Aibu to not pick up my neighbours kid from school?

[BabyBurrito]

Hi, need some advice here please.

My DS and one of my neighbours DD are in the same class at school (Yr 3). We only moved here a year ago when they were both in Yr 2 and at first everything was nice, the kids used to play outside together, go between houses for 30 mins now and again. All fine, neighbours DD seems a sweet kid.

Then one morning before school I got a knock at the front door and the neighbours DD is on the front door step by herself asking if I can take her to school as mum said it was an emergency. The neighbour had recently had a DS who had been quite poorly recently so of course I said that’s fine, does your mum know you’re here etc. She said yes and I made her breakfast as she said her mum hadn’t made her any, as her dad wasn’t home. Again I thought the LO was sick or in hospital so didn’t think much of it. Then my neighbour appeared and asked if her DD was there (?!) and if I could take her to school too. I said yes and asked if everything was ok, she gave me a weird look and said yes then left. I don’t know why but I got a weird vibe from the whole thing and on the way to school her DD said her mum didn’t make her breakfast when her dad wasn’t there, only dad made her breakfast (?!) and her baby brother was fine.

After that the neighbour kept sending her DD down to play after school with my DS, always at our house, but I work at home and was essentially supervising two pretty active 7 year olds whilst also trying to work, so I started saying no because I was working, and she then stopped speaking to me for a few months and kept giving me really dirty looks when she saw me.

then suddenly last week a knock came to our front door about 40 mins before school pick up and she asked if I was going to school to collect my DS, I said no as he was in wraparound as I was working. I asked if everything was ok and again she gave me a really dirty look and said everything’s ok. Her DH then came back to their house, around school finish time with their DD, so he must have been local so not sure why she asked me?!

Later that day my DH said that he saw her come back home in the car with her DS (now a toddler) and he ran way from the car (not a public road, it’s inside an estate and away from any traffic so no safety concern) and she lifted her DS off the ground by the arm whilst shouting at him and carried him like that back as he was crying, my DH said he was really shocked at how aggressive and angry she was and that it wasn’t right and she was lucky she didn’t hurt him.

im now at the stage that I don’t want anything to do with this woman or her DD in my house, even though the DD is a lovely little girl. To be honest my instinct is there is something really off with her (the neighbour) and she gives me bad vibes so much that I don’t want my DS in her home. I often hear her DS screaming whilst her DD is at school, as if he has been left alone, even though her car is there.

i know she will ask me again to pick up her DS and I don’t want to, but they are literally the same class.

I feel like an asshole but I want to say no as I just feel there is something not right in that house. I don’t want them to play together anymore either tbh.

There are other things too but too much to post here, it’s an essay already, sorry!

Safeguard the children by having a word in the school. She is hostile with you anyway.

I assume you’ve spoken to the school about how concerned you are about how these children are treated?

YABU for not mentioning any plans to raise concerns with school over the welfare of these children.

Sounds like you need to report to your local MASH team. They will be able to give her the support she needs. Don't think its a bad thing...its better to be safe

Could she have untreated PND? If you are worried about the children please speak to the school.

Very torn, her being hostile when you say no is ridiculous although she might just have that kind of a face and be panicking because she’s stuck. The child running away and her picking him up, I don’t think your dh can judge that, she was surely trying to get the child to safely and worried so again wrong expression? The child crying etc and the other child not having breakfast though, I don’t know, that’s worrying

I have spoken to the principal before, and he brushed me off.

Although I didn’t see it the incident my DH saw makes my feel sick, I don’t know if I can contact social services.

I don’t want to be one of those neighbours with twitchy curtains by the DD is also very thin recently and to be honest I’m worried about her.

i don’t know if I’m overreacting, that’s why I’m on here.

i don’t have much tangible other than my instincts here.

Speak to school safeguarding.
If you cN offer a safe haven for tge girl do.
You might end up having to call ss when she is with you

I have but they were very dismissive. I’ll speak to them again but don’t know if it’s better to speak to others also, as I felt like they just ignored me. The DH organises a lot of stuff for the school and maybe they don’t want to rock the boat is my worry

It’s not in an unsafe area though that’s the thing. My DH said she seemed really angry rather than concerned.

