AIBU to think this was hugely insensitive?

[TimeIsNotAHealer]

Long story short. Husband died 2 years ago suddenly and unexpectedly. Happily married over 30 years. Conversation with MIL yesterday where she said to me :

"I'm so glad that I still have my husband with me in my old age, it's so so important, I'm very lucky"

Reduced me to tears to be honest, because growing old, or having any future without him is something I'm really struggling with coming to terms with at the moment, as the loneliness and sadness gets worse.

Couldn't get it out of my head all day, and last night..so much so I was in tears or on the verge of tears for the whole time (got some strange looks on the bus).

In the end I got about 2 hours sleep last night, woke up with my face hugely ballooned up from crying, phoned in sick to work (something I can ill afford to do) because I wasn't in a fit state to go.

AIBU or was it a really insensitive and hurtful thing to say?

I see it more as her recognising her good fortune, she said she's very lucky and very glad, so clearly she knows it isn't a given.

It's okay for it to bother you though, lots of people in grief take different comments in ways that are unpredictable, and grieving people often say things that come out wrong too (I know your MIL is also bereaved). It's okay if you want to tell her how it left you feeling, if you have that kind of relationship. But personally I don't think it's worth the potential rupture. She didn't mean anything cruel by it.

What is your relationship with your MIL like? Do you normally get on? Is she generally an insensitive person? I can't fathom her motivation for saying what she did. It almost sounds as though she was gloating that she had still had her husband and you didn't, but this was her own son.

As you have said, you would never say that you are lucky to still have your son when she has lost hers. It would be a terrible thing to say. I'm baffled by her behaviour tbh.

Why do I know that, but someone else doesn't?

Well, because we're all different and some people are less sensitive than others and some people lack social skills or emotional intelligence or the 'finer feelings'....I could go on but I won't. Only you know if this is typical for your MIL.

If that's the case why then is it that I know that it would be wrong and painful for me to say to her how happy I am to still have my son?

If you HAD said that, and your MiL was on here complaining about it, I think people would also point out the same things they are pointing out about your MiL's situation and context.

I don't think anyone is saying that they think what your MiL said was okay, just that she is probably so focussed on her own grief as a mother who has lost her child and didn't mean to be insensitive.

How OLD is your MiL btw? You said you had been married for over 30 years so you must be at least 50-ish? Your MiL must be a fair age.

There are always some posters who can't wait to put the boot in, even when responding to an OP who is bereaved and upset. You haven't done anything wrong and you haven't confronted your MIL about what she said. I am very sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss.

For what it's worth, I don't think she'd have meant it to hurt you. It was more an example of just thinking aloud.
And it's worth remembering, she lost a child at the same time as you. Grief can make people do, and say, some really bizzare shit at times.

Some people just don’t think. I went through a very hard break up a few years ago and while I was crying my step mum said “I’m just so lucky to have your dad, we love each other so much” etc. etc. and I was thinking okkk great so happy for you 👍. A while after I lost my dad, a friend said “when you were going through that I was so happy it wasn’t me” 👍. Some people don’t seem to realise that some things are ‘inside thoughts’ that they shouldn’t say out loud, or that they are saying to the wrong person. I think your MIL was very insensitive, she didn’t say it to be mean but needs to think a bit harder about keeping ‘inside thoughts’ inside in some situations

Awwww, that was so insensitive @TimeIsNotAHealer I am so sorry. It's likely that she didn't mean it in a nasty way, but that's out of order. It's like saying to someone who can't have children (and longs for them) 'oh I am sooooooooo glad I have children, I am sooooooo lucky!' It's just plain unkind to be honest.

I'm so sorry you lost your lovely husband ... I hope you're OK. 😘

But its a little hurtful to think that it's only me who needs to work on themselves here.

I don't think that is the intention... its more that you can only control your own response. You want validation for how you feel, and many have given you that reassurance.

However, you may find it helpful to think about why this has had such a big impact on you... not because you are in any way wrong to be upset but because the upset is probably more to do with where you are with your grieving.

