To have sorted out my fiancés paperwork

[Glunkyboot]

We are in our 40’s and live together, engaged.

DP is a messy person and tends to shove everything in different places. His paperwork has no organisation and includes all the envelopes and junk mail. He has been mentioning to me for months that he needs to find some particular paperwork to sort out his pensions and an old account.

We are struggling for storage, and I said to DP a few times we would need to sort out our paperwork at some point. We have a shredder and a main filing box which would hold what we need, but DP has plastic storage boxes full of old paper bits all over the house. We could really use this space for other storage.

Key point here is, I did not nag or make a big deal of it. Just a useful job on a to do list one day.

Last night it was raining out, and he went to the gym so I said to him, I’m going to make a start on sorting this paperwork. He left the house knowing I was going to do this.

He came back to find I had sorted my paperwork, made piles of joint paperwork and nearly finished most of his paperwork ready to file or for him to sort out, and instantly went into a mood. He was stomping around in the kitchen which is really out of character for him. Instead of helping me finish off sorting it I ended up just shoving it all back onto its plastic boxes.

He told me he was pissed off I touched his stuff, but not why this was an issue. Tbh I didn’t ask WHY because the sulking and mood was so unattractive. I wasn’t sitting reading his paperwork, quick glance at the header where it was from and just putting it into piles. I have no emotional investment in this stuff but I had found all his pension bits that he said he needed to help him out.

AIBU? firstly I told him I was going to do this to free up storage, secondly I assume if he had private things to hide he didn’t want me to see, he would have spoken up before now to ask me not to, or taken better care of it to keep it safe and hidden? I’m his partner and don’t have an issue if he touched my stuff at all.

I’m not going to touch it again or ever bring this issue up, but I am not happy he’s sulking like a child and it’s made me question marriage to him.

He’s a hypocrite because he is saying only he is allowed to give silent treatment and sulk.

I think you need to tell him that you won’t tolerate it anymore and if doesn’t pack it in and talk like an adult, then the wedding needs to be indefinitely postponed or cancelled.

He was angry with her - understandable.
She is punishing him for being angry with her.

This all happened last night. This morning he tried to move on. She won’t let him.

Would LOVE to hear his side of this story.
Either way, they shouldn’t be getting married. It would be insufferable.

Never fails to amaze me the way some posters will excuse the worst of mail behaviour.

This is who he is, a messy, petulant, angry man child.

Do you really imagine marriage will improve that?

I assume you are a sulker and this had hit a nerve

During a sulk the other person who is being punished with silence just has to wait. we woke up this morning and he was trying to hug me without any mention of the previous evening. He was no longer sulking so I was expected to be grateful my punishment was over, and enjoy a hug with someone who is meant to love me but punishes me? I am not punishing him for anything, I am still talking to him as an adult but I do not want to be affectionate with him. It is not an adult way to behave. He is welcome to talk to me about his feelings and share them with me in an adult manner. Until then we are not just going to pretend it didn’t happen. He has made me feel uncomfortable in my own home whereas I am open to accept it was a misunderstanding that might have hurt his feelings. He was totally slamming around in the kitchen which was aggressive and it was not a pleasant experience getting the silent treatment. If he was angry he was free to talk about it. He didn’t

Not a sulker actually, but understand them.
I also understand your perspective of sulking, but consider you a denier - hard to reason with (I told him, it needed doing, he’s a hoarder etc)
You and he have different ways of dealing with conflict. This will undo your relationship. It’s good you’ve found out now.

I’m far more open to reasoning than my DP is.

Other posters called him a hoarder not me. I said he was disorganised. We have spoken about storage for shoes lots of times as we are always falling over them and both complain about it.

He’s had plenty of opportunities to voice his own opinions on the matter, I had some free time so said I’m going to crack on with this to free up space. I don’t know what he assumed or thought about it, he didn’t voice anything. He still hasn’t voiced anything - you sure do seem to like talking on his behalf though, even though he hasn’t said any words to me or you about it other than ‘I was pissed off’

please explain how you know this guy better than I do, some kind of mind reading experience? Preaching at me about how he is feeling - he’s chosen not to tell anyone 😂

Including that you wasn’t there at the time still seem to think that slamming around in the kitchen and giving your DP the silent treatment means your partner should just sit and wait for you in penance and even be in the mood for hugging someone who has acted like a right twat. No thanks. You clearly are a sulker

"Not a sulker actually, but understand them" so you'll also understand that he is being passive aggressive. "A denier"?!!

@Glunkyboot this looks useful, lots of strategies for dealing with your man child before you tie the knot. I'm sure it's fixable if he can engage as an adult.

Good luck.

Slamming around the kitchen is him deliberately trying to intimidate you.
It is the action of an aggressive man.
Is this YOUR home?
If so, you would be badshit to be marrying him and handing over half.
Madness, which you will bitterly regret.

I agree!

We have spoken.

I said what I said here pretty much.

that I would like to apologise if there was a misunderstanding that took place, my intentions were not ill intended. However it is concerning that he did not talk to me about how he felt, and stormed around giving me the silent treatment. I said this felt like a punishment, specifically one that he has voiced he doesn’t like to be on the receiving end of himself. I said it was hypocritical to demand I talk to him about how I feel rather than going quiet, but he doesn’t hold himself to the same standard or believe I deserve the same. I said I would not touch his things again and was mortified that I had overstepped the mark. But I expected him to use words to express himself to me, not use passive aggression and expect to ‘hug it out’ with no conversation taking place. I said in my shoes I had felt really uncomfortable for hours on end in his presence so hugging was the last thing I felt like doing.

He said he was taken aback seeing it all laid out and ‘didn’t want to cause a row’ so left the room to do jobs in the kitchen. He said he tried to talk to me at bedtime but the ‘damage was already done’

I said this wasn’t good enough and an excuse, he has caused a horrible worse row anyway and a horrible atmosphere and made me feel horrible and just talking to me would have sorted this out hours ago, I had no problem apologising if I am in the wrong or caused any offence - but I will not chase and grovel to him in a sulk. I expect him to talk to me like an adult. I called him out on the bedtime thing said that’s blaming me again, it’s unfair, you did not bring this topic up I have had to bring it up with YOU to clear the horrible air.

He said he agrees he is a hypocrite and made it worse than it needed to be and apologised to me.

I still don’t know how I feel about it all it’s a muddle

@Glunkyboot very good update, 15.57.

It's opened the door and he is now, in no doubt that you will not accept the "silent treatment" as a way of conflict resolution.

I do hope he heard you and will take it on board for the future of your relationship.

Hopefully, he made all the right noises and you feel somewhat more optimistic?