To have sorted out my fiancés paperwork

[Glunkyboot]

We are in our 40’s and live together, engaged.

DP is a messy person and tends to shove everything in different places. His paperwork has no organisation and includes all the envelopes and junk mail. He has been mentioning to me for months that he needs to find some particular paperwork to sort out his pensions and an old account.

We are struggling for storage, and I said to DP a few times we would need to sort out our paperwork at some point. We have a shredder and a main filing box which would hold what we need, but DP has plastic storage boxes full of old paper bits all over the house. We could really use this space for other storage.

Key point here is, I did not nag or make a big deal of it. Just a useful job on a to do list one day.

Last night it was raining out, and he went to the gym so I said to him, I’m going to make a start on sorting this paperwork. He left the house knowing I was going to do this.

He came back to find I had sorted my paperwork, made piles of joint paperwork and nearly finished most of his paperwork ready to file or for him to sort out, and instantly went into a mood. He was stomping around in the kitchen which is really out of character for him. Instead of helping me finish off sorting it I ended up just shoving it all back onto its plastic boxes.

He told me he was pissed off I touched his stuff, but not why this was an issue. Tbh I didn’t ask WHY because the sulking and mood was so unattractive. I wasn’t sitting reading his paperwork, quick glance at the header where it was from and just putting it into piles. I have no emotional investment in this stuff but I had found all his pension bits that he said he needed to help him out.

AIBU? firstly I told him I was going to do this to free up storage, secondly I assume if he had private things to hide he didn’t want me to see, he would have spoken up before now to ask me not to, or taken better care of it to keep it safe and hidden? I’m his partner and don’t have an issue if he touched my stuff at all.

I’m not going to touch it again or ever bring this issue up, but I am not happy he’s sulking like a child and it’s made me question marriage to him.

He is being unreasonable. Given you were clearly trying to help him out, if he didn't like it, the mature thing to do would be to say, "Oh! Thanks Glunkyboot. I didn't realise you were going to do my stuff too. I know it needs doing but I'd rather do it myself so can you leave my bits?"

@Swiftie1878 I asked him about his boxes. I got them out of the cupboard onto the floor (visual aid). I pointed to where they were located and said we need to put shoes here. I said I am sorting out this paperwork tonight. I could not have made this any clearer I don’t think.

Another drip feed/story change. Sigh…

Does he find paperwork hugely stressful and awful and scary to deal with (like I do), so you sorting it all out is terrifying and he is taking it out on you?

Which is absolutely not ok of course!!

That’s quite a dripfeed.

I was clear from my first post that I had explained we needed the storage. I also said he could see and knew what I was doing when he left. I told him what I was doing.

I do now think he thought I was just going to rehome them perhaps. I was not at any point secretive or misleading.

I don’t have an issue with him being upset about the paper, his feelings are valid to him.

I am bothered about how he reacted and his behaviour about it

Yes you would be right to be rethinking marriage to a sulking man child in his 40's who is messy.

Not attractive OP.
Listen very very carefully to your gut here.

Yeah he finds it overwhelming. He knows he should probably throw things out but often has a sentimental attachment to them. Things he knows I wouldn’t keep and don’t seem valuable. This is why I had made a pile of stuff for him to look through. I would never throw his stuff away because I don’t know if he has value on it or not and it’s not my decision.

All I did was put joint stuff in one pile, his stuff by category in another pile and pick out all the junk leaflets/envelopes for recycling.

That’s not the point, I did explain I was going to but accept it was too much for him and he doesn’t like it. That’s fine, we can both agree it was a miscommunication and move on. The sulking is now the main problem

He's not conflict avoidant. A cold war is still a war, just a very drawn out, tedious and stressful one, with the constant threat of going nuclear.

It sounds like he's someone who struggles with organisation and is a bit apathetic about having an organised home. My DH is similar and we've now outgrown our house, largely because he never gets rid of anything. He has paperwork relating to insurance he's had on cars he owned before I met him. So 14 years ago; we've moved house (and said paperwork) 3 times since then! We will move to a bigger house, but we need to declutter this one in order to sell it.

I've learnt to make a start on decluttering whilst DH has a day off and take the lead; 'I don't think we really need this and it's too tatty for the charity to take'. I task him with driving stuff to the tip/charity shop to offset needing to be the one to take the initiative.

He gets stressed by the thought I may throw out his stuff when he's not there (I wouldn't). I may box up some things and suggest it all looks like it could be thrown away. I've learnt to just pencil in time when we're both free. He doesn't get anywhere when left to his own devices, he'll announce he's 'made a start on sorting stuff' which means he's brought a box down from the loft, looked through it and decided he could get rid of the stuff, but then just left it in the middle of the hallway for months!

I’d be concerned there was spending in the paperwork he didn’t want you to find. Secret debt?

@hididdlyho

Yes very similar.

