Is it unreasonable to ask my husband when his son will leave?

[MyMintRobin]

I'm 35, husband is 55, son is 25.

In March, my husband’s son broke up with his long-term girlfriend (they’d been together for almost 10 years). It affected him a lot. My husband and he are extremely close, more like best friends, so my husband suggested he come and live with us for a while so that he wouldn’t be on his own and could keep his mind off things. He was living in London, whereas we’re in Surrey (so there’s a bit of a commute), but he agreed. I was fine with it at first, of course, as I know how much his son means to my husband. But I wasn’t given any timeframe. I assumed it might be a couple of weeks, maybe a month… yet now it’s been nearly six months. My husband and his son work out together every day, play sports, and generally spend a lot of time together. It’s obvious my husband is enjoying having him here, but I’d like it to go back to just the two of us. At the same time, I don’t want to put my husband in an awkward position.

Did you honestly relax in the nude though?

He sounds lovely and it’s great they have a good relationship. My eldest had a terrible break up, trouble is, my ex-husband had decided to make it really awkward for me to buy when we sold the family home just one month before so I was living in a small rental. ExH was living in his new partner’s house. My adult child moved in with them but was in a rented room within a couple of weeks as didn’t feel welcome. This made me so sad. My boyfriend’s adult stepson lived with him till 32. When stepson decided to move out, that’s when my boyfriend could move on. I do love him for that! Just be patient as he could move on any time and will get over this quicker with both your support. Otherwise it may damage your relationship with your husband longer term. I’ll never forget my DC’s face that time - if heartbreak is bad, heartbreak once removed when it’s your adult child is infinitely worse!
Btw DC understood my situation and we’re really close. We don’t really talk about ExH or new wife but recently DC couldn’t remember her name - says a lot - sad really.

At 25 I think he's kind of on the cusp.

If he was 20, I'd be saying that he should absolutely be welcome to live long-term in his father's house, assuming he is a pleasant and reasonable young man (and even if he isn't, to be honest).

If he was 30, 35, 40... I'd be thinking that you'd be reasonable to expect that any arrangement was short term, and that you are reasonable to want to live with your DH alone as a married couple.

At 25... I don't know. He's still quite young, really. What is his financial position? Is this an affordability issue? Or do they both just enjoy it?

Technically a previous family home. I'm saying technically because it wasn't a permanent residence until my husband and I moved in from London in 2018 when the son started university. I'm very cool with guests, hell, even the ex-wife (son's mom) visits during family events; but like, short stays...

Yeah, we all enjoy having our adult children come round, but not to live surely?

OP, YANBU

They’re always welcome to come back and live if they want to.

When my sons are adults they are free to come home whenever they need to. If I was in a new relationship however I would have made this clear long before we got to the moving in stage.

in all hint though, 6 months isn’t that long after the breakup of a 10 year relationship.

Not really. His son’s an adult. A kid or disabled adult child come as a package. Because they need care. All children are an important part of their parents life and should be cared about and considered, but legal responsibility ends at 18, and if OP married her partner while his son lived elsewhere, it’s unreasonable to say just bc the son is newly single he is now part of her daily life too when he’s a fully functioning adult. Partners have to accept how much children, whatever age, mean to their parents, and be grown up enough to allow them to have a loving relationship. But that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t feel upset if they’re suddenly forced to live with them without complaint for the forseeable future.

Would it be the same for other relatives? Bestest best friends? Yes the relationship with children is different but there isn’t the ‘need’ for them to live with you if they are already independent. OP’s husband probably wouldn’t be keen on her sibling or cousin moving into his home long term and sharing activities with his wife every day which exclude him and reduce the time he spends with her.

It’s interesting how many threads there are to do with family enmenshment and many posters are very vocal in saying how unnatural it is etc. Usually it’s partners and their parents/siblings. Yet this scenario should be encouraged bc it’s the other way round?

I think you should try to maintain a good relationship with your stepson as you may need support with caring for your DH in the not too distant future. My cousin married a much older man who was diagnosed with dementia at 67.

This. It's fine for a few weeks, but this seems like an ongoing situation at your expense. You didn't sign up for a flat share.

According to a study by NatWest 28 is now the average age to leave, older of course if any specific issues or in high cost of living areas. Recent data from IFS suggests at 25 I think(going from memory here) approx half of men still live with parents.

It is six months OP. Not that there is a time limit. No, don’t ask when he is going to leave. At a later date, you could suggest that you and DH make sure you are supporting him to live more independently IF that’s what he wants, but not that you want him to leave.

Do you and your DH have any children together, or is that a possibility for the future?

