To feel upset at this

[LittleMissPMT]

AIBU to feel like I ruined mine and my partners date day/night?

we took the day off to spend time together as we both work long hours and he gets his DS all weekend so we can’t really do much as a couple.

I teased him about what I was planning for his birthday, I spent around 3 months researching stuff about his favourite game, and there wasn't anything grabbing my attention massively gift wise as I wanted it to be extremely special for him, so I came across an article about quirky air bnbs, I started looking up ones in Scotland and found one called airship 2, it looked really futuristic but rustic at the same time like the aesthetic of his favourite game, so I thought brilliant, a wee night in that he would probably love since it fits the vibe of the game so well.

He eventually got it out of me what it was and he said no, I didn't have an issue with him saying no at all I was just so gutted that I missed the mark with what he would like for his birthday, I didn't want to cry as that's all I've done for the last 2 weeks so I just sat quiet for a wee while in hopes that the lump in my throat would go away so I could chat without sobbing and he thought I was angry at him, so he eventually said “I’ll just stay at my mums tonight, don’t want to be where I’m not wanted”. After he said that I just felt absolutely gutted and upset like I’d ruined the whole purpose of the day/night.

AIBU?

Glamping pod was minimum £195, NC500 was £1100 all in not including fuel and food - both of which I insisted I would contribute to as a whole as I am in a position where I am able to and he never allows

So then his spending too much money excuse seems weird

I don't understand the upset to be honest.

You suggested something that he doesn't fancy doing. He's not done anything wrong, you've made it weird.

He eventually got it out of me what it was and he said no, I didn't have an issue with him saying no at all I was just so gutted that I missed the mark with what he would like for his birthday,

As you have acknowledged, it's perfectly fine for him not to fancy it. It sounds like a good idea so i can see why you're deflated that you're not quite aligned on this. But he wasn't rejecting you, he was rejecting the trip away. I think if you hadn't been having a tough time you wouldn't be on the verge of tears but seems like you need a bit more care from him right now.

All this is assuming he wasn't being arsey but from what you've said he thought he was getting the silent ttreatment?

You sound like you need to be open, communicative and kind with each other and not defensive (not saying you are).

Is he usually fussed about his own birthday, presents etc?

Yes this was my point exactly. He has booked another pod for exactly 3 weeks before Xmas this year and has told me he doesnt want me to spend as it’s too close to Xmas 😐

his birthday is in november

He’s usually excited for birthday, very spoiled from family members (not in a bad way)

I could feel the lump starting in my throat. He’s put up with a lot the last 2 weeks between me crying about my poorly son and crying over the realisation I have 0 family support and I will literally have no one if he ever left me. (Mum passed away due to OD when I was 17, dad was never present. Aunties and uncles disowned me after my mum died which made me homeless so eventually lost touch)

Maybe next time, don't tell him what the surprise is.
Spending money on him, might make him feel uncomfortable. Sounds like a giver.

I will literally have no one if he ever left me

This is about your high sensitivity to perceived rejection/abandonment, then.

He was just not fancying your idea, for whatever reason. He's rejecting the idea, not you.

Getting upset is very out of proportion - and dwelling on it more and more now is really unhelpful to you.

Therapy to work through these feelings in general is a good idea.

crying over the realisation I have 0 family support and I will literally have no one if he ever left me

Wow, did you say that to him? That’s a lot of pressure to put on a relationship!

So what would happen if you said the exact same thing to him when he plans something?
Is he controlling?
The money thing doesn’t sound true.

It sounds to me like a simple misunderstanding. You went quiet because you were trying not to cry, he assumed you were giving him the silent treatment. No one is in the wrong exactly, you just misunderstood each other. I think you need to work on your communication as a couple.

No I haven’t brought it up to him

Sounds like he is feeling the pressure of your relationship and just needs to take a breath.

I'm just wondering here - did you ever scream in the Sistine Chapel?

That's not funny on any thread, especially on this one, in which the OP has stated that she's upset about something.

I don’t even know what they mean by screaming in the Sistine chapel :(

Spending money on him, might make him feel uncomfortable. Sounds like a giver.

I wondered this.

He's either a dick or it made him feel uncomfortable for some reason.

He felt your quietness as anger.

He removed himself from the situation by going to his mum's for the night.

Any of those could be signs of childhood trauma or being a dick amd anything in between!.

Having a high earning job doesn't mean he's flawless or emotionally intelligent.

I'd speak to him and tell him how you feel - "When you..., I felt..." I would speak with him though.

Had everything been ok in your relationship lately? If not, maybe he’s not sure of the future and doesn’t want you to spend that money if you won’t even be together by his birthday! If it has been normal/great then I think he’s just trying to save you the money and organising stress for something he doesn’t fancy.

Nasty. Was it worth it to try to be funny ?

Personally, I would've graciously accepted the gift from my partner and recognised that they had tried their best to please me (even if they'd missed the mark). It was only for one bloody night after all, not a month! Alternatively, if I really thought it was a dreadful idea I'd have phrased it gently and with kindness whilst expressing my appreciation for the thought.

He didn't tell you it was a bad idea and he wasn't ungrateful. He literally just didn't want you to spend that much money. It sounds like he's thinking of you.

I mean this kindly: I think you are very overwrought and hyper-sensitive at the moment due to what you've been through with your child and have massively overreacted.

I think you need to take some very deep breaths, calm down, speak to your boyfriend and explain that you know you've been a bit OTT. And consider seeing a doctor because it sounds like you need a bit of mental health support right now.

I also think you need to stop over-investing in one thing as the solution to all your problems. You've fixated on your idea for your boyfriend's birthday as being all-important because you see your boyfriend as the one good thing in your life, and as a result you've panicked and lost the plot when it hasn't gone as planned. You need to think of things in a more proportionate way.

There is a lot in your post that is unknowable - how he experienced it, for example. What is clear is that your communication with each other is not working. I personally also sense you are struggling and not in the best place mentally.

Try to let things settle and then approach it again with him later.

Has he went to his mums? He was really rude! And it seems such an overreaction too. I'd be wondering if he is making an excuse to bugger off for a night.

It was some made up nonsense on here about some woman overreacting in the Sistine Chapel and screaming because if the emotion of it all.

It wasn't funny then and it definitely has no relation to how you're understandably feeling. Don't worry about it

He didn’t go to his mums in the end, I explained to him I was quiet as I didn’t want to cry again as that’s all he’s dealt with the last couple of weeks, he then said to me that I came across as annoyed at him. I apologised and explained this was never my intention it was just to try swallow the lump in my throat as I totally missed the mark on what he would like for his birthday