriously.

I just glanced through your other threads and from a brief look:

• he expects you to pack for his kids on holidays and let’s them go through your things
• he is a sex pest
• he gives you silent treatment

Is it possible that you are more in love with the idea of getting married than in love with him?

why?