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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did DP overreact?

89 replies

TipsyPlumUser · 10/09/2025 15:07

My fiancé and I went to the pub after work yesterday, each just had one pint. We were on great form, talking about a venue we’ve found and are happy to wait for however long it takes to save for it. We have a lot of banter between us, eg he knows there’s certain things I find gross and he will enjoy saying them to watch my face.

His pet name for me is silly pants because I’m clumsy and make lots of faux pas all the time.

After the pub we went to the nearby supermarket. As we walked in he said ‘I really love this supermarket,’ to which I responded ‘good for you,’ and carried on prattling on.

He said ‘why do you always piss on my parade?’ I laughed as it’s the sort of thing we would say in response to the other as part of our silliness. But his face changed and he looked angry.

i was previously in a very abusive relationship- I had to spend time in refuge- and so the shift out of nowhere panicked me. I said ‘are you joking?’ And he directed us down a quiet aisle where he said I was pissing on his parade and he doesn’t like it. Again, not expecting any of it I said ‘are you being serious?’ Not in an incredulous tone, I was saying it in a ‘oh no, I didn’t mean it like that’ sort of tone… he paused, said ok, if you didn’t mean it you can give me a cuddle and a kiss to make up for it.

At that point I didn’t want to as none of what was going on made sense and I felt really unnerved. We walked to the car in silence and he only spoke to me as we pulled up outside the house. He does have form for that- only speaking to me before we get somewhere to smoothe it over, and his daughter was over last night.

When we got in I poured a wine and he said maybe I shouldn’t have a drink considering. I said I’m an adult and would like a glass. I said he made me feel like things from mv past and he said I should blame my past not him, he has to walk on eggshells etc.

i brought up how he also is too interested in my counselling sessions and if I tell him about something I find useful he will go online, research and debunk it. He said his degree was in psychology and it interests him.

was I completely out of order?

OP posts:

ByAgileLemonPoet · 12/09/2025 23:31

valentinka31 · 12/09/2025 22:19

hm I wouldn't. I'm a softie. I'd hold on to his arm and say aw that's so sweet, yeah I do too.

I really would.

I can see why he felt what you said was a bit of a put down, tbh. And he tried to say he felt kind of humiliated and wanted a hug and you just didn't respond. Then at home you went straight for the wine.

Sorry OP but I do get him. And him analysing what you've been through, I think that's amazing of him. He wants to understand, support, be there for you.

:( he sounds pretty great to me.

Show quote history

Pretty grim more like

ByAgileLemonPoet · 12/09/2025 23:34

BauhausOfEliott · 10/09/2025 17:10

@TipsyPlumUser I've just seen your other threads about your relationship.

OP, your partner is not a good man. Please, please end this relationship. He is controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

You have only been out ONCE without him in your two-year relationship, which was with colleagues, and he 'needed a lot of reassurance' before he 'let' you go, and then got angry with you because you got home at 9pm rather than 8pm.

He doesn't respect your boundaries and privacy at all - eg, you didn't want his teenagers wandering into your tent without knocking because you have a health condition you wanted privacy for, and he refused because you have to be 'mum and dad' (even though they're almost adults and you've only been with him two years) and that apparently means you aren't allowed any privacy for yourself from them, ever.

When you are struggling with your PTSD, instead of being comforting you he keeps on and on at you to make you talk about it even though that makes you worse, and then gets angry when you tell him to stop.

When you don't want sex with him, he gets angry and tells you that you have to have sex because he claims that making a jokey / flirty comment earlier in the day equates to a promise of sex that night and that therefore you are 'teasing' him by not having sex later - and coincidentally you've noticed that he mostly does this after you've been at a family event together. So basically he becomes sexually possessive and manipulative every time you spend time with anyone who isn't him.

Oh, and he also regularly gives you the silent treatment and generally patronises you and treats you like a child.

You've had a horrifically abusive relationship and you also had a horrifically abusive and chaotic childhood. He knows this and he is deliberately preying on your vulnerabilities. He is a vile man.

Please, please, please leave him. He's controlling and abusive in a horribly manipulative way and you should absolutely NOT be marrying him. Seriously.

This OP. Read it again and again until it sinks in.

realsavagelike · 12/09/2025 23:54

outerspacepotato · 10/09/2025 15:29

If he has a psychology degree, he should know NOT to try to weasel out what you're saying in your counseling sessions. He doesn't respect confidentiality and that is a giant, giant red flag. I think he's trying to find out if you've recognized he's emotionally abusive yet.

His debunking of techniques you find useful is also another giant red flag. He's tearing something you find supportive down.

He doesn't respect your autonomy, shown by him negging you having a simple drink after you got home. Also shown by his trying to find out what you're talking about about in counseling. Also shown by him enjoying saying gross things you don't like to see your reaction.

His saying he has to walk on eggshells was what is called DARVO. It's a technique used by abusive people to play the victim. I hardly see him walking on eggshells when he's saying gross things to you he knows you don't like and tearing down techniques you've found supportive.

