Considering becoming a single parent

[SophieFTM887]

I have a 1 year old and my relationship is breaking down terribly. Partly his fault for not being as helpful as I'd like him to be and partly me for being an overly emotional perfectionist bitch. Neither of us is coming out of this like an angel.

He's been away a few times since baby was born and I managed just fine. I guess I'm just looking for opinions, did you regret leaving?

He'll be a pretty involved Disney dad, I'm sure he'll have him a couple of nights a month which would be an amazing break for me. There wouldn't be another adult to consider, tidy up after, resent for not stepping up. I'm financially independent and working full time already.

I'd have to sell the house (it's mine) and buy a much smaller place for me and DS but there wouldn't be a mortgage so I would take a job that's easy on the hours.

Technically, we could make these adjustments together which would remove some of the stresses on me but I resent him too much.

How would you feel if he doesn’t step up with DS and actually never has him over night? Leaving the relationship sounds like the right choice regardless, but single parenting with no breaks ever is really hard. Have you got family around to help?

Do you think it might be worth having a break? Just you and a few days away to relax/catch up on sleep etc? If he’s had a holiday, surely you can? Might do you the world of good and help you make a decision on a clear head

I left when my kids were 2 and 3. I should have left earlier but kept getting told it would be better to leave when they were older or when this or that happened or to just try and see if it got better. It didn't it got way worse. In hindsight I should have left when I found out I was pregnant with number 2, I was about to leave with my oldest and then stopped because I didn't think I'd manage with 2 on my own. His neglect and emotional/financial abuse really killed my mental health. We've been free 6 years now and I've never regretted my decision. Life is easier and better and I wasn't as well financially set up as you'd be

Do it.
I have found it (largely) very satisfactory.
Yes there are the moments when you want to howl, but not nearly as much as having to deal with a grown up child as well as your actual child.

Long, long term single parent here. There are plus points 100%. No resentment probably being the top one as you are ultimately responsible for everything and as long as you are happy with that all good. Also in my case no conflict over how the children should be brought up, just my way. Initially I was in a good financial position like you and it was really good. The negatives were the useless ex's remained useless so often let the kids down, or had another girlfriend tagging along. My ex's took the kids on holiday once in 18 years, never gave them a birthday party or contributed to one, never tried to spend quality time with them so sadly not very close. You will definitely be absolutely fine on your own.💕

Poor child 🙁

Actually, I think it’s brave of mum for breaking free of a bad relationship. How many times do we read on here that the woman has been miserable for 16 years, and the kids have turned into horrible people too because of what they’ve witnessed. Surely happy parents single is better than miserable parents together.

This, thank you for documenting the reality of it all.
I raised my son alone and wouldn't advocate single parenthood.
OP, you need to stop and pause.
Nearly all of my friends have admitted to me that they seriously thought it would have been easier to be on their own when their children were babies /very young but they had limited options and worked through it. Their relationships survived and have later became stronger.

My DCs dad is a much better parent now we are separated. I now get EOW plus a night or 2 in the week to myself and I also get to run my household exactly as I want to without hoping he stops breathing in his sleep. Its a lot easier if you don't have to worry too much about money and are not being dragged through the divorce courts. Go for it.

Resentment is corrosive.
Are you able to communicate how you feel? You refer to yourself as a dpb so you acknowledge some responsibility for the breakdown too.
It's not his fault that you are the higher earner

My DC have an amazing life. 2 happy, safe homes with involved loving parents who communicate well and both have their best interests at heart. I don't want to spend more than about 3 minutes in the company of my ex but we are generally on the same page and the DC are thriving. Having separated parents doesn't mean bad outcomes for children on its own but having depressed, miserable, bickering parents who live under the same roof can't be nice.

He “watches” his own child so you can crack on with chores. No bedtime or bath time on his own, no days out on his own with the baby. All he actually does is play with the baby. That’s what an uncle would do.

Get rid of him. He’s nowhere near parenting. No wonder you are angry and resentful.

