To think rehearsal dinners should be paid for?

[Sundaycoffee]

I'm a bridesmaid at my friends wedding in November. She is a bride on a budget. I've had to pay for my own dress, shoes, makeup etc which is fine and I'm happy to do. The wedding is a 2 hour drive away so I'm also paying for a hotel for 2 nights and quite frankly I can't afford anything more. Alongside the hen, do the wedding will cost me around £600 and that's before even thinking about a gift.
She's since told me that they will be having a "rehearsal dinner" the evening before. I've never attended one before and I'm not sure if I'm being expected to pay for my own meal or is it generally assumed that these are covered by the hosts? I'm a bit concerned as I can't afford more expenditure but asking if I have to pay for myself also feels awkward!

The only time I’ve been to something similar, we paid for it ourselves. But then they didn’t call it a ‘rehearsal dinner’. It was just a ‘we’ve got folk travelling in so we’re going to book a meal for the night before, let me know if you want to come’ arrangement. No formalities or mandatory attendance.

If she’s calling it a rehearsal dinner I would normally assume that it’s paid for, but given what you’ve already paid for yourself it sounds a bit like she wants a certain type of wedding without the price tag so I wouldn’t be shocked if you’re shelling out for that too.

We had two 'rehearsal dinners' (although we didn't refer to them as such) the night before our wedding; my husband took all the male hotel guests out, and I took the women. My view is that they're for out-of-town guests arriving the night before; the ones we've been to in the US certainly were.

We paid for both dinners. I also paid for all my bridesmaid's expenses (dress, makeup etc).

What on earth do they rehearse? It's not a play.
It sounds ridiculous.
And as you have already spent so much and made such a huge effort for this wedding I would be tempted to be busy that day!

It's normal to have a wedding rehearsal but with just the main participants

I hope rehearsal dinners don't become a thing like baby showers and gender reveals 🙄

My friend did this because the bridal party and close family had travelled to the wedding and were staying over the night before, so we were all together. Full costs of the meal were covered.
However, this couple have already had you paying for things that aren’t normally the bridesmaid responsibility to pay for - why should you pay for your own dress to be someone else’s bridesmaid?! For that reason she probably expects you to pay for this meal. I’d clarify with her and just say you can’t afford it.

It's a North American thing. I was at one a few years ago and it was paid for by the grooms parents as that is the tradition.
There was also a drinks reception for those guests who had travelled from afar also paid for by the bride an groom.

That s really not a bride on a budget ! If you are on a budget you don’t have bridesmaids that cost 600 pounds you cannot afford to pay!
it s actually bonkers, being bridesmaid is to honour the friendship and relationship you have with the bride, she should be covering you dress accommodation and hair and make up at a minimum.

is your friendship dynamic always a little uneven ? Or will she be happy to foot her costs if you ever ask her to return the honour ?!

Just ask, hi bride, is the wedding rehearsal at your expense? If they then say no just say. Ok thanks, sorry I can’t afford to attend

Bride should be paying for bridesmaid dresses etc, if they can’t then fine they also can’t expect you to keep forking out

I grew up in the US and rehearsal dinners are standard there - I've never been to one that wasn't paid for by either the bride and groom or one set of parents. Typically this is a relatively informal dinner with the bridal party (and partners) and immediate family the evening before the wedding after a brief ceremony run-through. The whole point is to thank everyone contributing their time, energy and money to the festivities and to provide an evening meal and gathering time for this group of people who are usually expected to arrive the day before the wedding (unless they live very close) and are often facing a long, busy wedding day. Traditionally the groom's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and thanked the bride's family for throwing the wedding in the process, but obviously those sorts of funding roles have all become far more variable. I'm someone who begrudges the expansion of weddings towards an endless series of expensive events, but I'll defend the rehearsal dinner.

All that said... tell the bride you don't have experience with rehearsal dinners and ask the bride if you'll be needing to figure that into your budget. You're close enough to stand up for her at her wedding so you're close enough to ask that question in a neutral way.

Same!

Amused at all the it’s an ‘American thing’
Rehearsal dinners have always been a thing at Irish’s weddings.
The rehearsal being a run through of the church ceremony with the bridal party followed by a meal.
I’ve been to a few as part of bridal party and didn’t pay.