I would always lean towards being on the safe side for the children. You know something isn't right. You can make that known for them. And as @Ponoka7 says she's been off with you anyway so it's not like you're losing a friend. Speak to the school, or social services, and use the words 'safeguarding concern' so they know what they're doing if they brush you off.

Don't worry about being a twitchy curtained neighbour. Worry about being someone who had the chance to stick up for children but didn't.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/report/

Trust your instincts. If you feel that something is off, then trust that. You can certainly speak to school again, and use the phase "I have safeguarding concerns" If the principle wasn't receptive, speak to the deputy head, senco, anyone in the STL. Ask who is the safeguarding lead and speak to them directly. Social services is also an option if you feel school aren't listening.

I'd want to keep my child at a distance too. So when the mum asks for you to drop off or collect, just say "Oh I'm afraid that doesn't work for me today" with a sympathetic head tilt

You can report via NSPCC or social services. I would include that you tried to report it to her school and their response. NSPCC is a bit more anonymous I think.

Report to social services. Never ignore your gut when it comes to children’s care and safety.

You need to report it directly to mash they record everything and build a picture. In my experience schools can be lax on things especially out of school.
I wouldn't stop the children playing together it's not the child's fault and you could be the only happy safe space she has. Whilst it's not a duty legally I think we should all help children in need, one day your child might need help for something how would you want her treated?

Stick to your guns, and refuse to take her. If she turns up, send her home. It’s not your re sad possibility to take her child too and from school. Listen to your gut instincts.

Trust your instincts, email the school designated safeguarding lead, their email can usually be found on the school website (the DSL may not be the head). They will have to act on the information you give, you will remain anonymous and will not be named if/when any action is taken

sound like their was a change in the mum after having baby, could be possible PND. You can contact social services anomalously through an online form. You will never forgive yourself if something happens to the kids.

Yes my gut feeling is there is something not right, I don’t know if it’s undiagnosed PND but in any case there is something off. I didn’t know if I was overthinking/overreacting but I’ve woke up this morning and read all your replies and realised I’m not. I’m going to report via NSPCC and speak to school on Monday, before I didn’t know to use the words “safeguarding” so maybe this time they’ll take note. I won’t be taking her in the meantime as I feel the Mum can’t be trusted (there are other incidents I just haven’t detailed here that also give bad vibes).

thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice

My toddler ran from me, and I screamed at him before hugging him tight a he'd gone by a road. The fear does make you scream.

The no breakfast thing, also the stories my older kid says to each parent that aren't strictly true is insane. It's better now older but 7 was peak time for not giving full story/active imagination.

By all means report but also take a step back and just because you don't like her, find her odd didn't necessarily mean she's neglecting her kids.

You are in a horrible position but I would report again to social services and school in writing. I would also keep a diary of every troubling interaction with any of them. It would eat you up if something happened to those kids. Yes, parents can get angry when scared but I would trust your DH’s feeling about what he saw over anyone on mumsnet who wasn’t there. This incident combined with all the others is concerning. Perhaps the DD has an appetite and is being fed by mum but perhaps she’s not being fed. Perhaps the DS has issues hence all the screaming but perhaps it’s something else.

The safeguarding lead for the school is likely on their website so you can ask to speak to them directly

I think you're doing the right thing in general keeping your distance and having boundaries as it sounds like she will take the piss. However i do feel sorry for the daughter - you say she is nice, she is potentially not being fed, and you don't want your son playing with her, over issues that aren't her fault. Your house could be the only place she sees a normal family. If your child gets on with her I'd try and continue to have her over so you can keep an eye, make sure she is sometimes fed etc, although appreciate you don't have to and it is likely to lead to more requests

I would again report your concerns to the school.

Do you have a camera doorbell or can see who is ringing? I would just ignore the door if it's 2.50pm and it's them.

Everyone will tell you no, it’s fine, you shouldn’t help. But if my literally not going out of my way to give a lift to a child and show kindness to that child who comes from a shitty home, I would not hesitate to do so.