To have sorted out my fiancés paperwork

[Glunkyboot]

We are in our 40’s and live together, engaged.

DP is a messy person and tends to shove everything in different places. His paperwork has no organisation and includes all the envelopes and junk mail. He has been mentioning to me for months that he needs to find some particular paperwork to sort out his pensions and an old account.

We are struggling for storage, and I said to DP a few times we would need to sort out our paperwork at some point. We have a shredder and a main filing box which would hold what we need, but DP has plastic storage boxes full of old paper bits all over the house. We could really use this space for other storage.

Key point here is, I did not nag or make a big deal of it. Just a useful job on a to do list one day.

Last night it was raining out, and he went to the gym so I said to him, I’m going to make a start on sorting this paperwork. He left the house knowing I was going to do this.

He came back to find I had sorted my paperwork, made piles of joint paperwork and nearly finished most of his paperwork ready to file or for him to sort out, and instantly went into a mood. He was stomping around in the kitchen which is really out of character for him. Instead of helping me finish off sorting it I ended up just shoving it all back onto its plastic boxes.

He told me he was pissed off I touched his stuff, but not why this was an issue. Tbh I didn’t ask WHY because the sulking and mood was so unattractive. I wasn’t sitting reading his paperwork, quick glance at the header where it was from and just putting it into piles. I have no emotional investment in this stuff but I had found all his pension bits that he said he needed to help him out.

AIBU? firstly I told him I was going to do this to free up storage, secondly I assume if he had private things to hide he didn’t want me to see, he would have spoken up before now to ask me not to, or taken better care of it to keep it safe and hidden? I’m his partner and don’t have an issue if he touched my stuff at all.

I’m not going to touch it again or ever bring this issue up, but I am not happy he’s sulking like a child and it’s made me question marriage to him.

So you will get some responses on here along the lines of it being beyond the pale that you would touch his things, throw anything of his away etc etc.

Thats not me! I have lived for 20 years with a very messy and disorganised DH and if I didn’t get a handle on his “stuff” we would be in hoarding territory. My DH also had boxes and boxes of “paperwork” - mixture of junk mail, envelopes and then actual quite important docs! On the surface it all looks manageable because all in boxes - but they take over the house and makes it look like we are still unpacking from moving. He is always promising to sort them out - never happens.

Your mistake quite frankly was to tell him what you were doing. You have to play the long game and do it by stealth. Take one box, clear the obvious crap and leave everything else in there. Do another box and put all the actual paperwork into first box and you will have an empty box/space available. Keep going until you have whittled down the boxes to a manageable number. Don’t tell him - he will never notice.

Then any new paperwork that comes in file away anything important and chuck the junk - don’t bother asking him to do it. Just you do it (or don’t do the filing - chuck it into one of the “paperwork” boxes) Eventually 99% of that “paperwork” becomes junk for shredding because unless he runs a business or has complex tax arrangements no one needs to hold “paperwork” these days.

But very important docs (birth certificate etc) put in a separate box file.

Finally - prepare yourself for years of managing this if you get married. He won’t suddenly change or start getting organised. At least now the default is on line statements etc so he can “manage” his electronic files without cluttering up the house….

He obviously assumed you were sorting your paperwork and joint stuff.
There is something intrusive about somebody going through your paperwork, even if it’s related to stuff they already know about. Even after over 20 years of marriage I’d not mess with DH’s stuff, and would feel weird about him ‘helpfully sorting’ mine tbh, unless I’d specifically asked him to go through the pile for me. It gives me the same feeling that a house guest rummaging through my knicker drawer would tbh so I can understand him being pissed off. Just apologise & move on - today is a new day. I wouldn’t be happy if he carried the mood on though.

How childish of him. You did him a favour but he sulks about it. I don’t understand how people can see this as crossing a line or being intrusive. This is your life partner, the person who you share everything with, who sees you naked and who you see naked. And they are sulking because you put their junk mail in a pile

If you can be intimate with someone, share bodily fluids you can clear out their junk mail. He needs to grow up

I actually do understand if he’s upset and not my intention but it’s the sulking I am objecting to. I’m not apologising for what I don’t know I have done, as I don’t know what he is annoyed about for a start. If he explained like an adult I would apologise. I thought he knew I meant both of our papers. Mine is all organised 😂

Forget the paperwork — do you really want to marry someone who is sulky, secretive and messy?

I wouldn't like someone sorting through my stuff. I would probably have a go at someone doing this 😫There's no way I would be sorting someone else's stuff either.

He told you he’s pissed off that you touched his stuff. Say sorry! Then the sulking should end.

Does he want to marry someone who doesn’t respect privacy and boundaries?
I’m married 27 years and would never go through my DH’s stuff without him asking me to.

He’s had plenty of time and warnings to get the job done. It evidently wasn’t that huge a job that would have required several days holiday to do or getting someone to do for him. He’s embarrassed.
he should be thanking you and be ashamed he let things slide to the pout he can’t manage his own paperwork and find his own stuff.
Having been on the receiving end of a similar DH - who subsequently died before I could sort stuff out, you’ve done yourself and him a massive favour. Trying to unravel and find missing paperwork when someone has died is not fun, easy, or a small thing to navigate.

No!

Tbh the double standard here has really rubbed me the wrong way, one rule for him one for everyone else!

He claims to be conflict avoidant so this sulk is for my benefit apparently, so that he can avoid a confrontation and ‘not get into it’ which means he will sulk as long as he thinks he needs to until he’s processed it. 🙄

If he sulks I do not give it any oxygen I ignore it, grey rocking him. Due the grey rock so far he has been loitering around me trying to engage me. I will be civil in response but with no emotion.