Assuming you get on OK I would try to adapt to it as the new normal and make the most of it. There’s no way you can ask DH about when DS might move on; I’m sure DS wants his own place again but for now DH is clearly over the moon to have DS around. Bringing it up as an issue would surely upset him and it’s a rare partner that picks their OH over their DC.

It’s pretty standard nowadays for adult children to boomerang back and forth for a few years before they finally move out - and 25 isn’t exactly old.

I do wonder if it’s weirder for you because he’s closer to you in age than your husband, so it’s more like having a flatmate than an adult child at home.

I would be asking what's his plans for the future. Is probably expect him to be gone in the new year personally. I do get how hard it can be breaking up after such a long time, and it's good he's been able to stay with you, but it shouldn't be long term.

I find it bizarre people seem to feel a 25 year old comes as a package with his dad. I was married at 25 and had a mortgage! As do many posters in their twenties on here (I'm now early 30s). I know if my life fell apart I'd be welcome at my mum's house. I also know after 6 months she would have already started asking what my plans were. You should always offer your kids a safety net, but I think it's time for him to start moving on now.

I love having my adult children to stay. It's so nice. OH ( not their dad) never minds, but occasionally he will say oh when is Barney2 leaving? I hope he's just asking for clarification, but I do get a bit prickly so tread carefully OP.

Somewhat surprised (or maybe not...) that 46% of voters think OP is not being unreasonable. But then maybe I shouldn't be surprised as it's sort of a bit common on Mumsnet for partners' children to be seen as cuckoos in the nest. (Or maybe I've got the expression the wrong way round and it's the posting Mumsnetter who regards her partner's child as the cuckoo in the nest)

That doesn't mean you have to tolerate living with them when they are adults. He's not a child.

I don't think I'd necessarily want my OWN children still hanging around at that age. That's not to say I wouldn't have them...

His father is happy with it though, I don't think a conversation about trying to get him gone would go down well. I get where she's coming from but children will always come first even adult children.

Your DSS sounds OK to live with but I can imagine you feel awkward Op, there's only 10 yrs between you so he's more like a contempary than a stepchild. Have you asked your DSS if he has plans for the future, in a friendly way of course

35 with a 55 year old is grim.

Lol
The child in question is a Fulky grown adult, not a teenager!

Regardless of whether the OP is a stepmum or a mum, I think it’s fair to ask how long said adult child is going to live with them. I also think it’s pretty normal to ask your partner about having someone else living in the house long term. Not just impose it by default.

My daughter also moved back home due to some of those curve balls that get thrown at people in life. She needed help and I was in a position to offer it. I never asked how long for, but do sort of wish that I had :-).
I completely understand the situation of not being able to do your usual thing in your own home. It's an adjustment for everyone - some of those adjustments are positive and some not so!
It's lovely for your husband to get that extra time with his son and at the moment, like all of us do, his son needs to be around people and keeping busy after his break up. But he is an adult that has not lived at home for a long time and once he has healed a little from the break-up, he will not want to be living at home.
This situation will not be for years and years, I guarantee it.

Maybe for the time being, join in with them where you can also? Be supportive to him, talk to him about how he is feeling, how you can help etc. Speaking as someone who recently came out of a very long relationship, I needed to be around people for about three months - after that I started to need my own solitude, privacy, peace - he will too. Once he gets to that stage, I am sure you and his dad can look at ways that you could help practically - deposit on a flat closer to work?

But for now, I think it is early days to be pushing the issue and will only cause disharmony amongst you all. Be patient and wait. He will be wanting out again in no time and then you can walk around naked again :-)

At least you're close to his son's age. You might have some stuff in common. How well do you get on with him?

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a previous family home or not.

The idea that you still have YOUR bedroom in YOUR family house as a working adult is weird. (And not the same than saying that an adult dc will always be welcome).

Now it’s YOUR family home too @MyMintRobin . And that means you have away. You should be consulted on how long he’ll stay etc…
The problem isn’t whether it’s fine for the ds to still be there 6 months on. Some people will think it’s great, others it’s normal even if a pain, others will find it awful.
The problem is the lack of communication, the fact theres no boundaries in place (to those saying ‘no adult child will want to stay at dad’s forever, what’s your limit to say ‘now it’s too long’. A year, 2 years, 10 years? Because many Fulky working adults chose the cozy life of been looked after at mum agd/or dad’s). It’s the fact it has been imposed on the OP.

I never asked how long for, but do sort of wish that I had :-).

@Sunflowers67 can I ask why you’d wish you had talked about how long she’d stay/boundaries?