AIBU to think this was hugely insensitive?

[TimeIsNotAHealer]

Long story short. Husband died 2 years ago suddenly and unexpectedly. Happily married over 30 years. Conversation with MIL yesterday where she said to me :

"I'm so glad that I still have my husband with me in my old age, it's so so important, I'm very lucky"

Reduced me to tears to be honest, because growing old, or having any future without him is something I'm really struggling with coming to terms with at the moment, as the loneliness and sadness gets worse.

Couldn't get it out of my head all day, and last night..so much so I was in tears or on the verge of tears for the whole time (got some strange looks on the bus).

In the end I got about 2 hours sleep last night, woke up with my face hugely ballooned up from crying, phoned in sick to work (something I can ill afford to do) because I wasn't in a fit state to go.

AIBU or was it a really insensitive and hurtful thing to say?

It’s not just you who lost him, she lost her son too. While you can find someone again she can never ever replace her son. Both of you need to find some middle ground and accept and move on. Her comment wasn’t said in a malicious way and sadly I think you need to accept that and find the therapy that works for you to accept he’s gone.

I would assume she was trying to acknowledge the magnitude of your loss.

Why is it that you think I can replace my husband?

Why do you think I can ever get over that in the way you are implying?

Why do you think my grief is less because its for a husband and not a son?

Do you hear yourself and what you are saying? I mean REALLY, do you hear yourself?

Do you understand the dismissive and minimising language you are using?

I can't believe some people are playing grief top trumps in a way to excuse what your MIL said. YANBU. And I am very sorry for your loss.

Some people are just thoughtless. My (now deceased) SIL was similar, total foot-in-mouth syndrome. She had a baby who tragically died at birth. Her brother (my DH) had a son who died in his teens. She once said that his loss wasn't as bad as hers because he got 14 more years than she did. I was 😮

I am so sorry for your loss, OP.

If she isn't one for making unkind or strange comments normally, my guess would be that she is completely consumed by her own grief.

My mother told me years ago that she once had to point out to her own mother that whilst she had lost her husband, my mother had lost her father and was also suffering.

This is really unkind. Have a heart, please.

I think it was insensitive, and I don’t think there’s any excuse for it.

My DM would say such a thing. She’s at an age where she doesn’t have the energy to think about anyone but herself anymore, but even when she was younger she found grief over bereavement really difficult to handle. All her sadnesses and emotions just would tumble out of her at any time of day, in front of anyone. Your MIL was expressing, in the same perverted and cack-handed way my mum would, that she couldn’t fathom not having the companion she’s had her whole life with her until her dying day because it would be such a sad tragedy as to be beyond her imagination. She just didn’t think beyond that thought, didn’t take the follow-on step or look at you to realise who she was talking to.

There’s no excuse for it. It’s better to say nothing at all than that. Nothing needs to be said, frankly. My DM would defend herself with “but if I can’t say how I feel to my family, who can I express myself to?”. My normal response of “you don’t have to express yourself to anyone” doesn’t generally go down well.

If it would make you feel better, and in order to ensure it doesn’t happen again, perhaps you can raise it with her in a couple of weeks’ time. Just tell her what she said, and how you felt, and ask her to be cognizant of who she’s talking to. She’s lost a son so you share a grief, but the composition of that grief is different for a wife versus a mother. You’re mourning the same person, but also have lost different parts of yourselves. It’s ok to talk about that.

I think she was probably trying to empathise with you, and say "I know you don't have this, and I am lucky".

Probably cack-handed, as another poster said: I don't think it's intentionally hurtful.

Goodness, what an awful thing to write.
The OP's husband isn't replaceable.

@TimeIsNotAHealer
I’m sorry for your loss.
When my mum died my grandmother was inconsolable, never got over it.
I think I remember her saying to me , something about dad rebuilding his life, but she would NEVER say that to dad in million years.

Because unfortunately emotional intelligence and empathy are dealt out (or acquired) very unevenly in this world. It always astonishes me how utterly thoughtless some people can be when they state "facts."
It would have hurt me deeply as well in your situation--and I am so sorry for your loss.

It was extremely insensitive but sometimes people not in your position just don’t understand.

when I lost my husband and told a friend the loneliness was the hardest thing for me she told me it wasn’t any different for her because her husband wasn’t much of a talker.

