Considering becoming a single parent

[SophieFTM887]

I have a 1 year old and my relationship is breaking down terribly. Partly his fault for not being as helpful as I'd like him to be and partly me for being an overly emotional perfectionist bitch. Neither of us is coming out of this like an angel.

He's been away a few times since baby was born and I managed just fine. I guess I'm just looking for opinions, did you regret leaving?

He'll be a pretty involved Disney dad, I'm sure he'll have him a couple of nights a month which would be an amazing break for me. There wouldn't be another adult to consider, tidy up after, resent for not stepping up. I'm financially independent and working full time already.

I'd have to sell the house (it's mine) and buy a much smaller place for me and DS but there wouldn't be a mortgage so I would take a job that's easy on the hours.

Technically, we could make these adjustments together which would remove some of the stresses on me but I resent him too much.

What if he asks for 50/50? Would you prepared for that?

You say breaking.g up not divorced so I assume you're not married? Otherwise he'd quite possibly get half the house too. You sound somewhat cold about it all. This is your child's family and father you're talking about.

It would mean less time with DS which is a bit sad but so much more time for me. I don't dare hope for that.

He is actually really good with DS and I think he would really step up if I wasn't there. I'm not worried about DS's wellbeing or safety.

We're not married, thankfully. Yes, I am quite cold about it. I don't care about him anymore tbh.

But then again I'm his son's mother and he hasn't really shown me any care so not sure why I should care?

Sounds like you have made your mind up already! 😊

I wouldn't make a big decision like this when you have a very young child if it's just everyday irritations. A baby is like a bomb going off in your relationship. You might feel differently in 6 months.
Did you like him before the baby? How unhelpful is he? Is it forgetting to put out the bins or ignoring you all day or somewhere in between? Hard to know how reasonable you are being without more context.

It would mean less time with DS which is a bit sad but so much more time for me.

Never mind your partner, you don't sound too bothered about the baby either.

Perhaps time to speak with a professional, could you still be subject to pnd?

@Airbnbhelp2025 somewhere in between. He goes through stages of being dad and partner of the year, then gets bored and does his own thing more and more, until we reach breaking point, we have an argument and he steps up again. He's had 3 week long holidays in the first 12 months of this child's life while I've had none.

He's better than many of my friends' husbands. But at least their useless twats make good money and provide something. I'm the main earner by far, work full time and do pretty much everything. The resentment is eating me up.

I’m in your boat now. Husband has been away for what was supposed to be 5 days, then a week, and now will be 12 days when he returns tomorrow (for work) and - rather than feeling peed off with the unexpected delays - I’ve enjoyed my time alone with DD and found my flat a less messy, chaotic, and stressful place to be. Oops.

Oh I'm definitely depressed. I cry most days. When I don't cry, I'm angry. But that would magically go away with some sleep, some rest and some help. Unfortunately I don't get much of any of those.

If doing all the parenting 28 days a month, while he has DC 2 nights is considered "an amazing break", it sounds like he's more them a bit unhelpful. Is he doing any of the parenting now?

If doing all the parenting 28 days a month, while he has DC 2 nights is considered "an amazing break", it sounds like he's more them a bit unhelpful. Is he doing any of the parenting now?

I still remember the sense of relief and a massive load of resentment lifting off me when I split up. We didn’t even have a nasty relationship and remained friends but he was doing nothing except drain me.

He watches DS a lot while I'm there so I can get on with chores/work around and he helps with bedtime. Plays with DS a lot.

He's never been alone with him for more than two hours (very ocasionally), has never done bedtime and has never, not once, taken him out on his own. Never bought him anything. Never taken him to a dr appointment by himself (he has tagged along with me a few times to be fair)

Why would you have to sell the house if it’s yours?

High mortgage. I have plenty of equity to take out and buy a flat for me and DS outright, then I could reduce my hours to manage being a single parent better.

Okay, that sounds very sensible

I left my ex when ds was 2. By then he'd changed three nappies, not got up at night once. He had become controlling and was drinking a lot. I tried for two years to get him to behave decently but eventually gave up.

I moved with DS into a one bed flat. The relief was immediate. I could relax. No more drunkenness. No conflict. I was able to establish a calm happy routine with ds. I got more sleep. I felt like I had come out of exhaustion.

Financially it was tight. Ex chose to threaten & bluster. Financially he tried to starve us back.

I've never regretted leaving. DS is now a happy confident 17, and lovely. He sees his dad for about 6 hours a week and is nothing like him.

I don't think you'll regret it either OP

Are you REALLY an "overly emotional perfectionist bitch" as you describe yourself or is he just a bit crap and puts a lot on you and you're pissed off?

Three week long holidays on his own in the first year of your child's life is very generous on him.....

Sounds like if you split up, there's a chance he will step up, otherwise he will leave it on you and keep taking holidays

The courts only give out 50/50 when this president has already been set. Courts are likely to order EOW and 1/2 evenings a week provided you are the primary carer and did the maternity leave etc

Hmmm yes, is this description of yourself because he gaslights you maybe??

I'd definitely leave at this point, you're already doing everything anyway, so all he's added is deadweight. Even if he were to get his act together and take on an equal share, you'll always look at him and know he didn't have your back during the hardest bit, so you'll never feel like a parenting team.

I was scrolling through waiting for this post. OP you haven't performed 'I need to be with my child every minute of the day' convincingly enough. Instead you've calmly admitted you are not the only one who can meet your child's needs and that they have another perfectly capable parent, and that you can see some upsides in sharing parenting. Cue diagnosis of PND.

I'd be depressed dragging around this deadweight too. And I bet you're not actually an emotional bitch; just poorly partnered.

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I chose to do the same and it was the best thing I ever did!