Is she quite elderly? I also think as she lost her son, she wasn’t being malicious, but in a cack handed way trying to empathise with you. However when grieving I can understand why you might not wish to accept that, I’m sorry for your loss.

Agreed. It was either incredibly cack handed of her, or a horrible, horrrible slight.

She probably didn’t think at all. At least I hope not. I can’t imagine someone saying it if they had. I’m so sorry OP.

I have lost a child and I wouldn't find that insensitive. If anything, it shows you appreciate the enormity of my loss and are counting your blessings that you still have your child with you.

Two years is very recent when you have lost a child. MIL is probably having to look at what she can hold onto that is positive in her life. All I wanted was to go join my child sometimes. I didn't because of the people I had to be here for.

I wouldn't have found MIL's comment insensitive because it reflects how much she appreciates the enormity of your loss. That seems fairly empathetic to me. However, you did find it hurtful, and that feeling isn't wrong either.

I hope you can forgive her if she is generally okay and doesn't have form for insensitivity. Grief messes with everyone.

I don’t think she meant it in a malicious way. I gather she’s an older lady and just made a remark without thinking. I’m sorry for both of your losses. Take whatever time you need today and grieve. Sadly comments like that will happen again because sometimes people don’t think.

She is a nasty nasty person and I’d personally message her telling her how upset you are with her comments and point out that you’d never say how apply you are your son is still alive etc etc because of the same reason! Then go no contact

I don't believe she does understand the enormity of what I have lost. That's it's the complete destruction of my life as it was, in every single area, including the future I hoped and dreamed of. She once said to me that I could "move on with my life, but that they (everyone else who lost him) never could" I think that illustrates how she sees my loss compared to hers sadly.

Yes, very insensitive. Do you think she really thought about what she was saying? It seems a very odd thing to say to you in particular - but she honestly could just be thinking of herself? My mum, when she was elderly, was incapable of thinking or saying anything that didn't relate back to her in some way.

Goodness me - that was so insensitive - what can she have been thinking?

I too am widowed and comments like that trigger so much grief - great floods. It is bad enough watching all the couples around without someone saying something like this. I am retired now and would give anything not have the joy of my partner by my side in my upcoming old age. Bad enough to watch all those who have this, without someone making a point of rubbing it in.

I am sorry that this made you feel so sad .... take care.

She once said to me that I could "move on with my life, but that they (everyone else who lost him) never could" - heavens - how crass.

Yes, undoubtedly clumsy. I wonder if this is her way of giving you 'permission' to move on, an awkward way of acknowledging how important it can be to have a partner as you age - in her mind anyway!

I imagine what she is saying is that you can't replace a parent or a child, but you can start a new intimate relationship.

Yes that is very insensitive. I would not be happy for my MiL to say that to me, if I had a MiL.

I remember my mum talking about remarriage a few weeks after my dad died. It upset me terribly. I don't blame her for thinking it, but I do think it was an incredibly insensitive things to say to a grieving teenager. People say really stupid stuff sometimes.

(I wonder if she is scared that you will find someone else?).

I think there may be something in this.

This is it. You know because you are there. It's very painful being confronted with it every day as you see the people around you carry on, still having everything you have lost. For someone to say it to you, even worse. It's like sticking a knife in your heart.

OP I’m sorry for your loss.

Your MIL did stress how lucky she is to still have her husband. I wouldn’t necessarily see that as insensitive, it’s her acknowledging that there are others not in that position. Clumsily I admit.

In all your posts, you do realise that everything you have written about your loss, she could validly say about her loss too?

I think there are two particularly hard losses in life. That of a child, and that of a spouse. You expect to lose your parents, you know you may lose a spouse at some point (because one of you is going to lose the other), you don't expect to lose a child. That's out of order.

I think this is a raw time for both of you. It's only been two years. Two years is no time at all. Maybe some grief counselling to discuss all this in person might be helpful, if you haven't already had some? I found it a good place to unload.