To not enjoy having friends?

[Djane35]

Bit of a weird one I know hence NC I’m wondering if anyone can give insight or understanding. I’ve always struggled making friends and had a traumatic and abusive childhood so that the reason why.

Fast forward to now I just find it’s a waste of my time and I don’t enjoy it. I made myself go out yesterday with a friend who’s having a hard time so I made myself go. I feel drained today. I have no energy to do anything and I have work tomorrow. This is first time I’ve gone out this year btw.

Previously times Ive met people on my day off and have felt like I wasted the day off. I don’t seem to enjoy it but I feel it’s the normal thing to do

They say you should leave a meeting with a friend feeling lighter and happier.

It sounds like your friend took a lot of your energy so you feel drained.

If you are consistently leaving meet ups drained then she isn’t the right friend for you.

I have ADHD and aI sometimes realiy have to force myself to meet friends. But I do feel better when I’m with them.

Is it just this friend who friend you feel this way?

If this is your first outing in 9 months I think that’s the reason you’re tired. Go out more. It will perk you up

How do you prefer to spend your days off and time? Would you usually go out and do things solo, or stay at home?
I sometimes do find friendships quite draining and enjoy peace and my own company quite a lot. But I also value time spent with some people who make me feel happy and like I’ve had an enjoyable time. Perhaps it’s a friendship that has run its course.

Do you socialise with a partner or family? Do you get enjoyment out of going out alone?

You sound like you’re struggling. How’s your mood generally? Have you always been like this? If not maybe speak with your GP about your mood. Friends should leave you feeling recharged (most of the time)..

It might be this particular friendship, but it might also be that you simply prefer time alone. If you want friendships, that's one thing, and it's worth finding friends who improve your mood or ways to socialise that don't drain you. However, I wouldn't force myself to maintain friendships that I didn't want. There's nothing wrong with doing things your own way. Not everyone wants the same kinds of friendships.

It's only a problem if you do want friends but struggle with socialising. If you aren't bothered about having friends and happy not to socialize at all, then that's fine, you don't really need them. Just make sure you have things set up so you can safely live life in an independent way and not expect someone to do something for you out of friendship that you aren't willing to do for them. I don't mean that in a snarky way but often we are told do "build a community" so we will have support. In your case it would mean knowing where to access support from services and people who would be willing to do small things in a reciprocal way without wanting to be good friends, such as holding a key for the neighbour in emergencies, but not wanting to be the kind of neighbour who pops round for a chat.

My mood is generally low. I feel exhausted all the time. I have two young kids both in primary and these friends are from school. I work 4 days a week and spend my day off cleaning and food shopping. House is still a top btw even tho I have a whole day to clean!

weekends are just in survival mode just stopping kids from fighting and taking them places and doing homework with them, Sundays we have to visit Inlaws otherwise mil is in a strop so I squeeze everything into one day (Saturday). I just feel fine with life

Truth is I don’t feel they are friends, they are just people I know. The friend I met yesterday I only met up with as she’s struggling. I feel they don’t really make an effort unless they need a chat (I’m a good listener I’ve been told). I don’t do anything fun if that makes sense.

I do have a partner but he work all the time and is checked out from us. I feel like a single parent but obviously I’m not but emotional workload and taking care of the kids and home is all down to me. The bins won’t be put out unless I do it hit example. We went 3 weeks not putting bins out when I was unwell.

I do want people in my life with whom I can have a good time. I don’t feel I can talk openly with anyone. I will listen to these people and keep conversations to myself but I can’t guarantee they will do same for me as I r overheard things they say about each other do I keep tight lipped about my struggles

I think it depends on the friends but also on your personality. I know that we are inviting people over for next week-end and I'm already tired when I think about it. My DH gets his energy from social interactions whereas I get my energy from solitude and I find social interactions draining. We are all different and you don't have to fit a model for how one is supposed to be. Just accept it and adapt your lifestyle to it. Now when my children are in secondary I don't have to be friends with other mums in order for them to have playdates which is very relaxing. I just have to accomodate DH social needs every once in a while and otherwise he does stuff on his own while I stay at home. Works for us.

Truth is you won’t be happy unless you break free from your oartner. Even though he’s checked out, he’s a still a burden on you.

You don’t need to date anyone, you’ll feel a lot lighter when you’re single.

For me the idea of having friends is preferable to the reality of it.
I do have some and enjoy spending time with them but I don't miss them or think I would be upset if I never saw them again

Some people are inherently draining and you might be attracting them.

I have friends i am avoiding because they have this impact on me too.

I don't really enjoy socialising either tbh. I sympathise

@Arran2024 how do u avoid? I feel guilty ignoring messages etc, I always feel I have to reply and say yes

You say your childhood was traumatic. This had probably had a major influence in how you view relationships and what’s ‘normal’ if you didn’t have it growing up.

what’s your relationship with your parents like now? you have friends as a child? Do you have any wider family that you see?

These people are not your friends. Youre not enjoying their company hence why you feel exhausted rather than calm after seeing them. No biggie they just arent your tribe!

I’m no contact with my parents, my mum has been calling me and leaving messages but I blocked her (I feel bad about this). I only had user friends in college and university. My school friends were nice but I moved away from my hometown and truthfully don’t want to re- live my childhood again so avoid these friends. They are on Facebook and I like their photos and they like mine but that’s it no other contact.

my siblings guilt me into talking to my mum again but I refuse to. I do have work colleagues but I don’t feel able to meet them after work as I’m tired.

I was thinking of inviting a few of the mums I do know for a play date with my youngest but then I get thoughts of “what if I can’t find parking near the park” etc.

No I don't think so
We speak or WA regularly but geography gets in the way with most of them.
I would consider them close friends but who knows really?