To not enjoy having friends?

[Djane35]

Bit of a weird one I know hence NC I’m wondering if anyone can give insight or understanding. I’ve always struggled making friends and had a traumatic and abusive childhood so that the reason why.

Fast forward to now I just find it’s a waste of my time and I don’t enjoy it. I made myself go out yesterday with a friend who’s having a hard time so I made myself go. I feel drained today. I have no energy to do anything and I have work tomorrow. This is first time I’ve gone out this year btw.

Previously times Ive met people on my day off and have felt like I wasted the day off. I don’t seem to enjoy it but I feel it’s the normal thing to do

It could also be some form of neurodivergence e.g. autism or ADHD. Again, I am not here to diagnose.

As a woman in their mid 30s, I have also at times felt similar OP. I prefer time on my own to recharge but I do have a handful of close friends who I spend time with from time to time. Sometimes choosing an activity to bond over can be more restorative as a social activity rather than being a sounding board.

I’m really sorry about your difficult childhood OP.

I don’t think going out with a friend who is having a hard time and wants support is a good test case for whether you generally enjoy having friends or not, especially if you are feeling low yourself. I think most people would probably find that a duty rather than a pleasure. Maybe you need some different friends?

From experience, I’d also say socialising can become quite daunting if you don’t do much of it. So if you haven’t gone out with a friend in 9 months, personally I often get a bit of dread in that situation as I’m doing something unfamiliar, like ‘Will I have enough to talk to them about’. But for me, the solution is to see people more often, not less, and then it won’t feel daunting as you’re doing it all the time. I’ve definitely been much happier in the periods in my life when I’ve been regularly social, even though I consider myself an introvert.

Maybe those things aren’t true for you, but if it was me I’d say a) look for more congenial friends and b) go out more often to build up your socialising muscle, rather than just giving up on friendship.

i think the biggest issue though is that you’re not happy in your life. Maybe if you can change some of the things that are making you feel that way, you’ll find that you just organically feel more comfortable spending time with friends? It sounds like you are feeling depressed, and depression does often make people want to isolate, and have less energy. Would speaking to a therapist help? Or just making some life changes?

This is very interesting.
When I read on Mumsnet, about how someone has been badly treated, ghosted, abused and generally treated like p**h, by they’re so called friends- I once again echo ‘And this is why I don’t have friends …..’
Thing is I do - dh is best friend.
Best female friend lives within spitting distance - though we don’t live in each others pockets by a measured mile.
I have lots of friends at work, some very close.
I get on with most people.
But I am not part, nor ever have been part of a girly group (clique ).
i have wondered why on occasion , and even if girlfriend group, like Carrie from sex and city, actually really work/exist.
The above post actually does make sense.
I don’t consider myself nd though, but do tend to blaze my own trail.
As a woman I have found it is easier to have male friends, and female friends who also outside of the clique.
However, with age and much more confidence, these friendships have also fallen away.
I now have a lot of female friends, who also have a ton of friends…

Agreed.
I had a guy once ask me if I was a loner! (I’m not) But it got me thinking, even if I was, what was it to them?

I totally get where you are coming from OP!
I am married so my DH is basically my best friend but sometimes I just can't talk to him. I do most things with him but he isn't in to the same things I am.
I do find some people are just a drain!
I find most women are drama fuelled and like to gossip about other people. I'm not like this which apparently makes me weird!
The friends I have had in the past, have all been about what I can do for them - babysitting, money lending, one friend used me as a cover up for her affair which i was fuming about when her DP asked me how our night out was and we hadn't been out! I had to lie and then when she messaged me to say thanks I cut her off, and i told her why too!
I'd of loved to have been in a "group" of friends but what I can gather, this is no fun either! A work colleague said she went on a girls weekend and they were all falling out and crying...so I dont know if its all what its cracked up to be when you see pics on Insta etc
I'm also not in the work place clique and I'm good with that - they gossip and single people out. The main leader of the clique has to be the "main hun" so to speak at work but there are a fair few who see through her...
There are a couple of other work colleagues i get on well who are not in the cliques but we don't see each other out of work and I know its a mutual liking of one another between the 3 of us so not just me who likes them, we are similar personalities. I have suggested lunch a few times but, no response!
Sometimes it bothers me, majority of the time it doesn't
I know a lot of people, I just don't see them outside of where I know them from!
and i'm not sure i can be bothered 😂
I'm also not ND just fed up of others!

Exactly-also add in the faux concern of “you need to be careful walking here alone”

Oh you are the gift that keeps on giving aren’t you?

Youre so annoyed by me you have gone and done an advanced search on my username. You have identified something which you perceive as othering. Because, now, your main aim is to ostracise me from the group. Please keep going, I’m actually enjoying watching how you are walking along the path I predicted. I’d forgotten how good it is to watch.