HOWEVER. if he perceives me to be sulking if I am quieter than usual this will set off a row where he says it’s ‘not fair’ for me to do this and create a bad atmosphere 😤

He will do this If I ‘go quiet’ as will think I’m in a mood or sulking, when I am just not particularly animated or something is not engaging. I will say 100 times I am fine nothing is wrong but eventually I will be annoyed and get cross and he will win

I’ve asked him to be an adult and just say out loud when something is wrong

For someone who doesn’t like conflict why do conflict avoiders cause more conflict 😂

‘He’s had plenty of time and warnings’!!
What the hell?!

Hmm.

i’m kind of in two minds about this.
going through someone else’s paperwork isn’t really ok, and he probably did assume you were going to sort yours and any joint stuff.

my ExH dud once try to sort my paperwork which pissed me off as I had a very clear filing system, was generally on top of it and he’d got it really out of order and I had to put it back.

we agreed that he’d run his filing system for his stuff and the joint stuff he handled and I’d run mine for my stuff and the joint stuff I handled.

however if he’s leaving boxes of junk around the place that would really annoy me too,

picks splinters out of bum from sitting on the fence.

He only told me he was pissed off when we woke up this morning and tried to give me a hug.

I said sorry you have been sulking since 9pm last night so I’m not really inclined to hug you. He responded ‘yeah I was pissed off’

I didn’t respond to this I just went in the shower

@Swiftie1878 as taken from original post. It’s a topic that has come up between them. He’s a full grown adult who could either have sorted it himself or opted to help and do it jointly or ask someone to do it for him. He also had a chance to ask her to leave it alone before he went out. He chose to do nothing. Messy, incomplete and lost paperwork has severe ramifications when someone dies. (I know as I spent a year and thousands of pounds getting things sorted after my DH unexpectedly died and had also promised to sort his paperwork and didn’t)
They are planning on getting married. There shouldn’t be any secrets between two people getting into marriage. Zero sympathy for him.

@Octavia64 I know I feel the same, I do see everyone’s points but at no stage has he objected and I haven’t been secretive!

Before he left I said about his boxes cluttering up the storage area, he said yeah there is still loads to chuck out and shred, I took this as a green light. I will never touch them again.

The boxes are going into his side of our wardrobe and can clutter up his personal areas not communal areas. He should have done this himself from the start.

We desperately need more shoe storage areas not bloody boxes full of bank statements from 1990. I will be dumping them in his area to get the storage space later today.

He’s messy, disorganised, possibly moving into hoarding of paperwork. Why else would he keep junk mail?
I would not go through DH’s paperwork without first discussing it with him, but like you I cannot abide a sulk.

Do you want to be tethered to this man? Thats the only question you need ask yourself.

My partner was like this when we were first together, it turns out he was covering up a huge financial issue and has been bankrupt twice since we met. It should have been a red flag but I was constantly told he was just private and was going to sort it out.

If this is how he behaves, why are you still planning to marry him....?

Well, technically, now it’s you who’s sulking.

Given that you told him you were going to do that and he didn't object at the time, I don't get why he was so pissed off afterwards!

It also doesn't really sound like he's got something he's trying to hide from you, else surely he'd have been a lot more careful with it all in the first place.
I think he just needs to calm down, and set aside some time to go through it all and then put a plan in place for keeping on top of it in the future. If you're engaged then you're building a life together and should be open about things anyway.

The big question is how do you feel about his sulking? Will that be a problem in the future or was this just a one off ?

declining to hug someone who had spent hours sulking, isn’t sulking. He told me he was pissed off but it wasn’t a question that needed a response. I may have said ‘ok’ in response. I needed to get ready for work. He knows how to speak to me like an adult. I am being civil and giving him the avoidance of conflict he so badly desires. He will have to make his own mind up what he wants to do now. All he has to do is use words. He can figure this out he’s an adult

You are in here, moaning about him. And refusing to apologise when you know you have upset him. You are sulking.

@Swiftie1878 for any confusion here what I would expect is:

Someone to verbalise ‘I was upset you touched my stuff’ to open a conversation about it

not sulk all night then roll over and get a hug without saying a word?

at which point I would apologise and explain I think it was miscommunication or misunderstanding and not a malicious act and won’t happen again

the end

Thanks for your feedback I appreciate your viewpoint.

I’m not sulking we spoke about other things. I’m not ignoring him (like he was me). I am sick of his sulking though and just think this was a miscommunication on both sides. I did not go out of my way to do something malicious to him. And he knows this; which is why he is not confronting me. He was expecting a hug in bed to brush over it though without ever talking and that’s not a good precedent to set.

I only have an issue with his sulking

This was a miscommunication and misunderstanding about the paperwork

1. She didn’t tell him she’d be going through his stuff.
2. She admits she hasn’t ‘nagged’ or ‘made a big deal of it’.

It is very likely that he didn’t and doesn’t consider it as big a deal as she does.
He likely doesn’t know it’s a big deal to her, as she hadn’t made it a big deal.
No-one should expect an invasion of their privacy like this. His response was probably more shock than anything else.

OP is sulking about his sulking and prolonging the argument for reasons that can only be known to herself. She claims to be the grown up, but instead of just apologising for the misunderstanding and the upset caused, she wants to perpetuate a fight.

Marriage may be a mistake.