To all eat the same meals!!!

[MumWhoHatesCooking]

So we have three boys (8,10,12) and we may have one meal a week that they ALL eat (for instance spaghetti bolognaise) but every.other.night I am cooking a different meal as one doesn’t like noodles for instance the other doesn’t eat beans, one only eats fries, the other two can’t stand them, one likes burgers the other likes fish fingers (but only on a certain day ya’know!)

And then one day they like something and the next week they don’t!?

Ive tried the whole you’ll eat what I’ve made and nothing else ….. they then don’t eat !

The kids are being unreasonable right?
(please tell me they’re being unreasonable, from a very frustrated mother, who hates cooking dinner and then they don’t eat it 😭)

I am aware a lot of you think I am bonkers , but this didn’t happen overnight. It’s steadily gotten worse over the years . My eldest boy has a really bland diet, this isn’t for lack of trying to get him to try different foods. Texture, smell and the way it looks are massive for him. And then when you decide to go down the route of changing small things for one child (pretty sure it’s due to his adhd) the other two obviously expect the same (and I can’t blame them really)
BUT I want to change this, as cooking and what to cook is stressful for me, and I genuinely don’t enjoy any part of it.
Hubby eats later weekdays, as he works late, so it is up to me to get something on the table.

May i ask if you guys have set days for meals?
So for instance Mondays we have pizza and fries (although two of them don’t eat fries) with tomatoes and cucumber (one will only eat tomatoes and the other two cucumber)
Then Tuesdays we eat pasta bake (which two will eat and the eldest only eats spaghetti with Parmesan)
and then rest of the week is a nightmare

And I’m loving all the ideas for different foods 💜

let them figure it out? Tell them to browse BBC good food or something and find some recipes they all agree to try.
My kids like the Roasting Tin cookbooks, the recipes are generally easy, my 10yo needs some minor assistance and 12yo can manage by themselves.

If they don't want the meal offered after getting them involved as per other PPs great suggestions then the alternative is toast or porridge/cereal. Something boring that yes may not contain their 5 a day but they will be getting that from other meals on the day and throughout the week. Make the other option as boring as possible and they need to make it themselves as you won't be cooking a different meal for them

This is what I do too - I make pasta and plain tomato sauce then bowls of sliced olives, crispy bacon, capers, cheese, peppers and people add the bits they want. Or jacket potatoes or homemade pizza with various toppings on offer.

Um wrt the boy with ADHD. You run the risk of ARFID developing if you restrict his access his 'safe foods'. Just be aware.

I have this issue, because my DC are super picky, so I feel your pain. It’s easy for people to say that they should eat it or go hungry, but dealing with hangry DC is no fun for anyone.

The only way to keep my sanity:

• put food on table so they can serve themselves
• always have at least one reasonably-filling item that they will eat on the table (even if it doesn’t traditionally go with that meal). Sometimes this means I chuck a packet of wraps or some bread on the table.
• this often means that one of my DC might only eat cucumber and bread one night for example, and another might only eat a bit of chicken and bread, but so be it

DD can be quite funny with food, she goes through fads and can sometimes be quite restrictive. I asked her to write out a list of foods she loved, foods she could tolerate and foods that were a complete no go, it was really helpful to have that written down.

My DC are older than yours, but I’ve definitely had times where I feel like I’m cooking different meals, things are much easier now.

My tips are, I do a meal plan when I do my shopping each week in the notes on my phone, I just keep adding to it, so I’ve now got a few years worth of dinners we’ve had so that helps with inspiration.

I love an Instagram recipe, as mine are older and using social media I’m always sending recipes saying would you eat this etc. I like Cardiff Mum and Mumma who cooks, Alex’s kitchen bangers is also handy for ideas.

Like lots of other posters have said I will make small adjustments, but try to do dinners we will all eat, for example DD doesn’t often want potatoes, so she can have rice or noodles instead.

When I’m doing the food shop (online!) I will ask if they’ve got any dinner ideas for the week and try and incorporate their ideas.

Lastly, from age 12ish, I did encourage them to cook once a week/fortnight, I would ask them to find a recipe/dinner idea that everyone would enjoy - helped for them to realise how tricky it is to please everyone.

