To think rehearsal dinners should be paid for?

[Sundaycoffee]

I'm a bridesmaid at my friends wedding in November. She is a bride on a budget. I've had to pay for my own dress, shoes, makeup etc which is fine and I'm happy to do. The wedding is a 2 hour drive away so I'm also paying for a hotel for 2 nights and quite frankly I can't afford anything more. Alongside the hen, do the wedding will cost me around £600 and that's before even thinking about a gift.
She's since told me that they will be having a "rehearsal dinner" the evening before. I've never attended one before and I'm not sure if I'm being expected to pay for my own meal or is it generally assumed that these are covered by the hosts? I'm a bit concerned as I can't afford more expenditure but asking if I have to pay for myself also feels awkward!

I saw this on an episode of Friends but never heard of anyone doing it in real life. Why would you need to rehearse your dinner? If you have doubts about your menu you should book a tasting session with the venue or caterers before making your menu choices. Very odd. And your friend is dreadfully bad mannered asking you to pay for your bridesmaid dress.

I am aware of them and we had one but meal at my parents afterwards as small group, but people have to buy an engagement & wedding card & present, spend for a hen/stag night/weekend, now a rehearsal dinner, but all the stuff needed for a wedding, then maybe travel and hotel for the wedding

and also maybe use annual leave? and then the wedding party cant say no or the Bride and Groom will be offended, mind you people dont have to pander to it just say no!

‘I’m sorry BB I can’t afford to pay for a meal out at the rehearsal.’

she will presumably offer to pay or tell you don’t have to go.

Well given that they have adopted an American tradition then it should follow that the Grooms family pay for the rehearsal dinner, as that is how it is done in America.

Or, given that they want all the bells and whistles without paying for them, throw a HUGE strop and sack the OP as BM.

Happened to my daughter early last year. She was out the cost of her whole (v expensive) outfit, but luckily nothing else as the wedding was local. B&G are currently going through a very nasty divorce.

ETA, DD very wisely said that it was easy to sack BM's when it had cost the bride nothing to have them as BM's in the first place. So when its only the OP who has paid out, why the hell would the bride care if OP loses money?

I have attended them but it is a meal associated with the wedding rehearsal in the church and including all the unpaid family or friends who are busy doing flowers, setting tables etc for the next day.

Those people are offered a meal together afterwards. In our family they are shared pizzas etc. purchased by B and G or an affordable pub meal paid for by person eating the meal or B & G. Absolutely not essential to attend but can be convenient when staying in a hotel away from home. Never a late night and not including alcohol.

Often both sets of parents go as they are wanting to have good PR with wedding party, are busy setting up and also liking a chance to meet before wedding the next day.

You don't usually have to go, Op. But it is an option for eating together and usually cheap or paid for. You could order a soup or a toasted sandwich for yourself.
Ask bride if they are paying for the dinner.
Don't go if you can not afford it.

At some wealthy European Royal weddings I notice that the Rehearsal Dinner is a thing involving serious catering, dressing up and celebration.

I wouldn’t usually think you’d have to pay but as you’ve paid for all the other things I think you should ask her/ confirm with her.

I don’t understand the point in rehearsal dinners. If she’s not paying just say you can’t go.

I’m wondering if it really is a budget wedding or if she’s tight and conned you into spending all this money.

Why are you staying 2 nights? Can you change it to one night and get out of the dinner?

If she’s a friend, you should be able to say ‘I’ve maxed out my budget, is the rehearsal dinner paid for?’

It sounds nice but not if it’s another thing OP has to pay for. She’s paid £600 so far, and a fancy meal could add another £100+ to her bill.

In the US, the groom's parents typically pay for the rehearsal dinner

All of those suggest that the OP is happy to pay for it herself though. I wouldn’t be. I’d say money is tight and while I would be happy to attend for the rehearsal part, I will skip the dinner.

I dont disagree with you but I see no need to say money is tight just that the whole wedding is costing too much for any sane person, billionaire or not

She's not a bride on a budget. She's a bride who has conned other people into paying for her wedding. Put your foot down.

100% agree.
Does not sounds like a budget wedding with 2 nights in a hotel, rehearsal dinner etc.

Sounds like they just want everyone else to spend their personal budgets on this wedding!

Edited to add you sound a lovely and thoughtful friend but put yourself first and do what is right for you - if you can't afford it or don't want to spend more than 600 quid already committed then that is that.

If it's a rehearsal dinner perhaps you will have an empty plate and just pretend to eat a meal? Whilst making 'mmm' noises, and saying things like "These thrice-cooked chips are lovely", and "I've never seen such a big tomato before".

I didn't know this was a thing.
But we did it 20 years ago.

Rehearsal was after work in Friday evening to give people time to travel. Mil has just finished the flowers and we just went to the pub for tea with the people who had arrived early.
Is , parents, siblings, bridesmaid (and husband & kids), best man and partner plus the friends who had already arrived in town.

It just seemed a friendly thing to do - and saved us cooking for 20 people the night before the wedding.

Can't remember who paid. It wasn't a big deal and the whole thing was very relaxed and low key.

Ask directly! You’re close enough to be a bridesmaid so just ask her: “Who’s paying for that meal?”

If she says you, tell her you can’t afford it as you’ve already spent xx pounds. Then see what happens. But don’t dance about being indirect.

Most U.K. weddings don’t have a rehearsal so rehearsal dinners are not a thing. I’ve only known of one of my friends having a rehearsal - that was a Church of Scotland wedding. It was pretty pointless - just who goes where at various points really.

I’ve only ever been to rehearsal dinners at American weddings and the tradition is that the groom’s family pays.

It would be unthinkable to expect guests to pay regardless.

This only problem with these is they sound like OP is ok to pay and B&G may take her up on it!

Id say something like, “hey B, can’t wait to celebrate with you. As a pre-warning, I’m maxed out on budget at the moment, can I just check this is covered as part of your wedding?”.

You don’t have to be worried about offending her OP, if she’s offended then she’s bloody rude herself.

I’ve never been to a rehearsal dinner, one family member did a rehearsal at the church but there was no food involved.
id ask , just say your a bit low on funds and is the rehearsal dinner a set menu or choose your own meal. If it’s paid she will tell you and if not you can look at the venue menu , if it’s a standard menu you can look and potentially choose a low cost meal and water and just pay for yourself. If it’s a set menu and expensive you can decline

That sounds lovely, but I'm just imagining all the crazy MumsNutters saying "I would NEVER eat anything home baked by someone else!! You just don't know the hygiene standards of their kitchen!!" 😂🤣

Did you at least get to PICK your own dress, so that you would have something you liked and could wear again, @Sundaycoffee ?

Where I’ve heard of bridesmaids paying for their own dresses in the US, it’s invariably been when the bride has multiple bridesmaids and they were allowed to pick what they wanted. So you end up with an assortment of dresses rather than the uniform look you see at UK weddings.

Her being on a budget doesn’t mean she gets to pass the expense on to her friends, it means she cuts her cloth accordingly. She can’t afford to have a bridesmaid if it means you have to fork out £600 for the ‘privilege’.

Grit your teeth and ask!
If you are expected to pay for your own meal, ask if you can just attend the rehearsal without the meal. If they are on a tight budget, they need to think smaller ie "cuter/more intimate/less formal" - huge expensive weddings aren't necessarily better or any more fun! The bride and groom shouldn't be asking everyone else to pay loads of money to make up for their lack of it.