AIBU to think this was hugely insensitive?

[TimeIsNotAHealer]

Long story short. Husband died 2 years ago suddenly and unexpectedly. Happily married over 30 years. Conversation with MIL yesterday where she said to me :

"I'm so glad that I still have my husband with me in my old age, it's so so important, I'm very lucky"

Reduced me to tears to be honest, because growing old, or having any future without him is something I'm really struggling with coming to terms with at the moment, as the loneliness and sadness gets worse.

Couldn't get it out of my head all day, and last night..so much so I was in tears or on the verge of tears for the whole time (got some strange looks on the bus).

In the end I got about 2 hours sleep last night, woke up with my face hugely ballooned up from crying, phoned in sick to work (something I can ill afford to do) because I wasn't in a fit state to go.

AIBU or was it a really insensitive and hurtful thing to say?

I’m so sorry for your enormous loss. 🌸

Your MIL was very insensitive. People can be so thoughtless.

Yes it was very insensitive, but I think she was trying to sympathise in a cack handed sort of way. I don't think she meant to upset you, sorry for your loss.

It was insensitive, yes, but probably not intentional. She lost a son, so she will be grieving too. I'd cut her some slack.

And I'm sorry for your loss.

I doubt she intended to hurt you. And her son is dead, which is a terrible loss too.

Sorry for your loss. I did not want to vote and not comment. I’m sure she did not mean to be but yes she was insensitive.
try and forget about work today and be kind to yourself

I think it’s hugely insensitive
is it a pattern or is she usually ok? Either way I would say something
did she think saying she was lucky would soften the blow? It’s was very thoughtless
💐💐

Yes very insensitive.

The truth is she doesn't know how much longer her husband will live. Statistically she will live longer so will have to face being alone and bereaved at some point. I would hope she wasn't thinking when she said that.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your DH. X

It is insensitive, yes. But this is the same MiL who has lost her son only 2 years ago, right?

In that context, I would look on her remarks as the forgivable musings of a woman grieving the death of her child and looking for the positives/bright spots in her life wherever she can find them. She probably just forgot who she was talking to in the moment.

Insensitive, but most likely meant to express sympathy for your situation. But I can see why it sounded like she wanted to rub it in.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

She was thinking out loud and unless there is a back story it doesn’t sound like she intended to deliberately upset you. She was stating a fact.

It was clumsy and insensitive but she's also grieving for her son whilst getting older, and realising her time with her husband is limited.

I’m very sorry for your loss.
People say stupid things all the time. Your MIL was thoughtless of course, but probably did not mean to hurt you.

Imagine if I had talked to her about how lucky I was to still have my son around, knowing she was hurting at his loss?

I would never say something like that. I know it would be hugely painful and insensitive. You just wouldn't say it, common sense would tell you that I think. I can't imagine thinking it wouldn't hurt someone.

Really depends on the context of the comment.

Losing a partner, losing a son, are huge. You are both grieving, and will experience and process your loss in your own way.

If you generally get on, I very much doubt she intended to be insensitive. It has, however, made you feel the hugeness of your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss. 💐

YANBU

It was insensitive regardless of her intent.

I bet she would have felt the same as you if someone said the same thing to her but changed it to son instead of husband.

Not sure why people are voting yabu when it was insensitive thing to say. Doesn’t matter that she was his mum and is likely grieving too, insensitive is insensitive.

I agree with you. It was a really insensitive thing to say. I can't imagine what her thought processes were to make her think that it was a helpful thing to say.

Yes, plus I imagine she was thinking about her son as her son, rather than her son as your husband. She wasn’t thinking ‘It would be insensitive to say out loud how glad I am I still have a husband, because X lost her husband.’ It’s also the case that the only other person in her life who lost the same son is her DH.

Im sorry for your loss, OP.

If that's the case why then is it that I know that it would be wrong and painful for me to say to her how happy I am to still have my son?

Why do I know that, but someone else doesn't?

That I cannot understand.

@Butchyrestingface She probably just forgot who she was talking to in the moment.

People do that. I once listened to someone explain the motivation behind suicide to someone who'd lost a child in exactly that way. I'd have been even more taken aback if I hadn't reminded myself of how horribly obtuse I can be when I'm distracted, anxious or just have a lot of my mind.

@TimeIsNotAHealer I am sorry for your awful loss. No doubt your MiL meant well, but that doesn't help you and the fact doesn't make you deficient. It's only been two years - no wonder you felt she was rubbing your nose in it. I'd be astonished though, if she didn't later think "now, what the heck did you say that for Rosamund? What if Dorothea said at least she still has her son?"

Yes, insensitive, Op. Sad for you.
I doubt that she meant it to be so.

I think MIL was trying to cope with the loss of her son, searching for any type of positive, and feeling that you have it much harder than she does.

She's lost her son. Cut her some slack.

Gently, for your own wellbeing, and for the sake of your relationship with your in-laws, I would try to find a way to let this go.

It's upset you. You may need to take some space. That's fine.

OP has lost her husband and the father of her children. Maybe cut her some slack.

I will not allow it to affect our relationship, I will not hurt her (after all I could have been very rude and hurtful to her yesterday and I was not, I made that choice). But its a little hurtful to think that it's only me who needs to work on themselves here. However, I will take your words to heart. Thank you.