To go abroad on holiday (EU) 2 days after DH has major surgery?

[chocolatebiscuitforme]

Name change for this one as could be outing.

DH has Dupreten's contracture. Had surgery on both hands twice. All good with his right hand, but his left hand is becoming more claw-like & increasingly useless to him. I have to help him dress - he can't manage buttons, had problems putting on socks, doing up shoes, I have to cut up his food as he can't manage a knife & fork, all kind of little things. It's a big frustration to him & he hates needing my help. I get that.

He saw the consultant recently who has said he can have more surgery on his left hand, which hopefully will release his 3 forefingers, but he needs his little finger to be removed. He has a surgery date of 29/9/25 & after that he will have his arm elevated in plaster cast for at least 8 weeks. Surgeon has warned him that he will need help dressing etc for some months afterwards & risk of infection etc. We're booked fly out to Madeira for 14 days on 3/10/25. I've said it's too close to his surgery & he should delay his surgery until we get home. He's said 'no' as he wants it over & done with ASAP. I have every sympathy with his feelings, but I'm concerned that he will be in the early stages of recovery & not a good time to go on holiday, especially to somewhere that is likely to be warm (which is why we booked Madeira in October). We have holiday insurance, but they won't pay out as they regard it as elective surgery that could be booked for after our holiday. I must confess that I'm concerned that my holiday will be ruined by caring for post-op DH rather than enjoying travelling around the island etc.

As it stands DH has left a message with consultant's secretary to say that we're due to fly abroad 2 days after surgery & would this be OK. We have yet to hear back. I strongly suspect that they will say that he's not safe to travel abroad due to the risk of infection, the fact that he will have had a general anaesthetic so soon and many other reasons.

But, my question is: AIBU to ask him to delay his surgery until we get home?

I have clawed hands and have had around 6 tendon surgeries on various digits , including tying tendons together and other delights.

I think if you go it will be an awful holiday and he risks ruining the op so it just isn't worth it . I have been very fortunate with surgeons being happy to change dates of ops and sure he would have similar success.

I totally get why he wants the op ASAP so if does not hang over him but I think he will regret the holiday - try and get him to be patient and delay the hol as I can't tell you the pleasure of being able to hold a toothbrush after a wait for surgery and physio!

Thank you for your kindness & sensible suggestion

you want to have the surgery AND not lose money on the holiday. The only option is to delay the surgery to after the holiday. I can’t imagine there would be any joy in going on holiday, by air, two days after a GA and an amputation. Wound will need checking, dressings changed, antibiotics administered, he’ll probably still feel a bit woozy. The worst option is to have the surgery and then go away.

I get he wants it dealt with asap, but this is just the way the NHS goes with dates and you can’t afford to lose the 2 grand. What else is there really.

Thank you for your help. It's difficult dealing with a pugnacious man sometimes. Yes- his headmaster once called him pugnacious in a school report & his mother made him look it up in the dictionary. 😂

Did you miss that OPs DH is having a finger amputated (so more risk of infection) and that he willl have his arm in an elevated cast.

OP - from what you describe your DH must be in a lot of pain and will be desperate for his op. i would never ask someone to delay an operation for a holiday. And even if he is allowed to fly, it takes a good few days to recover form GA and he will be in a lot of pain, and without being too grim if they give him strong painkillers he will have to be dealing with constipation, drowsiness etc.
Really not ideal on holiday.
Is there anyone who can look after him (just to pop in a couple of times for the first few days and help with anything he needs) and you go away either on your own or see if a friend/ family member will come.
Its not practical for him to go, and he is perfectly reasonable to not cancel his op. (hopefully he won't get cancelled on the day of the op as sometimes happens)

People are so weird on here about anything to do with the nhs. When people are having lots of surgery or regular treatment it is common to have to move appointments for important school/work stuff and holidays. I’ve had to do it before.

If they say he can’t fly straight after, then I’d ask to move the appointment. If he really wants to get it out of the way then you will have to cancel the holiday, but it would be a shame.

Thank you for your suggestion.

Our daughter is a nurse & lives about 15-20 minutes away, but I couldn't/wouldn't go on holiday leaving him at home. I know that our DD would have him stay with her, but still I couldn't have a good time knowing that he was at home in pain & missing out.