What fresh hell is this?? A rehearsal dinner?? Is your friend American? This is very, very unusual in the UK! What is the actual point of this? What do they need to rehearse?? Fucks sake!! 🤦‍♀️😨

And no, absolutely don’t be suckered into paying for this utterly ridiculous event!

I'm from the US and usually the grooms parents pay for a meal after the rehearsal. I was going to pay for my daughter's due to the grooms parents not having the money. Some are very casual so have it at home. Been to ones where the family cooked and had at a park. It is a chance for everyone to meet before the wedding. Does not have to be a big deal.

My nephew got married in North Carolina a couple of years ago and my sister did a cookie table being from Pittsburgh. The friends down there never heard of a cookie table and were impressed.. The bride's family from Guyana brought her family's favorite on the plane down. Best wedding ever

This. How about you say that you're a guest on a budget? I don't know how people can afford to attend all these ridiculous extravagant hen do's and mariages. I would rather die than impose that my friends spent money on my wedding. Some people are grifters and they wouldn't be my friends anymore.

hey DF, can I just ask - are you expecting bridesmaids etc to pay for their own rehearsal dinner? It's just that I've really maxxed out my budget I'm afraid and just don't have the extra cash for it unfortunately.

Same for baby showers. In the US, a mother to be does not host her own shower and the guests are not expected to pay for the food.

Seriously, if y'all are going to start importing more of our festivities, you need to remember the first rule that applies in most cases (especially the Deep South where I live): the hosts pay.

Rehearsal dinners are an American custom. They are thrown by the couple getting married or by the groom's family. Even with the rise of destination weddings, it's still the case that the groom's family foots the bill, or the couple themselves.

The idea behind a rehearsal dinner is that there would be a rehearsal of the ceremony the evening before, followed by a dinner attended by the bridal.party, the parents of the bride and groom, siblings of the bride and groom, and out of town guests (to save them having to fend for themselves in an unfamiliar town or city).

It's normally a nice icebreaker, and usually a casual dinner.

FFS, not another totally unnecessary wedding add-on. Honestly, everyone in the hospitality and wedding industry clearly views them as a wonderful excuse to charge a fortune for a load of stuff that no-one wants or needs, but which B&Gs feel they have to have because they're being told that's the custom. WTF are you supposed to be rehearing for, and why do you need it? Surely the night before the wedding it's far better if everyone has a peaceful evening and an early night?

As I recently ranted on another thread, when I was married I'm delighted to say hen dos were not a thing and stag dos were limited to one night out for the groom and his mates. The wedding was followed by a lovely wedding reception and the whole thing finished by around 6 pm. No party favours, no special cameras, no videos, no special wedding make-up, no chairs with expensive covers and ribbons. It was an absolutely wonderful day and cost us a fraction of what couples nowadays tend to be forking out. We really need to resist taking on every dumb idea that other countries' industries come up with to extract yet more money from us for no real benefit.

Traditionally the groom's cake in the Southern US is chocolate, by the way. It is usually themed according to the groom's interests. My brother's was a football field (He played on a university team). My son's was a cake on an actual water ski.

In the South, it is traditional for out of town guests to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. That can sometimes make the rehearsal dinner as expensive as the wedding itself.

Rehearsals are fairly short and sweet.
If the wedding is In a church, it might be necessary for people doing readings to practice the readings, how to turn on the mic, where to stand, etc. Families of either the bride or the groom or members of the wedding party frequently have no experience of church decorum, where to stand or sit, what to do if there's a communion service. In the case of a wedding outdoors, a wedding planner might want the party to practice processing to the spot where the vows would be exchanged, might want to coordinate with the photographer, might want to rehearse Plan B in case of inclement weather...

It's standard and completely harmless, usually quite jolly.

The harrumphing about it is amusing though.

This. Of all the things to get outraged by when it comes to modern weddings, having a 15 minute run-through of who is going where when and then treating the wedding party to a relaxed dinner to thank them for their effort and support is not the one I'd pick.

This with bells on.

I don't know how so many important elements of American customs seem to get lost as they traverse the Atlantic - a huge amount of the spirit and the details seem to sink to the bottom of the ocean.

I'd love to know what you imagine they are?

So no professionally filmed choreographed proposal with an audience either? Wedding number for me was the ceremony followed by pub lunch. Cracking times. Wouldn’t have had it any other way