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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to ask my husband when his son will leave?

63 replies

MyMintRobin · 09/09/2025 09:38

I'm 35, husband is 55, son is 25.

In March, my husband’s son broke up with his long-term girlfriend (they’d been together for almost 10 years). It affected him a lot. My husband and he are extremely close, more like best friends, so my husband suggested he come and live with us for a while so that he wouldn’t be on his own and could keep his mind off things. He was living in London, whereas we’re in Surrey (so there’s a bit of a commute), but he agreed. I was fine with it at first, of course, as I know how much his son means to my husband. But I wasn’t given any timeframe. I assumed it might be a couple of weeks, maybe a month… yet now it’s been nearly six months. My husband and his son work out together every day, play sports, and generally spend a lot of time together. It’s obvious my husband is enjoying having him here, but I’d like it to go back to just the two of us. At the same time, I don’t want to put my husband in an awkward position.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/09/2025 09:42

I enjoy having my son around. He’s one of my favourite people.

I think your Dh and ds are entitled to enjoy time together.

When you marry a man with children, the children come too.

tripleginandtonic · 09/09/2025 09:46

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/09/2025 09:42

I enjoy having my son around. He’s one of my favourite people.

I think your Dh and ds are entitled to enjoy time together.

When you marry a man with children, the children come too.

This.

bootbootboot · 09/09/2025 09:48

I second what Arse said, you married a man with children, my children are always welcome back, this is their soft place to land should it all go to shit. Maybe it would work to everyone's advantage if the son lived very local to you so that he can still have that relationship with his Dad where they work out together etc.

As a parent I get a lot of joy in spending time with my adult children and love that they enjoy chatting to Dh, their Dad. They still live at home as they are 22 and 19 but I am hoping they live close enough that we can see them often.

I think you do need to have a talk with your Dh to talk about supporting his son moving out and moving on, better than saying I want him to move out.

ShoeeMcfee · 09/09/2025 09:49

Of course the child comes too when you marry someone, but in this case, the son is a man. I would start to be getting worried too, OP. The son may hang around for years yet which may be lovely for the father, but not so great for OP suddenly being a third wheel when that is not the situation she married into.

You'll have to tread very carefully, OP but you could mention it.

Tink3rbell30 · 09/09/2025 09:49

It's his son, they come as a package.

Sprogonthetyne · 09/09/2025 09:51

He moved in, so it was never going to be a few weeks visit. Perhaps there should have been a more clear discussion from the start, but it's possible that your DH thought you would interpretate moving is as semi long term, so didn't feel he needed to clarify it would be ongoing.

I understand it's a big upheaval for you, but your DH is enjoying spending time with his child, while also supporting him through a hard time. That's exactly what I'd want to do if my child ever needed me, and I would always put my bond with DC above any partner who made it difficult.

If you do raise it, you need to tread very carefully, and frail it more as "what are your plans for the future" not "when will you go away"

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2025 09:52

Tink3rbell30 · 09/09/2025 09:49

It's his son, they come as a package.

Till when?

I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask what the two of you can do to help him when he moves out rather than ask for how much longer is he staying

Does he pay? Help out? Do his own washing?

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 09/09/2025 09:53

Ywnbu to ask what the plan is for the future, is his son saving for a deposit, planning to move back to London etc without making him feel unwelcome.

The only alternative is to either make him feel unwelcome or give an ultimatum, but I'm not sure your marriage would last that, any parent worth their salt would choose their child over anyone.

AndYesTheWeeDonkeys · 09/09/2025 09:53

It’s never going to be just the two of you, though. One of you has a child (no matter their age) so as long as they’re alive there will always be at least three of you.

Even if your husband’s son gets married, moves to Australia and has six children of his own - more than half your husband’s mind will be with them, forever.

As others have said - you married someone with a child.

PinkyFlamingo · 09/09/2025 09:53

ShoeeMcfee · 09/09/2025 09:49

Of course the child comes too when you marry someone, but in this case, the son is a man. I would start to be getting worried too, OP. The son may hang around for years yet which may be lovely for the father, but not so great for OP suddenly being a third wheel when that is not the situation she married into.

You'll have to tread very carefully, OP but you could mention it.

It is the situation she married into though, marrying someone with a child. Doesn't matter if they are now an adult.

Comedycook · 09/09/2025 09:54

It's pretty normal nowadays for young adults to remain at home for some considerable time.

What's he like? Does he help out? Not make a mess? Do chores? I think I agree that this is probably to be expected if you entered into a relationship with someone who is a parent. It's not the 1970s where they move out in their late teens

TeeBee · 09/09/2025 09:57

My sons will always be welcome to move back home for as long as they like so I totally understand your husband offering this to his son. There will be a time where he doesn't need the support. I can't imagine most people wanting to live with their parents forever. You married a man with children; it is what it is.

Is the house the previous family home or is it a new house you have both set up together?

Caerulea · 09/09/2025 09:57

Somehow misread 6 months as 6 years & couldn't understand why everyone was saying you're being unreasonable so went back & checked...

Sorry, 6 months is nothing at all - YABVU

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/09/2025 09:59

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2025 09:52

Till when?

