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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did DP overreact?

89 replies

TipsyPlumUser · 10/09/2025 15:07

My fiancé and I went to the pub after work yesterday, each just had one pint. We were on great form, talking about a venue we’ve found and are happy to wait for however long it takes to save for it. We have a lot of banter between us, eg he knows there’s certain things I find gross and he will enjoy saying them to watch my face.

His pet name for me is silly pants because I’m clumsy and make lots of faux pas all the time.

After the pub we went to the nearby supermarket. As we walked in he said ‘I really love this supermarket,’ to which I responded ‘good for you,’ and carried on prattling on.

He said ‘why do you always piss on my parade?’ I laughed as it’s the sort of thing we would say in response to the other as part of our silliness. But his face changed and he looked angry.

i was previously in a very abusive relationship- I had to spend time in refuge- and so the shift out of nowhere panicked me. I said ‘are you joking?’ And he directed us down a quiet aisle where he said I was pissing on his parade and he doesn’t like it. Again, not expecting any of it I said ‘are you being serious?’ Not in an incredulous tone, I was saying it in a ‘oh no, I didn’t mean it like that’ sort of tone… he paused, said ok, if you didn’t mean it you can give me a cuddle and a kiss to make up for it.

At that point I didn’t want to as none of what was going on made sense and I felt really unnerved. We walked to the car in silence and he only spoke to me as we pulled up outside the house. He does have form for that- only speaking to me before we get somewhere to smoothe it over, and his daughter was over last night.

When we got in I poured a wine and he said maybe I shouldn’t have a drink considering. I said I’m an adult and would like a glass. I said he made me feel like things from mv past and he said I should blame my past not him, he has to walk on eggshells etc.

i brought up how he also is too interested in my counselling sessions and if I tell him about something I find useful he will go online, research and debunk it. He said his degree was in psychology and it interests him.

was I completely out of order?

OP posts:
AmyDuPlantier · 12/09/2025 18:20

This relationship sounds like it treads a fine line between ‘banter’ and ‘being dicks to each other while smiling’.

GiveDogBone · 12/09/2025 18:21

I see the man-haters are out in force in this thread. You basically belittled him, refused to show him a tiny amount of affection as an apology and then headed straight for the bottle when you returned home. And that’s all his fault, somehow.

But please do take their advice to dump him, he’d be so much better off with you.

WatchingTheDetective · 12/09/2025 18:23

@GiveDogBone How to tell us you haven't read her previous threads without actually saying so.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 12/09/2025 18:42

outerspacepotato · 10/09/2025 15:29

If he has a psychology degree, he should know NOT to try to weasel out what you're saying in your counseling sessions. He doesn't respect confidentiality and that is a giant, giant red flag. I think he's trying to find out if you've recognized he's emotionally abusive yet.

His debunking of techniques you find useful is also another giant red flag. He's tearing something you find supportive down.

He doesn't respect your autonomy, shown by him negging you having a simple drink after you got home. Also shown by his trying to find out what you're talking about about in counseling. Also shown by him enjoying saying gross things you don't like to see your reaction.

His saying he has to walk on eggshells was what is called DARVO. It's a technique used by abusive people to play the victim. I hardly see him walking on eggshells when he's saying gross things to you he knows you don't like and tearing down techniques you've found supportive.

His change of face in the supermarket, my thoughts are he thought you were a bit rude and he's trying to scare you

You need boundaries with this guy ASAP. No questions about your counseling. Those sessions are private. Do not share anything about that with him. Those are private. You can't be really open in the session if you have to worry about reporting to your fiance after.

I think you've found another abuser who hides it better. He negs you, he tramples your boundaries, he's controlling, he tries to tear down your supports. I think he'll try to stop your counseling at some point.

I'd be gone.

^ This!

The fact he has a psychology degree I find quite frightening given the circumstances. Did he do that just to learn how to hide his true nature?

I certainly wouldn’t be looking to marry the man at this stage as it sounds like, with that on the cards, he is beginning to ramp up control. I would put a pause on proceedings for now.

BeltaLodaLife · 12/09/2025 18:43

@GiveDogBone

Within the space of 6 minutes, you’ve jumped onto two threads and called all the other posters man haters. Without actually reading what’s being said, or taking anything on board. Because you couldn’t possible have actually absorbed the information in both these threads over just a few minutes before starting the “man hater” comments. How many other times have you used that phrase? What is your agenda?