We rarely all eat together due to schedules but I meal prep so the meals are available, I also always have stuff in freezer and stuff like mince in the fridge because I have teen boys who often eat 2 dinners. They are free to make themselves whatever they want but I am not making it for them if they choose not to eat what I have made

If they eat it one week they can eat it the next

as others have said, you need to simplify it- this is how we usually do it:

One main dinner but maybe minor adjustments (like for traybakes I’ll season simply for 3&5yo and spicy for dh and I; egg nights they get scrambled, I get tofu, dh gets and omlette). If it’s a meal they like I do enough for them to eat it the next day (drumsticks, pasta and red sauce, sometimes curry mince). Those days we can have something more exciting. They are always offered the food we know they won’t eat and usually there is something like rice that won’t offend them.

Bedtime snack is usually yogurt or porridge depending on what they are short on. Or I might serve an after school snack with protein if I doubt they’ll eat the dinner protein. Ideally as they get older I won’t be doing snacks or all the cooking.

I love the family movie idea

One child, so very different dynamics, but he would also not eat something unless he loved it - and was light and stubborn enough not to need much food anyway.

I made a reward chart, with a star if he tried everything on his plate (a proper spoonful) and didn’t moan at all during the meal. After 5 stars (we didn’t use it for easy meals like breakfast), he could choose the next shared meal and we would all eat it.

If he as much as started complaining, I just told him no star today.

We also had - and have - conversations about having foodstuffs you can eat, even though it’s not your favourite meal, and that it’s a skill everyone needs.

Something similar for your three?

I had years of this and a few months ago I completely opted out of cooking, planning and shopping for evening meals. My DC are young adults now and I wish I’d stop facilitating the fussiness years ago.

Serve the kids spaghetti Bolognese every night until they cry for mercy.

You and your husband can of course eat whatever takes your fancy.

I dont faff. 4 kids. You eat what is on offer or you go hungry. I don't make meals that people actively hate, but stop fannying about like you are running a restaurant.

If it is chicken, potatoes and carrots for tea and you don't like carrots then leave them. But I'm not cooking separate meals. I have had one who would pick the mushrooms out of any meal (spag bol) and leave them on the side, that is fine. But eat the rest.

Or wait for your breakfast.

@MumWhoHatesCooking Mine are 9 and 14. I cook one meal. They eat it or they don't eat it.

If they don't eat it then it's brown bread and butter and an apple. If they want pudding they at least have to try things.

My 14 year old can cook mac and cheese from scratch, naan bread pizza, and a few other things. 9 year old can make porridge, heat soup etc...

Do not cook different meals!

DD is quite picky and used to be a very slow eater. I just worked around them although with certain things, she’d like things and then not like them so I would still make meals with those things in. We had a stand off over prawns once and after that, she ate them again.

if there was something they really hated, I would plan around it but I never made separate meals. To be honest, they won’t starve and unless they really have food issues (and mine didn’t), they will eat. Sometimes kids just want the treat foods so want to skip the main meals. Not allowing this should focus their minds.

I did used to say that if they got hungry later, they would be offered what they’d left (reheated of course). I also know from having some of her friends round for tea, that she wasn’t really bad. Part of the issue is she’s not a big eater.

DD is now 19 and away at uni in term time. She has certain foods all the time (her lunch is either noodles or those microwave pasta things) but she also eats quite a bit of fruit and salad. Sharing cooking with her friend has encouraged her to try things (peer pressure is marvellous) and doing food GCSE also really helped. She still has things she absolutely hates (like eggs except in cakes or carbonara, and she loathes mayo) but it’s a ton easier now. I’m just telling you this so you know that this is not forever.

Involving kids in food can really make a difference. Try meals where they can pick and choose a bit. Things like make your own pizzas, where they pick their toppings. I do tapas teas occasionally where I made various meaty and veggie things available and let them choose as long as they try as much as possible. Fajitas where people fill their own tortillas and add things like cheese and salsas is still a favourite meal at ours. Sometimes it’s just rice and beans which I can do in 15 mins after a days work but at weekends, I do steak fajitas with peppers onions and mushrooms.

dc are grown up now, but when they were young there was one meal.

Each week everyone got to choose their favourite dinner for one meal (which everyone would have to eat). Everyone was allowed one foodstuff that they hated - and that would be removed from their plate. But it had to be pretty consistent, not chopping and changing from day to day.

So if your hated item was mushrooms (for example) then fair enough you didn;t have to eat anything with mushrooms in it. But if you also disliked sprouts, you had to eat ONE sprout (at least). You didn't have to eat a plate of sprouts but you did have to try a little bit.

My (now adult) dc said they thought it was harsh at the time, compared to their friends' parents, but that now they really appreciate their wide and varied diet and their willingness to experiment and try different things.