His change of face in the supermarket, my thoughts are he thought you were a bit rude and he's trying to scare you

You need boundaries with this guy ASAP. No questions about your counseling. Those sessions are private. Do not share anything about that with him. Those are private. You can't be really open in the session if you have to worry about reporting to your fiance after.

I think you've found another abuser who hides it better. He negs you, he tramples your boundaries, he's controlling, he tries to tear down your supports. I think he'll try to stop your counseling at some point.

I'd be gone.

Your first paragraph resonates! I started seeing a counsellor when I was planning my exit strategy to leave my covert narcissist exh. I hadn't discussed with exh my reasons for going to counselling, but when I got home from my first session, the first thing he said to me was "So - when are you divorcing me?". I'm sure his main concern was that I would get confirmation that he was abusive. Sadly for him, it did absolutely nothing to incentivize him to change his behaviour. In fact, in retrospect I'm certain he wanted out a long time before that but used the abuse to push me into leaving, as his ego cannot handle looking like the bad guy under any circumstance (but that's a whole other discussion).

Pallisers · 12/09/2025 23:55

valentinka31 · 12/09/2025 23:08

Raise your bloody standards! I refuse to be spoken to in such a rude way, and to have my reasonable opinion mocked. By you.

OP gave him the brush off to start with, as I read it. She belittled him and went for the wine. And I personally would love it if a partner was interested enough in my emotional wellbeing to try to understand what I'd been through and how the counselling was working.

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How does that work - refusing to be spoken to in such a rude way? Do the words go back? Is there a law?

Tbh I can't understand why you aren't telling the poster she is a sweetie and trying to get her to like you. Is it only men that works with?

realsavagelike · 13/09/2025 00:04

valentinka31 · 12/09/2025 23:08

Raise your bloody standards! I refuse to be spoken to in such a rude way, and to have my reasonable opinion mocked. By you.

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😝That's so cute that you think OP's partner is the least bit interested in her emotional wellbeing. He is an irredeemable busybody looking out for his own self preservation.

PollyBell · 13/09/2025 00:14

Why on earth are you wanting to marry him? I could write and essay but it is simple

Imbusytodaysorry · 13/09/2025 00:19

@TipsyPlumUser he can dish it out but can’t take it back !
Honestly he’s a narcissist . Who is insecure as hell.
Asking about your counseling getting to your vulnerabilities then using it against you . He doesn’t want you having strength as his ego couldn’t take it and you would maybe see sense and leave him.

Id end this . He is bad news

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/09/2025 00:40

Just because he isnt as bad as the first abuser was, doesnt mean that he isnt an abuser.

Run away.

Ilovegrantnicholas · 13/09/2025 07:59

This has really upset me as it is all so familiar. This is how it starts and it will get far far worse. Please leave him now. PLEASE.

pinkyredrose · 13/09/2025 11:44

I remember your other threads, why are you still with this arsehole?

What's your housing situation, in joint names, his/yours?

LibbyOTV · 13/09/2025 20:52

Silverbirchleaf · 12/09/2025 19:52

‘Good for you’ is quite a patronising response. I can understand why he got upset at this. It’s quite dismissive and implies that his opinion doesn’t really count for anything.

Saying 'good for you' is not a big deal though! It sounds like it was part of the vibe. If I said that my BF might say fuck off and laugh, or be a bit hurt and even sulk a tiny bit (but most likely just laugh!) but OP's partner escalated the situation quickly and scarily - while knowing her history. Really odd and off behaviour I think.

Your comment @Silverbirchleafwould make anyone worry about walking on eggshells around a man that sensitive, but even more so a former DV survivor. You're the one who maybe should watch their words? No on should worry about their partner's reaction after an off the cuff reaction like that...

Haven't read your other threads OP but what others have written sounds concerning and the counselling thing is HUGE red flag to me. So disrespectful and underming - esp considering your history.

Valeriekat · 13/09/2025 21:54

Juicymed · 10/09/2025 15:11

Well this sounds like a relationship that should definitely go to the next level and marry one another. Or not

I really love this supermarket,’ to which I responded ‘good for you,’ and carried on prattling on.

what a peculiar response from you. Rude actually .

If my husband told me he loved a supermarket I’d think he was bonkers!

Valeriekat · 13/09/2025 22:01

Ymiryboo · 12/09/2025 18:57

Hmm I can see both sides. I can see you probably didn’t mean any harm and probably thought nothing of him sharing that with you.

However, as some one who really struggles to let people in and show the more vulnerable side of myself and interests “men shouldn’t have” I see it was him opening up to you and feeling hurt and closed down and probably a bit silly for enjoying or having a fav supermarket.

You need to communicate with each other and be vulnerable with each other, if you can’t then I would suggest marriage is a bad idea.

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I love this supermarket! You think that is how a man shows his vulnerable nature?

Ymiryboo · 13/09/2025 22:06

Valeriekat · 13/09/2025 22:01

I love this supermarket! You think that is how a man shows his vulnerable nature?

Show quote history

It could be, it’s a window isn’t it? Not the whole picture.

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