People who have never experienced this loss can never understand. Your MIL will be grieving for her son and may need more time to appreciate your position. It was still a horribly upsetting thing for her to say.

Hugely insensitive.
She sounds a bit thick to be honest.
Of course everything is still very very raw.
5 years is what I have heard for the raw pain to settle a bit.
I'm so sorry OP.
Perhaps see her less.
You were very kind not to snap back at such a remark as that.

Wow.

Did she say such thoughtless things before you lost your husband, her son?

If she is usually like this, why deal with her? She says you can move on, perhaps you should do so from her if she has form. You don’t have to put up with such insensitivity.

Thanks to those who understood where I was coming from.

I’ve just read this properly. Sadly I don’t think this comment has to do with your loss versus hers. I think this is to do with your late DH being a part of her family by blood versus yours as “just” a married-in, and therefore less entitled to grieve. This is almost worse, after 30 years of marriage, than the comment you posted about. It’s actually somewhat vindictive. You’ve been very tolerant and forgiving of this woman. Grief does terrible things to people, but your MIL seems to have allowed it to give her licence to be cruel, specifically to you.

I’m so sorry for your loss, it all sound so raw and painful. When we’re grieving we can loose our judgment and we can see negativity in everything. It’s possible she was trying to empathise in saying she knows how fortunate she is and is not taking her husband for granted. I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid but don’t let them consume you.
I think you would benefit from joining a support group where you can talk to other people going through the same. People that really understand and help you move forward 💐

I'm not consumed, I'm just hurt and upset. Especially since it seems like its not an even bar. I have to be careful and thoughtful in what I say so that I don't hurt others, but they in turn can be unthinking and say things that hurt me very much. I think I am worthy of the same care as them. If I'm not I would like a good reason as to why.

I think we all have to deal with often well meant but insensitive comments when we lose someone we love. I had people tell me they knew just how I felt losing my child because their cat had died a few months ago (no, it's really not the same). Or their grandparent had died (still not the same when you lose a young person rather than someone in their 90s which is natural order).

One thing I do think I see in your posts is that maybe you think your loss is greater than hers? I don't think that is true, you are both grieving different relationships. Your loss is not greater than hers and hers is not greater than yours. They are both hugely significant losses that will affect you both for life. The loss of children and spouses is probably the most significant loss most people could go through. As is losing a parent when you are still a child.

Did you otherwise have a good relationship with her? This is a stressful time for everyone and might need a bit of grace for each other. Is this something you could gently talk to her about?

Why do you think my grief is less because its for a husband and not a son?

Because that is the way most people think - that the loss of one's child is objectively speaking the worst type of loss a person can endure.

You don't have to agree with that, of course, but it's a sentiment routinely expressed in society and not just by your MiL. You seemed aggrieved by your MiL seeming to think her grief if worse than yours, but like a PP, I formed the impression that you too think your grief is worse than hers. It's such a sad time for both of you - it would be a shame if the relationship breaks down now rather than being able to find solace in each other and your memories of your late husband.

@TimeIsNotAHealer As one widow to another (we were married nearly 30 years and he also died completely unexpectedly) yes, it was a shit thing to say. I know she's grieving her son and god forbid anyone should ever have to do that. But this should make her more sensitive, not less. If she'd talked about how she'll never recover from his loss, how she still expects him to walk through the door or something similar, I know you would have understood and shared a tear together. But she said she was glad to still have her husband alive and not have the prospect of a lonely old age. That's pretty unbelievable. So sorry OP. I hope this was a one off aberation and that she is usually much kinder.

I really hope the people who think that the loss of a lifetime, loved and adored partner is less of a loss than that of a child never have to personally experience how wrong they are.

Neither is less than the other, they are both extremely painful and valid but DIFFERENT losses. You lose a different relationship when you lose your husband to when you lose your child..but it's not a lesser relationship, and that goes both ways. Equal but different.

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

it was incredibly insensitive of her but if she's not a cruel person normally I would assume she's struggling with being able to "see" your loss as she's blinded by losing her son.

My father died when I was a child & it took me years to realise that my mother was also grieving for her husband, love of her life etc all I could see was my own loss.