I did it - for more dramatic reasons than you, but I found being a single parent was easier than being a parent in a bad relationship. I would have an honest discussion with him about what a split would look like. If you're hoping to have a decent shared custody arrangement then you'll need to stay living fairly close to each other, and if he's got a lot less money you might end up having to pay him spousal support. But none of those are reasons to stay unhappily married.

I'm surprised by the comments saying that you're being cold, you don't need to be wailing and weeping to be sad about it. There is a school of thought that you should never split up the first year after you have a baby, and I can see the logic. But I did, and I don't regret it for a minute.

Have you always been the higher earner OP? If so I'm not sure why the resentment just now if you were happy with it historically?

Hi. Sorry to hear you are struggling. I hope you have a decent support network around you.
Since you have shared you are depressed, regardless of what you do about the relationship, I would try to get some help with this. Perhaps counselling / and SSRIs might help you if you find yourself being perfectionist /anxious.
You sound absolutely exhausted and I can relate. Those first couple of years are brutal. It does get easier (parenting/sleep wise). Wishing you loads of luck xx

I was in a similar situation op you feel like you are a single parent already but the reality of being 1 is different. I have been really ill at times unable to leave the house and ex now lives hours away so did nothing to help. Its exhausting doing everything and cant even pop to a shop alone I've dragged an unwell or tired child out many times. I never seem to be on top of housework and admin even though only work part time. Theres always something needing sorted, cleaned or a diy task to tackle. That being said I do enjoy not answering to any1, making financial decisions for my own money and planning holidays thst suit us. There's alot to consider and I wouldn't rush when you have said you feel depressed it sounds more like you want him to step up than leave him

Wanting time to yourself doesn't mean you have depression. 🙄

I was a single parent for over 6 years when my DD was very young — more of a solo parent really, as I had full custody. I have to admit, I actually loved it. Of course it was tiring at times, trying to keep on top of everything by myself, but there were so many positives too. Those years were really special to me and I’ll always treasure them.

I’m no longer a single parent — I met a single dad and we now live together. He’s a truly wonderful man and I now know what a happy, supportive, healthy relationship actually feels like. So no, I can't say I've ever regretted for a single moment breaking up with my ex.

Sharing custody, which I didn't have to do, comes with it's only bonuses and challenges from what I've witnessed. My experience may have been different had that been a part of it but I'll never know. I have seen it work well and I've also seen it not work so well.

Why the eye roll? The OP literally replied to that post and said she had depression and cries most days!

I was a lone parent for 15 years (just recently moved in with my partner of 5 years) I don’t regret leaving but be prepared for ex partner doing nothing and stopping engaging or indeed going 50/50.

Mine was the former and had no support or contact since she was 1.

I was lucky, had a good career which has been good because:

I needed to put DD in private school for SEN reasons. I needed to buy a bigger house as when they older they need more room. I wanted to make sure we had great holidays together.

So right now, you think it’s doable which it definitely is but honestly I don’t think going part time is a great plan based on my experience. My DD is now 16 and I’m really glad I continued to focus on my career.

I have no regrets being a lone parent though, none.

One thing OP. My ex insisted he would have 50:50 if I dared to leave.

I left ds (aged 2) with him for one weekend - 6pm Friday to 6pm Sunday. 50:50 was never mentioned again. Ex refused to have ds overnight until he was 5 ie. reliably toilet trained and able to use a knife & fork.

The most ex has ever managed is 21 nights in a year. He has never done a school run, a parent's evening, a sports day, a birthday party.

Be prepared for the same, OP. Don't be so sure it will mean more time for you. 50:50 sounds great until they have to change a poonami, clean hummus off the ceiling, cope with night terrors at 2am, and discover they can't go to the pub or to play tennis.

Okay but it came across that any mum that doesn't savour every moment with their child has PND. Some of us do need some "me" time.

Life is too short to be unhappy.
Follow your gut. !
Good luck

Can you manage if he walks away and chooses to not have access or pay maintenance?

Do you have support?

To be honest reading your post, ot sounds like you've made your choice already.

You know the answer. Don't bring your child up in an environment where the parents resent each other. They absolutely pick up on it.
You've got all your ducks in a row, it's time to bite the bullet.
I guarantee you will not regret it one bit xx