DC have a huge empty built in cupboard in their room I keep trying to talk to him about it what will we use it for? It’s got a load of plastic tat junk strewn across the floor of it and nothing hanging up and no shelving in it.

‘yeah I dunno’ is the answer, whilst every other storage area is absolutely overflowing with crap (mostly his) and unmanageable. If I was to reorganise the cupboard myself he would be pissed off I did it. I also hate the home office because it’s full of his junk. if I have a teams meeting in there I can never have my background on because it’s an embarrassing tip and you can’t get your feet under it for boxes

I have tried to be more firm I said we need to utilise storage best way we can, let’s talk about it but all I can control are my own items really and put my own things away

No I don’t think so. I think there might be thinks he has kept from an ex though. I don’t care if he has done that I wouldn’t be upset about it.

My handbag and bedside table drawers are a dumping ground. Occasionally DH empties them out, discards the old receipts and crushed M&Ms and I’m always rather grateful (if a little embarrassed). Maybe you partner was embarrassed that he’d failed to do it and it came to you having to help?

I think forget about the paperwork, is this how he deals with disagreement? That’s how disagreement was modelled to me, you are given the silent treatment by a parent, when they are regulated they are all smiles and then you are the bad guy if you don’t just forget it and move on.

if he knows he is conflict avoidant what is he doing about it? I am also, I have anxious attachment as well. But I know this so will have a word with myself and try not to be, he’s just using it as an excuse. Very emotionally immature behaviour and unacceptable.

I live with a disorganised man, he's random with where he puts stuff and things get lost, misplaced, hidden by other chaos. I find it hard to live with as I like a degree of logic and order. It's not a hoarding thing, more butterfly brain and not being bothered. I've set up boxes and files for him but it's up to him to use these systems to keep stuff under control.
Would he object to a neutral professional coming in to sort stuff for him or does he not want anyone touching anything of his? Has he lived with someone before and had to compromise on the use of space?
Only you can decide if you can live with this (and the sulking/conflict avoidance) as these things are unlikely to change and if anything they get worse with age. A proper conversation is called for when you're both in a level mood.

Honestly, I don't know. I've got no secrets from DH but I'd feel weird if he touched my paperwork. And I might sulk because I couldn't really explain why I was pissed off. Because logically there's nothing to be pissed off about, but we are not always logical people.

Do you really want to marry this man?

Gosh he sounds like a hoarder and his communication skills are terrible. Sulking is just not on.

I'd seriously be reconsidering marrying this guy, to echo many other pps.

@Sal17690 not right now

We had such a huge row on our last holiday as I was bored when we were not doing anything, so had a bored looking blank facial expression on my face. I didn’t say or do anything. I wasn’t sulking or complaining or ignoring anyone. I was just sitting down and there was a lull in activity.

He suspected was bored from my face so asked me ‘are you bored’ and I said ‘yes, this is a bit boring as not much going on, we could do another activity in a while but it is fine, sometimes life is boring isn’t it? I’m fine’.

He got all offended about this and confrontational and ended up in a big row with me defending myself just from being bored because my boredom upset him

He said I had caused a bad atmosphere because I didn’t hide my boredom. I asked if he wanted me to always be faking enthusiasm ? It was such a weird row

@Glunkyboot

"All he has to do is use words. He can figure this out he’s an adult" who has an avoidant communication style.

You are absolutely right, communication is key though.

Perhaps, re-iterate that he's a grown man who can voice his displeasure, he is not a petulant child. Sulking/silent treatment is not acceptable in an adult relationship.

Hopefully you'll be able to sort before marriage!! 😱

i actually think it’s totally off to expect someone to live with someone else’s mess, and by the sounds of it in this instance, hoarding. Just because he’s calling junk, ‘his stuff’ doesn’t make it ok. This is a gross imposition on your well being, OP. I think you’ve been exceptionally patient. I’d have said either make space or I will sort it long ago, or left as I couldn’t live like that.

@TorroFerney I don’t know what he is doing about it. He tries to explain that his sulky mood is just him processing his anger/annoyance and it might be irrational so he is ‘keeping it to himself’ to save inflicting it on me but that’s still punishing me with silence.

He likes to reframe it as protecting me/our relationship from conflict but I am not afraid of conflict, it is needed to understand each other. What do I understand about him from this? Absolutely nothing useful. No words were used to verbalise feelings. He didn’t tell me why he was upset I had to guess by the stomping around, he told me 10 hours later he was ‘pissed off’ but only when I brought up his sulking. Oh you were pissed off? That’s ok then why didn’t you say 🙄

You sound chronically mis-matched.
If you have so many misgivings before you’re even married…

She isn’t sulking. She is making it clear that if he sulks, she won’t automatically be happy clappy with him when he deigns to talk to her.

What you’re suggesting is that he be allowed to sulk but OP can’t respond. Which is just more sexist clap trap designed to keep women on eggshells.