To want to address parenting styles with my oldest friend

[BubbalaDetalla]

I have a friend who idolises her DS. Most of the time I admire her and think she is an amazing mum. And he is a great kid. Recently, however, I have sometimes found her approach with him quite damaging for a number of reasons. She is in my view excessively defensive of her DS to the detriment of other kids (and potentially her own DS) This recently caused an issue when her DS was being quite dominating with my (gentle and shy) DS and I intervened to separate them.
She wants to meet up in half term and I don't currently want to do this because I am uncomfortable with her parenting style. I feel like if her DS was overbearing with my DS she wouldn't intervene and would be pissed off if I did. And of course I won't put my DS in this situation.
I have known this friend for over 35 years. We have been incredibly close in the past and were a lifeline to each other during mat leave and various trials and tribulations of life. It is only since the boys turned 5, in the last year or so that this has become an issue.
My friend lost both of her parents very young and while she has dealt with this in a way I admire, and in many ways is admirably strong, I do think she has some.issues potentially related to this/abandonment issues that are born out in her parenting. I think she is quite unhappy and her DS is her primary source of price and joy. She cannot bear to tell her DS off, even when in my view she should
It's coming to the point where I love her and her DS in themselves but I don't like the dynamic of the four of us together.
My DH thinks I should not mention my views to my friend and let the relationship fade out. He has no qualms with burning bridges but I am loathe to let go of the friendship and am considering broaching the issue with her.
We have always spoken frankly in the past. Her friendship is really important to me - should I swallow her parenting style and keep our Ds's apart and not mention anything, or try to discuss this with her?
I think the reason it is difficult to discuss, beyond the fact that discussing opposing parenting styles is potentially disastrous and usually a no go area, is that she is very defended around this topic. She and her DH do not have the greatest relationship in part because she will not entertain any questions of her parenting style from him. Am I mad to want to broach this? Has anyone ever had a conversation like this that's gone well? We do have a few other mutual friends who have made comments /rolled eyes in the past regarding her indulgence of DS so I suspect I'm not the only one who views things this way. I feel like if it was me I'd want to know. But I know it won't be easy. Help!

I can't imagine such a conversation will go well.
i think parenthood brings about a reshuffle of your old adult friends as everyone parents differently and the ones whose child rearing methods cause conflict/their kids don't get on with yours means they fall by the wayside over time because meeting up becomes an ordeal rather than something nice.
if you decide to say anything you have to be prepared for her to be so offended she ends the friendship.

I dont think either way is right or wrong but there is no way thia will end well regardless

Maybe just meet up without the kids?
Or intervene shamelessly if her child is being mean to yours and she's not doing anything about it?

It's difficult, I think having children opens up a new part of a person and she's been your friend for all these years but you don't like her parenting side and you live close to each other which makes it harder to have a friendship with her. It wouldn't matter so much of your were long distance friends.

It seems a shame to loose a long standing friendship like this. Is there any way the two of you could meet up without the boys. Suggest a cinema trip, Theatre or child free meal.

I agree with the above comments, if she is over protective (and defensive) than she is not going to take it a conversation about her parenting style very well and the two of will fall out.

Children do mature and perhaps her child will change, perhaps not who knows. I agree with not forcing your child to be with a child he doesn't like - he ce my suggestion of child free meet ups.

I wouldn't say anything, and would try and mainly meet without the boys until they get a bit older. You'll likely find the issue goes away as they grow up more and school and peer friendships have more influence on the boy's behaviour.

She won’t take it well and I wouldn’t risk it.

I’d just say meet without the children and if she queries why or pushes for them joining you, just say your son was a bit overwhelmed last time and you don’t want to push it. If she asks what you mean just say her son is so much more confident than yours and he was overwhelmed and it you can try again when they are a bit older. She’ll probably interpret that as her boy being best and too mature for your poor scrap if her spectacles are as rose tinted as you suggest.

Say nothing. Meet sans children, if possible.

You will completely alienate your friend if you bring this up. Friendship finito. Is it worth it, just to have your say?

If you really really have to say simething. You would be far better being honest about the dynamic - without getting into parenting style.

maintain the friendahip without kids along. if she questions this, say politely that you dont want to discuss this. this age/stage will
be gone soon. noone is rgt and noone is wrong. maybe she thinks your parenting style has made your kid shy? shy is not ideal.