BeltaLodaLife · 12/09/2025 18:50

@GiveDogBone
Your posting history shows that you enjoy often calling people man haters and using phrases like psycho bitch. That’s enough information about your character really, isn’t it?
Hopefully everyone just ignores you.

Ymiryboo · 12/09/2025 18:57

TipsyPlumUser · 10/09/2025 15:07

My fiancé and I went to the pub after work yesterday, each just had one pint. We were on great form, talking about a venue we’ve found and are happy to wait for however long it takes to save for it. We have a lot of banter between us, eg he knows there’s certain things I find gross and he will enjoy saying them to watch my face.

His pet name for me is silly pants because I’m clumsy and make lots of faux pas all the time.

After the pub we went to the nearby supermarket. As we walked in he said ‘I really love this supermarket,’ to which I responded ‘good for you,’ and carried on prattling on.

He said ‘why do you always piss on my parade?’ I laughed as it’s the sort of thing we would say in response to the other as part of our silliness. But his face changed and he looked angry.

i was previously in a very abusive relationship- I had to spend time in refuge- and so the shift out of nowhere panicked me. I said ‘are you joking?’ And he directed us down a quiet aisle where he said I was pissing on his parade and he doesn’t like it. Again, not expecting any of it I said ‘are you being serious?’ Not in an incredulous tone, I was saying it in a ‘oh no, I didn’t mean it like that’ sort of tone… he paused, said ok, if you didn’t mean it you can give me a cuddle and a kiss to make up for it.

At that point I didn’t want to as none of what was going on made sense and I felt really unnerved. We walked to the car in silence and he only spoke to me as we pulled up outside the house. He does have form for that- only speaking to me before we get somewhere to smoothe it over, and his daughter was over last night.

When we got in I poured a wine and he said maybe I shouldn’t have a drink considering. I said I’m an adult and would like a glass. I said he made me feel like things from mv past and he said I should blame my past not him, he has to walk on eggshells etc.

i brought up how he also is too interested in my counselling sessions and if I tell him about something I find useful he will go online, research and debunk it. He said his degree was in psychology and it interests him.

was I completely out of order?

Hmm I can see both sides. I can see you probably didn’t mean any harm and probably thought nothing of him sharing that with you.

However, as some one who really struggles to let people in and show the more vulnerable side of myself and interests “men shouldn’t have” I see it was him opening up to you and feeling hurt and closed down and probably a bit silly for enjoying or having a fav supermarket.

You need to communicate with each other and be vulnerable with each other, if you can’t then I would suggest marriage is a bad idea.

Mandemikc · 12/09/2025 19:00

outerspacepotato · 10/09/2025 15:29

If he has a psychology degree, he should know NOT to try to weasel out what you're saying in your counseling sessions. He doesn't respect confidentiality and that is a giant, giant red flag. I think he's trying to find out if you've recognized he's emotionally abusive yet.

His debunking of techniques you find useful is also another giant red flag. He's tearing something you find supportive down.

He doesn't respect your autonomy, shown by him negging you having a simple drink after you got home. Also shown by his trying to find out what you're talking about about in counseling. Also shown by him enjoying saying gross things you don't like to see your reaction.

His saying he has to walk on eggshells was what is called DARVO. It's a technique used by abusive people to play the victim. I hardly see him walking on eggshells when he's saying gross things to you he knows you don't like and tearing down techniques you've found supportive.

His change of face in the supermarket, my thoughts are he thought you were a bit rude and he's trying to scare you

You need boundaries with this guy ASAP. No questions about your counseling. Those sessions are private. Do not share anything about that with him. Those are private. You can't be really open in the session if you have to worry about reporting to your fiance after.

I think you've found another abuser who hides it better. He negs you, he tramples your boundaries, he's controlling, he tries to tear down your supports. I think he'll try to stop your counseling at some point.

I'd be gone.

Holy hell did you get everything wrong. 👏👏

NoPrivateSpy · 12/09/2025 19:01

There are alarms bells for me in the way you have described the encounter. On the face of it, it could be someone on a bad day but I am assuming you also have alarm bells which is why you are asking the questions?

Please trust your gut on this. Good relationships shouldn’t be this difficult and you shouldn’t need to second guess small things that you say or do all the time.

I am so sorry for your last relationship and experiences growing up 💐

Donttellempike · 12/09/2025 19:01

Juicymed · 10/09/2025 15:42

Op, if you are absolutely honest, and no judgement, do you have a history with leaning on wind when you’re pissed off about something and for it spiralling?