I think it’s because most of us who have required any sort of hospital appointment or treatment have had to wait months and months and months, sometimes even years, for it and have sometimes had the frustration of having appointments changed or cancelled with very little notice. Little surprise that we tend to be ‘weird’ about the NHS and tend to grab onto opportunities to be seen with both hands. If I were waiting to have life-changing surgery like the OP’s DH is, I certainly wouldn’t be worrying about my two weeks in Madeira.

He's not in pain as such - he gets cramps in his hand, but, as he says, no way as bad as the pain in his knee-he's waiting for a knee replacement op & has been for over a year. After waiting for so long for a knee replacement, we never expected this op to come up so soon. But, as I say, I get how he wants it out of the way and, if it comes to it, I'm willing to forgo the holiday. There will be others.

But it's DH who is determined that he will be able to go on holiday & is looking at booking boat trips & other excursions. I'm saying hang on darling, let's see what the surgeon has to say first, we may not be able to go at all.

I was working in bed the day after surgery with 25 stitches in one hand and then back at work the next day with someone to drive me and carry the bags. Not what I would recommend but I was young and foolish and ended up having more surgery. However I do think you need to be pugnacious to have this type of problem and get on with life !

This has got to be the most selfish thread I've ever read on here.

Why?

I think you’re unreasonable to even suggest you delay his op until you know how long the wait would be.

But even then, please take into consideration that the NHS can be a mess and even if he is given another date shortly aftet the holiday, there is a risk they can change it again.

I needed surgery last year and they changed my date 4 times, delaying it a further month.

I would cancel the holiday and take the surgery. It’s also not you having to live with the condition.

I agree. I suspect that the surgeon will say no to us flying 2 days after his op.

To make it clear IF IT'S A CHOICE BETWEEN MY DH'S HEALTH & A HOLIDAY DH'S HEALTH TAKES PRESICENCE. Can I make it clearer?

Just read about the planned knee op - would suggest you buy some smart crutches rather than rely on the standard nhs or the arthritis nhs ones - the nhs crutches have added to my clawed hand difficulties . The smart crutches put the pressure on your forearms rather than your fingers. Even months after hand surgery he risks a tendon rupture if he uses nhs crutches.

Thank you - we've bought the kind of crutches that support you on the forearm rather than the usual kind. Luckily it's his left knee so he can have his crutch in his right arm. Though, of course, in saving his left leg, his right one is now giving problems.

"I've said it's too close to his surgery & he should delay his surgery until we get home. He's said 'no' as he wants it over & done with ASAP. I have every sympathy with his feelings, but I'm concerned that he will be in the early stages of recovery & not a good time to go on holiday, especially to somewhere that is likely to be warm (which is why we booked Madeira in October)."

Why don't you read a snippet of what you've written in your OP, and see if you can now see just how selfish of you this is.

You very much come across that your holiday is more important than your husband's condition or post-surgery recovery. You really do not come across well at all in this post. I feel sorry for your husband.

To be fair to you, OP, your subsequent posts come across as more reasonable - and sympathetic - than the first one.

Obviously you delay the holiday not the surgery. I mean obviously.

Have you checked about travel insurance ? I’d expect the premium to be very prohibitive so soon after anaesthesia and surgery even if he’s signed as ok to travel

If you read my posts you will know that I've always been keen on foregoing the holiday in favour of DH's surgery. It's him who's determined to do both not me.

It's not a life or death surgery fgs, and it's ops husband that seems to be so bloody minded about wanting everything how he wants it, but he doesn't get to decide certain things like being refunded for a holiday.
I would look at how much of a wait he is likely to have if the surgeon rebooks after September op, a couple of weeks won't matter much in the grand scheme and I think you're right, recovery would be better after a holiday.

We buy holiday insurance on an annual basis as we take several holidays a year, I am aware it will need to be declared & will probably put our premium up - Que Cera.

Thank you - my thoughts exactly, but OK with sucking it up & losing the holiday if that's our only option. As I say, DH health comes first. I'm sure if it was me he would say the same.

I misunderstood. YABU to delay the surgery.