Maybe she doesn’t like your parenting style either.

The babying is real. I seen someone on here describe their child as 62 months. WTAF have another baby if you want one that badly. Bloody ridiculous

It’s really likely that the child-on-a-pedestal thing will get better as her child gets older. School helps with a lot of these sort of issues as it forces a more realistic viewpoint.

So I’d just try and do a few months of adult only meet-ups, and then try again with the kids.

I wouldn’t try and broach it. In general by this age people have settled into parenting in a style they think is right, so she’s unlikely to changed based on one conversation with you.

The only person I knew like this was suffering from secondary infertility and kept having miscarriages when trying to have another baby - didn't make the babying of the first better but i understood. School sorted the babying aspect out and you wouldn't know now.

No don’t do it. It won’t end well. Just intervene each time and tell him off yourself or knock the play dates on the head.

This conversation will only go in one direction and it won’t be good.
I tried to raise the issue of a friend’s son being a sex pest towards my DD - very clear justification too. I’ve know her 40 yrs. We are no longer friends because she defended it in the manner of ‘your DD asked for it’.

I think you can only manage the dynamic - protect your DS - or not see them

I wouldn’t, it’ll torpedo the friendship. Ask me how I know!

The strongest you might get away with imo would be “Gosh, Bob and Johnny were really at sixes and sevens last time we got together - let’s give them a break and go out one evening just us?”

Obviously, do NOT meet up with her with her child, your duty is to protect your own child.

So either you see her minus the kids or you move on from the friendship, or you instigate World War III by bringing it up.

(Sorry didn't mean to quote.)

Don’t mention anything, it won’t end well. However, advocate for your child, so if her dc is being rough , selfish etc, don’t be passive and step in.

As others have suggested, meet without the children. Your husbands suggestion of letting this longstanding friendship to fade is a bit draconian. Makes me think he doesn’t like her. Maybe at a push put it on a slight back burner, but don’t relinquish it altogether.

if you want to meet up with the kids, meet in neutral territories, such as the park. I always think it’s harder to intervene when you’re hosting, or the guest, but not in neutral areas.

Just meet without the children. They are only 5, they have a long way to go. When they are 10, it could be a totally different picture.

If her DS is particularly domineering / aggressive, she will get the message eventually as nobody will want their kids playing with him and it will be an issue at school. This is just a point in time.

You can never criticise anyone’s parenting or their driving. It never ends well

I think there's ways around this that don't involve having a big conversation about parenting styles.

It's absolutely OK for you to intervene in a situation if she won't and her kid is getting out of hand, but it doesn't necessarily mean you need to "tell off" their kid. You can intervene positively. You can set boundaries in a calm but authoritative way, you can use humour, you can redirect the kids to a different activity if what they are doing isn't working well. Kids crave an adult "taking charge" - they want to feel safe. They want to have someone giving them instructions. Sometimes you have to just step in and do the parenting that she isn't, but it can be done in a positive way.

Your friend will learn from watching you and how you hold yourself around the kids. You can communicate how you parent just by showing her, not by having to have a big conversation about it that would probably only end up in her taking offence.

Also you can limit where you meet up - I have a friend who I will only meet up with outdoors as I find her kids frankly bonkers in my house and it feels stressful, but we have a great time outdoors.

Absolutely this.

Agree with your DH.
Do not say anything. If you can’t bear to lie, be honest - ‘I’m a bit nervous about the boys getting on after last time, my ds was really upset so I think it’s best to give it more time at the moment sorry!’ And leave it at that. But I probably wouldn’t as it won’t end well!!!

i wouldn’t try to talk to her about it. In your post you are focussed on what she is doing wrong and have created a long psycho analysis of her and what has led to her behaving like this. That’s not a good place to start a discussion from. Instead, if you want some kind of resolution, focus on the specific behaviour each time and be there kindly but very firmly intervening for your son.

Another option could be to not have the conversation until it happens again. Then say, “are you going to intervene or shall I?”

If she tries to brush it off, that would be your opportunity to explain why her child’s behaviour is unacceptable. The example would be immediate and unavoidable. You could also explain that if he is allowed to continue, nursery/ school will not be a happy experience for him.

Not unreasonable to want to, but I suspect the only impact it'll have is you won't be meeting her for lunch ever again.