Considering becoming a single parent

[SophieFTM887]

I have a 1 year old and my relationship is breaking down terribly. Partly his fault for not being as helpful as I'd like him to be and partly me for being an overly emotional perfectionist bitch. Neither of us is coming out of this like an angel.

He's been away a few times since baby was born and I managed just fine. I guess I'm just looking for opinions, did you regret leaving?

He'll be a pretty involved Disney dad, I'm sure he'll have him a couple of nights a month which would be an amazing break for me. There wouldn't be another adult to consider, tidy up after, resent for not stepping up. I'm financially independent and working full time already.

I'd have to sell the house (it's mine) and buy a much smaller place for me and DS but there wouldn't be a mortgage so I would take a job that's easy on the hours.

Technically, we could make these adjustments together which would remove some of the stresses on me but I resent him too much.

I never regretted leaving someone who didn’t pull their wait. And I’ll be honest, the fortnightly weekends “off” were more than I got when a couple.
I was snappy, crying and just couldn’t cope. Now, several years on, I am so much happier.

Sell the house. Get a nice flat . Go for it! Do make sure you get some therapy too . Will help. I’ll never date again.

Me too! And Mumsnet definitely puts me off ever being in a relationship ever again!!

Ok, if your relationship has broken down, then you need to separate, but there are some real red flags in your post.

He has equal parental rights over the child (assuming his name is on the birth certificate). So I dont know where you get this 2 nights a month thing from. At a minimum it would be every other weekend, if he wants, he has the right to more.

While I’m sure it would be nice for you to have a break from the child, this isn’t about you. (Well in your mind it obviously is). A court will rightly put what’s best for the child first.

And what’s best for a male child is to have a strong male role model, and to have plenty of contact with them. Which again speaks to more than a couple of nights a month.

Finally, patronisingly referring to him as a Disney dad (while also ironically claiming he hasn’t done anything, or next to nothing, for the child) is silly.

Best thing I ever did!

I think you need to claim more time for yourself now, leave the house for more than just a few hours. He does bed time whilst you are not there. Go away overnight, leave him to do it all. Stop being passive and complaining about him going away and book something for yourself.

A few things spring to mind.

1. Don't make life-changing decisions while you are depressed. Talk to your GP about treatment options. You need a clear head to navigate your path
2. Sounds like you've already decided but here's a word of caution. In my experience partners don't suddenly become better dads once they become exes. If they were a waste of space during the relationship then they'll be just as irritating/useless/unwilling to step up as a parent after the split
3. It's bloody hard and lonely doing it all on your own, forever. Yes of course you can do it, but it's not by any stretch an easy solution.

But if you do decide to go for it, then good luck 😊

‘Overly emotional perfectionist bitch’ I bet you’re not I bet you just have normal hormones and you want to keep baby safe and well

Hey op it sounds like you’re already at the stage to let him go. I would do it especially if you can afford it and not married so he has no claim on your property. He’s not exactly a good partner so it’s a yes from me do it soon rip the plaster off tell him you are happy for him to have shared custody but don’t tell him it’s because you will get a break otherwise he might use it against you. Just say hey this isn’t working for me I don’t see the point of dragging it out. Can you please find somewhere else to go with the next 4 weeks. I’m selling up and downsizing. Good luck op.

I have a similar story. We had 2 DDs in quick succession and my exH just lived his life however he wanted with no regard for me or DDs. Everything was left to me … I tried really hard to make it work for my children’s sake but nothing really changed. And I ended our marriage. Your DP sounds pretty abusive. And he may not take kindly to you deciding to end the relationship. I suffered years of post separation abuse while singlehanded trying to raise my DDs. Being a single parent is hard! It’s double shifts every day … but it’s still better than being taken for granted, having to do all the work while someone else wants all the credit…

I waited until my eldest was 15 and I regret not becoming a single parent sooner.

Lots of relationships are rubbish in the first year or two of parenthood as you adjust to the needs of your children and different parenting styles.

