To go abroad on holiday (EU) 2 days after DH has major surgery?

[chocolatebiscuitforme]

Name change for this one as could be outing.

DH has Dupreten's contracture. Had surgery on both hands twice. All good with his right hand, but his left hand is becoming more claw-like & increasingly useless to him. I have to help him dress - he can't manage buttons, had problems putting on socks, doing up shoes, I have to cut up his food as he can't manage a knife & fork, all kind of little things. It's a big frustration to him & he hates needing my help. I get that.

He saw the consultant recently who has said he can have more surgery on his left hand, which hopefully will release his 3 forefingers, but he needs his little finger to be removed. He has a surgery date of 29/9/25 & after that he will have his arm elevated in plaster cast for at least 8 weeks. Surgeon has warned him that he will need help dressing etc for some months afterwards & risk of infection etc. We're booked fly out to Madeira for 14 days on 3/10/25. I've said it's too close to his surgery & he should delay his surgery until we get home. He's said 'no' as he wants it over & done with ASAP. I have every sympathy with his feelings, but I'm concerned that he will be in the early stages of recovery & not a good time to go on holiday, especially to somewhere that is likely to be warm (which is why we booked Madeira in October). We have holiday insurance, but they won't pay out as they regard it as elective surgery that could be booked for after our holiday. I must confess that I'm concerned that my holiday will be ruined by caring for post-op DH rather than enjoying travelling around the island etc.

As it stands DH has left a message with consultant's secretary to say that we're due to fly abroad 2 days after surgery & would this be OK. We have yet to hear back. I strongly suspect that they will say that he's not safe to travel abroad due to the risk of infection, the fact that he will have had a general anaesthetic so soon and many other reasons.

But, my question is: AIBU to ask him to delay his surgery until we get home?

Ywbvu

i’m sure the surgery can be moved to after the holiday but how much longer will he be waiting?

I don’t think dh is unreasonable to want the op asap however once he’s realised the money for the holiday is lost he may change his mind

is changing the dates of the holiday an option? Might be nice in spring in Madeira

I'm mot sure it's reasonable to ask him to delay the surgery but you both need to have your eyes wide open that the holiday will not be happening if the surgery goes ahead that day. He won't be in a fit state to travel, you won't be able to enjoy the holiday while nursing him, and it is likely that he'll need medical attention while you are away (eg to check if you are worried about wound infection) which will not be covered by insurance and could be very expensive. His choices are to have the surgery on that date and cancel the holiday and lose the money, or have the holiday followed by the surgery a few weeks later.

He is blithely underestimating the pain and what kind of shit creek YOU will be in if post-op complications set in and you are far away.

I have a bull headed man. I sympathise.

If they can't delay the surgery, just going to have to swallow the £2k loss. That money is gone anyway, forget about it.

Surely you delay a holiday, not surgery?

@chocolatebiscuitforme after that he will have his arm elevated in plaster cast for at least 8 weeks

If flying, the plaster cast will need to be split to prevent dangerous issues from the change in pressure at high altitude. This will change the cast's effectiveness if done so soon after surgery and could reduce the success of the whole procedure. The airline will refuse you boarding without a dr letter confirming you are safe to fly, which they won't decide whether to do until after the procedure. The amount of painkillers he will need to be on will mean he doesn't have energy for much activity on the holiday, he will just want to be propped up somewhere and allowed to doze. He won't have any less fun at home.

No idea which airline is involved but for info flying so soon after surgery might require a bit more than just rocking up with a free form letter from the Doc...

https://www.britishairways.com/content/information/travel-assistance/medical-conditions-and-pregnancy

Thank you to all MNers for your input.

We go on several holidays a year so have an annual health insurance policy. We called the insurance company who confirmed that since the surgery was 'elective' - in other words not surgery as a result of an accident or life saving surgery, they wouldn't pay any cancellation fees. We rang TUI to see if we could rebook to next Spring (we said we would be willing to pay any extra costs), they said a similar thing - elective surgery not life-saving etc, so no. DH didn't want to rebook anyway as he says I need a holiday as I'm always on the go, work too hard, I look stressed & need the break. 😍

DH rang his consultant's secretary, explained that he had a holiday booked & asked if it would be OK to go ahead. As I thought, the consultant said that he wouldn't be fit to fly for at least 3 months after surgery, probably longer. So, he's gone back onto the waiting list, has asked for a cancellation if one comes up and the consultant thinks it's very likely to be done before Christmas which is good.

We can go on our holiday, have a nice relaxing time and then DH can think of that while recovering from surgery.

Great resolution @chocolatebiscuitforme, have a fantastic trip!