To not enjoy having friends?

[Djane35]

Bit of a weird one I know hence NC I’m wondering if anyone can give insight or understanding. I’ve always struggled making friends and had a traumatic and abusive childhood so that the reason why.

Fast forward to now I just find it’s a waste of my time and I don’t enjoy it. I made myself go out yesterday with a friend who’s having a hard time so I made myself go. I feel drained today. I have no energy to do anything and I have work tomorrow. This is first time I’ve gone out this year btw.

Previously times Ive met people on my day off and have felt like I wasted the day off. I don’t seem to enjoy it but I feel it’s the normal thing to do

I think there is a very bizzare expectation esp regarding women on how they should interact in the world. There is a stereotype of women having a great group of female friends who they can go and have fun with and share all their triumphs and worries with.

Ive got ADHD and generally only get on with women who are ND. I find the conversations of most groups of women, boring, empty and meaningless. Groups of female friends consist of and evolutionary measure to provide mutual support whilst the men are away. They inevitably include a mechanism to develop a social hierarchy within the group whilst expelling dissenters. Although initially quite interesting to observe I find it boring. So I don’t mix in those groups. So my friends tend to be male or ND women.

Society doesn’t like women who don’t submit to these groups as they’re more difficult to predict and therefore control. Other women tend to ridicule, look down their noses or undermine them in some way..

All societies have had these women on the edge, those who defy society’s expectations - tread your own path. Have confidence in yourself. You’ll attract the people who suit you, don’t go chasing after others just because society expects you to. It’s fine to be different.

Can you stop the mother in law weekly visits?
switch it to fortnightly.
it’s interesting that your partner has checked out but wants to make sure you’re still checked in in visiting in laws.
what’s up with your partner? Is he super busy and stressed at work or just an arsehole?
Does he care about how you feel? If he does, he’ll listen. If he doesn’t, then I bet you’ll have more energy and your mood will be lifted without him.
Time to think about your future op.

It sounds like you have a lot to sort out and at the moment listening to others problems isn’t a good use of your time. That fair enough.

Interesting you say this because I'm the same way. I once had a massive circle of friends, everytime I'd go out with one, I'd think what a waste of time it was. I'd feel annoyed I wasted my weekend/evening and feel completely drained. I too had a bad childhood, so now I'm wondering if the 2 elements are linked somehow? Perhaps the people I trusted the most to take care of me did a bad job, therefore I don't trust ANYONE! So never really bond or trust friends completely. Just go through the motions of supposed friendship processes. Now I only have one friend who I rarely see but text often, but have to push myself to go out with her once every 3 months. She's a lovely lady but I don't enjoy it, ever! Always thought there is something wrong with me to not want to go out with friends nor enjoy their company.

No DH is not supportive at all. I’ve opened up lots of times but he just stays quiet, I get angry at him for staying quiet then he screams at me as I’m yelling at him! So I’ve learnt to just stay quiet, he was moaning yesterday that he can’t find his clothes and they need to be sorted out. Today I asked him very kindly if he could sort his clothes out and his response was “sort out? How? What do you mean?” I explained the conversation we had before I was leaving to meet my friend yesterday where he was shouting that he can’t find anything and his clothes are never sorted. He still hasn’t sorted them out. They’ve gone to his mothers (kids and DH and I’m staying home today, no doubt she will complain but I don’t care

Unless you’re a Hollywood actor, it’s unlikely they regard you particularly fondly either op

That is SO rude, honestly how dare you!

She’s not wrong.

You see this poster was exactly the type of person I was thinking of when I was thinking about groups of women who feel threatened when other women don’t fit into their group mentality. They find it threatening so try and undermine them and shame them into either forming part of the group or try and convince society they aren’t worthy. In this case it’s clear that the poster was insinuating that unless she formed part of the standard presentation the OP wasn’t worthy of a partner. It’s such a stereotype it’s laughable.

He is an adult and you are not his mother.

If he has checked out of the relationship I don't think you owe him anything.

I have no advice, but I'm sorry things are so miserable for you just now 💐

I suspect @Tweetytweet81 recognised herself a little bit too much.

I suspect we will see the following accusations come my way;

You’re not very bright

You have no friends (possibly with the phrase “table for one”)

Various iterations of no one (esp men) don’t like you

Various iterations of you aren’t acceptable to society - focusing variously on looks, role, family

Possibly ending with you’ll die alone.

It’s pretty much a cry of Heretic, Exile and condemnation to hell.

It would be entertaining if it wasn’t so predictable.

It’s a script we teach girls from a young age - embedded misogyny .

Depends a lot on what you want from friendships. For some people it's pretty transactional- someone to go to the cinema with for example. They don't get joy from it. It's a means to an end. I know I'm like this. I know it's not great. I'm asd btw.

OP I would suggest you work strongly on yourself. Get confidence in yourself, build yourself up mentally and physically. You’ll attract don’t need anyone else for that journey you have everything you need within you. You are strong, you are wonderful, you are enough. You need to find ways to ensure you bring this out in the world.

Can’t actually remember when I last used either of those words tbh. Why would you think I frequently use these.

The word “bizarre” you initially use, again plays exactly into the script of an attempt at “othering”.

I don’t really mix with people who do this very often anymore- it’s quite entertaining to see the stereotype playing out so predictably. Carry on.,

I would make an appointment with your GP to get checked out for depression or low mood.

I hope you won’t even consider sorting out the clothes.
It’s a shit situation but in relationship like this, you don’t get any respect taking on someone else’s stuff, even if you thought it would help.
I think it’s time to have a serious conversation and ask if he wants to separate.
If he doesn’t, then have a conversation about what the two of you need from each other. You’re meant to be in a partnership. You’re meant to be on the same team and support each other.
If you’re not getting this and you can’t see you ever will, then leave the partnership because it will only get worse.

You’re right!!!

Also, as someone who works in the mental health sector - it sounds like a trauma presentation. For some individuals out there, people can actually dysregulate them which can be hard to cope with.

Also, without psychopathologising as well, it could simply be that OP prefers their own company, introverted etc. And that is also fine!!

Mumsnet ought to be a supportive community space!

To be perfectly honest, you don’t sound like a hoot yourself.

Also quite strange that one would need to be a Hollywood actor to be “likeable” or attract a lot of people.

You’re also not really adding anything useful to this thread, are you? I would hazard a guess you don’t really have much going on in your own life that you feel the need to beat random people online down. Sad really.

You can’t medicate your way out of a shit relationship.

I agree, it could be both. Trauma often leaves someone as feeling they’re insufficient in some way.

We need to be encouraging the message to all women, that we are enough just as we are. We don’t need others approval for self worth. If we prefer our own company that is absolutely fine. Society has always (sometimes literally) demonised women like this - see witches).

There’s an old adage that if you dislike one or two bad people in your life that’s probably a them problem, but if everyone in your life is a tiring chore you dislike that might be a you problem.