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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask will I be told when my "mother" dies? TW CSA

51 replies

Howwilliknow8 · 05/09/2025 07:04

Name changed as the history is very embarrassing-its very complicated but will try and be brief.

My "mother" had me very young and was something of a wild child. She had/ has as it has transpired over time significant mental health issues that might have always been there or brought on by drug use, or a combination of both. She has been horribly abusive to me throughout my life, neglectful when I was in her care, exposing & involving me to the sex work industry frim a very young age.

Once removed from her care there was a period of complete abandonment and occasional non in person contact where she would emotionally abuse me. As an adult, I have attempted to build some form of relationship. It is just impossible, she continues to attempt to abuse, control, coerce, damage other relationships, falsely accuses others of abuse-all of this worsens with alcohol and/or drugs.

The last time I spoke to her, I cut her out of my life and told her exactly what I thought of her. Her partner who was also involved in and a perpetrator the abuse is dead now and my mother it seems is living in some grotty caravan by choice off grid. There is absolutely no value in telling me to intervene to help. I will not do it to myself, my DH or my children (who never have and never will meet her)

I am prepared to get flamed for the next part. I feel for full closure, I am waiting to be told she has died. I feel this is the only way I will get closure as I cannot have any kind of remedial conversations with her to unpick the history; logic and reason are inpossible and she would simply use the opportunity to extend the abuse.

AIBU to ask- Will I be notified when she dies? Will I be traced as she is not allowed my contact details? The whole family is NC with her because of the way she is-the abuse was not isolated to me, so I am asking as technical biological next of kin. She has-thankfully-no other children.

As stupid as it sounds I want to check its REALLY over when she dies and she cannot hurt me any more. Sorry for the long post, I have tried to summarise everything as briefly as I can-as you can imagine the history is huge so a lot has been left out, but happy to answer questions if needed to clarify situation.

OP posts:

Fallulah · 05/09/2025 07:07

Probably not officially unless you are listed as next of kin somewhere. Your best bet is extended family.

Crucible · 05/09/2025 07:11

Is there a solid reliable family member who.is fully aware of the sutuation, in yoir corner,.who could be listed as next of kin?

Original poster

Howwilliknow8 · 05/09/2025 07:15

There is not a single person prepared to be next of kin because of what she has done-every single person has cut her completely-her parents have died; there are no cousins etc. There are a limited amount of much more loosely related people who just will not involve themselves with her at all.

I cannot even say there is an old friend who could notify me. It would either be some kind of official notifying me, or no one will know I suspect. She hasn't moved very far away but far enough we would not have any mutual acquaintances-even if she was capabale of maintaining a friendship, which time has shown she isn't

OP posts:

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 05/09/2025 07:24

You haven’t done or said anything wrong. Your feelings are entirely understandable. She is not your responsibility.

Could you ask your DH to make occasional checks? He could drive by the caravan or similar.

Pissenlit · 05/09/2025 07:24

No, I imagine not, if she’s in hospital and you’re not down on any form as NOK. Or do you mean if she dies alone in her caravan, will the authorities try to find relatives?

Smartiepants79 · 05/09/2025 07:25

Is she involved with any kind of services like social care? Would any of them know that there is family that should be informed. If no one knows your existence and you are not listed as next of kin I’m not sure how they would be able to contact you.
It sounds like her funeral etc would be dealt with by the council.

PermanentTemporary · 05/09/2025 07:26

I’m afraid I don’t know. I might ring the Bereavement Officer at the local hospital trust and ask? Or perhaps if you know a police officer?

Original poster

Howwilliknow8 · 05/09/2025 07:29

Thank you for the kind responses-I realise it sounds cold, but she really has made destroying people her life's work, which is why everyone has cut her.

The caravan I believe is on the move so not really somewhere she could be checked on, but tbh I probably wouldn't ask DH to do this anyway-she lives such a chaotic lifestyle/ involved with drug dealers etc, she should really come with an exclusion zone.

I guess I am asking-if someone dies with no named next of kin or at the very least no contact details for one-is there a process to trace and notify someone they have died? Will I have to sort her funeral/ register death etc?

I have no doubt, that if she is able to, she would use her dying breath to name me as NOK out of spite.

OP posts:

DeltaFlyer · 05/09/2025 07:30

There's quite often calls for the next of kin in the back of the local paper, or the NHS trust places then on Facebook.
It may be useful for you to follow the NHS trust in the area where she lives.

miscarriageworries · 05/09/2025 07:31

Same, I don’t know if I’ll be told when my mother dies. I expect not my siblings are very close to her and keep everything secret. I was abused emotionally and physically whilst they were treated well. I don’t really care to be honest, I’ve heard from other people that they go to great lengths to hide info re her health from me. She has a large estate and I think therefore sees her worth as high but doesn’t realise to me she is worthless and although I’m not in her will I wouldn’t want anything anyway as no amount could put right what was done to me.

ForgetMeNotRose · 05/09/2025 07:31

Hi OP, I'm really sorry to hear about everything you have gone through. I was just wondering if you have had therapy to help process your upbringing? It must have been hugely traumatic.

I think I'm worried that if she did die it may bring everything back up again as grief can do weird things.