Missing the point much

Donttellempike · 12/09/2025 19:04

I think you’ve got another horror here OP, you have instinct for a reason. Listen to it.

His behavior around your counselling is a massive red flag. Without everything else.

Do the freedom program if you haven’t already.

AgnesX · 12/09/2025 19:12

By the sounds of things you're looking for a) an excuse to get out of the relationship or b) for reassurance and for everyone to say it's really ok.

Abandon the idea of a wedding and a)

whimsicallyprickly · 12/09/2025 19:14

I wouldn't date anyone who called me Silly Pants because I make a lot of mistakes

I would find that patronising, judgemental and unkind

I think he is a nasty man

Shoulderss · 12/09/2025 19:15

Sounds like you need to hit the dump button.
You are in another controlling abusive relationship.
He is showing you who he is.
Your gut is warning you.

Start listening to it.

Megifer · 12/09/2025 19:17

He sounds like a proper melt op

Itiswhysofew · 12/09/2025 19:24

Juicymed · 10/09/2025 15:41

just the one child?

Show quote history

Silent treatment and wanting to debunk you. This doesnt sound good.

pinkyredrose · 12/09/2025 19:38

GiveDogBone · 12/09/2025 18:21

I see the man-haters are out in force in this thread. You basically belittled him, refused to show him a tiny amount of affection as an apology and then headed straight for the bottle when you returned home. And that’s all his fault, somehow.

But please do take their advice to dump him, he’d be so much better off with you.

Are you a man?

Owly11 · 12/09/2025 19:50

The way you talk about your fiancé and the relationship feels a bit weird. Eg ‘we were on great form’ sounds a bit jarring. Replying ‘ good for you’ to him saying he loved the supermarket sounds dismissive. However the way he talks to you also sounds weird. My instinct is that this relationship sounds toxic and not very nice. If I were you I wouldn’t get married to this guy.

Silverbirchleaf · 12/09/2025 19:52

‘Good for you’ is quite a patronising response. I can understand why he got upset at this. It’s quite dismissive and implies that his opinion doesn’t really count for anything.

Pregnancyquestion · 12/09/2025 19:54

You obviously don’t think ‘good for you’ is not rude otherwise you wouldn’t have said it,

If someone said that to me, and I would say something stupid like I love this supermarket, if I’m in m&s and looking for some random lovely foods I might say something similar. And if I was saying it authentically and someone said ‘good for you’ I’d probably feel a bit cut and embarrassed. It’s deffo something that’s said with an eye roll.

His reaction probably was OTT, saying you always rain on his parade - unless you do? Maybe reflect just in case. I then think you probably did react badly due to you past which is fair enough. I’d probably not try and bring it up in an argument. Better to have a calm conversation about what you may find triggering. Saying it then almost accuses him of abuse

Petrolitis · 12/09/2025 19:55

I remember your tent thread OP.

You need to end things. This man is abusive

HelpMeUnpickThis · 12/09/2025 20:01

@TipsyPlumUser

Were you or both of you drinking on an empty stomach?

Also - is your username relevant? Like someone else mentioned, when stressed you went straight in to pour a glass of wine. Is all ok with you in that respect?

Your "good for you" comment was a bit weird.

Northquit · 12/09/2025 20:05

Is it too late to get untangled from him.

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 12/09/2025 20:15

Most of the people commenting won’t recognise this behaviour (I’m glad about that). I think he is a covert narc and I think you should tell your therapist about these interactions to get their opinion. Silly pants is a very infantile nickname and because you are clumsy it’s a way of deriding you for that but in a way that you think is okay - he doesn’t want to lose you until it’s too late. Commenting on you having a wine after one pint is implying you have a problem, covert narcs will use anything to make you feel crap. I am completely teetotal but I cannot see a problem with this amount of alcohol, she’s his daughter not yours and you are not yet married, unless you are 6st I doubt that you would be incapable of being a responsible adult after 2-3 drinks when her Dad is also in the house. The debunking of a professional opinion is also a narc trait, for example I have been told by a narc that I probably don’t need medication for a disorder that I was likely born with (diagnosed in 20’s) and in the history of medical research has never been reversed by any method but narcs think they know better than anyone. Lastly, the silent treatment and then expecting you to be fine is textbook narcissism. It is a term thrown around a lot but I have lived this. Keep a note (mental if needs be) and speak to the therapist please.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/09/2025 20:16

I haven't read your other threads, but
you are not going to marry him - are you !