It’s interesting how you are focusing so much attention towards me to try and get me rejected. Why is that? Are you not confident in your own position?

@Djane35
**
My mood is generally low. I feel exhausted all the time. I have two young kids both in primary and these friends are from school. I work 4 days a week and spend my day off cleaning and food shopping. House is still a top btw even tho I have a whole day to clean!
weekends are just in survival mode just stopping kids from fighting and taking them places and doing homework with them, Sundays we have to visit Inlaws otherwise mil is in a strop so I squeeze everything into one day (Saturday). I just feel fine with life

@Djane35
If the above is how you feel about life currently , then no wonder you’re exhausted and have no patience for your existing friends.

if nothing else I’d advise you to:

• Drop the in-laws ( see you’ve made a start )

• Ignore the kids fighting

• Get on line supermarket shopping (£5.00 a month)

• Declutter and ensure you enough storage - everything has a place

• Ditch existing friends- which makes space for better ones.

But ultimately you may also be an introvert - you recharge with alone time. Unlike extroverts who energise through social interaction.
And there’s nothing wrong with that.

What struck me about your description of your week @Djane35 is that it doesn’t sound like you get any designated time just to yourself. Can you ask your husband to look after the kids every Tuesday evening or something, so that you can use that time to go to the gym, or a show, or a walk, or whatever you like? Just something for you? And then equally carve out a bit of time for him in the week when he’s not at work and you are looking after the kids, so he can also have a bit of dedicated time just to himself?

Some friends you just can’t see too much of. Lovely when I see them as I haven’t seen them in ages. But if I saw too much of them I’d go mad.

Was that on this thread?

Oh TweetySweety, for someone who “can’t stand engaging” with me, you seem to be putting a lot of time and energy in doing so,

But good to see you still following the pattern. You are now gathering some (made up) people to share your position. So you’re trying to present the “you’re alone. I have everyone’s support” (false) narrative.

i find it very interesting your first post was “I have so many lovely friends who are so important” now you’re “look at me, I have the support of everyone unlike you”

Why is is so important to you to be part of the crowd? To me it seems a lot of effort. Like I said to the OP (to try and bring this back on track from your ad hominem obsession), the need to have friends and “fit in” can lead you down some non authentic panic stricken paths.

Far better to be secure in your own skin than pursue others approvals at all costs.

BTW I’m happy to pop onto the relevant threads and discuss the out of context quotes you have put on here but it seems inappropriate to detail this thread.

To the OP this is why it’s far more important to have a good solid belief in yourself than hang on the approval of someone who loves her friends more than anything but will be friends with anyone who has a friend on Hollywood!

Oh that reminds me, I have several multimillionaire friends, some of whpm
are in the entertainment business - maybe that change things 😂

It wasn’t on any thread🤣. The poster seems to have been scouring the advanced search to quote some things out of context which have zero to do with this thread and has been continuously detailing the thread.

It’s completely understandable to feel drained if your friends only talk about themselves, friendship should be two-way. It’s okay to take a step back and focus on things you enjoy, and you shouldn’t feel guilty. If you’re feeling low or lacking energy, consider chatting with your GP, you deserve support and time for yourself.

You don’t need to spend days with people. You seem to be striving to do something you don’t actually enjoy.
I realised late in life that hours in someone’s company is too much -I walk with a neighbour regularly when she walks her dog takes about an hour. That’s enough for me. And I attend a hobby - 2hours max.
Whilst your DCs are young just do what you have to. Life will get easier.
I listen to audiobooks and podcasts and can get through any tedious housework or task this way.

Hi OP some people are just introverted. I struggle with being social aswell. If you are genuinely happy going to and doing things by yourself then carry on! Everyone is different and being a introvert is not a bad thing. However, if you are not happy then I suggest you pick a hobby you like and try and make new friends that add to your happiness. It is hard for some people to make friends ( me included ) I have found the easiest way is play dates and other mums as they are on the same space. You need to relax in their company, genuinely want to know how they are doing. The more you meet up, the easier it will be. You also have to initiate not just accept. Good luck 🤞

I didn’t think so ….

@Tweetytweet81
I think you need to pack it in. You are not only derailing this thread, but you are now targeting another poster and it feels a bit stalky and bullying

I missed what the last two posts said as they were already deleted but I’m guessing some further out of context crap. Hopefully the poster has now gone pit with her friends,

Anyway back to the original post. It really sounds like the best thing for you to start with is building up your own self confidence and self worth. Some people find hypnotherapy a good fairly civil way to start. Even something like yin yoga can help by releasing some tension and emotions

I love the sound of that advice. I hope you come back OP, take care.