Is it the joint parenting that’s tough or have you lost love for each other? Was the relationship good before the child?

Im in the camp of working hard at relationships (that don’t have unkindness and abuse) and taking the rough with the smooth. Having kids is very tough on relationships. I’ve been with my partner for 20 years and 3 kids; I have moments of hating him but mostly love him. The first few years of parenthood was very tough, but as they get older it gets easier.

Relationships are never 100% rosey, especially with intense tiredness in the mix.

It’s the best thing that’s happened to me. I discovered it was no different as I was doing it all anyway. Only issue is I have to put up with him visiting our children as he isn’t responsible enough to have them on his own.

You don't sound like a bitch and he doesn't sound like a terrible person neither. It sounds like you have stopped communicating. Why is he getting holidays and you not? What does he say when you say you want to go on holiday with friends or have time for hobbies etc? Or do you not say it?

Is this because he doesnt want to, or is because you dont want to him to do it as he wouldnt do it exactly the way you would do it.

I split with the dad of my 2and 4 year old for similar reasons. Like you I was worried about whether I could cope and how it would affect my kids. I spent 6 months practicing being a single parent in all but name - never asking for help and doing everything myself, gradually withdrawing from the relationship. When I finally felt confident about making the move, it all worked fine. And he turned out to be a better single Dad than partner. We were both able to work hard to ensure the kids were ok and so they still had a good relationship with both parents. They are now adults and turned out to be living, balanced people. So,

Oh ffs

If there are red flags, it’s red flags about the dad.

You are wrong about the courts. Courts don’t decide how often a dad sees his kids. They only decide how often a dad COULD see his kids. Because believe it or not, there are fathers who don’t actually want the share of regular care that they might legally be entitled to. These dads see it as an irksome inconvenience that cramps their style. These types also tend to compensate for their absenteeism, lack of commitment, and lack of interest in what children need by behaving like an indulgent uncle whenever they do show up (aka the Disney Dad). OP is predicting, based on experience, that her partner is likely to fall into this category.

She is also predicting, rightly, that being working parent responsible for looking after a small child on her own for 28 days out of 30 will be knackering, not to mention expensive. There is nothing wrong with wondering how you, as a lone parent, will find time to look after yourself.

@SophieFTM887

In my son’s life (teenager now), his father has never:

• taken him to the doctor, dentist, optician, hospital, pharmacist or similar
• taken a day off work or cancelled social plans in order to look after him when he’s been ill
• taken him on holiday, or even for a day out to a theme park or zoo or petting farm etc
• met any of his school friends
• given him a designated bedroom where he can keep some belongings
• given him any pocket money or saved/invested for him
• kicked or thrown around a ball in the garden with him, or played any other kind of outdoor game
• been to watch him play in any of his school or club matches in any sport
• organised or taken him to any extra-curricular activities
• taught him any hobby or skill
• helped him with homework or revision, or encouraged him to do it at all
• purchased any school uniform, footwear or equipment, and no other clothes for him for at least eight years.

Unlike you, I was not so sanguine about likely levels of involvement at the beginning so it was a long hard road for me to manage down my and my son’s expectations. I try very hard not to criticise him in front of my son, but my son has worked out for himself that his dad is not like other dads. I just hope he understands that when it is his turn, he needs to do better.

Before you do anything, speak to a lawyer and get your facts straight re custody and assets within the marital estate. Also consider the possibility of your partner re-partnering, having more children etc, which complicates things for your child as they grow up. You're only 12 months PP, consider couples or individual therapy and don't rush anything. Wishing you the best <3

I felt very much the same as you, OP. I loved Ex-H working away, because there was less mess and no resentment. I stuck it out for almost 4 more years - total waste of all our time.

Even though my son and I were initially impoverished by the divorce (until I got a job), it was the best thing for all of us, and a huge relief for me.

Ex-H stepped up, and saw more of his son once we were divorced than he had when we were married.

Made my life a million times easier and more enjoyable

This and I remember the palpable loneliness of single parenthood