DeltaFlyer · 05/09/2025 07:32

Sorry, cross posted with you there.
May not be helpful after all if the caravan is on the move.

Randomchat · 05/09/2025 07:32

Dh was traced as next of kin of a family member in similar circumstances by the police then I think details passed on to the local council, or maybe social services, I can't remember now.

They basically wanted him/someone/anyone to organise a funeral and dispose of possessions. Dh refused to get involved at all. The council (?) organised a direct cremation. I don't know what happened to the dead person's things.

Original poster

Howwilliknow8 · 05/09/2025 07:32

I don't know if she has social care involvement-she should-she needs imo specialised mental health care and has for years-but I am not sure if she has ever accessed anything. I can't imagine so, given her current circs.

OP posts:

Plethorapeach · 05/09/2025 07:33

We are NC with DHs father. I suspect he will tell everyone in a hospital setting about his mean children not looking after him. It will take them all of 5 minutes to figure out why we do not speak to him as it is completely obvious what a prick he is. I suspect we will eventually be told. Maybe your mother will be the same.

Motnight · 05/09/2025 07:35

Op I am really sorry that your mother treated you the way she did. You don't sound cold to me, you sound sensible and keen to protect yourself and your family from her being able to do any further damage.

Soontobe60 · 05/09/2025 07:36

Howwilliknow8 · 05/09/2025 07:29

Thank you for the kind responses-I realise it sounds cold, but she really has made destroying people her life's work, which is why everyone has cut her.

I have no doubt, that if she is able to, she would use her dying breath to name me as NOK out of spite.

There is no actual legal status of Next of Kin in the UK. So no, if she dies and there are no contact details of anyone to be found in the vicinity, there may be a cursory check by the police, whereby they also put an advert on Facebook and in the local press, but failing that nothing else. She will be given a local authority cremation and her death will be recorded. You could do a search of the death records but that may draw a blank unless you have some idea of when and where she died.

Original poster

Howwilliknow8 · 05/09/2025 07:37

Randomchat · 05/09/2025 07:32

Dh was traced as next of kin of a family member in similar circumstances by the police then I think details passed on to the local council, or maybe social services, I can't remember now.

Oh this is absolutely the worst case scenario for me; I 100% could not do it, I wouldn't want any of her possessions in my lovely safe home, I would just have to have a bonfire.

Ideally I would rather not deal with it at all. But I would like the closure of being told.

In answer to another poster, thank you for being so kind. I have never had therapy. Anytime I have tried, it has been incredibly traumatic and most recently I tried to access counselling and they wanted me to try a therapy where you relive all the trauma and I just could not do it.

There will be no grief when she dies. Only relief I'm afraid.

OP posts:

Sevenamcoffee · 05/09/2025 07:41

If she dies and there is no family around authorities will make an attempt to find relatives. You do not have to be ‘listed’ anywhere but obviously it is going to be easier for them to find people they have a record of you.

I know this because it happened recently in my own family where authorities went to some lengths to find a family member when my aunt had died out of contact with anyone. I think from what was said they were looking at old census records and all sorts. I’ve also seen it happen professionally in similar circumstances. Obviously there is no guarantee they will be able to find people.

Myhairissopoofy · 05/09/2025 07:41

I dont have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry this happened to you during your childhood. You sound like an amazing mum to your DC. Your actions and feelings are 100% understandable and justified. You are doing what you need to protect yourself and your family.

x2boys · 05/09/2025 07:42

So this is anecdotal but my father in law died a couple of years ago my dh hadent had contact with him for about 30 years ( for various reasons, ) the police knocked on the door one morning to. inform of his death.

Sevenamcoffee · 05/09/2025 07:43

They are not going to force you to do anything with possessions if you don’t want to OP. Don’t worry about that. I am sorry too that you have had to go through all of this.

Randomchat · 05/09/2025 07:43

Oh this is absolutely the worst case scenario for me; I 100% could not do it, I wouldn't want any of her possessions in my lovely safe home, I would just have to have a bonfire

The police phoned dh completely out of the blue at work one afternoon. He was so taken aback by the call he couldn't think to formulate a strong enough response to say no straight away. So he got a few follow-up calls from other people.

Maybe have something at the back of your mind where you can clearly and strongly say "no, I have no relationship with this person, I will not deal with her funeral or personal effects. Don't contact me about this again and don't pass my details on in connection with her".

CatAsstrophe · 05/09/2025 07:46

I don't know if you'll be contacted @Howwilliknow8 but I just wanted convey 'solidarity' 💐 There are far too many of us who have suffered abuse, in many forms, and it's completely understandable that you've withdrawn from her. I have done the same with my 'mother'. I view it as a necessary measure in self protection.

@miscarriageworries In solidarity. I could have written your post. 💐

We didn't get the parents we deserve, but we do what we can to make our lives better 💐

Original poster

Howwilliknow8 · 05/09/2025 07:52

Thank for posting about the knock at the door as it hadn't occurred to me that possibly could happen- and now I know it could, I will at least ready myself for it as a possibility.

It's so sad to hear others' stories of experiencing the same; but it does help I am not alone in my experience and everyone has been so kind and non judgemental, thank you ❤

OP posts:

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