I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask what the two of you can do to help him when he moves out rather than ask for how much longer is he staying

Does he pay? Help out? Do his own washing?

Show quote history

Until he feels well enough to leave. When he chooses too. He might not go for some years.

We had kids boomerang back and forth until late 20’s. Last one finally went at 28.

DancingInTheMoonlights · 09/09/2025 10:00

In a similar position here, have my husband’s 23 year old son living here. He moved in when he was 18. He is welcome to live here as long as he wants/needs to and it just adds to the feeling of us being a family.

I would feel pushed out if they spent all of their time together but I’m fortunate that that isn’t the case. They do socialise / do other stuff together (aka the dreaded ‘hobby’ word) a couple times a week. I enjoy having that time to myself. But if it was constant, I wouldn’t be happy. Have you asked him/them to find a happy balance?

ThejoyofNC · 09/09/2025 10:04

Are people actually being serious about them coming as a package? This is a 25-year-old man, not a boy.

OP You are perfectly reasonable to ask for a time frame to be put on this.

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/09/2025 10:05

I would imagine, given the relationship status of the Son and his age, you probably never really considered him coming to live with you might be part of the deal. That being said, I agree with other's that kids don't stop being your responsibility when they get to 18 and it's perfectly reasonable that you DH would want to support his son (I'd personally be very put off if he wasn't being supportive).

What is the specific issue? Do you just not like having him around or do you miss being alone with your DP? Could you carve out more time to do things as a couple?

wiminny · 09/09/2025 10:07

How do things work out between you and DH, do you have time together much while his son does his own thing, do you have alone time in front of the TV, is son included in most things, or is he the independent type who likes his privacy, and respects yours?

This can work out well for all of you, but there have to be compromises. I would not like it much myself IF my normal (up to now) lifestyle was impacted a lot, and IF I felt that my day to day life was changed a lot by the third presence.

It's his son, that I understand, however the son is a mature adult and Dad is doing him few favours by not encouraging him to be independent again and live his own life.

I know how you feel OP. It's not hatred or anything, but I suspect some resentment is creeping in because you might feel you are not your DH no. 1 in your house, whereas there was just the two of you for quite a while. Discuss with DH and see what his views are, but approach with caution!

GAJLY · 09/09/2025 10:09

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2025 09:52

Till when?

I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask what the two of you can do to help him when he moves out rather than ask for how much longer is he staying

Does he pay? Help out? Do his own washing?

Show quote history

Agreed.

Nearly50omg · 09/09/2025 10:12

It is half of OPs house this MAN is living in!!! Did your dh even have a conversation about this before he invited him with you? Doesn’t sound like it!! They both need telling this was rude for a start and also this man doesn’t live here this is half of your home and guests are like fish and go off after 3 days and I guess he’s not cleaning /tidying / doing any housework or cooking or cleaning /shopping for extra everything? That’s been left to you to deal with too?

pinknailvarnish1 · 09/09/2025 10:12

I would feel the same as you Op.

BUT.....when you have children, your home is their home if they ever need it. I have 2 adult children myself (that aren't my husbands), and if they ever needed to come home, I would welcome them with open arms.

I agree it's a difficult situation for you, though.

thebabayaga2025 · 09/09/2025 10:13

He's a grown man, time for him to go home, or find a new home. Of course you are not being unreasonable.

5foot5 · 09/09/2025 10:14

ThejoyofNC · 09/09/2025 10:04

Are people actually being serious about them coming as a package? This is a 25-year-old man, not a boy.

OP You are perfectly reasonable to ask for a time frame to be put on this.

As others have said, it is really not uncommon these days for 20 something adults to still be at their parents house. Our DD moved back here after graduating and lived with us until she was 27 as she was saving hard for a deposit on a place of her own.

I enjoyed having her at home. She did pay something towards her living expenses and pull her weight around the house though. Is your DSS doing this or is he expecting to be just looked after? If the latter then I think it would be in order to have a word about their being 3 adults in the house so they all need to pitch in.

Original poster
MyMintRobin · 09/09/2025 10:14

Comedycook · 09/09/2025 09:54

It's pretty normal nowadays for young adults to remain at home for some considerable time.

What's he like? Does he help out? Not make a mess? Do chores? I think I agree that this is probably to be expected if you entered into a relationship with someone who is a parent. It's not the 1970s where they move out in their late teens

The son is very well-adjusted; I really have nothing negative to say. He does his own thing, my husband and I do our own thing, and we do our own thing as a household unit. I guess I just miss the privacy, especially the sense of privacy, that we had when it was just my husband and me. Back then, I could relax around the house nude if I wanted (for example); now I can’t just do whatever I like whenever I like.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 09/09/2025 10:15

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/09/2025 09:59

Until he feels well enough to leave. When he chooses too. He might not go for some years.

We had kids boomerang back and forth until late 20’s. Last one finally went at 28.

Show quote history

I assume that your children were yours and your husband's? It's obviously different when the husband or wife isn't the biologcal parent of the adult child.

I would expect some discussion with OP if the son is going to be there for years. OP may decide that this isn't what she expected or wanted her marriage to be.

He seems to spend a lot of his leisure time with his son, rather than OP so that is probably bothering her.