Are they ASD? My daughter has done this for years ( well her eldest boy is 20) other two boys are 18 and 17.. all ASD.. she's made different meals every day for at least 18 years... they sometimes will throw stuff in the airfryer... but when she gets home from work at 6pm.. its always a battle for her.
No good saying don't pamper.. she's tried that and two didnt eat for 2 days.. with ASD.. it doesn't work that way.
There is certain take aways she can order ( different items) twice a week to give her a rest.

I have a tricky situation in my house in that dd is vegetarian (I am pescatarian now, but only since about two years ago) and DS has ADHD and quite a lot of sensory issues around food. In particular, a lot of cooked vegetables and in particular beans and pulses are a no go for him.

Ive also been advised that kids with ADHD have a high need for protein and also oily fish for the omega 3. So he definitely needs the meat and fish. He will eat halloumi which is good, and it’s not only bland things - he’s fine with spice, it’s more about textures with him.

I tend to do two versions of the same dish - so tonight I did a beef bolognese and a lentil version of the same (with pasta). Or I could do a meat and a veggie chilli. Or a chicken curry and one with paneer etc. Always with raw vegetables on the side (or I’ll even serve fruit alongside the main as he’ll go for that combo).

Or when we have salmon, I’ll do maybe cauliflower dressed the same way for dd with the same potatoes and sides.

Kind of works. So if you have to do different things. can you do something very similar? Or as others have said, a family style meal with some elements the same and some different bits, so everyone can help themselves?

I have two with very differing opinions on food. I make one meal with small adjustments unless I am making something by that one cannot eat (lactose issues) or really hates (spice) in which case I try and make it when that one isn’t in for the evening meal or do a simple alternative such as beans on toast. I try and keep things as varied as possible.

visiting people I do help yourself on the table food. I don’t do this every night for family though or the kids will avoid all the veg/salad every night.

Just don’t do it. You’ve allowed the situation to happen but you can change it. They won’t refuse to eat every night- when they understand you’re serious it will change. I allow each child to have a food they don’t eat (so I never serve one child cooked carrots for instance) but I don’t offer a substitute. I say they have to eat some of the protein, some carbohydrate and the vegetable but don’t insist on a certain amount. Each child gets a meal request each week.
Start implementing a new system where you make one meal and everyone eats it or goes hungry. No substitutes and don’t beg them to eat. You’re in charge

I feel your pain!
I have 3 DC, all adults now, but I remember those days…tbh it peaked around the ages yours are, because as teenagers, they can sort themselves out, and also become responsible for taking turns cooking the evening meal.
Some tips: apparently, if something appears on your plate at least 10 times, in small portions, without being pressured to eat it, after that it feels more familiar and the child is more likely to eat it. That worked for me to some extent.
We had a system where each person ( including parents) get to choose a meal each per week, and if you do the meal planning together it becomes obvious that everyone gets a choice ( so it’s fair), but the quid pro quo is that you have to eat other people’s choices. I spelled out that I didn’t have time or energy or a big enough kitchen to cook separate meals
I might allow some slight variation, eg 2 veg, and you don’t have to eat both of them. I did (do) still major on broccoli and carrots, but beans and mange tout made regular appearances. Interestingly, they’d all eat a broad mixture of veg in stir fries.

My mum's rule was that if I didn't like what she was cooking I could have toast or cereal but she wasn't going to cook a whole separate meal just for me.

Only read the OPs messages so I’m in danger of repeating stuff….

As the mum of two now adults boys who both went through this fussy stage, here’s what I diD
I sat them both down at a non meal time and explained the issue. I told them that I understood that everyone has certain foods that they disliked and we could come up with a list of foods (around 10 items in my case, and ‘strawberries’ could go in but ‘fruit’ was too general and not allowed)
Each boy very happily compiled a list of the ten or so foods they claimed to hate most. I promised that I would NEVER expect them to eat those and wouldn’t serve them - they were very excited by this prospect😂
They were however expected to eat pretty much everything else I served them - I was reasonable in what I chose, regular everyday stuff and not stuff that was a definitely acquired taste. They agreed
At some point very soon after…..”but Mum, I don’t like it” cropped up. “Oh dear, which food do you want to take off your list to put this one on then?” Was my response

If they chose something to remove, I’d serve in the next day or soon after. Once they realised I meant business, we whittled it down to a few items they genuinely disliked and they got on with eating the rest without a fight

Both are adults who eat pretty much anything nowadays